Frustrated with partners performance anxiety

[Skibideebapbapbap]

I’m really at the end of my tether with my partners sexual performance anxiety and subsequent ED.

We have been together for 3.5 years and for most of that time my partner has suffered with generalised anxiety and performance anxiety which has resulted in him not being able to keep an erection.

For the first few years we sort of just carried on trying and every so often things would be fine but we couldn’t stray from a very set ‘routine’ and position etc otherwise things would go south.

It’s now got so bad that we haven’t had sex for around ten months and although we are still affectionate with each other, I am starting to feel The Ick.

It all came to a head a few months ago, he admitted it was a problem and is now in counselling, but after all of this time I am really struggling to find him sexually desirable and find the thought of the ‘homework’ we need to do together cringeworthy and uncomfortable.

I was always a very sexual person but I think my sexual desire for him has just slowly died as time has gone on.

I have tried to be understanding and supportive but if I’m honest I’m struggling to keep this up (no pun indented) it doesn’t help that in an argument he will often imply it’s my fault he has this problem, he says I make him feel anxious.

He often shuts me down when I try to talk about it too, I don’t know whether to just walk away at this point because I am so frustrated with it all. I do love him but this is really taking its toll on our relationship.

Does anyone have any experience of this and did you manage to overcome it as a couple? Any words of advice would be welcome.

Thanks

[user1481840227]

@Tappering

I would reply:

Your behaviour today has made me realise that this relationship is not working for me and that we need to go out separate ways.

This!

[Skibideebapbapbap]

@Andy85

Actually you are right in that these are two separate issues. What I find hard though, is that I don't really want to be understanding, 'fool around', be extra patient etc etc because of his shitty behaviour around it and the fact it has gone on for so long like this now.

I have actually tried all of the things you suggest in your post and I also do understand that this is really horrible for him but I just don't know if I WANT to try any more.

[Skibideebapbapbap]

Thanks everyone for your posts, I will be making plans to leave, I just need to make sure it's a smooth transition for my daughter.

[rareateeth]

Eugh. I had a boyfriend like this and his was probably due to weed smoking but honestly? The rest of the relationship couldn't sustain that lack of intimacy.

The sensation of it going flaccid after a split second of being hard - horrible. But moreover the blame that it was my fault

I know I sound like a cow. I was young and he was an arsehole. I'd like to think I'd be a bit more understanding now but I'm not sure I would.

[rareateeth]

Sorry - just seen updates about being called a cunt.

LTB

[Andy85]

@tappering as I said if this is how he behaves in general then maybe this isn't the relationship for her. I never contested that.

But put the shoe on the other foot. He is dealing with very strong emotions. People dont always deal with their emotions well. We are all human. I dont think op has helped the situation or dealt with it very well.
Let's say I told you my partner had put on weight in the last few years. And said the same things as op has. I was less attracted to her and getting the ick. I have tried to be supportive but struggling to keep it up (so she can tell how I feel and what I think of her weight). Whenever I bring it up she gets so anxious about it she eats even more. I've tried to get her to get help.
I would get slated. In fact I think people may misinterpret this and slate me anyway.
It's a very similar situation.

[AnotherEmma]

He's abusive and blames you for his erectile dysfunction.

LTB (obviously) and do the Freedom Programme.

[Skibideebapbapbap]

@Andy85 where did I say I told my partner I wasn't attracted to him and he gives me the Ick?

[Skibideebapbapbap]

@rareateeth funny you say that mine was a heavy heavy weed smoker for years before he met me

[Andy85]

Your original post. Paragraph 4 says you're getting the ick. Paragraph 5 says you're struggling to find him sexually desirable.
Not really my point though, was just an example.
My point was people being so harsh on him because hes a man. Fit the same scenario to a woman struggling with weight and it would be a whole different story. If I called my partner fat and she threw fish at me or whatever the situation was people would say I deserved it. I'm not saying it's the same but the emotions he is feeling may be similar, but people dont try to understand. If you're relationship outside of this issue is not good then you are doing the right thing by leaving. But if you have an otherwise good relationship then maybe not. I dont know, I dont know you. Only you can decide what's best for you and your family.

People come on here looking for help and most responses just say ditch the man. I prefer to try and see things more objectively and see both sides of the story. There are always 2 sides to every story.

[1235kbm]

@Andy85 the relationship is untenable and it's not because she's female and he's male.

Let's switch the sexes

Here's a man whose wife suffers from generalised anxiety and has problems enjoying sex. She has refused to seek treatment for either, even though her husband has explained how much it's affecting him.

She blames her sexual anxiety and inability to orgasm on her husband in arguments though later retracts it. They haven't had sex in nearly a year. He has attempted to have sex in a very inflexible manner because if his wife loses concentration, she is no longer aroused enough to continue.

Her husband has been supportive and encouraging towards her. Attempting to help relax her so that they can have a sex life though as stated earlier, that has decreased to nothing over the past year. She now absolutely refuses to discuss it and walks away when he tries to bring it up with her.

She blames him, calls him names and throw things around in tantrums.

[Skibideebapbapbap]

@Andy85 sorry to be pedantic but I said those things here on an anonymous forum but I didn't say them to my partner.

I do appreciate your comments though about there being two sides to every story.

He has apologised for his outburst but it's not right and I think I need to leave as soon as finances allow.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

[SpiderStan]

I have this exact problem with my DP. Except he was using Viagra when I first met him, and he has kicked it now because through therapy, we have discovered it is actually psychological and not physiological.

We did the whole sex therapy, and the homework wasn't our style, except one thing. Once or twice a week, we have a movie night. Which in our language is the opportunity for sex, but without the pressure. It's no big deal if it doesn't happen, he generally does stuff to me and I don't expect him to get excited, but if he does it's a bonus. Since the pressure has been off him to perform, it has worked really well.

One thing I will say, he has also admitted he is massively intimidated by my libido and sexual prowess, and that has been one of the biggest problems for him. He doesn't want to disappoint and the fear that he will has caused his ED to become worse. It's so frustrating because sex is always on his terms, but there is more to a sex life than penetrative sex and sexual acts like foreplay don't always need to result in sexual intercourse. Once he has that in his mind, it may help him to relax.

[user1481840227]

@Spiderstan, the OP seems to be over it though. It's fine to want to leave.

[Skibideebapbapbap]

@SpiderStan thank you. I think at the beginning it was the same for my partner, he told me he was terrified because he wanted to impress me so much that it had the opposite effect. He also said he was worried about his body because he is overweight.

This is why I have stayed and tried for so long because I know it's psychological and also driven by anxiety so in theory something that could be worked through.

I just don't think I can do it anymore.

[CodenameVillanelle]

I know you don't want to upheave your child but no sex for ten months after years of issues means the relationship is dead. Time to move on.

[Andy85]

@1235kbm firstly I never said the relationship wasnt working because hes a man. But people on here tend to blame men more. And secondly ops partner is seeking help, which she now criticises him for saying the homework puts her off.

In the hypothetical situation you described I see a woman who is ashamed, feels humiliated and is scared. Her self esteem will have plummeted. She will be ashamed/ embarrassed to talk about it, particularly as, as much as her husband tries to hide it, she knows how he feels about it (op, you dont have to say it for him to know). She feels that her failing relationship is her responsibility and wrongly lashes out by blaming her partner so that the blame is shared and not solely on her.
It is a very tricky situation for all involved. I think the relationship in general is not going to work however I dont think this is due to the man having a problem which is out with his control. What frustrates me is the people who come on and say nothing more constructive than "hes a dick, ditch him". The failure of the relationship will be on both parties. And blame is never helpful in life ever. You will never solve a problem by blaming someone.

[1235kbm]

@Andy85 yes you did and you need to stop with this bullish battle of the sexes. He's abusive and he's to blame for his abusive behaviour no one else. Unless you're psychic, you have absolutely no idea how he's feeling. Under normal circumstances, both people will be responsible for the break up of a relationship, in abusive circumstances, they are not. The abuser is and in this case, your mate is. He called his partner a cunt which is completely unacceptable and he threw things in a temper. He's refusing to discuss the situation so there is little the OP can do to resolve it.

You seem determined to find fault with the OP who is being gas lit, called names and intimidated. That says something about you, not the OP.

[Tappering]

He's dealing with very strong emotions - by blaming his partner for his erectile dysfunction, refusing to talk about it and then throwing things and calling her a cunt.

'Might not be the relationship for her'? Get a fucking grip. The man's behaving like a manipulative twat - nobody deserves a relationship like that. I bet his 'strong emotions' doing manifest themself at work by calling his boss a cunt, eh?

[user1481840227]

It is a very tricky situation for all involved. I think the relationship in general is not going to work however I dont think this is due to the man having a problem which is out with his control. What frustrates me is the people who come on and say nothing more constructive than "hes a dick, ditch him". The failure of the relationship will be on both parties. And blame is never helpful in life ever. You will never solve a problem by blaming someone.

Agreed. Sometimes there is no bad guy. Sometimes women in particular I think feel like they need reasons to end relationships, being over it or not content isn't enough. They need to find reasons to do it.
This can seem particularly hard for women to do when men are actually trying to fix the problems. They feel like they can't leave if there is medical issues or mental health issues or the person has started treatment or therapy......because if they leave then...then they're the bad guy.

But they're not...and if a relationship has run its course (and it sounds like this one has) then the right thing to do is end it.

The OP won't be the right person for him to do this 'homework' with anyway. She has the ICK. That's not her fault....but the last thing a guy with ED needs is a partner who has the ICK for them! She shouldn't have to fake lust, desire, support, interest and so on.

[NoMoreDickheads]

wrongly lashes out by blaming her partner

I don't think OP did this. It's him that completely wrongly blamed her.

The failure of the relationship will be on both parties. And blame is never helpful in life ever. You will never solve a problem by blaming someone.

In an abusive relationship like this, the victim is not to blame for the abuser's behaviour and that she has to leave as a result. Part of the process of healing is to realize the abuse was not the victim's fault, and how the abuser acted was not ok and leaving was the right thing to do.

[Cocobean30]

You deserve better, his reaction to you trying to discuss it just shows his true character.

[Andy85]

I will make this my last post as my words are being misinterpreted and not read correctly. Plus op has made a decision so any further discussion is not relevant.

I have never blamed op. I have only suggested that it is not helpful for mn posters to blame the partner like a witch hunt. Particularly when they dont know the whole story and have only heard one side.
I also have agreed that if this is how the partner behaves in general then the relationship should end.
Op has come here looking for help and it is my belief that it is more helpful to have empathy for both sides, consider both sides of the story and be given a range of constructive advice from many different opinions to allow her to make an informed decision.

[Tappering]

I make no apology for having zero empathy for anyone that emotionally blackmails their partner, throws things and calls their partner a cunt, regardless of the circumstances.