Seem to have lost a large group of friends after a fall out with 1?

[PopandFizz]

Hi All,

I had a very large group of friends who I would see on a regular basis, we had a big group chat, we slept over at each others We would see each other at least once a month, usually more. We have been through so much together. They all came to my hen do and wedding last year.

One of the group has fallen out with me. It was a long time coming and I had tried to withdraw from her slightly (we were very close friends) over the last year or so so we could remain friends but shes an all or nothing type! When I got pregnant instantly after my wedding when she had been trying for years was apparently the last straw as I should have warned her I was trying (absolutely noone knew) and she hasnt replied to me since apart from to send me a message when I was 36weeks listing what a horrible person I am and why. I should add I told her privately and sensitively and didnt even announce it on fb etc so.she wouldnt have to see it.

Anyway, her aside. The whole group now appears to not be interested in being my friend aside from 1 who I was very close to but this year felt she couldn't invite me to some life events as the other friend would be there.
I just feel devastated, I love these girls and they just dont seem to care. When I strike up conversations its stilted and awkward, some just completely ignore if I comment on their posts etc on fb. I have had a very tough time with my baby needing multiple surgeries but only 1 has reached out although they all know.

I have thought about sending them all a message just saying I miss them or inviting them somewhere post lockdown but I'm a bit scared of the rejection. I dont know what they have been told about the fall out but know its typical of the girl to twist stories to her angle. I dont want them to feel it's an either or situation.

I have about 4 friends separate to this group but I just feel so lonely without them. I dont really know what I'm asking. What should I do?

I'd like to add there is ZERO chance of repairing my friendship with this other girl so please dont suggest that.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

I find this stuff rights itself in the end but you have to give it a lot of time. Potentially years. The ‘friend’ will find a new victim as that’s their personality and at some point everyone will turn round and go ‘aaaaaaaah, she’s the problem’ and then they’ll reach out to you. Then you have to decide at that point how you want to move forward (or if you can forgive them).

What you mustn’t do right now is start trying to engage and throwing accusations around. You basically can’t win right now as they’ve accepted her word over yours. So you need to sit back, lick your wounds and wait.

[SkiddySkidz]

Hey I didn't want to read an run. This happened to me too. Its heartbreaking, as painful as breaking up with a boyfriend. It really affected my life and happiness and I feel so bad that you are going through this and being treated this was in the first year of your babies life.

I will say though, as everyone else has, it sounds like it's not worth your time and you'll be happier in the long run if you just move on from this group - even the one that is saying is your friend but doesn't seem to be that supportive. That girl is childish and toxic and the rest are silly for believing that crap without speaking to you about it. It's completely unfair.

Luckily you are in a great place in life to make friends (once you are able to make it out to groups etc again!) And you will find that there are lots of lovely people out there looking to make friends too. These days I feel like i have the best circle of friends in the world, I feel so happy and supported, and I wouldn't have had time for a group that was behaving in this manner. You'll be glad it ended in time. Good luck to you, and just remember you deserve better.

[PopandFizz]

@sadie9 the social media comments I referred to I'm one of many to comment and everyone underneath has likes and replies but not myself so I dont feel I am being over sensitive.
I havent seen any of them apart from the 1 I talk to since a month before my baby was born (when the fall out ahappened)

Thanks all for your comments. I think I will just leave it as I am probably better off. I need to just accept it and move on

[Quackersandcheese3]

How old are they ?! They sound like a bunch of bitches. I’d draw a line under it and move on .

[CactusWaffle]

@PopandFizz its difficult and i know where you're coming from BUT they sound absolute cowbags. I think you need to accept the friendships are over, move on and make some new friendships. Life moves very quickly and friends come and go along the way, some stay for a long time/some only briefly. Just keeping being you and look to the future. Better days are ahead with lots of new friends that youve not even met yet x

[AvoidingRealHumans]

I've been in group chats and when 2 of them have fallen out it made it very awkward to Continue in the chat so it kind of petered out, didn't take sides at all but it just felt awkward.

Have you messaged any of them privately to ask what the problem is? In this situation you would have to be to the point, acknowledge your falling out with the other one and ask why they have gone cold on you when it doesn't directly affect them, state you would like to continue your friendship with them and see what they say.
On the face of it they sound nasty but there could be any reason why they're behaving like this so I would want to know why and go from there regarding staying friends with them.

[Gutterton]

100% agree with Bramble - never put anything in writing (although you have her vile text to you to show others if ever needed) - it’s just fuel to a fire that you can’t win.

If in time some of them one on one decide to show some belated concern for you and your ill baby - I would skeptically welcome their delayed concern - I would just listen calmly and then with dignity express your disappointment in their inaction - and decide on a one to one basis if there was any merit or risks to you in picking up that specific friendship - or if it would expose you to the hurt of the group. But I wouldn’t be hoping or reliant on that happening.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Thanks Gutterton

Yep, we did all that we wanted to do and are happily trundling on in that vein. DH won't be leaping to build any bridges and is at pains to point out, to them, that their behaviour towrfadsy us both was shoddy and not something he can forget. So I don't have to do or say anything at all.

Sometimes you really do have to take people as they present themselves. They aren't your responsibility, you can just move on.

[employeewoes]

Similar happened to DH and I. Fell out with one friend and she took the rest with her (with one exception). It's shit.

[BrambleJam978]

I think that however tempting it is to write and explain and justify yourself to this group , it would be a mistake.

I suppose you need to look at what you would be looking to achieve if you did it.

Ultimately It would be looking to regain friendships, but this is actually quite unlikely to happen... If these friends didn't reach out to you when your baby was in hospital then a few words on an email is unlikely to change anything

Much more likely response from the group would be silence. Which could be very hurtful indeed. And you would know that they would be talking about your email and it is something that you could look back at and regret.

I honestly think moving on graciously ( but completely) in your head is the best thing to do for you .

[sadie9]

This is partly social media driven anxiety.
Not commenting does not mean someone is 'choosing to ignore' you. Maybe they were busy or didn't feel like engaging with your or anyone else for that matter.
So SOME didn't completely ignore you.
Have you actually spoken to any of them in real life in the past while?

[Gutterton]

Curious what an interesting story - 35 years to come full circle.

I hope that you had a glorious time in those years free from their toxic swamp and a big back slap for you for not stepping back into it when it has all fallen apart for them!

[Chloemol]

I wouldn’t be able to let it go without sending each of them a PM. It would simply state how I feel, ie rejected, ignored etc, that you assume it’s something xx said and as they are aware there are two sides to every story and you are disappointed they haven’t asked you about your side, how would they feel if the group did to them what they have done to you, and that you hope they will reflect on their bullying and apologise. Then I would find other friends

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Typical behaviour when someone is oud about theor feelings and preferences when everyone else is just polite and getting on with their lives.

If it helps explain it - back in the mid 80s I met DH. His DB had a GF, soon to become PoisonousSIL. Poisonous for a great many reasons but basically we just weren't each others favourite person. I was the polite one, willing to get on for the sake of family unity, she was not. So I was ostracised, forever it seemed!

2 years ago she left BIL (he's an alcoholic so it's no surprise she wanted out). Suddenly the family are talking to DH again and I am expected to (by them, not DH) to just go along as if the last 35 years never happened.

Apparently PoisonousSIL was unpleasant to everyone and, to keep her happy they just went along with whatever she said.

Avoidant wimps! Chances are those 'friends' of your are the same. Leave them to it. Make new friends who like you for who you are, where you are in life right now!

[Gutterton]

The whole group now appears to not be interested in being my friend aside from 1 who I was very close to but this year felt she couldn't invite me to some life events as the other friend would be there.
I just feel devastated, I love these girls and they just dont seem to care. When I strike up conversations its stilted and awkward, some just completely ignore if I comment on their posts etc on fb. I have had a very tough time with my baby needing multiple surgeries but only 1 has reached out although they all know.

Their actions are very black and white so you are not being paranoid.

The best friend who chose not to invite you to something major because the other friend was there - took sides to prioritise Ms Nasty and sacrificed you.

You deserved to be treated much better than that.

Her reconnecting with you may or may not be a red flag - her guilt or flying monkey.

It is more painful to be loosely connected to a group you have been excluded from because any news of their get togethers etc will sting - easier not to know especially if you are not going back there anyway. Hide all their SM stuff. They have let you down - but let them drift away so that you can make space for all of the new friendships that are coming your way.

[LJenn]

Typical school girl behaviour. Move on OP. You need better friends anyway. Think of how much you love your little baby, now think of how little they cared for her. I would be disgusted with them. You've got bigger fish to fry now mummy, don't allow these nasty bitches to take up another moment of your thoughts. They'll all come crawling back eventually.

As far as the ring leader is concerned.. she's hurting. Until she deals with her own heartbreak she won't change. No matter what you did or said, it wouldn't have been enough for her. You've had a horrible experience losing your friends and not one of them had the maturity to sit down with you and ask what happened. Bye bye ladies 👋🏻👋🏻

[Windmillwhirl]

I'm so sorry. These women are not your friends. I understand you feel lonely, and that is why this really stings but they have shown what they are.

To not care when your baby has been so ill is horrendous.

You sound lovely and deserving of friends that care abs support you. It's clearly not this lot.

[Teedeepie]

Oh OP I know how hurtful this can be. I recently reached out to people I considered my friends (almost family) throughout my childhood who over time just drifted away as did I with work, relocation and having my own family. After a devastating turn of events involving one of them who I still contacted now and again I tried to reach out. I got nothing back from anyone. That have all made it clear I have no place in their life.

So sadly and it is sadly I have to let it go. I know I did what I felt was right but unfortunately you can’t control how others treat you only how you behave. I have what I class as a few very good friends and we are there for each other no matter what happens and even if we haven’t seen each other for a long time. I am trying to live by the “be kind” mantra. I wish the group I reached out to no malice but it is time to move on. I would kindly suggest you do the same.

I believe any friendship with the remaining friends would probably feel a little tarnished and you might always be walking on eggshells waiting for that certain individual to infiltrate your new group and cause problems.

I hope you and your little one are doing well. You sound lovely and I am sure post lockdown you will make new and lasting friendships

[nannyplumsmagranny]

As someone who went through a very similar situation, I can tell you that these people are not your friends.

Congratulations on your baby.

[BrambleJam978]

I'm sorry , I know that must hurt a lot , and during lockdown with a baby who was unwell enough to need surgeries... You are going through a very vulnerable time in your life.

These people aren't life friends , they are fairweather friends and honestly , they have shown you that they don't have your back and don't have the integrity and decency required to do the right thing.

You asked what you should do.... I think you should think this through and make the decision that YOU are no longer willing to put up with being treated like this, that YOU deserve friends who care about you during thick and thin and YOU deserve friends who are worth as much as you are.

Don't message them, don't go out of your way to talk to any of them as PPs have said focus your energies on your lovely young family and your friends that have been there for you.

I'm sorry this happened. And congratulations on your wedding and your baby.

[ChristmasFluff]

I'm probably in the minority here, but I'd ask them outright what the hell was going on.

Then I'd decide whether to let them go.

Also, in these situations, there's no such thing as a 'Switzerland' friend. Having seen what's going on, and still choosing to be best friends with your smearer, this other woman is showing you where her loyalties lie (not with you), and is highly likely to be a flying monkey, whether by design or accident.

I strongly suspect you are going to end up dumping these women anyway, but I'd not let them off easy. I'd make them explain themselves face to face.

[sadie9]

Don't presume they are all hostile towards you. That is negative thinking on your part. If I was a member of your group, I might not have a clue how you are feeling or what happened between you and your friend.
I might just think you are being quiet or don't feel like engaging.
Be aware - if you isolate yourself, that is you choosing to do that because you feel judged by your friend. That's all or nothing thinking.
You'd be 'mind reading' the minds of other women in there and assumed you know what they are thinking. And that would be bad thoughts about you. Chances are they are getting on with their own lives and not thinking anything bad about you at all.
Your friend could be difficult, but most grown women are not swayed by that type of carry on.
Having a baby is isolating anyway, your experience has also been very isolating for you as others don't understand the rough time you have had.
Cool your jets for the time being. Don't make any knee jerk emotional reactions. Plenty of time just let it lie for now.

[Gobbycop]

Ffs, "shown" their true colours.

[Gobbycop]

To add, I hope your little one is ok and congratulations 🙂

[Gobbycop]

Hard but they've should their true colours.

A bunch of a fuck heads.

Give them the middle finger, block and move on.