Low maintenance = zero effort

[namechanger202]

Long time user but name changed for this one as a lot of people know me on here
May turn out to be a load of waffle but just needed somewhere to put down my thoughts.
I'll start off by saying my OH does have positive qualities and I don't want to LTB. We generally have a good relationship. We laugh, we are affectionate and have a good sex life
But....
I've come to realise that over the years I'm the one who does all the relationship admin as it were. At the start he took me on dates, planned nice things for us and it was lovely, I can't even remember when it all stopped but for as long as I can remember now, if I don't organise things for us to do, we do nothing. He's complimented me in the past on my 'low maintenance' and independence but really that's bullshit for 'it's great that I have to make no effort' isn't it?
I constantly get 'what's for dinner tonight?' Or 'what are our plans for the weekend?' Or 'what are we doing tonight' Or if I suggest he arranges something I usually get 'I'll let you choose' Any date nights are always down to me or we'd just do nothing. During lockdown I've tried to make these nice, cooked special meals/ lit candles etc 'dined out' in our own kitchen so to speak but on the couple of occasions I've suggested he arranges something it's just been 'ok what takeaway do you want?' and that's been it.
Recently it was our anniversary and he completely forgot, I handed him his card and gift and he looked all sheepish and then said 'it's only a day isn't it? We don't need a day to show how much we love each other, I tell you I love you every day' - all true I guess but also a great way for him to justify once again putting no effort in. Does that mean all anniversaries are now cancelled? I'm not asking for expensive gifts or anything, him lighting a few candles and sticking a frozen pizza in would at least make me feel like he'd thought about it and tried.
We have talked about it on a few occasions and I've told him I find it draining being the one to choose and plan everything. It always results in a bunch of flowers and him taking me out for a meal (although obviously I know that can't happen at the moment!) but then it's like he's done his bit and it's all back to square one again.
Is it so wrong to want just a little romance? A bit of spontaneity? I know things are difficult at the moment, I'm not bothered about material gifts or expensive dates but even if he just said we were going for a picnic in the park or ANYTHING I'd love it.
I often get up and bring him a cuppa in bed on a weekend, I asked him if he'd make me one last weekend for a change and he did - after he'd sighed and rolled his eyes.
Am I expecting too much? Do other partners do things to make you feel special or is that just in the movies?

[namechanger202]

@Aerial2020 in all honesty I don't even know how it's ended up like this. I guess lockdown has made me realise how undervalued I feel as before this I had quite an active social life and was often busy doing things either alone, with him or with friends and the issues within our relationship were maybe not as obvious? I don't know.

[Aerial2020]

How can you live like this?
He's completely taking you for granted.
There is a whole other thread on mumsnet about the man child. You are mothering him!!!
Stop doing it. Why on earth are you bringing him cups of tea when he wont even empty the bin without being asked????
I honestly don't understand this kind of relationship. He's a grown man who has a very easy life.
Don't you want an equal partner rather than being a parent to him?

[Summerhillsquare]

Your last point is an important one OP. What do you want out of life? How would you like to live? Aim for that. If he doesn't support you, you know what to do.

[namechanger202]

Thank you all so much, it's given me the boost I needed to actually give him one last chance to make some changes, but proper changes this time. If he cant, then for the first time today, I've been picturing a life without him and it might very well come to that.
I thought I'd come on here and be told I was being a diva but actually you've all made me realise that I have lost my sense of self worth. Time to get it back

[LittleMissnotLittleMrs]

For a week, can you write down EVERYTHING you do, inc what you do for you. Do the same for him. Sit and compare it at the end. It’ll be a shock. Especially if you include the mental load of what you need to buy etc

[1235kbm]

OP, your bar is so low that ants are limboing under it.

Your relationship has the equivalent of manspreading - manspreading is where the man spreads out his legs really wide on public transport and takes up the space of three people, pushing people into a corner - that's what your husband has done to you. He's manspread all over your relationship.

He feels a massive sense of entitlement and you accommodate that. I can only assume that your self esteem is really low for you to have stayed in your corner while he takes up the rest of the room. Not complaining because you don't want to 'be high maintenance' or a nag.

God forbid you ask for what you need and expect your husband to accommodate that because you're too busy running around after him trying not to let your exhaustion impinge on his down time.

I really suggest you start working on your self esteem. Your right to be heard and for your needs to be met. Get out of that little corner you've been allocated and start roaring OP. ROARING.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

What would happen if you hit home from work and just sat there. When he asks what's for tea, just say 'I don't know, what are you making'? Do this 50% of the time.

[LannieDuck]

Reset the bar. It's so low right now that you're tripping over it :P

He should be doing half of all the housework. 50%, not the 5% he's maybe doing now.

He asked what you were both doing this weekend - tell him you're sitting down together and writing out a list of all the chores that need doing around the house. Then splitting them up between the two of you and taping it to the fridge.

If he doesn't bother with his half, stop doing anything for him (cooking, washing, organising activities etc) until he starts to pull his weight again.

[namechanger202]

Haha I like that @category12 made me laugh!

While he was off work he did pitch in with a bit of hoovering, doing the garden and a few diy bits that needed doing round the house but spent most of it with his feet up, sleeping or going for runs/ bike rides. He's not a confident cook and I do like to cook so he always says he's worried it wouldn't be as nice as something I'd make. I've tried to say to him that I'd just appreciate the effort/ thought but I just don't think he can really be arsed to be honest

[category12]

It's incredibly disrespectful if you've been continuing to do everything while he's on furlough. When did having a cock become a disability?

[TwentyViginti]

Ha! you could do that right back. Say "I emptied the dishwasher for you"

He'll think you've gone mad, until you point out it's just as ridiculous for him to say it to you.

Seriously though, he's entrenched in misogyny. Very unattractive, and crushing to live with.

[Sn0tnose]

Well I don’t blame you for not wanting to admit it. It certainly took me years to understand that a man I thought was great, was actually a massive piss taker.

I also understand that you don’t want to leave him. But I don’t think he’s going to change unless he thinks that you might. And that’s going to take a change on your part. He has to understand that you’re not willing to put up with his shit anymore. You can’t let him think that you’ll back down if he buys you a bunch of flowers. If you want to see a change, you have to tell him that you’re coming to the stage where it’s make or break. Tell him he’s not emptying the dishwasher for you, he’s doing what’s expected of him. You don’t tell him that you’ve done the dusting for him, do you? I hope he sees how much he has to lose.

[namechanger202]

I know you're right. Perhaps I just hadn't wanted to admit it to myself.
He was furloughed on full pay for nearly 3 months while I was still working full time and he only made tea once during that whole time. Of course he told everyone what a star he was for cooking for me

[Sn0tnose]

Your feelings are NOT invalid! You’re a person. You’re important!

Offering to get something from the shop on the way home is not him doing something nice for you. Unless he’s buying from the posh handbag shop, it’s simply him making sure you’ve got everything you need to cook his tea. Are you supposed to be grateful because he saved you the journey?

He might be friendly and laid back but he’s also a lazy man child.

[namechanger202]

Thank you all, I thought I did value myself but I think this has made me realise that I've just come to accept his treatment of me and brush my feelings off as invalid or over the top.
He sometimes rings on his way home to ask if I need him to get anything from the shop and he does bring me cups of tea when we're downstairs (it was the one in bed that was clearly too much effort for him!)
He's placid, easy going, laid back, all my friends and family love him but I just feel a bit under appreciated and under valued. He asked me last night what we're doing at the weekend and I did snap back a little saying it have no idea, is it always my job to plan something?' He didn't really respond at the time and I was tired so didn't push it but he's now made plans of his own to go do his hobby on Saturday.

If you said to him he's sexist I think he'd be mortified but i think ingrained into him is a view that everything in the house is the woman's responsibility. Like if he empties the dishwasher he's done it 'for me' - me? Do we not both live here?
Or when he runs out of pants and does a wash he's like 'look I did a wash' .....
Does he think he deserves a medal for being an adult, I don't understand?!

[Sn0tnose]

I've mentioned before that I need him to show me but his reply is usually "I text you it every day" which he does yes. Every morning when he gets to work, he texts to say he loves me. So then again I'm feeling unreasonable for wanting more - why?! Because he’s not giving you anything to start with!! He’s totally confused. Texting you to say that he loves you is NOT how someone shows you they love you. It’s simply how they TELL you that they love you. It’s utterly meaningless if he tells you he loves you, then comes home and treats you with a complete lack of care or respect.

I know some people believe in love languages and I know a couple of wonderful husbands who it simply wouldn’t occur to to ever buy flowers, but they show their love by doing things like going out early on cold mornings to defrost their wife’s car. Is he doing anything to show that he cares about making your life better?

I have been where you are now, so I do totally understand. It didn’t change until I got through to him how bored I was of asking him to be nice to me and how much respect I’d lost for him. Unfortunately for him, it was too little, too late and I’m now very happily married to someone who hasn’t made the same mistake. You can keep your kettle 😉 but please start valuing yourself more.

[VeganCow]

when reading your op I was thinking what’s the problem, he’s easy going, never complains, none of this would bother me one bit etc until I got to the eye rolling at making you a cup of tea. I have never been into romance and gestures, find it a bit fake and try hard and would prefer a nice day to day life, so lack of that wouldn’t affect me but the eye rolling at something like making you a brew would piss me off.

[TwentyViginti]

The daily texts he sends, I agree with cat

Cos he probably doesn't even have to type the 8 letters it takes, I bet his phone remembers it

Reading your updates it's now clear he has you firmly placed in mummy role. The sock leaving is typical of these men. They expect full maid service and offer little in return.

You need to seriously reevaluate this relationship. You'll feel like a bitter old drudge if it carries on like this.

[CuriousPixie]

There are two posts I've read on Mumsnet that made so much sense to me that I actually wrote them down and kept them:

Men, by and large, do not seem to think about their relationships much unless there is a clear and present danger of it going down the pan.
They assume a right to get what they want out of life and out of a relationship. They expect the women to do that thinking for them and also take care of our own wants and needs, and that of our children. The men want us to write in big block capitals for them, the minimum that is required to maintain the status quo, rather than take any time to work it out for themselves - the do NOT spend ages asking their pals or researching the web about their wives' thoughts and feelings and needs, trying to interpret our actions. Mostly that is always for the wives to do. And that is bloody knackering and unfair - living both sides of an emotional life to try to maintain the illusion of 'romantic love' because one half simply doesn't see the point in doing so.

And:

It's exhausting having to tell people what to do all the time. The sexiest thing a man can do is to say 'I got this' and take care of whatever needs taken care of. And not to bleat on about it looking for a medal, just do it. Don't say 'just tel me what to do and I'll gladly do it'. I don't want to tell you, I'm not your mother. I want a partner who can apply intelligence and learning capabilities to a situation and manage that task effectively. Like I do. All the time. With no bleating and little praise.

Both of these quotes seem very apt in your situation. A relationship can only be balanced if it's 50/50. This will ebb and flow over time as needs and wants change but if one half is doing more than their fair share in any aspect of it then resentment builds and things need addressed.

[category12]

I thought that song was about the guy getting his gf to shag him .

[Sidge]

Read the lyrics and listen to “More Than Words” by Extreme.

It’s time for actions, not words. Words are easy.

I’d be thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to stay in this relationship (and I’m not one to jump in with LTB). It will eat away at you and you will become resentful and angry.

[category12]

Cos he probably doesn't even have to type the 8 letters it takes, I bet his phone remembers it .

Love isn't just saying it, it's actions.

[namechanger202]

*not that I wear it, not 'both'

[namechanger202]

@Sn0tnose thanks for your reply. I know I realise it's not a compliment now. I have always been very independent and hate the idea of being 'high maintenance' I.e. if I wanted a piece of expensive jewellery (both that I wear it 😂) or something I'll work and save for it, I'd never look to a man for anything like that so I used think it was a compliment BUT I realise now that he has taken that to mean he just doesn't have to bother with anything because I'll sort it.
I've mentioned before that I need him to show me but his reply is usually "I text you it every day" which he does yes. Every morning when he gets to work, he texts to say he loves me. So then again I'm feeling unreasonable for wanting more - why?!

You're right, the man child thing is very unattractive. Nothing is sexier to me than a man who takes charge and gets stuff done, unfortunately those instances are few and far between now and I think it's wearing me down. I take charge of everything.

Please don't take my kettle 😂

[category12]

Shutting you down by making you feel like "a nag" is a manipulative tactic, really. It's reversing victim and offender. How dare the household appliance have feelings and opinions about things?