I think I’m seeing red (flags)....

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

Hi everyone,
NC for this post. I need a (gentle please) sanity check in those weird lockdown times.
Sorry it’s a novel.

I have been talking to a guy for about 2 months. Getting along great, genuinely and surprisingly a lot in common. He is separated from his long term partner for over a year, in (very....) good terms.
Probably due to the lockdown we spent more time chatting, texting, speaking etc before meeting than we would have in normal circumstances. We agreed to meet after lockdown was lifted initially when back at work/office for lunch.

We eventually went for a walk in the park the week we became allowed to have social distance walk with friends and have done so 2/3 times a week since. It was actually nice because taking away the dating/restaurant/physical contact aspect we got to know each other quite well.

A few things niggle me and I can’t work out if it’s the current context or if his ex is actually an ex before taking it further with him:

• he has his kids every weekend (explanation is the ex home schools them all week at the moment so he has them every weekend to give her a break)
  
• He works long hours (type of work that carried on during lockdown) and goes home late so I realised we haven’t actually spoken on the phone after he gets home. Again, he does finish late so could be or not?
  
• he goes very quiet at the weekend (he has the kids, it’s hectic - fine). But realised a pattern these past couple of weeks... he picks up DCs early Saturday and doesn’t mention when drops them off on Sundays. Didn’t pay too much attention to it at first but then I wonder why not call me for a chat on Sunday night
  
• lots of selfies from his room at bed time (alone in bed and lots of mess - boys room) - definitely not a partnered up man with a woman around
  
• we started to talk about spending time alone and I explained that no one comes to my house and meet DCs until relationship is solid and he is here to stay which he didn’t seem phased by. I suggested twice coming to visit him on a Friday evening at some point he changed the subject faster than you can say ‘how many sugar in your tea...’. He eventually said he has his kids from Friday night mostly (since i started speaking to him he said Saturday morning)
  
• had a bit of a domestic situation a few weeks ago and he was very supportive. It was quite late but I was rushed and he was home so asked to call him to be handsfree instead of texting. Suddenly he had a migraine and went to bed.
  
• he was driving back from work really late one night this week and was very tired so we were sending each other voice messages to make sure he wasn’t falling asleep at the wheel. All of a sudden, he started to be very pushy about videocalling to keep him company. I was in bed with no make up and said no. At that point, I had a red flag flashing in my head and insisted that I would videocall him for 5 minutes when he gets home to make sure he was ok. He must have been aback as I’m usually laidback and all of a sudden was so tired that ‘his speech was slurred’! He texted me when he got home and carried on texting lovely things for over half an hour when I ignored his messages was he not about to suddenly pass out?
  
• He commented his ex made his life a misery because she was jealous, constantly accusing him of cheating. He confessed to a one month after years ago nothing else since (that’s was started my suspicions then again, he didn’t have to tell me. His body language when he told me was remorseful, sad and ashamed. He said he wanted answer all my questions honestly.
  
• Finally he tries really hard to shift me off whatsapp towards normal texts especially when he is home.
  

If you made it this far, what do you think?

[Buggedandconfused]

Well done OP, you dodged a bullet.

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

To everyone who replied, a big thank you for taking the time.
After a couple of days of me becoming very aware , I realised there really was a lot fishiness (will never know exactly what but 90% sure that living together or not the ex Isn’t completely or at all an ex).

The fish has now been released back into the sea... :(

Onwards and upwards... thanks everyone x

[Notcoolmum]

@ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking was definitely fishy. A few other all niggled away.
And yes I've met someone else who is open and available and includes me in his life. Much happier!

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

@Notcoolmum
You definitely did the right thing walking out, I hope you are ok about it now and have managed to move on. I’m glad I’m not to invested yet at that stage, we get on and laugh a lot and I fancy him so if he were a good’un definitely but I don’t want to drive myself banana over him.

Your example of cancelling a whole evening for a lift sounds fishy.

[Notcoolmum]

@ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking I went to his bedsit a fair few times. All his stuff was there etc. But there was still something wrong. One of the last weekends we were still dating he said he couldn't see me as he was picking his son up from his first shift at a pub. I could still have been at his and he could have popped out to do the lift? That was just one of the small things that didn't really sit right.

I would drive myself googling him and his family for clues. I even considered sitting outside his flat one night. Bonkers. But it's how it made me feel. So glad to be out of that situation and not be trying to prove my gut right (or wrong).

[Ladybyrd]

He sounds dodgy to me - changing his story about the days he has his kids, but particularly the migraines and not being able to talk at night. I'd steer clear I think.

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

@Notcoolmum
The fact I haven’t been to his house yet doesn’t really worry me because we are in lockdown so I haven’t really mentioned it / asked out right The fact I suggested it after lockdown was lifted and he told me about picking up his kids on Friday instead on Saturday sounded fishy.

Apart from that your story sounds similar too mine.

I thought maybe he is embarrassed if he is actually still at his parents or house share but we chatted about so many things including finances etc so that doesn’t hold and also doesn’t explain the stirring me away from whatsapp.

Like you, I’ll probably never know.....

[Notcoolmum]

I thought you were dating my last dating partner until I saw you were in the south!!

I just knew there was something off. I never got to the bottom of it. He had moved into a bedsit which I visited. And he'd send me regular selfies of him in it. But plenty of times where he wasn't available. He didn't want his wife to know he was seeing anyone etc. It all sent me a bit bonkers. Constantly googling him and her and trying to work out the score.

He's not available. And he is probably involved with his ex in some way. Best to walk away now.

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

@Ladybyrd
I know her name and address (not much digging at all, the address is quite out there).

The 192 record is not public however as I have the full postcode I can see she has 2 records there at that address, a previous one and a 19/20 one. When I put the same postcode for him, I get just one record not the most recent which seems to suggest he doesn’t live there anymore?

[Ladybyrd]

Do you know the ex's name? I just 192ed myself and it told me where I live.

I think it's a fair assumption they live in the same house, and possibly aren't even broken up, as far as she is concerned at any rate. The whatsapp thing - why would messaging on there be an issue, unless he didn't want her to see when he's online. You've made it clear he can't come to yours - why wouldn't he invite you to his? Where is this going if you can't see each other? Unless it isn't meant to go anywhere because he's cheating.

When you hear alarm bells, it's wise to listen to them.

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

@HatRack
If I were 100% sure then I would because in her shoes I would want to know but I am not sure I will stick around long enough to find out either way so no point causing trouble if it’s not the case or if there is another woman/women? equally fishy explanation. After all I don’t know.

[HatRack]

You'd be doing his ex a favour if you told her.

If you're ending things anyway, why not?

[Flootered]

I'd just ghost him, wouldn't aste another ounce of energy.

Maybe it's just me but even all the selfies would turn me right off 🙈 I couldn't be dealing with a selfie taking man!

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

Magmum even 🤣 💪🏻

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

@Elieza
Absolutely! Being a Magnum is awesome 😁!! x

[Hoggleludo]

It's been two months

Get rid! Not worth it.

[Elieza]

“The fact that within 2months you are having to turn yourself Into Magnum( well a female version ) isn’t great”

Would that make you Magmum??

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

@HatRack
Yes i know who she is but to be fair if she is an ‘ex’ that would make me a bunny boiler (a mortified one!) and I don’t see how I could have a relationship with him after that anyway.

[eatsleepread]

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

And you seem to be assuming an awful lot. People's plans can - and do - change.

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

@Bluntness100
I did wonder if this could be a possibility. Not that I’m clinging onto any hope but I have a good b.s. radar generally and I did purposely say there was no hope to come to my house. I even say (I admit to scare him off because I’d much rather a guy runs off if he is not serious - I don’t need to tip toe around them) that if I were to introduce a partner, he would be vetted as a good partner and potential good stepfather. To me, I was opening the door for him to run drama free if this wasn’t for him. He said he appreciated my honesty and didn’t actually I was not welcome to his house.
I don’t chase him, ask him for anything really. He does most of the initiating (communication and meeting).

He hasn’t actually said: don’t whatsapp me after 10 for example.

He did mention once when we were chatting about ex’s that he didn’t know how she would react if / when he met someone first so there could be some anxiety around access to kids. Since that chat though, I have noticed those red flags.

It doesn’t stop me from sleeping or eating at all :) but I don’t want to be played or enable a cheater. It would be nice to have a partner in crime but hell I don’t desperately need a man to be fulfilled let alone share one with someone else.

[HatRack]

Any idea who his "ex" wife is? Could you give her the heads up, work together and out him.

[Dontletitbeyou]

To be honest ,a new relationship is meant to be fun and exciting . The fact that within 2months you are having to turn yourself Into Magnum( well a female version ) isn’t great . You can see that for yourself right . Electoral roll , land registry , google . It’s all so exhausting , like who can be arsed with it all so early on .
If he really honestly liked you ,he’d be putting in the effort , he’d find time to call you during the odd evening , or when the DC are in bed at night ,while they are at his over the weekends.
Most married men will not call you during the evenings or weekends . For two reasons , 1) obviously they have to be careful about getting caught by the mrs ,
2) they are reluctant to call , as they don’t want calling to become the new normal . Texting is far safer , excuses can be made if texts are ignored ( I was busy , just seen your text ),not so much if calls got unanswered .
He sounds proper sketchy . I’d be Seeing this as time to move on .

[Bluntness100]

I’m not sure op, because if he knows there is no chance of coming to your house why would he bother continuing it?

So possibly he is telling the truth but he doesn’t wish her to know he is seeing someone.

[TwentyViginti]

I think you're clinging on to the hope there are reasonable explanations for his dodgy behaviour, but I doubt there is. Just the usual. He has someone else, he's not really separated, etc;

Is it worth all this angst and guesswork after a mere two months? Find someone you have no doubt is free to accept calls and doesn't switch from WhatsApp to texting at certain times. It's ridiculous.

[stealm]

Nah - he needs to go. You've only been chatting for two months. It shouldn't be this difficult. If this had any chance whatsoever of becoming anything at all you'd be able to contact him via WhatsApp, sms, phone call etc regularly and not at specific, very limited times. I don't mean that you should contact him all day, every day as that would be over the top. But if this was genuine both you and he would be able to communicate without all this drama.