Constantly feeling something isn't right

[Disneyblue]

It's taken alot of courage to write this. It's almost like I'm afraid of what people might say. But I feel like I need some reassurance, guidance, anything really.

I've been with my husband for 12 years. Married 5. We have a little girl who is just 8 months old.
We have a beautiful house, live in a lovely village with great neighbours. Had a fabulous wedding. Have amazing shared friends. We're financially well off, have great jobs. We've both worked our socks off to get to where we are, and been gifted with the most beautiful little girl. No complications during pregnancy, straight forward birth.
We're the bestest of friends. We share so many common interests and hobbies. We don't have the same personality. He's the laid back, confident but rational one and I'm the stressy, perfectionist type. We compliment each other perfectly. Of course we have our arguments but we deal with them and move on. He's hilariously funny and I can see myself being with him forever.

You can probably guess what I'll say next.

The sex. Well, not so great. To give a bit of context, I've never really been that into sex to be honest.
As a teenager I wasn't that interested. Didn't really experiment much. I had hobbies that were far more interesting. I've never been able to please myself properly and I've never achieved orgasm during sex. I can get there through watching the odd thing but I'm not that fussed. During sex itself, never.
When I first met my hubby I didn't think he was sex on wheels, if I'm honest. But he had qualities which were attractive to me at the time (he was driven, far more in common etc). Those qualities are still there now and I still love them.
But we've never had great sex. He has great sex, but I don't. I'm now starting to find faults with his appearance and I feel so ashamed of it. I compare him to other men (not openly), I wish his hair was longer, his belly was smaller, all horrible shallow things I shouldn't be thinking. But I do. I struggle to be intimate with him. I can get aroused but it's hard work and he has to initiate it. I feel nervous every time he kisses me in case he wants sex.
I have alot of problems with mental health which doesnt help plus I'm still battling with post pregnancy hormones I guess.

I just feel like this isn't the way it should be. I should want sex more, I should fancy him more. It isn't a 'normal' marriage. I read things about lack of physical attraction being a marriage killer and it upsets me, because I could never leave him. We've been through so much, invested so much in each other. It would break him, and me.

Yes we've talked about it. He is a bit upset I don't want sex more often but everything else is perfect and he's happy. As long as I'm willing to work on it. But should I be? Should I be giving myself the chance for a better sex life, even though I've never actually had a good one? If there wasn't tonnes of sexual chemistry in the beginning at my end I can't expect it to appear after 12 years!

Thank you for reading. No idea what I want from this. If anything, I want someone to tell me he sounds perfect, sex isn't everything blah blah but I can't help thinking it should be better...

[NooneElseIsSingingMySong]

Have you ever discussed your low sex drive with your GP? Did you conceive easily or were there any problems? There are medical conditions that can cause low sex drive (we have issues in our marriage because of this). I also found being on the progesterone only pill absolutely killed my sex drive, I won’t use it any more.

I think it’s definitely worth exploring the possibility of a physical cause and if that doesn’t show anything, worth having some counselling to explore your feelings around this. You say your DH has great sex but surely he must feel it’s a bit lacking if you don’t enjoy it?

[passthemustard]

It seems you have a lovely life and you love your husband.

Do you find other men attractive?

Do you think the problem is in your head. I mean is it psychological? You do seem quite stressed and that isn't going to give you an orgasm. Some people don't have huge libidos and it sounds like your husband doesn't mind too much.

Just relax and try to have fun. Take the pressure of yourself by removing the end goal of orgasm and just try to enjoy being intimate with your husband. Go slow and try to find out what you really like. If you talk to him about it I'm sure he'd be well up for it!!

[Disneyblue]

@havefunpeleton

Just my opinion but you are over thinking this.

You say you have a great life. I would agree with you. Stop criticising your husband's appearance as that's unkind. You could instead discuss your libido has reduced after having kids. Make it clear you love him and would he consider a very discreet opening of the relationship.

If everything else is perfect no way would I leave though. I read somewhere 20-25% marriages are sexless after 40 anyway

Interestingly this is the reply I like the most and feel most comforted by. I don't want to leave... I want to want sex with him, desperately!
Or maybe I don't want to face reality.

[Disneyblue]

Some interesting points.

I think because I don't really know what the issue is, I don't want to make any rash decisions.
One minute I feel blissfully happy, the next the worries come back.
My concern with leaving is that I may find someone I find more physically attractive, but I still don't want sex or find it uncomfortable.
If that happens I'll have chucked away a great marriage.
The other day i looked through some old photos of us and he was wearing a suit in one of them. I found him sexy almost instantly. Interesting that.

So yea, very conflicted!

[TellingBone]

Perhaps subconsciously it has come home to you after having your baby that this is it, this is your permanent family, there's no longer just the two of you who could split relatively easily if you wanted.

Can you imagine yourself in a situation where, say, you had an amicable split and you were able to explore having a sexual relationship with someone new? Does that prospect excite you?

[Skyla2005]

You don’t fancy him that’s what it boils down to One day you will meet someone you do fancy and open up a can of worms because by then you will probably be craving that side of things! Either that or he will !

[TreatMeNice]

You putting to much pressure on your self to perform sex rather than having sex, I know what its like having no desire or even attracted to it.

Maybe you should try foreplay and get to know both erotic zones, I've heard that the back of a woman's neck or earlobes can be quite stimulating. With the man plucking his nipples until hard then use teeth's or tonge for arousal.

[havefunpeleton]

Just my opinion but you are over thinking this.

You say you have a great life. I would agree with you. Stop criticising your husband's appearance as that's unkind. You could instead discuss your libido has reduced after having kids. Make it clear you love him and would he consider a very discreet opening of the relationship.

If everything else is perfect no way would I leave though. I read somewhere 20-25% marriages are sexless after 40 anyway

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

It sounds like you were never really that bothered about sex though, so maybe the problem isn't completely with your dh, maybe you just pick faults because you don't really want to have sex. I can understand that, but I think that could happen with anyone. How much does he try and satisfy you in bed?

[1235kbm]

Is there someone else on the scene OP?

[NoMoreDickheads]

You are putting pressure on yourself, and feeling obligated to your husband.

It's not 'just' a lack of sex drive- you're not attracted to him, which makes it even worse for you.

The anxiety of thinking someone is going to initiate sex when you don't want it is very unpleasant.

I know you don't want to hear 'leave,' but you would feel more relaxed without this pressure, that's for sure.
-
I'm single and I've never felt more relaxed because of the lack of sexual pressure/sense of obligation.

I'm not like you in that I have an ok libido, I just don't want the feeling of pressure/obligation etc, and don't want to be naked with anyone as I don't feel attractive. I'm perfectly happy with this state of affairs, and feel liberated.

[Stella8686]

@Disneyblue have you dismissed the sex therapy option?

If this were gender reversed I think you would get slated on here. I 100% understand where you're coming from. It sounds like you don't want to improve the intimacy because you don't want to physically touch/ be touched by your DH.

I hate to say it but people who feel like this eventually 'use' their partners as caregivers and find themselves having affairs. I don't know if yourself or your husband would have an affair at some point (I know you'll say no) but if you don't want to improve it or work on it because you have 'the ick' have you considered he may eventually leave?

I think you want to bury your head in the sand and live in a sexless marriage because you have everything else going well (again if genders were reversed this would be called being used (childcare/housework/provider)

I'm not saying you don't love each other and plenty of people are settled with a low sex life marriage.

If you've posted about it and asked for advice as guess you're not happy.

Sorry OP but you will either be in this same situation in 5 years, separated OR having more sex with your husband.

Try sex therapy would be my advise or be happy being a low sex drive couple

[Disneyblue]

Thank you all for your replies. I thought I'd give it a few weeks then update you all.

Every time I had a reply on this thread I dreaded what the reply would say. I dreaded it saying 'leave him'.
What's really complicated is we have the perfect family life.
But it keeps coming back to me the lack of intimacy. It haunts me almost daily. Problem is im not sure I want to even try as I just feel uncomfortable at the thought. I look at him and I see his physical faults. That then brings me guilt for thinking such shallow things. It's like I've got the 'ick'.

I feel like I'm in turmoil. I don't think I realise how much I'd be throwing away. I read some of the stuff on here and I can't believe how good I've got it.

It's one of those where I won't realise how much I have until it's gone. Yet I also read that if we have to 'try' to get the intimacy and sex life back (which we never had great in the first place) then it's never going to work.

I don't know what to do really. I can't talk to him about it. It would basically be me telling him I don't find him sexually attractive which would be awful for him to hear. Then again I think he may already know this secretly. He's starting to pick at himself and his appearance which is breaking my heart. It's my fault as I comment on his belly. I feel like a horrible person.

Don't really know what else to say. Just wanted to write how I feel I guess

[KirstyHasLeft]

What @SherbertSaucers said.

Same thing happened to me and as a result - I just got divorced. I couldn't imagine divorcing a year ago but here I am - a single gay woman. Was not at all easy but I hope it will be absolutely worth all the pain and tears.

Whatever you decide OP - good luck!

[SherbertSaucers]

OP, is there a chance you could be attracted to women? I could have written your post. I have an amazing partner I’ve been with for years but something feels off. I’ve never really enjoyed sex that much. Just like you said, I feel relieved when we’ve done it because I think, ‘oh, that was fine, there’s nothing wrong with me after all.’ And I like feeling close to him because I love him.

Someone suggested that maybe I might be a lesbian and now that’s all I can think about. Although the prospect terrifies me because I love my partner, and can’t imagine life without him. I’ve been obsessing about this but reading your post it was like I could have written it myself. I hope you’re ok.

[Cat112344]

Did you start to not enjoy sex after giving birth? I was an extremely sexual person before having my first child. My OH and I would see each other around 3 times a week and we’d easily have sex 3/4 times (9 times is our highest record in one day!) but since having my first DC I feel as though I’m still traumatised slightly by it all.

[Menora]

I think it’s possible he’s not actually giving you good sex, and communication about it had stagnated because he’s not pushing the buttons you would need - this is usually why couples explore each other sexually but that is not on your menu and possibly not his either.
One option is to be slightly more honest that it’s not hitting a spot for you and see whether he could put in the effort to learn what would be enjoyable for you. But you shouldn’t pressure yourself into that

[whatisheupto]

I think a lot more women feel like this than we imagine. I think nowadays we think we should be striving for perfection all the time. But I think in this case your relationship sounds fantastic and you shouldn't worry so much about what you "should" be doing and feeling. Nothing is perfect. I wonder if our grandmothers expected they should have amazing sexual relationships and felt like their marriage was a failure if they weren't bouncing off the walls every night?

[StormBaby]

I was exactly the same for years and years, All through my late teens, all through my first marriage(and my ex was actually really good in bed. It was just me). No interest at all. Then I hit my 30s and I became absolutely rampant. I'm married to someone a bit younger now and I've almost killed him 🤣

[userabcname]

I think it's normal for your sex life to have ups and downs (and let's face it - childbirth and babies/toddlers are huge downers in that regard!). I think if you are just worrying about it because you think everyone else is swinging from the chandeliers 7 days a week then you can relax because they are not! Or at least, definitely not all the time. If you're genuinely upset / feeling pressured into having sex you don't want or enjoy then, yes, that to me is a very good reason to end a marriage as that's no way to live. If you want to take a chance on finding better sex with someone else then that's totally up to you but I wouldn't do anything rashly, especially if you are generally happy and when your child is so small - you may find things pick up again. Incidentally, it may be worth considering different contraception if you are on hormonal contraceptives as they can reduce libido massively. Just a thought.

[beachcomber70]

It's fine to have a low libido though. It's fine to have your own thoughts and feelings about anything. It's always best not to compare anything about your life with what everyone else seems to be doing/saying. Reality is probably so different behind their closed doors.

Many, many people say sex is overrated/messy and many couples don't have a sex life. Doesn't mean they aren't happy and fulfilled though. Choosing an early night with a book instead of a 'session' is less demanding and less exhausting...and very enjoyable!

I passionately wish I was an artist or an author, had the personality to be a dog breeder or live on an island... but it's not me, the talent, the tenacity just isn't there. Everyone is dissatisfied in some way with aspects of themselves and it is infuriating.

You husband sounds great btw.

[Stella8686]

You've already said you're a perfectionist. Sex seems to be the area where you are not experiencing anywhere near that.

Do you enjoy other intimacy? Cuddles, kisses.

A sex therapist would be able to tell you better.

I would say if you feel like you want to work on it because you feel modern pressure to have a fantastic sex life that is unrealistic in a long term relationship with a baby.

If you just want to improve and take small steps try pleasuring yourself more. After reading erotica perhaps.
Also next time you do have sex try and be more vocal (fake it with moans) pretend in your mind you are a red hot woman who's man has eyes only for her and worships her.

There are numerous articles on faking these noises helps trick your body into getting in the mood. Increasing frequency can increase libido.

BUT takes things at your own pace and know that your in control so it's your decision to do it so you can feel empowered.

But I would ask a sex therapist as that advice may not be the first thing you should try

[ThatLockdownLyfe]

Who gives a shit about anyone else's marriage or what's "normal" though.

So long as you both are happy it's no one's business.

If your DH is happy with once per month then that's great.

We have 2 DC under 4 and once per 3 months is pretty good for us.

I wonder why you're worrying about sex now you have a baby together? What's going on there do you think?

[beachcomber70]

I've just remembered a friend who left her husband as he wasn't interested in sex much. She had never orgasmed and was 52.

She then met someone [very nice bloke] who actually gave her orgasms and married him very quickly. The marriage lasted about 2 years and both were very upset when it ended. They were 2 very different personalities who wanted different things and had different attitudes and views about a lot of things.

She went back to her ex husband and 20 years later I see them around now and then, together, very content in each others company. Don't know about their sex life though!

[Disneyblue]

@beachcomber70

I'm with BraveGoldie.

A long time ago I was in a similar predicament although it was my H who had a bit of a problem, not me. I was beginning to criticise him and felt discontented, wanting better, wanting more. I was being shallow, naïve and selfish [I married very young, no one to talk to, but that's no excuse].

We split up and I met someone v attractive where the sex life was better in some ways, not in others. They turned out to be a liar and a cheat and left me for another conquest.

I hurt and rejected a good man and have paid for it [many times over]. I was an idiot, thought I could squeeze more out of life. I have regretted it ever since. You sound like you have a good marriage, a good friend, a good life, a lovely family. Sometimes we have to settle for 'as good as it gets'.

If you really can't [after counselling] then I hope it all works out for you all. because the heartbreak is hard to cope with.

Just my experience.

You see this is exactly what I'm afraid of. He's a good man, in so many ways. I trust him completely, I hear of friends who don't trust their spouses even with their phones on the fear of them talking to other women. I have never ever felt like that. He's an incredible dad. He's great with money, the house, DIY, he's career driven, very motivated. He's unbelievably thoughtful and caring. He's an absolute hoot socially as well. He makes everyone laugh.
He's an absolute gem in fact. I know wholeheartedly I'd never find anyone like him. Not in a million years. Yet these thoughts come at me like a machine gun. I'm honestly ashamed of them. Yet these thoughts concern something I'm not evne that fussed about. It's almost a guilt thing for not being fussed about sex