Angry childish DH

[thisonething]

Can anyone please tell me your thoughts on this situation that happened recently. I have changed my name and I don’t want to give too much back story as I just want to talk about this one incident.

My DH came home from work last night, was in a normal/good mood. He and I went for a walk around our neighbourhood while the kids stayed home (they are almost 16, 11 & 9) had a great chat etc.

When we got home he was sitting in the lounge and my 16yo was in the kitchen, I heard him call our sons name repeatedly (a bit like that gopher meme that calls out Allan repeatedly) just constant Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason* (not his real name).
I poked my head around the corner from the hall and sort of smiled and said “really? Why don’t you just go and speak to him face to face?” Well then his face just darkened, he lifted his phone as if he was about the throw it but instead slammed it down on the couch then stomped to the kitchen and said to our son angrily “just tell me what you want for dinner so I can get it” my son sort of laughed and said “why are you angry at me, I haven’t done anything” then my husband was like ‘ok, so anything then, you want nothing, fine I’ll get you nothing for dinner’

We were just shocked at his childishness and he got more angry.
I went to our room as I was mad at him and he followed me and said are we going to talk about it or is this going to carry on all weekend.
Here’s the thing, in the past he used to to act like a jerk for days and then just seemingly get over it and be all happy and sunshine and if I was still standoffish due to being upset he would tell me that I’M the reason there’s still tension in the house as I was keeping the argument going.
So anyway, when he said that tonight I got my back up and calmly explained why he had upset me and I thought he was being unreasonable. He denied it at first then went quiet so I thought he understood.
I then went out for a little bit to get some space.

WHEN I got back 20mins later, he was mad at our 9yo, he told me why but it didn’t seem like a huge deal but I wasn’t there so didn’t see what had happened.

In the end, I’m sitting at the table eating and he’s trying to get our 9yo to go to his room. Our 9yo is crying and standing near me (to be fair he wasn’t listening about going to his room) and my DH went to climb over the table to get to him.
He was furious. He got mad at me for not holding our son so he could grab him and take him to his bedroom.
I told my DH enough and he got mad and went to our bedroom and we didn’t see him for the rest of the night.

When I woke up today he is at work and I’m a bit anxious about what his behaviour will be when he gets home.
Will he be remorseful and apologise or will he still be angry and tense and put us all on edge. I feel sick thinking about it.

So should I have backed my DH up? Not said anything to him about his behaviour? Was he being reasonable?
(There’s a few more details I have left out, mainly my DH talking to the 9yo so childishly)

[AnyFucker]

The back story is probably very illuminating

[NoMoreDickheads]

He is abusive, his behaviour of seeming to go to throw things, or climbing over the table etc was threatening. His going 'no, you don't want anything?' to your son etc was arsey,

[copycopypaste]

He tried to climb over a table to get to your ds? He sounds deranged. I get that kids can get on your last nerve but that sounds very ott.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now

He does not act like this at work or to those in the outside world, this abuse of his family is reserved for you and in turn your children.

You’ve become inured to his abuse and now your children are copping his ill treatment of them.

I would return to the UK when you can and rebuild your lives with your abusive husband in it.

[billy1966]

It sounds like a very scary aggressive house to be in.

Clearly this isn't a one off.

No doubt you have anxious children who will carry this anxiousness with him as the get older.

Trying to climb over to get at a 9 year old is terrifying behaviour.

I think you know well this is an abusive home.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you all.

Your 9 year old was looking to you to protect him from his brutish father as are all your children. What would he have done to this child had he taken him to the bedroom?. It does not bear thinking about.

[Ninkanink]

That is wrong. All wrong.

You do not have to make any apologies, you do not have to make any allowances.

You need to get yourself and your children out of that situation, permanently. Or get him out.

[J0CASTA]

Why have you left out the backstory ? Nothing happens in a vacuum.

[Mittens030869]

I grew up in a household where my siblings and I were afraid of our parents, my F mainly. My DM will admit now that she always thought he smacked us too hard and she didn't approve. But she didn't intervene ever. And she smacked us too anyway.

The result was that my DSis and I weren't able to tell her that our F was sexually abusing us. Because she always backed him up, even when (she says now) she didn't agree and thought he smacked us too hard.

It isn't always the case that a mum should back up her DH. If he oversteps then mark and is abusive, her DC should be the priority. The incident with the 9 year old was well over the top. Maybe the OP should have calmed things down, asked what DS2 had done, and if the time out was justified she should have backed him. But from what the OP has said, her DH has form for kicking off, in which case I can well understand why her focus was protecting her DS, who was scared.

For posters who have come from loving and stable family backgrounds, I'm realising from Mumsnet that they really can't understand what it's like to live your life walking on eggshells. It's toxic and it impacts you for life.

[Cambionome]

This sounds all wrong - horrible and unkind behaviour from your dh.

Surprised at some of the posts on here defending him.

[Tappering]

Sounds to me as if he needed an outlet for his foul mood. You were out of the house, so he picks on the 9 y/o - conveniently the youngest and therefore weaker, smaller and more likely to be scared of him.

He then blows up at you for not holding the 9 y/o in place so that he can drag the child to their room. Take a moment and consider how fucked up that is.

The coming back in and never mentioning it, just reverting to sweetness and light, is a form of control. He wants the whole household to tiptoe around his ego and moods.

If he behaved like this at work he'd be done for bullying.

Stand up and protect your children. Tell him to leave because he can't control his temper - and that if he blows up like it again then you will call the police. If you don't, then good luck with having an ongoing relationship with your children once they grow up - as they won't want to come back to live with a bully.

[tenlittlecygnets]

He in my opinion sounds like he has IED ( Intermittent Explosive Disorder)

🙄

Sounds to me like he's an angry, impatient, abusive bellend 🤷🏼‍♀️

[gamerchick]

Trying to climb over a table to get to a child is full on. That’s terrifying

I think I as a grown adult would find it terrifying. A child who is standing near his mother for protection who just sits and eats her tea will end up fucking him up.

Stand up for your kids!

Poor buggers.

[Jkslays]

It’s not normal he was raging so much as a grown adult man he tried to climb over a table to grab a crying child.

That’s not on and yes you have become so used to his behaviour.

My stbx over the years has formed a liking for going in sulks for days. He was never like this when we first got together - ever. The last one lasted for three weeks and was the catalyst for me ending it. We have two kids together but I don’t need to put up with this shit.

And neither do you

[BashStreetKid]

@J0CASTA

Why have you left out the backstory ? Nothing happens in a vacuum.

Because there is no requirement on MN for people to write pages of history before they post. HTH

[vikingwife]

@bashstreetkid there is if, like I suspect in this case they have come on here multiple times before & been given the exact same advice (leave) instead of the advice she wants (make him stop).

[NoParticularPattern]

The back story would make a massive difference to this I suspect. Because from what I’ve read it sounds like he’s being a moody knob but you haven’t exactly helped by winding him up about the shouting or sitting there like a wet kipper whilst he shouts at your 9yo. Now it’s obviously not acceptable to try to climb over the table to lay your hands on your son, but why did you just sit there and do nothing? Just because you weren’t there when whatever it was happened doesn’t mean you get to sit there shrugging your shoulders and not helping to work it out at all. You get both sides and you be a parent.

However I suspect that the back story would massively alter this view in favour of me saying that he’s an abusive knobhead who needs kicking out. It’s not a requirement to post your full life history but leaving out important parts of it and expecting everyone to come to the same conclusion that you have is ridiculous.

[Blondebakingmumma]

An adult climbing over a table to get hold of a child is terrifying. I would have put my child behind me to protect them.

I’m sorry but that would have been a deal breaker for me

[angieloumc]

What sort of sane, rational person climbs over a table to get to a child? I feel for you OP, I really do, but you need to protect all of your children, and yourself, by getting away from this man.
And 'intermittent explosive disorder' my eye, abusive, bad tempered yob more like.