Looking for advice for my children, xh and the other woman.

[longhaulstress]

2 weeks before lockdown I found out dh was having an affair, he moved out and we told our eldest 2 the reason why (keeping the details very simple).
This has caused so much heartache to us all, dh was constantly apologising and trying to do so much for us all and slowly him and the older children were getting a decent relationship back until the weekend just gone.
Him and dd were in the car together and dd saw the other woman's name on his call list and was devastated. He has outright denied it was her name saying it someone similar from work but as I said to him she has no reason to lie and he has every reason.
He has said all along he hasn't spoken to her and tried to go out of his way to prove it but I've obviously had my suspicions the whole time.

He was so angry and defensive it just confirmed it even more for me and now the children are devastated as I don't think they had even entertained the idea that she could continue on the scene. They knew he kissed someone else and I think they thought that it was it and now it's even harder as he's saying they got it wrong and still won't admit it so there's no trust there.

What do I do? Or rather what should xh be doing? This situation has been so magnified as well as there's no normal distractions. It's just so hard and sad.

[longhaulstress]

Thanks flitting I appreciate that a lot, comments saying I'm cruel is like a dagger to the heart as I've tried so hard to remain upbeat, create nice memories for them, be supportive about their dad, listen to their problems and let them talk to me at any time of the day or night not to mention 3 lots of homeschooling/housework etc all during lockdown which is hard enough on its own all while being devastated and having a broken heart myself.

[ravenmum]

When you've just discovered your marriage is over within a few minutes, you're not necessarily able to find clever ways of breaking it to the children, and honestly it's no better to make the children think you have chucked him out for no reason, apparently on a whim. Remember that they are old enough to drill you for the details about why, and why you won't give him a second chance etc. And in the misery of discovering that someone so close to you has been lying to you all for months or years, the last thing you want is more lying. Children are not stupid; personally I found it kinder to be honest than let them guess and speculate. (In my case, as I say, my daughter was actually a step ahead of me.)

[longhaulstress]

Thanks raven I agree with everything you said.
It's a shitty situation for all involved.

[MargeryB]

I think you did the right thing telling them too, as you say, they're not stupid.

[Beamur]

Having also been the child in a similar situation with my own parents, I don't think you've done anything wrong or cruel either.
It's a difficult line to tread, giving your children enough information for them to understand why their family has split but not too much. Equally you are not obliged to your ex to keep his secrets.
I lost a lot of respect for my father because of his attitude towards my Mum and to me. You may not be able to protect your children from forming unfavourable opinions about their Dad.

[FreeKitties]

OP are you trying to make it work with your exH?

If so then you are justifiably angry that he has been in touch with OW, but if not then (and I mean this gently ) im not sure why you are angry that your ex is still in touch with her , yes it is shit what they did, but it’s not really your call who he is involved with if you have split ?

[funnylittlefloozie]

Im assuming that you and your husband have actually split up, and you're not trying to get back together.

Explain to the kids that you and their dad are not going to live together any more. They will have two homes (i told my DD this when exH and I split up, and it turned out to be a complete lie but you may have more luck). Tell them that he will always be their dad, and the relationship between you and their dad is quite honestly, none of their business.

If you feel strong, you could throw in some bollocks about it being better for you and dad to be happy apart than miserable together, but don't force it.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

If you and he are broken up, then it's to be perfectly honest he can have as much contact with the OW as he likes. He's single now, you're living apart, and he's allowed to date if he wants to. Your children need to understand that, i think you need to explain that to them.

[Flittingabout]

You don't need to explain that to them at all. Your soon to be ex can explain himself!

[BumbleBeee69]

I'm so sorry your daughter was exposed to this OP... on the plus side.. she saw her father for what he truly is.. a cheating lying cretin

[PickUpAPickUpAPenguin]

You need to let go of the desire to know the truth. He's a proven liar so you'll never know if he's telling you the truth. In my experience they only tell you what they think you know and want to hear.

With your dd, I would have nodded along while she vented (cried?) and used open ended answers like "I don't know" " You'll have to ask him" "We are not a couple so it's not my business now" Just hug her and she'd a silent tear that he told her a lie.

It's heartbreaking when your kids realise that their Dad is full of shit. My ex left to be with the mistress and the kids knew about the affair because his behaviour gave it away. He told some massive lies and they saw him gaslight me.

This was several years ago and they have come to appreciate the good side of him and ignore the bad side that they saw before he left. They will never hero worship him like they used to but they've come to terms with things as the bad stuff was directed at me rather than them. It's also helped that he's never messed me around with the money and has only cancelled contact with the kids once in 8 years.

[Frankiefree]

My DC are a little older than yours but a similar situation. I told them that he had an affair and that is why we need to divorce. I think it was good for them to be given a proper reason otherwise they would have never understood why and may have blamed me or even themselves.

[TacCat49]

You need to get some counselling for the children because unfortunately the children have become involved in adult issues.

[Fiveasidefootballfamily]

Your ex-husband is an asshole but I personally wouldn’t have told the kids about what dad did or with whom. He did this to you and ruined your relationship but there relationship should be intact. It will be very difficult for them to have a decent relationships with him now or to forgive him.

I would also look at who your children have on social media and why at 12, they’re on social media at all! Adding daddies work friends is not a good idea, regardless of whether they know each other. Social media is full of adult content and kids should be mixing with kids, not getting caught up with seeing adult stuff.

I would try to reassure your children that dad loves them and that you’re over, but that he may choose to have another relationship now or in the future. Reiterate that if he does this, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them. It is only your relationship that has broken down. I would also try to get to a point where the kids see you being civil with each other and moving forward to parent together. The kids will be mixed up enough without seeing you upset and feel negativity between you.

[PickUpAPickUpAPenguin]

Good point about the social media. It's really important that they block and unfriend this woman before they are suddenly confronted with proof that she is dating their Dad eg a coupley photo or an affectionate comment on a pic.

[longhaulstress]

Sorry just to be clear it was my xh and I who had this lady on social media as friends, not my children. Xh has now deleted all forms of social media for now at least anyway.

[longhaulstress]

thank-you all for the advice though.

[ravenmum]

As I say, even though my kids knew what had gone on, after an appropriate amount of time they met up with their dad and his OW. For example, my son and his dad took part in a running activity together, and my daughter and OW were there together cheering them on. Or they all went out for meals or family events together. No massive breakdown in their relationship, even though he was really quite openly unpleasant in the months before I found out what was going on. He later split up with OW, but if they had e.g. married or moved in together, from how the kids described their meetings it sounds like it would have been OK. Obviously it depends on the kids' characters, too. My tactic was to keep my nose well out of his business, for my own mental health as much as anything, but if you don't talk about what is going on at all, then the drawback of that is that the kids have no means of telling you how they feel about it, and you can't support them.
Our son was having counselling for school-related anxiety issues before the affair came out. The counsellor was really good, and I'm sure that also helped.

[SoloMummy]

@longhaulstress
I don't think that you've been cruel. You've followed the guidance that psychologists suggest.

He cheated. You explained in a Frank, manner that shows finality.

The elder two aren't stupid. He chose to lie. This isn't on you.

Personally, right now, I'd say give the children some space. You've explained to them you're not wanting them not to have a relationship with their father. But they're old enough to need space to process this - the lies he's blatantly said to them. And that's not unreasonable.

If they have mobiles, it's best if ex texts them as long as he doesn't bombard them.

[AgentJohnson]

If your marriage is over then you need to detach, there’s no point expecting him to be something he isn’t. Support your daughters in coming to terms with person that he is, not the person they want him to be, this approach will help them in the long run.

Detachment helps you break free from the circle of hope and disappointment.

[Opaljewel]

I think you did the right thing being honest with your children. Finding another way, even older can be a betrayal. Least they know one parent is truthful!

[BumbleBeee69]

How are you OP