How to know he won't cheat again?

[kirstie91]

I know this can be quite a controversial topic on here.
I've read a few similar threads lately and I am going through something similar, but this is my first post about it, however I have NC.

I caught DP using an adult porn website. It's not simple porn (I have no issue with that) but where you can talk to other women. Now, it is completely free like an adult website, he's never paid etc. and it's a bit like sexting as well as talking about your relationship. People admit if they're married etc.

DP has used it on and off through about half of our relationship whenever times were tough or I suppose when he felt like it.

When I caught him he became completely clean. He told me more than I would have ever found out to help me process and a weird part of me feels better.

Whilst the sexting and the deceitful behaviour makes it cheating, the fact it never crossed into real life makes me feel somewhat better. He could have easily cheated in real life and is a young attractive man, but he even said he felt like he was less guilty and didn't have to let it play on his conscience as much because it was online under a fake name, a fake description.

A small part of me feels it's like interactive porn. It's horrible and I am devastated, but I think I could forgive it.

He has always been transparent with his phone and I've never had any doubts of real life cheating, but I have always had my suspicions with something on the internet.

DP's approach does seem new, he does seem genuine, but I am just wondering how to proceed.
I don't feel that devastated anymore, I feel hurt and anxious some of the time, but I am not as angry or feeling as betrayed as I'd expect. I somewhat understand the escapism aspect.

So I suppose I wonder if there is a chance to move on and get over it? I think I could if he never did it again but how do I know he wouldn't? If times get tough or something bad happens, he could fall into the same behaviour.

He's agreed to counselling.

Any advice from people who have been through something similar?

[Menora]

Why do you need therapy and why are you so intent on finding out all about his psychological make up
He crossed a line or he didn’t. That’s for you to decide, not him or us or a therapist

You want to understand him, but he doesn’t understand himself. You can only draw a line to say this is what I will tolerate and it’s up to him to decide if he can do the work or not. He should be gaining back your trust not basically trying to make you feel sorry for him for being a weak grubby human who needs all this special validation

[kirstie91]

He hasn't tried to make me feel sorry for him - I think that him understanding the trigger is the only way or it'll just happen again. I might be wrong.
We definitely need couples therapy before this, just as our communication is bad and some stems from me.

He can disconnect the two but I've seen it in a lot of men.
I'll be honest, I'd rather he were online doing this than being sleazy in a bar, but overall I'd rather neither.

I suppose I've been exposed to so much behaviour worse than this because of where I work and the men I see having affairs constantly. So perhaps I'm desensitised.

[Menora]

Your whole post is absolutely trying to find validation for his behaviour by trying to understand him. Every post about the risks are dismissed. If you do not mind this, he hasn’t crossed a line and it has no impact on you why are you posting about it?
What do you want? What kind of reassurance are you trying to seek

I think you have hit the nail on the head - it could be worse. So you are tolerating it for that reason. And he knows you have a very wonky broken line that he can push up against

[Menora]

And it isn’t for you to try to make it stop him from doing this again. You cannot intervene and direct him down the correct paths

[category12]

You can't ever know - that's the killer.

You can analyse him to death and "work on" the relationship as much as possible, but there will always be that uncertainty.

That's the broken vase of trust after infidelity, you can glue it back together but you always know where the crack was.

[category12]

And policing him and trying to "fix" him ultimately only gives a false sense of control and drives you bonkers.

You need to accept the underlying background doubt as the price of admission or leave. I did the first, and then did the second, which was much better for me.

[BarbedBloom]

Yeah, this was how my ex was. I forgave him, we went to counselling. He is married to the other woman now

[yesterdaystotalsteps123]

Personally I would not stay and work on the relationship because the chances of him not doing something like this behind your back are slim imo. There is just so much out there people can access if they want to and it will always be there and the anxiety of trying to trust someone who breaks your trust is not worth the emotional energy in my experience.

[SodaSloth]

If you trust that he'd never behave the way again stay. If not, then leave. But if he says he'll never do it again and you decide to stay then you can't bring the subject up again because it's not trusting. Trust is an important part of any relationship

[kirstie91]

@Menora you're right, I understand that. I suppose I'm still processing

[kirstie91]

@SodaSloth that makes sense, I understand.

I haven't decided what to do yet. I've said at the moment the relationship is over.

@BarbedBloom sorry about that. I suppose the reason I'm finding my lines difficult is there was no in particular woman. Just names on a screen.


I also am struggling as to whether or not I actually think this is cheating. I think the deceit is wrong,the lying is bad. But I am not sure if I see it as actual infidelity despite everything online saying mainly that it is (some say no.)

[Notmyrealname855]

You never know... :( been there... invested months in a cheater and felt so much worse when he did it again, and he was less bothered the next time I caught him. I thought I’d discovered the second time, but actually it was about the sixth!

Having been cheated on, I don’t trust people who disrespect boundaries (knowing it will cause hurt). Whether for cheating or other secrets (gambling, drugs) - if he’s broken trust before, he has a precedent...

I don’t believe anyone is “better” than another, but I do believe some (by practice, not nature) are more principled.

Also... go on actions not words. Why believe a proven liar?

[SandyY2K]

I think it all depends on how you feel about it. It's not really for others to tell you how you should feel or what's acceptable.

I personally wouldn't consider online activity with a stranger who doesn't even see you or know you as cheating.

Everyone has things they don't find acceptable though and that's an individual choice and right.

[chelsiekxoxo]

Sorry, I didn’t mean any offence. I say this because I felt exactly the same as you last week until I discovered things. Now it’s clear my
OH has physically cheated... You can’t trust anyone unfortunately and sexting other women (in my case) leads to a physical relationship.

[TheStuffedPenguin]

To answer your question How to know he won't cheat again?....well you won't ever .

[TheStuffedPenguin]

I personally wouldn't consider online activity with a stranger who doesn't even see you or know you as cheating woah... talk about having a low bar .....

[Menora]

If it didn’t bother Op she wouldn’t have posted. Ergo it does bother her

[CiarCel]

if he says he'll never do it again and you decide to stay then you can't bring the subject up again because it's not trusting. Trust is an important part of any relationship

I really disagree with this - trust means many different things, and one of those things in a relationship is being able to ask about/reflect upon things you have been through together in the past and how you feel about it now without it kicking off into a crisis/argument/defensive strop/trial and punishment for historic crimes. You have to trust each other and your relationship that you are capable of doing that.

I'm interested by the fact that the OP hates phone use in the house and has 'strict rules' about it, so feels he was certainly doing it outside of their home, and thus must have been 'caught' by... OP checking his phone? No matter where your boundaries lie with what constitutes 'cheating' (non-physical online fantasies with random, faceless strangers v having an enduring crush on a real-life person even though never acted upon?), the way he has behaved is selfish and immature, like a teenager... is there a parent-child dynamic in other aspects of relationship perhaps? Personally would think individual therapy first, then couples therapy if needs be would be the way forward if the OP wants to see if there's a happy relationship still to be had.

[thepeopleversuswork]

You can't know he won't cheat again. It's absolutely impossible. So if trust is important to you, you have to cut your losses.

You can argue the toss about whether this constitutes cheating or not. I can see how people could justify it away on technical grounds. If that's where your boundaries are then fair enough but its clear you're not happy with it.

Personally I couldn't get past this: not so much on the infidelity grounds but just because I would feel so repulsed by any man who felt they needed to do this I could never be aroused by the prospect of having sex with them again.