Is there any way back once you’ve got the ick

[Absolutelunacy]

Just that really.

I’m sure it’s lockdown compounding the situation but the ick has grown after months of lazy, childish and selfish behaviour.
Things are slowly starting to improve after I lost the plot but I can’t seem to get the feelings back

@Rebelwithallthecause
I seem to get the ick each time I’m
Pregnant. Glad it passed

When did it pass for you? My DD is 4 months old and the ick for her dad is still going strong 🙄 started midway through my pregnancy

Skidmark guy would give anyone the ick, but it does seem to happen even with otherwise decent men, just through simple time and familarity. Men rarely seem experience this. They might lose interest, but this visceral disgust focused on a former love interest is rare. I've read theories that it's biological, that is serves some evolutionary purpose. A clear signal from the subconscious perhaps that "he's old news, time to find someone new".

@Whatamifeeling I can’t remember with baby number 1, but it was probably by 6-7 months

Baby number 2 and due in a few weeks and nick is strong again. Only thing getting me through is knowing it should too pass

@balonzz I’m exactly the same, it’s ok for a while, a year at most and then I can’t hack it anymore.
Casual dating all the way!

@billy1966 Thank you. Ok I’ve definitely caught a case of the ‘ick’

@flipflopdreams

I learnt it had a name on here, before that it was "just suddenly going off someone".

You know when you read something, and it just totally resonates with you?

Well reading about the ICK was like that for me.....

One tiny little word, thatI hadn't heard of, but which just can summon up 100,000 individual reasons a person may no longer fancy another.

A genius word! 👏🤣

@Rebelwithallthecause
I feel like I'm going insane.. maybe lockdown isn't helping it but literally anything he does pisses me off.. breathing being the main one 😂 sound like a right psycho don't I!?

balonzz Mon 04-May-20 06:50:06
Every partner I have had, I end up getting the ick. I have now decided to live alone and only casually date. I have no idea if it is me and there's something wrong with me, or am I a bad picker or is it more common?

^^You're not alone but then there could well be something wrong with me too

I find the ick comes with losing respect for them. Too much whiny, needy, childlike behaviour for example and poof it's all gone.

You can try to stay past the ick but then you're into the nagging and pestering for sex when you're not feeling like it often and their nagging or moaning or pestering just makes the ick grow exponentially. Or worse you start having sex that you don't want.

So no the ick is not just about sex but once you have it you don't want to have sex and then the ick is magnified by their reaction to less sex.

@Whatamifeeling lockdown certainly isn’t helping

Mine toasted me some crumpets today and he only toasted them once rather than twice and i just thought ‘what use are you if you can’t even do a crumpet?!’ And nearly cried

(Hormones I’m sure)

Just out of interest, what do you do if you get this whilst married with kids. Is it a case of move on too regardless of the consequences or is it more of a partner thing? I’ve never heard of it until recently. Who invented this word? 🤣

@rebelwithallthecause

I could of wrote that myself!
I'm just glad he's working from home and not furloughed because at least he's at his laptop for most of the day and not under my feet!

I get moments of ick when my DH eats certain foods in a noisy lip smacking way. I have had to explain him how visceral it is. Just complete disgust.

Luckily it's rare and tends to be worse when pmt is in the picture.

I find the ick comes with losing respect for them. Too much whiny, needy, childlike behaviour for example and poof it's all gone.

I'm a totally neutral expert test case in the sense that around half of my serious relationships ended due to the ick and the other somewhere around 50% for other reasons (including: cheating, incompatible plans/values/opinions, one party moving away ... you get the idea):

In my experience, though, losing respect is a symptom of the ick, not a reason for it. That's precisely the thing: it's completely irrational even when the things that bother you are in and of themselves somewhat rational. It's weird stuff you used to find cute and/or endearing. One notable example for me was that one of my exes had a habit of starting sentences with "well, actually ...". I thought of it as a bit quirky and pretty adorable before the ick. After the ick, I was ready to argue that "well, your Lordship, you see, me strangling him was basically an act of self-defense in the face of grave danger to my own mental stability, given how often he used to say 'well, actually ...'".

That's what the ick does.

When I read a review of Michelle Langley's 2005 book Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo I realized this was a thing. Although that book focuses on cheating it covers falling out of love in general.

The author is clear that her interviewees were not being abused or mistreated in any way. Nevertheless, in some cases “the women claimed that when their husbands touched them, they felt violated; they said their bodies would freeze up and they would feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach.”

That is the ick.

Nevertheless, in some cases “the women claimed that when their husbands touched them, they felt violated; they said their bodies would freeze up and they would feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach.”

Having been there: this is a fair description.

Minus, perhaps, the freezing part. To me, this was not the very worst of it. That's at the very least not utterly resigned yet.

At my very lowest, my mental day planning went about like so: "Stuff to do: A, B, C, ... Stuff to look forward to: D, E, F, ... Horrible Crap I'll have to deal with today and which I'll survive because I'm a fucking hero: confront boss over X, do admin task I utterly hate, complain to Y company over inaccurate bill, survive that OH will want to physically touch me - worst case scenario: will want sex!"

Feeling violated came before that. Feeling resigned and mentally categorising the relationship and the other party as "shit that needs shoveling" was somehow worse for me in the sense that I wasn't even engaged enough to really be upset anymore.

It's horrible! And even though I've never told any of the men concerned, it's horrible for them, too!

There's no going back OP so don't waste your time. I suddenly felt like that with an ex and broke up with him on the same day as soon as I left his place.

Once the magics gone it’s gone in my experience.
It’s like I shut down once pushed too far.
The respect and love just flies out the window. Leaving a big arsehole cluttering you my house.

Even if it’s convenient to have that arsehole about because he can fix the heating/half the bills/supply manpower the ick factor Is just too strong!

Yep elieza. Doesn’t matter how much is on the rational positives list it can’t counter the ick. And when they leave the relief is huge and you have all this energy and peace of mind returned to you.

I think in addition to losing respect a big trigger for me is entitlement. When someone feels entitled to my body for instance and it shows I get the violated feeling thereafter. When I realise they see me as something that is responsible for their happiness and fulfilment and they expect it and can’t be self contained or whole. It’s like having another child instead of having a partner and they’re something on your chores list weighing you down.

Am I really messed up? It’s something about I want adult company and once they cease to be an adult equal in my mind I’m repulsed.

Maybe I’m rationalising it too much and should just stick with the ick but it’s hard to end a serious relationship without twisting around rationalising it.

Oh geez that is me.
I have the ick towards my partner.
The thought of having sex, kissing, cuddling makes my skin crawl. And we have a 7 month old.
Even trying to have a conversation now pisses me off as he’s one who always has it worse or has done it better etc. he’s always right aswel.
Oh dear

@TheHoneyBadger that’s exactly how I feel right now! I’ve taken on the mother/carer role and so I can’t see him as my equal anymore. I see him as another child due to his complete lack of being able to do anything for himself. I think that’s the driving force behind hoe I feel. Normally I’ve had the ick after I’ve split up with someone

It's inescapable once you've got it. I can't stand to even talk with him for more than a few minutes. In fact I'm glad to be back at work this wwek just to get away.
I saw someone mention either here or somewhere else about the revulsion of watching her dh eat Pot Noodles. Yep, every day, Pot Noodles. Add to that sometimes wearing clothes inside out, obliviously, not being able to wear a dressing gown properly (all gathered up at the back like he's got his dress stuck in his pants) and the mother of all off-putting things - not brushing his teeth. If it was an easy thing to do, I'd end it immediately because I need to be free of this feeling of total compression. It's like a heavy weight on my chest that I need to lift off. But of course the tangle of home and kids and family make that really really hard x

It depends whether it is the ick or symptomatic of something else. I had the ick with DH badly, everything he said annoyed me, I couldn't bare it when he touched me, made me feel sick. When I actually confronted my depression and got treatment the feeling started going. Our sex life isnt great, but he is supportive and is mostly the man I fell in love with. I do love him, even if it's not the basic urge I once had.

Nope. Although mine is very hard to trigger. Don't care about skidmarks , after all he didn't care about the grossness of giving birth

In my experience no. Once the ick is there it's there forever.

I once got the ick when a then BF bought me a bouquet of roses. I felt like dying. I really like roses and I love being given flowers...but it was just a moment of 'oh no! you repulse me.' Broke up two weeks later.

But I read once that ginger might be capable of stopping the feeling of repulsion (aside from stopping nausea). So maybe try eating some ginger biscuits before you next see him?

@TheHoneyBadger that’s exactly how I feel right now! I’ve taken on the mother/carer role and so I can’t see him as my equal anymore. I see him as another child due to his complete lack of being able to do anything for himself. I think that’s the driving force behind hoe I feel. Normally I’ve had the ick after I’ve split up with someone

My advice is to tell him exactly that. He’s either capable, after time to digest, taking that on board and getting it and moving back from child state or he’s not.

No pussyfooting and hand it to him and see whether he is an adult who can take it on board and think shit no I don’t want my partner seeing me as a child and of course she’s not attracted to a child or he’ll moan and grown and basically try to make you feel like a bad mummy for being honest about your feelings and needs.