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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Partner wants to consider having another child but I'm unsure?

37 replies

SadieM76 · 25/04/2020 20:47

I created an account because I need advice. I have a mixed-race son (7) from a previous relationship where my son's father abandoned me. Met my husband who is also white, two years after, and he adores my son and treats him the same way as our daughter. His family has taken my son into their family and when we married, my son took his surname, and he adopted him. My husband has never had his own children, so I had a daughter (3) who is his only child. But my partner wants a big family and what I believe to be more of his own biological children.

The problem is our daughter was difficult to deal with - the sleepless nights, the tiredness as well as my son's own little naughty behaviour that comes with his age, which made it difficult. As well as this, the cost of having 3 children sounds a lot. As we like to go on holidays abroad, it would be more expensive. Childcare etc, getting a bigger car, potentially moving houses, general costs as well as university in the future. I quite like having two children for now but I also feel sorry for my husband who loves my son as his own, but doesn't want to have an only child too.

I'm pushing towards early 40s and my husband is in his early 30s. I also don't want him to cheat on me and have another child or resent me for denying him the chance of another child. I'm comfortable with 2 children and although I quite like the idea of a third child, I'm considering our financial stability and whether having a third child will affect us. Plus I also think about whether I'm mentally ready as I'm still looking after my daughter who is a toddler and how she would feel with the attention going to another child.

OP posts:

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MarieQueenofScots · 27/04/2020 18:30

Thank you Sadie

When I said consider all I meant was that you think if it’s what you want to do, talk things through as you have done. If it isn’t what you want then he has to accept that.

If he is trying to force you then he is absolutely unreasonable.

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SandyY2K · 27/04/2020 20:15

Sadie, if your son was not mixed race, do you think you'd consider more children...or is 2 really your lot.

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GingerBeverage · 27/04/2020 20:20

When you say your husband wants more children, do you think what he really wants 'legacy' wise, is a son?
Because if that's the case then he may want to keep going until he gets one.

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SadieM76 · 27/04/2020 21:17

@SandyY2K If I'm being honest.....it's a mixture of both...but it's quite sad that I feel like I'm leaning more towards him being mixed race. 1 thing I never want my son to go through is feeling left out or that certain siblings are loved more because they look like mum or dad. Secondly I would like us to focus on what we have now (2 children) and the fact that we are both doing financially well. Having another child means husband has to do more work, I have to stay and look after 2 children and means I have to work twice as hard.

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SadieM76 · 27/04/2020 21:25

@GingerBeverage I do. He most probably wants a son that carries his biology and just another child that is his. It saddens me to say this and I'm not downgrading his relationship with my son, but I'm trying to see it from both sides and this is what speaks out to me.

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emmylousings · 27/04/2020 21:48

OP, my DS does not see his bio-dad and I got together with current DP when DS was same ages as yours (little). My DS does not remember his bio-dad leaving or new DP becoming his 'Dad'; but I felt it was important to tell him an age appropriate version of the truth as time went on. I think there is a danger that your DS will become confused and later angry with you, if you don't explain who is bio-dad is. I know ths is hard because you have to tell DS that his bio-dad left him and isn't interested in him. That was painful for my son and I at the time, but with love and explanation he got through it and the damage is minimised. Don't feel ashamed of your relationship with bio-dad even if he turned out to be a shit. Feel thankful that it happened because you got your DS and you love him. That's what you have to tell him too.

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CodenameVillanelle · 27/04/2020 21:54

You don't want another child. That's really the end of the discussion. You're the one who would take all the risks physically and then do most of the care afterwards for goodness knows how many years. You are happy with your two children and your age means it may be harder to conceive or harder on your body if you do.

He has no right to get moody with you for expressing your wishes on this matter. Do NOT have another baby to give him an heir (what if it was another girl??) or to keep him. Just don't.

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SadieM76 · 27/04/2020 23:15

@emmylousings The only reason I try to be civil with my son's father is because of our son. Whenever I have asked him if he wanted to see our son, he either ignores my messages or replies that he isn't available. Fine, when I changed our son's surname and my husband chose to adopt him, after son's father made it crystal clear that he didn't want our son, he was suddenly angry and tried to get physically aggressive with my husband. From then on he blames me for everything and tries to have his family hate on me by making up lies… though his sister and brother know what a little sh*t he can be and try to see the other side.

Going back to topic, I always tell my son that his father's job permits him to be away from the country but I don't think I can bring myself to tell him that his father didn't want to be involved. Considering he might just feel self-conscious of his skin and telling him this, might just be a kick in the teeth. Truth is, I really don't know how to tell him and even husband tells me that I can't just keep up these lies. I plan to tell him when he is at the age where he can endure the emotional pain.

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Wanderlust21 · 27/04/2020 23:31

Upon reading your updates - dont do it!!!!!

He got moody with you when you said no?!?!
No way would I be having more kids with a man like that. Even if you did, you'd end up resenting him for it.

And newsflash, ppl dont cheat because they want more kids and you don't. They cheat because they are assholes who want sex. They may however try to turn it round on you with various excuses, like 'I wanted more kids'. But that's just bullshit. It's odd that you think this could happen. Do you think he is such an asshole that he would do this?

Either way, stick to your guns. You're body, your choice. Tell him he can have another, when he grows it himself and it rips its way out of his body!

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Breastfeedingworries · 28/04/2020 08:14

Go and let him have More with someone else.

He doesn’t sound respectful or loving, only wanted a son for vain reasons when usually the mum has to do all of the work and things barely change for the man!

I gave my dd my name, it caused a big rift and I know if I’d had a son and did it ex would never of forgiven me. In discussions he kept saying it their a boy has to be my name ect. So pleased when I found out I was having a girl!!

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hellsbellsmelons · 28/04/2020 08:39

but he insists that having a new addition to the family would be great
Well when he can carry a child, birth it and bring it up then he can have another one.
This is YOUR choice.
Your body.
You will be doing most things for this child.
Please do NOT have another child to make 'your man' happy.
That way madness lies!!!!
You are happy with 2 so keep it that way.
Don't be bullied into this.
You will resent it all later on.

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AgentJohnson · 28/04/2020 20:16

Prior to knowing about his father, he had asked me questions about his skin colour which I had dismissed because I didn't want him to feel any different.

Your son is different (racially), not talking about it with him does not change that. You are doing your son a massive disservice by not even attempting to answer his questions.

He is not the first child to be abandoned by his biological father, I was and so was my DD. Tell him that being a parent is a very important job and unfortunately, some people decide that they don’t want to do it. You however, love being his Mum.

Your discomfort/ awkwardness surrounding your son’s ethnicity really needs addressing because he will pick up on it and may interpret as something less than positive. Celebrate your son’s in all his unique diversity.

I think having a child to appease a partner is a big mistake, especially when there are issues associated with the child you already have.