Domestic violence-I feel it was half my fault

[Loula82]

My DP was arrested a few nights ago for DV and I'm feeling really awful about the whole thing and so guilty. It had happened 2 nights previously as well and the neighbours called the police because of the noise. At that time I said I didn't want to report him. But then it happened a few nights ago and when the police were called again by the neighbours I agreed they could arrest him and he spent the night in a police cell. He is now currently on bail and with his mum and dad.

I have since decided I don't want it to go to court as I honestly can't face it and feel the whole thing was half my fault anyway. One of his bail conditions is to not have any contact at all with me and so I've only been in touch with his mum. Apparently he's very depressed about the situation. He threw things around, grabbed my arms tightly leaving numerous bruises, pulled my hair, slapped me around the face and pinned me down on the bed and wouldn't let me go for absolutely ages. As a former victim of rape this absolutely terrified me and I've been having nightmares. I have to say though that when he finally let me go I was so livid that I also tried to give him a few slaps, said he was a fucking assholes and told him never to touch me again.

Both my DP and I have alcohol issues and were drinking heavily on those 2 occasions. The problem is that he has also lost it on occasion when sober and has pinned me up against the wall or bruised my arms to the extent I have had to cover them up with a cardigan in case people in work ask questions.

I feel guilty about what happened as I am a horrible drunk and have a really sharp and cutting tongue. I know I said some awful things to him. I'm also absolutely mortified about what the neighbours must think. We only moved in together 6 weeks ago!

I don't really know what I want from this post. Sorry! I just needed to write this down as can't sleep. I know I was wrong for hitting him too and for being so absolutely horrible. sometimes words can nearly be worse abuse than physical.

[thethoughtfox]

Get out.

[Susu49]

@Daisy951 I'm sure you can still report it to the police, and the information might then be usable in the future under Clares Law.

You're better off asking this question as a new thread, though, not posting it on the end of one from 2 years ago.

[Daisy951]

I was abused by my partner violently and emotionally about 9 years ago. I am now at the stage where I am angry about my past and how he gets away with it knowing he's done this to many people. Is there anyway I can report him in case it happens again to someone else..but not bring up a big case. Just to put background history of his domestic violence.

[Loula82]

@FlowerArranger funnily enough I have that in my collection but have never read it. I went through a phase of buying various self-help books as I was so desperate to quit for good. It's all very well buying the books, now I have to actually read them and take action. I have absolutely no excuse as I am in isolation on my own and have an abundance of time in my hands. Today I will not drink.

[FlowerArranger]

@Loula82... I haven't read it, but I've heard good things about The Easy Way to Control Alcohol, by Allen Carr. Good luck

[I0NA]

You have done really well OP, you sound very organised and determined, once you have put your mind to something.

As well as making good decisions for you , you have also kept your cats safe. Abusers often target much loved pets - they always say it was an accident of course. It’s a way of punishing you without any legal comeback.

[GilbertMarkham]

I would like to think I can get out of the cycle of drinking and get to know who I really am again. Here's hoping anyway! I don't want to think it's too late for me.

It doesn't sound too late at all.

Help may be limited at the moment but there may be alternatives.

I'm no expert but ime tee total is the only way to go.

There's nothing as relaxing as a warm, purring cat in bed with you .

[Loula82]

I'm absolutely exhausted after today but at least I'm going to bed sober with my two babies (my cats) beside me. That's all I need for now.

[Loula82]

Thank you everyone. Sorry to hear about your sister @GilbertMarkham. I could end up as bad as that if I stay with him and I know that as he is much further down the road than me even though he's younger. We were definitely enabling each other and it almost becomes normal to drink heavily like that when clearly it isn't. I first developed a drinking problem in my early 30s (I'm 38 now) whilst he has been having problems from he was a teenager so around 15+ years.

I think that in order to stay sober I need to be on my own for a good while. I need to learn to be happy within myself before I can be happy with anyone else. I know this... I just need to practice it and not get myself into a situation like that again. I would like to think I can get out of the cycle of drinking and get to know who I really am again. Here's hoping anyway! I don't want to think it's too late for me.

[GilbertMarkham]

*has not done it

[GilbertMarkham]

I am still feeling a bit guilty about the whole thing

You shouldn't.

People who do what he's done can't expect any person with half a brain cell to stay in a relationship with them. He's been so physically aggressive/violent towards a partner within a relatively short time scale that neighbours have called the police - twice now - because they were so disturbed by what they were hearing.

And you say you moved away from family and friends and made sacrifices to move to be with him - such gratitude and consideration, leaving you in this position.

On the drinking side of things (for you) .. this guy is capable of being violent during "arguments" (esp. those with drink). A decent guy will not be violent towards you if you are drinking, talking shite, arguing, whatever ... But a decent guy will also not stick around for more. He may give you a couple of chances but he'll end it if he's dealing with a drinker, esp. a lairy drinker (if you are one).

So, while finding a good, steady partner/relationship is not the only thing in life, it is important for most people ... and to give yourself a chance of a good relationship in future, you need to solve the drinking. Even if it means going tee totalb- that's what it takes for some people.

My sister progressed from heavy social drinking to alcohol dependence/abuse during a very shitty relationship. By the time she was divorced and looking for a new partner, it was obvious to anyone that she was alcohol dependent. And most men run a mile. Any chance she had of meeting and making it work with a well adjusted, stable, good potential partner seems to be scuppered. It was especially the case because she was about 41, and looking in her age group (and maybe a bit older) and by that age people aren't naive and idealistic like they are in their 20s (and 30s to some extent) they are experienced, jafed, and they've seen it all before. So they aren't investing in a relationship with a drunk woman who's slumped over her wine, getting emotional and maudlin, getting repetitive, picking fights etc. (not saying you do that, I'm just picturing alcohol dependent women I know).
My sister ended up with another drinker because a non (heavy) drinker in their ,40s or 50s isn't touching that shit with a barge pole. He enables her drinking, pours her drinks and she has become a much more severe alcoholic in the time they've been together, she looks gaunt and her behaviour (and memory) is worse than its ever been (drunken calls to family, recriminations, paranoia, not picking, fallouts, ostracism followed by reaching out, crying about being raped during the calls (yes, we only fully found out about it recently) on and on. I've suggested she goes for no residential counselling in our local rehab centre as she wouldn't countenance residential, she had not done it. She tries to reduce her alcohol intake but if creeps back up.. she physically (and behaviour wise) seems to be moving towards the later stages of alcoholism and it looks bleak.

Don't become like her.

[billy1966]

Great update OP.

Great to read his parents are doing the right thing for both of ye.

Keep away from him and get help.

Remember......this is not on you...words, however harsh, do not kill....DV does.

Stay safe👍🤞

[UseByDateExpired]

I am really glad your sister is calling you to support you.

It sounds as if you have made fantastic progress today. Well done. Taking in the tenancy is a good solution. I am sure his parents do not want to see trouble with the police escalate so the best thing they can do is keep him away from you.

Great that you are enjoying your new job. It IS a new start so get yourself off to the best beginning. You deserve support for everything you have been through.

[Loula82]

Just an update but I have had to do this contact through his mum today to get this arranged. It is agreed that I will take on this house in my sole name and he will organise it with the landlord. I think his parents must have read him the riot act. After all, I made huge sacrifices to move to this town for him and it turned to shit extremely quickly. If I let him come back it would happen again and quickly. I realise that now. I said that I would arrange to for him to have all his things back at some point in the near future.

I am extremely stressed out right now and am craving a drink so badly to cope but you know what? I won't do it as I would still have the same problems in the morning. I am still feeling a bit guilty about the whole thing and break ups are always hard but hopefully these problems will pass quickly. My sister is phoning me soon to talk things over so that should help.

Thank you so much for all the advice. I'll read that book now by Bancroft and maybe realise I dodged a bullet.

[FlowerArranger]

This is NOT your fault!! Please get this thought right out of your head. There is never any justification for physical violence. AT ALL!!

Please do read Why does he do that, by Lundy Bancroft. I think someone has already posted a link to the free PDF version.

Do the Freedom Programme online.

Decide where you want to live. Which is more important to you, your new job or being close to family? Don't be influenced by details such as furniture and utilities: possessions can be replaced and utilities terminated.

Then call SHELTER for advice regarding your rights with regard to the two tendencies. Have your tenancy agreements to hand, highlight the important bits, and make a list of questions before you call.

[Inappropriatefemale]

Also meant to add that I had a thing on my address that meant the police would prioritise my address over many other emergencies and I asked a policewoman why this was and she said “so if you end up dead in a ditch then we know who to look at first” this terrified me, as it was meant to no doubt.

[Inappropriatefemale]

Also drink isn’t an excuse because you know what your doing in the back of your mind, there’s always a small sober part in the brain, at least I think so.

[Inappropriatefemale]

I was in a DV relationship back in 2005 to 2008 and when I think of it now then he always hit me when I had been screaming in his face about how useless he was, that he was a skinny tramp, etc etc, and whilst I know he should have had self control and walked away, finished with me etc, then I can’t help but think it was my fault, he wasn’t controlling or anything like many men like that are, I was never stopped from going anywhere, no jealousy or anything.

He went to prison 3 times over what he did to me as each time he pled guilty and so I never had to go to court but we always got back together which was stupid of the 2 of us, I finally kicked him to the kerb when the social work put my daughter on the “at risk” register as there had been 37 call outs to the police over 2.5 years and 13 times my daughter had been there, that was the thing that gave me the kick up the arss to stay away from for good, that and the fact I go off men that treat me like shit, naturally, I always feel for women that love the men that are violent to them, it must be awful, I loved my violent man at first but then it just started to fade away with every slap I got.

Leave him for good as it’s so very toxic and 2 drinkers together, that aren’t happy drinkers, make for a dangerous combination.

Men like that will never change with the partner that has accepted violence in the past, as much as he may want to change then he won’t and it’s a shame if he has many other qualities but you have to think of yourself and this violence far outweighs any good bits that he has, you’ll feel better in time, cliche that time is a healer but oh so true.

[Loula82]

I will definitely check out online AA meetings thanks. I'll do that right now and also take a look at that book by Lundy Bancroft. I think I remember looking at it before and deciding my DP seemed very like Mr Sensitive (Victim?-can't remember exactly which) in addition to having an addiction. His dad is angry with him and told me the first words out of my DP's mouth were "it wasn't my fault". That tells me he's blaming me and not taking responsibility. The police also told me he is denying my statement and said I was the one who assaulted him. He must be referring to me trying to slap him after he had pinned me down and pulled my hair. I do know this is wrong but I was so angry. I actually nearly had a panic attack.

[Loula82]

@Inappropriatefemale I feel it's half my fault and that I provoked him with my vicious words. I do know know that under no circumstances should he touch me and that there's no excuse for that.

I was telling the police officer about the time we were in a bar last year and he grabbed me and wouldn't let me go. The bouncers had to come over and throw him out. She said it wasn't a good sign that he had progressed to doing things like that in public and not hiding behind closed doors. Again he was heavily under the influence of alcohol.

[Wereallsquare]

I have to hide this post as it is bringing up too many painful memories for me.

Just want to remind you that your family and friends love you and will do anything to help you if you are willing to put aside your pride and let them know you need help.

Drinking is making your decision-making and processing of feelings worse. You know this. AA meetings are going on online 24 hours a day. intherooms.com is one site. Join one meeting or as many as you need. No need to show your face. Just listen and if you can, share.

I really hope you take care of yourself and your pets. Be responsible with their lives, please.

Thinking positive thoughts for you.

[GilbertMarkham]

Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

[GilbertMarkham]

Have you ever done a disclosure on him for previous DV? Might be worth it; of course even if he had no record at all, that means nothing. This sort of thing is not reported so much of the time.

[GilbertMarkham]

He can't even blame the reduced thinking/inhibitions caused by alcohol because you said he's been physical/violent sober as well.

[Inappropriatefemale]

Do you feel it’s half your fault because so many DV victims will feel that it’s their own fault or do you feel that you provoked him?

If he says not guilty then you will have to go and if he says guilty then he could go to jail and you don’t have the option to drop charges or anything as it’s not up to you and they may well think he coerced you anyway.

Sending