Over 30s who have never had a relationship, let's chat!

[Foreverquestioning]

Hello everyone! Self-explanatory title! I'm a 30 year old who has never had a relationship, and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it may never happen, so I want to hear from others in the same boat!

Some of the questions I'm interested in are..
Why do you think you've ended up in this position? Is it by choice?
How do you feel about it? Have you accepted it and truly stopped looking for love?
Or are you still hopeful?
What are the positives to this lifestyle that you've found?
Do you think you can be truly happy if you never get the chance to experience a relationship?
Do you think that admitting to a date that you've never been in a relationship is such a huge red flag that they probably will run for the hills afterwards?

Let's have a chat!

[MLMsuperfan]

Dating is a numbers game sadly. Sometimes they're 'just not that into you' and it's a better use of your time to cast the line again.

[CC1991]

@MLMsuperfan

That sounds like a low degree of sexual attraction. Do you have celebrity crushes?

I've had a few, yes! I've sometimes wondered if I'm 'asexual' but I don't think I am - it's just very rare for me to feel strong connections with people, either platonically or romantically. My most recent crush was one such example but he has made no effort to keep in contact with me as a friend since the summer (I've made plenty of effort throughout the lockdown).

[MLMsuperfan]

That sounds like a low degree of sexual attraction. Do you have celebrity crushes?

[CC1991]

Hope people don't mind me bumping this thread. I'm not quite 30, but my 30th birthday is only 9 months away!

I have been on one date in my entire life, and that was just last month (via OK Cupid)! Currently chatting to a handful of people on that site and on Match while we wait for society to open up again. I have been asked out just once in 'real life', and at first I tried to force myself to go along with it but for some reason my gut was saying 'no no no'!

I've only had 3 proper crushes in my lifetime and I asked out the most recent one and the one before that (my first crush was when I was 13/14 and he didn't seem to like me - at that age I was too scared of rejection to even try). Needless to say neither of them said yes.

Although I'm happy living on my own, I feel like my singledom has lasted long enough now, and I'd love to have the 'normal human' experiences of being in love and making love! The closest I've come to being in love was that first crush when I was 14! Neither of my subsequent crushes have reached that level, so I've almost forgotten what it's like to have strong romantic feelings.

[Rybvita]

I agree it's much more common than is realised, as people don't 'advertise' it. I'm sure if I mentioned it to colleagues or acquaintances they would be surprised. I know at least a couple of other women who are the same.

We as women have to realise that there are a LOT of not so good men out there. Who don't have good values and ultimately don't treat women well (despite many women being charmed by them). This society has a lot to answer for on that front. Pornography is one significant example.

I believe we should always uphold our values and only go for men who are the same. A lot of women don't do this unfortunately and let themselves be led completely by loneliness or neediness in seeking relationships. Sometimes they're not only a waste of time (which is bad enough as it automatically blocks the chance of meeting a better person during that time) but can actually be damaging in ways we don't always realise.

By being single, we've protected ourselves from the regret, insecurity and pain many women carry from being hurt by such men. I've seen this in countless friends and acquaintances, and learnt from their experiences. They often carry these scars after the relationships themselves end. It also often affects their subsequent relationships or how the woman views herself.

That's not to say that we should be closed to forming loving relationships with good men when they appear, but i think the key is that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being single if good and suitable men do not materialise.

[Hollyhocksarenotmessy]

I think it's more common than realised, and nothing to be embarrassed about. Too many people (me included) have been in relationships for all the wrong reasons, and that really was a waste of time and emotion.

A friend of mine never had much interest from men, even to date, let alone a relationship, into her mid 30s. She is lovely, smart and funny. She is now married with children. I think it's just luck really, do you encounter the right person or not.

[Foreverquestioning]

@Rybvita your message is incredibly sensible! That list of all the factors that have to align to build a succesful relationship just clearly illustrates how much of it is out of our hands!

To all the 5'3'ers! Some success stories on here to raise your hopes! :)

[Foreverquestioning]

@GettingChilly your message is so sad. I'm sorry things are that way for you.

[Foreverquestioning]

@Sk1nnyB1tch your message is not patronising at all! It's actually very hopeful. I like how you say that you don't know why it worked with him and not with others.

It confirms to me that there is no one specific issue with me that if fixed, would suddenly mean that I am beating off relationships with sticks.

I think accepting that luck plays a massive role is key here.

[Foreverquestioning]

@ChristmasCalamity

There is no more inherent value in being with a partner than being single and in my opinion it is far preferable to be single than to be in an unhealthy relationship.

I love this statement as I think its 100% true. I feel like I know that my worth as a person is not determined by my ability to be in a relationship, but then, I think the next step is dealing with the fact that I will be inevitablly be judged by others. I just know that most people would hear of someone in my position and automatically think there's probably something wrong with me. Or maybe they don't?

Either way, thanks for your post, very reassuring/mearsured.

[Foreverquestioning]

Wow, some amazing posts on here! Thanks @WellThisWentWellfor ressurecting this thread!

@Angrymum22 you make a good point re; 'what you see is what you get' Do you think going into your first relationship at a later stage was detrimental in any way? Like did you get the sense that you were disadvantaged due to your inexperience? Was your partner initally wary? Or did he make any comments that implied any of your actions were due to your inexperience, etc?

[Angrymum22]

I think 30 is a good age to start a relationship. Your properly grown up, you no longer worry about people’s opinions so you choose a partner for you and not to comply. Most people who are single in their 30s have done the “ideal” relationship and realised that there is more to love than flowers and holding hands.
Many couples who marry young grow apart by their 30s. After 30 you are pretty much the end product and unlikely to change so what you see is what you get.
I met my DH in my late 20s, he was 30. I hadn’t had a serious relationship, he’d had a couple. I had been focused on my career. We had known each other for a few years, part of the same large social group. We fell in love gradually, there was no rush, and are still together 30 yrs later.
I think what helped was that there was no pressure from either side of the family to do the marriage and family bit. None of our siblings married before 30 (well a couple did but were divorced by 30) and we have all had children in our late 30s so it was normal in our family to settle down in our 30s.

[Redwrecker]

Me.

I don’t know what it is. I mean, I am overweight etc, but plenty of people who are overweight have partners.

I think I have made peace with it, somewhat. I do worry that actually I wouldnt be able to cope with a partner now. As a previous poster said, I think I’d struggle with compromising, and that lack of space. I think I now enjoy my own company too much.

[ChristmasCalamity]

Hi OP! I hope it's ok for me to chime in.
I'm not single (married young, 13 years ago) but I have at least six girl friends who have never had a serious relationship or never had any relationship, even short term. We are all in our early/mid/late 30s. For some of them I guess the main reason is shyness/personality (and extreme choosiness! - I don't mean in ANY way that anyone should settle but I do believe it's not helpful to rule people out from a relationship by an initial judgment without waiting a little while to see how you actually get on) but for others I really don't know the reason. There certainly isn't any particular feature they all have in common. Like a PP said, there are actually quite a lot of factors that all need to come into place in order to successfully start a relationship and they don't always just happen.

Nowadays we are inundated with the concept that either being in a relationship, or dating and being sexually active is the norm, and anyone not fitting into that is weird. I disagree. Putting the entirety of human experience into a straightforward narrative like that is never a good idea, and honestly, if anyone really thinks that anyone who hasn't been in a relationship by the age of 30, 40, 50 or 60 is weird or that it's a 'red flag' then they are being an idiot. There are plenty of 'red flags' and they occur in couples and single people of all ages.

There is no more inherent value in being with a partner than being single and in my opinion it is far preferable to be single than to be in an unhealthy relationship. I'm sure that a lot of other people don't agree with me (or maybe do in theory but not in practice) and I can only assume, from the state of the relationships on the MN relationships board, among other things, that a lot of people drift into relationships either without really knowing their partner well or without a clear idea of their own value and how they deserve to be treated by a partner. So if you are not in a relationship, maybe one aspect of that is that you have enough sense and discernment to wait for someone good enough, and that isn't anything to be ashamed about.

So I want to offer some encouragement to anyone feeling lonely or like there's something wrong with them. There's probably not. Take heart, and in the meantime try to make your life as full and fulfilling as it can be. Finding friends in a similar position might be helpful.

[ComicePear]

My dad is also 5'3" and had never had a relationship before he met my mum age 30. They've been married for over 50 years now!

[Phillycheesesteak]

I dont enjoy relationships I've got to be honest

[GettingChilly]

someonem

The guy I'm seeing is about 5'3, as am I, and he's the perfect height for me. Far from having to overlook his height, it was the first thing I noticed about him - for all the right reasons.

He was also bullied for his height at school and struggled with online dating for the reasons you say. He feels his height has always held him back in relationships.

My preference has always been for shorter men. You never know who you'll.meet in the future.

[Chocaholic9]

Are you referring to a long term relationship? Or none at all? I'm mid 30s and have never had a long term relationship but I've had plenty of short-medium term ones.

[Sk1nnyB1tch]

I am married now but believed I would be forever single before I met my husband in my early 30's.
In my late teens and early 20's I dated and had interest from men who wanted to keep seeing me, but I panicked by 3 months at the latest and ended things. Looking back I think it was because I knew I had poor boundaries and was very unassertive in friendships and was afraid of being hurt in a relationship that was similar.
By mid twenties I wanted what a lot of my friends had, not least because they're long term relationships stopped them being as available to me.
I think one of the things not talked about in the loneliness of singledom is that as you get older you stop being anyone else's No 1.
Friends have partners and/or children that come first so your relationship with them that is a priority for you is something they are fitting in to their busy lives.
I was busy, I worked full time and had hobbies but all my personal interactions came from friends so those meetups and phone calls were a necessity for me but a nice addition for them.
I partly believed weight gain was a factor in my inability to get a relationship off the ground, but that made no sense as I would date just couldn't meet someone I wanted to keep seeing who also wanted to keep seeing me.
Then I started to believe there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I was giving off a bad vibe or something. I made plans for my life to focus on my career and move to a place where being single in your 30s was more the norm so at least my friendships would be on a more level playing field.
Then I met my husband, who hadn't been single for more than a few months since he was a teenager. His shortest relationship was a year!
I can't say why it worked with him and didn't with those who came before, it just did.
It wasn't all plain sailing once our honeymoon period was over. I had a few wobbles as I had a notion of a relationship like something from a film montage where you never ran out of things to talk about and shared interests and laughed all the time. The reality was somewhat different.
But it does work and I'm very happy with him. Not in a film happy ever after way, just in a I prefer his company to anyone else's way. While still loving my friends and family and wanting to spend time with them on my own.
This isn't meant to be a smug married patronising post, I don't have "The answer".
I just wanted to give hope that it can and does happen even when you've given up.

[someonem]

@Emmas85

Some of us are a little short in stature, but if you can overlook that (which shouldn't be difficult, even without your heels on!!) - we're definitely out here!! :)

[Emmas85]

Maybe we need a Mumsnet dating page

[Emmas85]

@someonem your post made me smile as it gave me hope that genuine guys are out there. You sound like a nice guy.
Op your post really resonates with me. I'm a single mum but have been single since I was 20. Sometimes I feel really down about it, I worry that this is my life now and that I'll grow old having never been loved. Never heard the words 'I love you' or felt what they mean. It's hard because at the same time I've got used to my life being this way and do like my own company. It's really difficult.

[someonem]

Fortysomething Male here. I've had more lottery wins than I've had first dates!

In answer to your questions:

Why do you think you've ended up in this position? Is it by choice?

At school I was bullied constantly by a lot of people. Even those that weren't bullies just wouldn't even be associated with me 'cos that wouldn't be cool, much less date me!

I'm about 5'3, so online dating is like the first round of Guess Who - Anyone less than 6' gets eliminated in the first round - either because you ladies like a tall man to make you feel all protected & safe. Or because if you date a short man you feel silly in heels (Great, so now I can't get a date because of a pair of inanimate objects!!)

Now, according to various threads on MN, because I'm in my 40's, childless and with nothing to put on my dating CV - apparently that raises red flags and means I'm immature.

How do you feel about it?

Gutted!

Have you accepted it and truly stopped looking for love?

I wouldn't say accepted "it". But I've accepted that the odds are stacked against me, so yeah - I gave up looking a long time ago.

Or are you still hopeful?

Not really. I'd love it to happen! But I'm not going out of my way to look for it any more. And yes - I realise that limits my chances, but.. meh... Why keep flogging a dead horse! Better things to invest my time & energy on.

What are the positives to this lifestyle that you've found?

I can do what I like, when I like. And the money I saved not dating, getting married and having kids meant I could semi-retire early. (So I can spend more time playing with my Lego - y'know, being immature and all that! :P )

Do you think you can be truly happy if you never get the chance to experience a relationship?

I don't know. Grass is always greener, etc. I like the idea of being in a relationship. But then sometimes I look at friends relationships (and plenty of dramas played out here on MN) and wonder if it's really all it's hyped up to be or whether I am better off living my selfish single life!

Do you think that admitting to a date that you've never been in a relationship is such a huge red flag that they probably will run for the hills afterwards?

As mentioned above - I've seen enough posts here on MN where women have stated it's a red flag.

Bonus Question - From a bloke's POV, Do I see it as a red flag if a woman hasn't had a relationship?

Absolutely not! I would much rather date a lady who's not had a relationship than one who has had quite a few. I'll stick my head above the parapet and suggest that both men and women who have a substantial dating history are more likely to be the "life & soul of the party" aesthetics. Where as us terminally single are probably the more "plain Jane", curl up in front of the fire with some cocoa types - and that suits me! :)

[GettingChilly]

I'm 45.

I've had 'relationships' in the sense that I havent always been single. But they've each lasted only 3 or 4 months and then I've been single for a couple of years before meeting someone else I'd be willing to date for a few months.

I'm seeing someone now. We've been together for 10 months. It's the longest relationship I've had. I know he doesn't love me and I know he doesn't find me attractive. I think I've just been good company over lockdown etc and he is willing to have sex with me.

He is always mind and polite but I am under no illusion that he has feelings for me.

I've never had a good relationship or one where I've been loved and treated well. I find it easier being single but sometimes it's really just nice to pretend I'm like everyone else.

[Rybvita]

I have a beautiful bubbly friend who only got her first boyfriend in her mid 30s. Prior to that she had had interest from guys and had been on many dates but nothing ever materialised into a relationship. That relationship ended after a few months and she then subsequently met another guy, got engaged and then married relatively quickly, and has now had a baby aged 37. There was nothing 'wrong' with her, it just happened to take time to find a relationship where she would rather genuinely be with the guy than single.

If you properly think about it, it's actually not that straightforward to have a situation where you're 1. both physically attracted to each other 2. Mutual personality attraction 3. Dont have any 'deal breaker' habits for the other person 4. Both want a proper relationship 5. Have enough interests in common 6. Share the same values and vision of life 7. In a situation where you're able to sustain a relationship 8. Happen to meet each other at the right time!

To be honest I think a lot of people are quite insecure and since the social norm is that you 'should' be partnered, a lot of people aren't that fussy and just settle for someone who they like enough simply so they're not single. My friend could have similarly settled just so she could tick the 'boyfriend' box but she's happy with her husband now and the fact that she was single before for all those years doesn't matter one jot.

Whenever you meet someone whether it's in your 30s or later (some people meet the loves of their lives in old age!) you will know that it's because you actually want to be with them and you have the strength of character to not be dependent on someone else for your reason for living. 😊

Im about to turn 30 myself and been on dates and seen a guy for a few months but ive never had a proper boyfriend. It's been tough at times, though I do know if it's a choice between single or bad relationship I would choose the former. I've matured quite a lot recently and I think some of the reason for being single has been unintentionally putting up barriers and being unavailable somewhat in order to protect myself (a guy I went out with actually said I was guarded which I had never realised before). I know the biggest part of it is also not meeting a right guy yet who I fancy (I dont believe in 'the one') but I'm also aware there are things in my personality that could be unintentionally putting guys off due to past dad issues. The good thing is I can work on it!