Don't think I can stay any longer

[emmy29]

I've had so much advice from various friends and family that I don't know which way to turn.

I have been unhappy with my DH for a while. We have been together 10 years married for 4 and have four children together. Recently I met someone else who I really like. We just click and you don't meet many people like that in life. Anyway DH found out and life has been pretty much hell for the last 4 weeks.

In my heart I know I shouldn't stay but it is scary leaving. We are arguing constantly and I've told him twice that its over and each time he has overreacted and got really angry which has scared me. He knows that it will take time to sort things out if I am leaving i.e. finding somewhere for me and the kids to live. However the other night I'd had enough and said it was over and he threatened to throw me out as it is "his house". I refused and he said he was leaving I went to get something from the car and he locked me out so I had to smash the back door window to get in. I can't keep going on like this its not fair on the children.

To top it off today I was giving my second son a bath and when he took his clothes off he has a hand print bruise on his back. I asked him how it had happened and my eldest son said that Dad had hit him when I was at work on the weekend. I asked the details and he said that Daddy had hit him really hard on the back and around the head!! I am absolutely in shock. He's always had a bad temper with the kids, but I will not tolerate this. It has just made me want to leave even more.

The problem I've got is he thinks that he is not to blame at all for me wanting to leave he thinks all the blame is on this other man I like. But I would not leave if I wasn't unhappy. I wouldn't leave him for another guy as that's just stupid. I like this other guy but its just highlighted to me all the problems in our marriage and made me realise that we are just so different.

I feel so suffocated by him as he's taken to checking everything I say or do on the computer and checking my phone. He has absolutely no trust left and I cannot live with someone not giving me any tiny bit of privacy which he thinks is his right at the moment.

I'm just sooooooo tired of all the fighting

[MrsMarvel]

I suppose all I can say is that a mother will protect her child at all costs and no-one will get between them, however IT literate they are.

[barnstaple]

I'm with you Mrs Marvel, poor Emmy29. This is just really horrible; and then hijacking the thread. It's very worrying. Emmy29 I hope you're alright?

[MrsMarvel]

This is too creepy for me.

[MrsMarvel]

I can't believe I'm reading this.

[madamez]

Countess Dracula: infidelity does NOT deserve breaches of privacy or physical assaults. People who refuse to allow their partners privacy find their relationships are doomed anyway.

[Batteredsausage]

Yes, I want my relationship to work I have 4 amazing children and a wife who I love very deeply.

If she knew (and she will probably read all of this anyway) she would probably think of it as an invasion on her privacy, which it probably is?

Thank you for listening, it has helped a great deal I think you are right I will leave it at that. BS

[Spink]

So you want this relationship to work then, if you are worried about losing her trust & respect? Does she know you are on here right now, and what you are saying - and if so, what does she think about it? Surely what she thinks is more important than what a bunch of mners think about you.

[Hurlyburly]

We will never know the truth of this matter. This is probably best played out privately anyhow.

Whatever you two have been doing to one another, please protect your children and remove them from any source of harm.

[Batteredsausage]

Would you check up first on someone that you had been with for ten years that you suspected might be cheating on you? Or would you just come out and say it and possibly lose their confidence, trust and respect for you??

[CountessDracula]

I should think he needs to check up on his wife because she has been unfaithful to him

Understandable IMO

[EscapeFrom]

Why are you looking?

Why do you get the urge to check up on what your wife has been doing on the computer?

Why have you registered on Mumsnet and made your first post on a thread written by your wife? How did you know what she was writing if you weren't monitoring her computer use - and why are you monitoring her computer use?

Why do your older children think you have hit your four year old little boy around the head, and on the back hard enough to bruise him?


The things you are giving don't add up very well with the other things you are saying, I am afraid. You cannot have known about any 'accusations' your wife has made unless you were already checking up on her - so why were you checking up on her?

[Batteredsausage]

My son has 3 Five pence sized bruises on his back. The smack I refered to was on his bottom. I can't explain the bruising he has but it certainly isn't hand shaped/sized by any stretch.

Regarding privacy.... This is a public forum freely available to anyone who registers. The hosts will know more about you than you think just from your ISP number etc!!

[EscapeFrom]

So you say that what she is saying about you isn't true? There wasn't a bruise on his back?

Then you have even bigger (IMHO) problems between you.

Regarding privacy ... how did you know what your wife was writing about you without breaching her privacy in the first place?

[Batteredsausage]

Escapefrom, I have no contempt for you or anyone on this forum. I think you provide valuable and welcome advice for many people in a variety of circumstances.

If you could point me in the direction of the hand shaped bruise on my sons back it would be most helpful, it certainly wasn't their last night.

Yes my wife knows I have read the posts, I have breached her privacy as I feel the need to defend myself from accussations that have been made about myself in several different forms.

[EscapeFrom]

This is a message to the OP,

If you ever get to come back and read this, think about this.

It doesn't matter what your husband promises, it doesn't matter about how much you love him, or how much the children love him, or how much he loves you.

If you don't do something to show your children you will defend them, they will never trust you to defend them again.

Your little boy has been beaten and bruised. To be bruised by someone is an assault. You have been told about this by your other children. You now have a legal and moral duty to remove your children from the source of abuse.

I know how hard that is, especially if you are in two minds about whether you want to. I KNOW because I had to do it myself ... but think on this.

In 10 years time, can you face a 14 year old boy and answer the question "Why did you keep letting him hit me, Mum? Didn't you care enough about me to stop him?"

The answer is not to quit your job, by the way. I have a suspicion the blame will have been placed on you going to work and leaving him "With four kids who don't listen to a word I say".

His Violence, His Problem, make him own it himself.

[Blu]

All the children.
DP saw his father hit his younger sister when he was a child and still feels the guilt a child feels when they are distressed yet helpless. It will be affecting all of them.
Think of that, which ever of you is reading.

[KaySamuels]

You probabaly daren't post on here anymore due to your H's invasion of your privacy. I think you know what you need to do. Think of your son.

[newlifenewname]

I hate to harp on at people like this but this is classic controlling behaviour and is abuse. Don't let the practicalities get in the way of you getting your son and you in a safe place. You NEED to and your son needs to know you will protect him.

Look at it this way, he just grassed on his daddy. That is a BIG thing for a child to do because no matter how horrid adults can be, they still hate to speak or think badly of parents because they love them. To be quite honest, your son probably told you about the bruise because he was telling you he needs you to do something to make stuff like this stop. And remember that nearly all adult and child victims of abuse say that the emotional stuff is worse than the physical so if your dh is agressive/grumpy/shouty/unkind with your son already this will be taking its toll.

I KNOW it is hard to leave but I think you need to take some decisive action.

[LaBoheme]

poor little boy

[Blu]

Well, BatteredSaausage, anyone who hits a 4 year-old, espcially hard enough to leave bruises, and around the head, needs help with parenting, anger and communication. Anyone who really loves thjoier wife and children and wants to create a safe secure loving relationship would seek urgent relationship counselling (through Relate or other) and specific anger management and parenting suport. Which is freely available thhough a range of outlest. MN is a good source of advice on such things.

[EscapeFrom]

Your contempt shows, by the way, in the way you have likened us to the Jerry Springer audience. Why do you feel contempt for us?

[EscapeFrom]

Actually, I see no irony in the 'dead in a ditch' comment. I am under no duty to protect someone who has bruised my child. You, however, have a duty to protect your children, and instead you have damaged them. How did your son receive a hand shaped bruise to his back, if you haven't beaten him? whose hand left that bruise there, if it wasn't yours?

Nice how you waited until the wife was neatly out of the way too. Brave.

On another note, does your wife know you are reading her posts? Why are you breaching her privacy in this way? And, I think you should ask yourself, why do you feel the need to?

[Batteredsausage]

So this is it, the Jerry Springer moment.... Jerry, Jerry, Jerry...........

Please feel free to boo, hiss and hurl abuse.

But if you can please put what you may have read about me in this thread and any opinions formed to one side, just for a few moments to read what I have to say.

At the outset I would like to say that I do not agree with violence or abuse in any form, it repulses me totally.

I must however defend myself from the accusation that I abuse my children and that as it has been put on this forum that I beat my children, I DO NOT. I have been accused of being (in no order) a rapist, a wife beater, a paedophile through various mediums over the previous few weeks, but to be called a child beater really is hard to take. I feel that I now have to defend myself from some of these accusations.

I admit that I did smack my son, and completley understand how that sounds to you all. I am completely ashamed of myself and have apologised to him for an action that must be very difficult for a four year old to come to terms with. This however, does NOT excuse my behaviour and will be looking for help to stop this happening again. In my defence please please please, do not even begin to imagine (as has been assumed and implied here) that I am a child beater.

As for some of the comments recieved in this thread I agree with most whole heartedly, for the vast vast majority of parents the thought of violence or any form of abuse towards children is truely sickening.

Please read back through the thread I hope that the irony of wishing someone "dead in a ditch" isn't lost on everyone when reading a thread about physically abuse and violence!

Take care of yourselves, and each other. BS

Cue abuse!!

[madamez]

Good luck, hope you have either got away or your horrible H is cooling his heels in a cell somewhere. Don't for a minute think that counselling or pandering to his jealousy or any change in your behaviour will patch things up - this man is an abusive bully and he won't get any better without years of therapy and that's not your problem.