Sexual Assault - don't know if I should tell DP

[Gobolino80]

Approximately 3 years ago I was sexually assaulted by one of my DP's good friends.
I haven't told anyone. I don't know exactly why. Fear of not being believed. Because it's one of his best friends and he will be heartbroken. Because I was drunk and feel guilty about that. I've felt all of those at one point.
Most of the time I can put it to the back of my mind, but I have periods of intense anger (today triggered by over hearing a bunch of men accusing the women in the Epstein case of "being liars, out for the money") where I can barely keep it in.
I've had no contact with DP's friend since that night. And I never will again, it was the first time I had met him.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking for from MN, but DP is due back from a weekend away late tonight and I'm pretty sure blurting it out when he walks through the door is not the best idea.
Why do I feel so guilty?

[WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName]

well done OP... glad you’ve taken that step.

[Greenkit]

❤ glad you have a supportive husband

[BramberryCustard538]

In so glad you told your husband and I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was really despicable what that man did to you , I have been drunk in mixed company many times and nothing close to that has ever happened.

I never protected myself from the possibility of it happening because I didn't think I had too. You should have had that too, that man is the one who should struggle to get over who he is and what he did.

You have done nothing wrong , absolutely nothing. And I'm so glad your going to get help for it.

[ittakes2]

Sorry - just saw your update! I am so happy for you your DP sounds so lovely.

[ittakes2]

Your reaction of not saying anything is completely normal. I think though after trying to bury abuse myself that I second others that you see a therapist and work out the best way to tell your DP for your sake. This man is also a predator - he planned to come home when you were alone, drunk and asleep. If he did this to one of his friends girlfriends he will or has being doing it to others. If you have a baby with your DP and he then wants to introduces the baby to his friend - are you going to feel comfortable with that?

[BattyBettysBiccy]

Well done @Gobolino80
I hope your dp handles the situation with the friend well too xx

[BasedInDublin]

Thanks for posting the update OP. Speaking from experience, you did the right thing, it will help you going forward.

[billy1966]

Wishing you the best OP.

I would also think he deliberately returned early to try and assault you.

So sorry you have suffered in silence for so long.

[NoMoreDickheads]

Fantastic. So glad your DP seems a good man. This will bring you closer, and I imagine you feel better for there being some time when you don't have to hide such a secret. Wishing you healing. xxx EMDR therapy is good for trauma and I would recommend. xxx

[WellThisIsShit]

I’m so glad your dp has been supportive. Well done for biting the bullet and telling him. How awful the last couple of years must have been for you in this regard.

Well done

[redastherose]

Well done OP, it will help you to have told him and leave you able to work through it now.

[maras2]

gobolino

mrgobolino
You are a
Much love Mx.

[HollowTalk]

I'm so glad you told your husband. It seems pretty clear that this was this guy's intention when he left the pub earlier than the others. He knew you were at home alone. Realistically, a guy who's got male guests staying with him, who is at the pub with them, would stay until they all went home. He targeted you. What a horrible man he is.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@Gobolino80 I'm so happy for you. You did a really brave thing.

Do get done further help as this won't go away on its own (as you've found) but it's no longer your secret burden.

As for the circumstances as others have said you went up to bed because you were pissed - there's absolutely no blame on you not that there would have been.

I also think he knew what he was doing. I've been around a lot of pissed men, even shared beds with them, and this has never happened. Not even close. He's a predator. It's not you it's him.

[Lisette1940]

DP I meant no do

[Lisette1940]

What a lovely caring do you have. All the best to you Gobolino

[tenlittlecygnets]

Well done, op. You made a good decision. I'm glad you feel better and I'm so glad your DH handled it well. Wishing you all the best for your recovery.

[Gobolino80]

For those of you that were kind enough to offer advice and support, I just wanted to let you know that I told DP this evening about the assault. I caught a radio phone in on sexual assault last week and it had been building up inside me since.
He was absolutely wonderful, gave me huge cuddles whilst I was a snotty crying mess, says he will support me in whatever I need to do to try and move on. I'm going to speak to the GP this week and explore support/therapy options. I feel lighter already.

[Whenthereslovethereshope]

I have been sexually assaulted twice, once on a train to work and once walking out of a shopping mall through a large parking lot (at that time didn't have the car). Both times, a man groped my breasts and ass. Both times, man said filthy shit (about bitch come and sleep with me and much gross things). Both times, first I went into a shock and froze and then after a split second, I am running for my life. And both times, I blamed myself. Why? I thought maybe I provoked them, maybe I am wearing something enticing!?! Though both times I was wearing work formal clothes and didn't make any eye contact or did anything like that. So I don't know why I felt that way but I can relate with the feeling of self-blame.

The only difference is that both times, I told my DH. I didn't hide. I couldn't as he could tell that there's something wrong. He did believe me of course. But I think he was more angry that he wasn't there with me to protect me or do something. He was angry that men could be so pathetic to do something like this. He was angry that no one was there to help. He was also angry that I didn't do more than running away but should've called the police.

I think you should consider telling him. This will haunt you forever and he deserves to know not only in terms of you two being faithful and honest with each other in the relationship but also in terms of his friendship that he shares with this friend who tried to assault you. Your DP must know. I hope it goes well for you and you don't encounter anything like this ever again. But if you ever do, please don't hide it. You haven't done anything wrong.

[rumred]

Sorry for what happened to you op, similar happens to so many women, it's shocking.
I think you need to be clear that you were in no way at fault and then tell your dp. Surely he deserves to know? How would you feel if it had happened to him and he didn't confide in you?
If he behaves badly it's better you know what sort of person he really is

[GrandmaSteglitszch]

Gobolino, speaking with a counselor could help you to sort out your thoughts about whether to tell your DP and how to deal with his reaction, whatever it might be.

It's reasonable that you said nothing at the time because you were in shock, and you said nothing later because you didn't want to ruin DP's friendship.

You feel guilty probably because you feel that you are carrying this heap of crap and you don't want to inflict it on your DP.
If your DP cares for you, though, he will want to help you deal with the heap of crap.

Do find a counselor to talk it through with.

{{{ Hugs to you }}}

[Sfgm]

Gobolino, I read this thread a few days ago and have been trying to write a reply. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It wasn't your fault at all. I don't have anything new to say advice wise, only to repeat the others when they say speak to a professional. They can help you process what happened and discuss the next steps (if any). I wanted to say that I understand the guilty feeling, and saying nothing. Stuff similar to this has happened to me twice. I remember the shock of the next few days replaying it and being unable to believe it actually happened. I remember blaming myself for drinking, which is bull, as I should have been blaming the guys that did it. I thought I was amongst friends like a poster said earlier. One of the guys is my best friends husband. I kept quiet (it happened this year) and I'm not sure if I can explain my reasons for doing that other than not wanting to cause a "fuss". As I write this I realise how ridiculous that sounds. I have a daughter and I would be mortified if someone did this to her and she kept quiet. Although I realise I am not modelling the behaviour I want from her. So you are not alone, and whatever you decide to do, good luck. You didn't deserve this, and I wish you all the best.

[Wonkydonkey44]

I understand why you didn’t say anything .... on my honeymoon a waiter offered to show me the way to the ladies loos . He groped my breast as he’d thrown an arm over my shoulder , he went past another employee as he did it and they both laughed . I’d had a bit to drink but it still totally shocked me . My husband never found out

[Ginger1982]

Hugs for what you've been through. You are NOT to blame here.

I think you need to consider what you want to achieve by telling your DP.

For example, do you now want to tell the police? I can imagine that a loving DP's first reaction might be to push you to do this. Or would you like to be encouraged to get some kind of counselling?

He might get very angry and want to confront his friend and do you think you would be able to prevent that if it wasn't what you wanted?

He might feel some sense of disbelief due to the passage of time. Do you think you could cope if this caused either a short or indeed long term change to your relationship?

I'm absolutely not saying that you shouldn't tell him but it's not going to be a case of telling him and then going back to watching the telly so I would definitely consider how you would like things to play out and go forward from that point

[Sortinghatton]

I mean, do you think he's likely to respond angrily towards you ?