AIBU - no help from DP

[Jbonesmumma1]

Morning all, so I just wanted some feedback on my current situation.... I genuinely feel like I am going mad! I don't think I'm being unreasonable but my partner makes out that I am the DEVIL! Sorry if this post is a bit long!

So essentially I quit my job to be a SAHM two months ago after maternity leave. I have a ten month old son. He is amazing but very hard work. He has recently started waking at 5am, coupled with 1.5 - two hourly wakings all night long. He has always been an awful sleeper since birth. I'm EXHAUSTED. DP is a scaffolder so he works at heights. When the nights got too tough at four months (he wasn't helping me by the way he just could hear the noise) he went downstairs to sleep on the sofa. He has been there for 6 months now I have asked him to come back upstairs but he 'needs his sleep'. FAIR ENOUGH! BUT!!! Now our DS has started waking at 5am, (i thinks it's part of the sleep regression, he did it before it was just a phase!!) I have asked DP if he would mind taking him for an hour (he wakes up at 5.15am to get ready for work anyway) so I could catch up a little bit before I begin my day. He is being so passive aggressive about it... he likes to go to the gym at 4.30am before work sometimes (he's a massive gym head) I said it's not every morning just SOME mornings so I can catch up. He has begrudgingly agreed to do the morning, it's the attitude I can't stand TBH!!! So bitchy because he has to actually do something. i heard this morning screaming coming from downstairs.... he is eating food in front of DS and DS is hungry and he hasn't made him any I asked why he didn't make DS food and he said 'I don't have time maybe you should get up earlier?!' .... I do ALL THE NIGHT FEEDS, Cooking cleaning you name it!!! I have asked for a weeny bit of help!!! And I get a shit ton of attitude. I honestly can't cope with him sometimes!!

He came in from work the other day and I asked if he would mind bathing the baby. DP hadn't seen him for two days as the baby had been in bed by the time he got home.... he said 'most men wouldn't help with the baby the minute they got in they would want a break' ... then sloped off into the bathroom... He works very hard... six days a week. I understand it's tough, I do. But it's not easy being a SAHM either! I only wanted a small break in the morning... surely it's not too big and ask?! AIBU??

[Robin2323]

Going against the grain but I can see both sides.
I have been in your position op and it's sucks.
But it must be hard working 6 days doing such a physical job.
Not sure I'd be fit for much else if I was doing that.
Having a baby turns your life upside down but the dad just carry's on as before.
Soon though you're be through the baby stage. Toddler will start sleeping through and you'll feel completely different.
Just hang in there.
Have you got a trusted friend you could leave baby with for a few hours?

[fedup21]

might try and look into an au pair? My boss suggested it, said if I rented a small house she would live with us and it's super cheap!? Like £80 a week!!

Are you thinking of paying an au pair £80 a week and she will provide you with full time
Childcare for a baby?

[Spiderhands]

You can't leave a child that young with an au pair, and as Cranston said even if you could its 30 - 35 hours per week, not full time. You will need nursery or a childminder

[aweedropofsancerre]

The others on here are correct that an au pair should only work up to 30hrs a week. They are untrained too. Depending on what you decide I would suggest you look at a shared child minder. These can reduce the monthly costs and your DC is around other children. I have never had the opportunity to be a SAHM however my DC are not damaged due to going to a nursery. Good luck with what you decide, it’s not an easy time for you at all.

[tuxedocatsintophats]

You are not married so you need to go back to work. An au pair is not full-time childcare and should not be in sole charge of such a young child, so best to find a nursery or childminder for your son. Being a SAHM is never a good idea if you're not married unless you have independent wealth. Unfortunately, you chose to procreate with an inherently sexist man and he will never change. Damage mitigation is what you need now - get a job and get your independence back and do not 'fall' pregnant to this man again (use two forms of contraception).

[Seaweed42]

If I was to take a guess. He's a Mummys boy. He wanted you all to himself when he met you, and thought he had found a new Mummy to score him. Then DS came along and your DH resents this child for taking you off him.
So he stages a protest by sleeping on the sofa. His son has put him out of his bed, and you prefer the son, that's why he is resentful. Neither if you are good at talking to each other so the result is simmering anger and acting out. He could be taking steroids too.
Using your child as a means to hurt you by not feeding is unacceptable.

[croprotationinthe13thcentury]

Ditch this cock-womble and get back to work. Not ideal - but surely a better life than you have now.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Blimey - when I was at home with baby, the minute my (now Ex)H walked through the door he was handed the baby.
I needed a break and he understood that.
He helped a lot.
And your P attitude of 'most men wouldn't help with the baby the minute they got in they would want a break'
Most men would - because they are decent human beings who know that they have to do their fair share with THEIR child!!!!

[Nogoodusername]

What does he think working parents do? We have to parent our children as soon as we pick them up from school/ nursery/ childcare because they need looking after! That’s parenting, there aren’t breaks after work until bedtime anymore. I would not be a SAHM in these circumstances

[Jbonesmumma1]

I see! Au pair idea isn't going to be an option then. I had never even heard of it until my boss mentioned on the phone last night.

I know his attitude is very 1940s ... his mum was a SAHM. Never worked a day in her life. So that's probably where a lot of this stems from, that and he's a massive arsehole.

Problem though, what if he wants baby a few days a week if we do split!? Which he will fight for just to hurt me no doubt. Not that he wants to hang out with DS. Don't know if I trust him with him after all this??? I mean he is obviously a nasty bastard

[Jbonesmumma1]

He honestly is clueless. I think he is just a spoilt brat who has no idea about sacrifice... he seems to think baby is all Women’s work. I understand what you mean Robin23 and I don't appreciate that he works very hard rain or shine 6 days a week... it's tough. But he has been doing this job since he was 20 (now 33) it's not something he isn't used to?plus he is getting 8hours a night sleep. Nothing has changed for him at all. Except he is on sofa

[Jbonesmumma1]

*do not don't appreciate

[CostanzaG]

I could not be with someone who thought caring for children is 'womens work'

[Jbonesmumma1]

I know it's fucking embarrassing!! I feel like a prize idiot for having a baby with him. But in fairness the 8 years prior he NEVER gave me any inclination that this was the case.

Part of me thinks he has lost respect for me now I'm no longer a 'breadwinner'

[CostanzaG]

I think it's just that he genuinely believes it's your job to take care of the child and house. He resents you asking him to contribute.
It was fine before you had a child but now you're a mother that's your job.....that's what he learnt growing up.

[NabooThatsWho]

But it must be hard working 6 days doing such a physical job.
Not sure I'd be fit for much else if I was doing that.

Right 🙄 And what if OP was also working full-time? Do neither of them have to parent their child once they get in from work as they are tired? Oh wait, you just muck in and get on with it like millions of other parents.

[NabooThatsWho]

And if he was that tired, he wouldn’t be getting up at 4.30am to go to the gym.

Good luck OP, it’s not easy but much better than living with a useless twat.

[ScatteredMama82]

That's ridiculous. My DH works long hours too (in fact he works away all week at the moment). When ours were babies I took a year off each time. I did the 'night shift' during the week but he did Friday and Saturday night to give me some sleep. He also ALWAYS does the bed/bath routine when he's here. For him it's time to bond with the DCs and I can get on with other stuff (or just sit down and have a cuppa). He's never had to be asked or told to do these things, he's just a decent human being who realises what being a parent means. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need. If nothing else, it shows you absolutely can cope on your own.

[MrHaroldFry]

Go back to work and get out. That is no life for you or your son.

A solution on childcare can be found. Ask around, call friends, relations, local nursery. It won't be easy at the beginning but you CAN do this and you won't have to be relying on this excuse of a man.

[tuxedocatsintophats]

Oh, they all say they want 50/50 custody and they'll fight you and blah blah blah. It's utter bullshit! They CBA'd to do that work. He might start out like this and fob his kid off on his mother, but it won't last and it's certainly no reason to waste the rest of your life on a sexist person like this who shows no respect for you at all.

[crappyday2018]

Aside from his long working hours, he should WANT to spend time with his child and form a bond. He clearly just doesn't want to. He's not a good Dad, sorry.

[Jbonesmumma1]

He is a bad dad. He always takes the baby over his mums or sisters whenever he 'takes him off me for a bit' ... his words... again with the acting a hero for offering any help. It's like he doesn't want to play with him / can't be bothered. So makes out he wants to take him to visit family so he can just palm him off. It's SO bizarre... because with friends of ours toddlers and kids he's brilliant... plays with them for hours. Maybe it's just for show.

Also, I had to laugh. I bumped into one of DPs friends in town earlier and he said 'DP told me about your baby being a terrible sleeper, up all night for the past 6months... it's been tough on you both, he told me he's shattered' I had to fight off the urge to burst out laughing in his face.... BEEN TOUGH ON US BOTH. He's been on the couch snoring his head off for six months. Only done three night feeds since birth obviously tells everyone else different.

[Jbonesmumma1]

Your totally right tuxedo... no doubt his VILE mother will end up having joey. Which makes my blood boil as I can't stand her and she is USELESS

[Jbonesmumma1]

Honestly thanks so much everyone who responded. I have taken all comments on board and I'm quite fired up to get a job and get my independence back. For me and Joe. We both deserve better.

I know if i had spoken to friends they would say 'stay, work it out for the baby...' ... as they all buy his 'Im such a nice guy' act

[timeisnotaline]

Start telling everyone. Try and catch up with people who you can say you know dp has spent more time playing with your child than I’ve ever seen him with his own? Make sure he can hear.

Mine jumped into parenting as soon as he got home as he’s a proper dad. If you can’t say you told me you gave me a break last week, let me return the favour. I’ll take baby out and you hoover the entire house and do xyz in the next hour as that was my break . If it’s a break for me it’s a break for you.
If a serious talk and some public truth telling (x has slept downstairs for 6 months now, I’m so crazy jealous of his full nights sleep I am bordering on homicidal some nights. Hopefully nobody does murder him any time soon or you will all look at me now teeheee) Won’t make him see then this is the real him. I rather feel this is the real him though, he obviously knows men parent too as he tells all his friends he does...

What others say re au pair though, you will have to pay a childminder. I’d take your job back, find a childminder and start making plans (assuming he doesn’t change)