Getting an induction today and furious with DH

[outingnamechange]

Namechanged because this is probably outing. Plus I don't usually post personal stuff like this, but got to vent!

Going in for an induction today, after having a complicated high risk pregnancy, and so angry with husband after a big argument yesterday that I can't even look at him without seething.

Lately he's been getting short tempered and having an attitude whenever I ask him to do anything around the house that should actually be coming out of him to do. Before i go any further, although he works hard at his job, he's currently on holiday and has a tendency to sit on his arse all day if i dont prompt him to do even the most basic of things around the house. When I do he turns into a stroppy teenager, and behaves as if he's doing me a big favour.

Also, before i go any further I've been coming and going to hospital a few times a week in the last few months either for appointments, scans or been kept in overnight because of the high risk pregnancy. Also my mum, who lives abroad, has come ver to help out shortly before the induction and to help once the baby arrives. And just as well, as she's been doing all the cooking and cleaning since she arrived. So husband has been pretty much just sleeping in until almost midday each day ever since, and running the odd errand here and there or putting the bin out and acting like he's so hard done to.

Yesterday I asked him if he could please finish a couple of small diy jobs, because they can't be done when the baby is here. Too noisy and are things that have to be working before we bring a baby home. Been asking him to do them for months but he's been putting it off. So he gets all angry, and starts shouting and acting like a total asshole. Totally out of proportion. I was left shaken and furious. And then went on about how i don't appreciate all the stuff he's been doing around the house lately. Erm, excuse me, "all that stuff" were mostly things in preparation for the arrival of his child. And the other stuff were normal things people do each day as home maintenance - put the bin out, wash the odd dish. I gave him a piece of my mind and told him to f*ck off. I was so angry with him I was left shaking for ages after, and have felt ill ever since.

He did apologise, but that was after I told him I have no need to be putting up with his immature stroppy behaviour. And that i will not be spoken to or treated in the way he did. So he can start changing his attitude and the way he behaves, not having my child growing up thinking women should accept being spoken to in such a way.

So instead of relaxing and getting much needed rest before today, been so worked up I haven't been able to sleep all night. He also seems to think induction is a walk in the park and that I'll be popping the baby out in a few hours time, just like that. So doubt he'll be much good as a birth partner. This is the man that had to rush to A&E after coming back from holiday because he thought he was dying and had to be waited on hand and foot. Turns out he had a 24 hour tummy bug.

[MondieBee]

I guess I just don't understand it as I would have never expected anything. It's hard for us of course but not easy for them either. Just can't imagine expecting a gift or anything. Feels really demanding.

But I expect to be treated well which OPs partner hasn't done. My DH ran round cooking for me and gave me the mountains of medication I left hospital with (I had no clue what to take when) and generally was a useful, loving person to have around.

It seems odd to list all the things OPs partner hasn't done and then add and he didn't even get me flowers as though you'd expect anything different from a man who appears to be unable to take on even a basic caring role.

[MrsBertBibby]

It's pretty normal to assume a new dad will make some kind of gift to new mum, I think. I'd have quite liked a cheese platter myself. Didn't get so much as a bunch or carnations, of course. Hell, he didn't even fill the fridge, just got himself a load of ready meals and left me to forage on whatever was left over from New Year.

[MondieBee]

He sounds like an arsehole but why does he need to buy you a present or flowers? All the other stuff you've said sounds terrible but then that comment makes me wonder what his side would be. Who expects a gift, especially given his track record?

Didn't even as much as get some flowers from him until four days later when SIL asked if he'd got me a present and told him off.

[crimsonlake]

Congratulations, how wonderful... As for your DP, how upsetting and disappointing when you need him the most he is really letting you down. How old are you both and how long have you been together?
My ex was delighted at the birth of our first, so much so that the week I was in hospital some years ago he would visit me every evening then rush off to have nights out with his friends. On the birth of our second child he would get in to rages with me. On the second night home he wanted a night out and he wanted a friend to stay over. I put my foot down as I did not want drunken guests so soon after giving birth as I already had an 18 month old to cope with as well. Actually I think he did have his guest as I left and went to my sisters with my new baby and toddler. I well remember in a rage he threw all my flowers from visitors in the bin ! He was on 2 weeks holiday as soon as I had the baby and told me ' it's my holiday too '
I stayed with him, too ashamed to tell anyone about his behaviour, but I never forgot and held it against him until the end.
If I had my time again I would have left him. I did not at the time as I had 2 little ones and had given up my career and did not know where we would go, although I did have family. I wish I had have done as I could have resumed my career and managed somehow but you do not think so at the time.

[MrsBertBibby]

Congratulations OP.

My ex still complains, when he feels the need to explain again what an awful person I am, that I failed to thank him for staying in the delivery room and dressing our new born son while I was in theatre having a dnc to get the placenta out.

He accordingly didn't feel the need to thank me for turning myself inside out and leaving half my blood on the delivery room floor in delivering our son. 14 bloody years and he still bangs on about it. Astonishingly, he remains single 12 years after I left. My fault too, apparently.

And he was well over 40 with 3 previous kids, so no excuse of fear or life change.

Keep you mum there as long as you can, this giant baby will be of no help to you. Mine wasn't.

[IndieTara]

Op do listen to the good advice your being given. My now XH started off this way after the scan telling us we were having a girl. It never got any better

[TimeForANewNameIThink]

First of all, congratulations!
Just remember you don't need to put up with this. Just because you have a baby, you don't have to stay together. My dh was useless after my first dc, but not abusive like yours has been (shouting and banging about, expecting you to put together the crib). Even so, it has soured our relationship a little, as i will never be able to forgive him for how he behaved in the early days (first year, really). It certainly took him a long time to grow up and realise life was different now. Dc are older now and he is a much better father now - i think he was just completely out of his depth when they were babies...but he never made any effort to learn (or so it seemed to me).
So, i suppose what i'm saying is, if he is just taking time to adjust, perhaps stick with it for a while, but insist he steps up. However, if he tips over into abusive behaviour, do not allow him to stay around to abuse you and spoil your early memories of this amazing time with your new baby.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Unless he’s also friends with a bunch of idiots, everyone think he’s a prize prick for complaining about you telling him to shut up. What a joke! It is entirely normal to speak like this in labour, as is telling your oh they are x expletive or you hate them for getting you pregnant.

He obviously sounds totally invested in himself to the exclusion of all others. I think you have reached several points of no return in your relationship. One of them being the violent tantrum when he hadn’t set up the crib and expecting an exhausted postpartum woman to do it. That is contemptuous, abusive and beyond vile.

I understand you didn’t have the energy to chuck him out there and then. Do you now?

[AnoukSpirit]

So much domestic abuse starts during pregnancy, this could well be the start of something bigger.

I'm sorry Op, but the recent behaviour falls into abuse not "difficulty adjusting". It's coming out now because he thinks he has total control of you now that the baby is here. It is not acceptable and not normal, and not how you treat somebody you love.

I'm glad you've got your mum's support.

What you do next has to be your decision, but be aware that men who behave like this only get worse. They believe they're entitled to behave this way.

If you need or want to speak to somebody neutral you can speak to Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. And yes it absolutely is bad enough for you to call them if you want advice or support.

You may also find the Freedom Programme helpful in deciding where you go from here: //www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Putting your and your baby's needs first isn't selfish, it's healthy and sensible. Somebody has to, and it clearly won't come from your husband.

[LizzieSiddal]

Meant to add his behaviour will get worse. Do you want your child growing up in a home with this idiot living there?

[LizzieSiddal]

Your H needs to leave. You cannot have someone in the house who is being so volitile around any child but especially a baby.

He sounds like a lazy narsasist.
Seriously tell him to go.

[deepsea]

Congratulations - your little baby is here!

I thought he would come through, once the baby was here and he could see how hard labour can be. How awful that he is not enjoying his new baby or being a father, or helping one bit. Did he want the baby in the first place? He sounds resentful is the reason I ask.

I too, think you may have some decisions to make at some point in the future. Keep your mum there for support for as long as possible. Is your SIL supportive? And others?

[rubyjude]

Massive congratulations on the birth of your baby!

Massive commiserations on the ongoing immature twat that is your husband. Seriously, what a child.

[lapenguin]

He needs to Man the hell up!
Yes having a baby is stressful on both sides, but that doesn't mean you can act like a giant man baby the whole time.
Has he done anything good since baby was born? I wouldn't count the flowers as good seeing as he had to be told off about it.
Also does he not know lots of men get sworn at and told to shut up during labour?
We are in a hell of a lot of pain and some twat waffling on as if they've suddenly qualified as a midwife is judt irritating.
I apparently bit my DP during labour, amongst other things (I don't remember much at all) and he just says that he doesn't care because he saw me get ripped apart down there, trying to get our ds out safely! I'm sure he would have preferred to have just been told to stfu...
Does your dh want to be a dh and df at all anymore? He sure doesn't act like it. Do you even want him around anymore?
Let us know how it goes, hopefully someone slaps him round the face and let's him know what's what 😤

Congratulations on baby :)

[Flightbite]

Firstly congratulations! A new life how wonderful.

As for OH you'll never get over the fact he has marred what should be one of the happiest times of your life. Also he wasn't there when you needed him, you told him to shut up during labour? I told mine I hated him because he was driving over speed bumps in the hospital grounds (no other choice) and at that time my mind was so confused with the pain I meant it! Clearly as soon as baby arrived I didn't hate him. Did he tell others about it? No he said I was brilliant and wonderful and managed fantastically, as should your DH!

I would actually be asking him to leave if he's going to be no good in these early days. Kicking and shouting with a new baby in the house .....no sorry not acceptable. If he happened to be doing this on a midwife visit I'm not sure that the child wouldn't be put on the at risk register?

As for the PP up thread saying "oh poor man, make home feel wanted and needed" he's not a three year old with jealousy issues he's the father and should be acting like a grown up!

[TeacupTattoo]

Huge congratulations on your wonderful baby. I'm really sorry you're experiencing this at what should be a beautiful time for both of you getting to know your child. This is not acceptable behaviour; whether he is stressed or not he is a grown adult and I sadly feel you are experiencing how unpleasant and selfish he actually is. Please think long and hard about staying with him...you can do this, and you have the support of what sounds like a caring Mum...don't keep hoping he will turn into somebody else - he thinks this is ok!! Do you want your baby growing up seeing this as normal, as good? You sound like such a strong and loyal woman - don't let him use you. You have a right to feel safe, loved, valued, your baby protected and adored.

[PerfectPenquins]

From personal experience he is unlikely to change-not unheard of but unlikely. I would get rid now rather than years wasted down the line. I finally gave up after 10 years and it took his infidelity to really give me that kick up the arse to wake up to his pathetic behaviour. Congratulations on your baby please utilise your mother and look after yourself

[timeisnotaline]

He is rebelling blah fucking blah.
Op, your priority is your baby and your recovery. Would it actually be easier without him? If so, ask him to leave. You can talk things through later but he isn’t what matters right now, much as he would like to be centre of attention.

[MMmomDD]

How old are you - and your H?
He does sound like he is having a really hard time adjusting to the new order of things - and, most likely feels threatened. Like he isn’t important any more. And the baby bacame the center of this new universe. So - he is rebelling.

It’s understandable but extremely immature.
Many men feel shaken by a birth of a child. Many feel that at the beginning - they can’t do anything and are useless in the process.
More mature ones, or (possibly) more evolved ones realise that things won’t always be that way. The centrality of the baby in the family is extreme in the early years, and then as they grow up a bit - things change again.
His job for now it to help you get through this time.

Good luck OP. Seems like you are in a tough phase of your life. First year with a baby is hard, and is a huge life-style change. Also can our a strain on a relationship.
Hope he shakes it off before it’s too late.

[BumpInTheOven]

Have my first LTB... what a complete and utter twat...
I'm so sorry he's behaving like this... it is not what you need or deserve.. having a baby is hard enough... adding a pathetic man child makes things even harder...

You have my sympathies xx 💐

[Cindie943811A]

OP he’s pretty useless atm so try to turn off and disregard his behaviour and focus on your amazing baby. You and your DC plus perhaps your DM are all that matters in these first few weeks.
You will have plenty of time to sort him later.
Congratulations and a good luck for the future.

[ohfourfoxache]

First things first, huge congratulations on your little bundle

What a cunt

Long term, would you consider either your mum staying here, or goes to live with her?

If you haven’t registered baby yet you may not even have to put him on the birth certificate?

[Sausagerollers]

Tell him that you can't have his unsupportive, lazy arse around any more. It's not good for you or the baby he's refusing to parent.

Get him to leave for a week or so & give yourself a chance to settle in with the baby & time to think about if you really want to be with him - he sounds like a complete dick.

[DownTownAbbey]

Thank heavens for your DM. My exH proved his worthlessness in the days after DS was born. I hope your DH gets a fucking grip pronto. Sounds like you have your head screwed on

[BewareOfDragons]

Congratulations on your new baby.

I would think long and hard about the man-child. This isn't normal behaviour and attitude of a new father. You and the baby deserve so much better ...