Would you ever tell them you want them back?

[arghihatethis]

I moved on, didn't work out. He was devastated but eventually has found someone and things are getting serious.

I've now realised I still love him.

We're married with DC.

Would you ever tell him? Or just stay quiet?

[Pandora79]

I think it would be really shitty of you to do this. And could backfire spectacularly.

It seems you dated and had fun. Nothing has worked out long term for you. He took longer to get there and now he seems happy you want to throw a spanner in the works and try to get him back. It's like you had fun, but want what you can't have.

It could end up with him telling you he doesn't want you, it damaging your coparenting and put strain on his relationship.

It could end up with you getting back together. But you will almost certainly split again.

Leave him alone and let him be happy.

[m0vinf0rward]

Stop messing with the poor guys head and leave it alone. He's happy now so why do you think you want to mess things up for him?

[Nellia]

You are still legally married so just ask him if he has any doubts about formalising it and see where the conversation goes.
Just be certain you know what you want and how you will cope with dignity if it doesnt go your way.

[Bluesue26]

I read about this study once. It involved 2 cookie jars and where one was filled with cookies and the other jar only had a few in it. People were encouraged to help themselves to them. Most people went to the jar that had the least cookies in because they assumed that they were the better tasting ones - even though they were exactly the same. My point is that we assume that someone or something is more desirable because others want it when the truth is it's the same as it's always been. It sends us into a bit of a panic and makes us question our feelings. I've been there. I've split with partners then the minute I've heard about them being with someone else it makes me doubt my decision. Leave him to get on with things.

[Myheartbelongsto]

So you left had your fun and it didn't work out and now you want him back.

Leave him alone. If he wanted you he would let you know surely.

You sound a bit selfish to be honest.

[RussianBluee]

Youre still married. Yes tell him.

[SandyY2K]

Someone famous once said a sure way of getting your wife's attention, is showing interest in another woman.

[MeMyShelfandIkea]

I'd say your feelings are almost certainly because he has someone else now. You would have had a script in your head about how your separation would pan out - you'd split up, you'd find peace/contentment possibly with someone else), he'd probably find someone else too but by then you'll be strong enough/happy enough to be okay about it, and you all live your lives safe in the knowledge that your decision to separate was best for everyone. He's unknowingly thrown a spanner in the works by moving on before you're emotionally ready for it (because clearly you were okay about it only whilst you assumed they would split up soon).

Btw I'm not saying any of this "script" was conscious/premeditated on your part, you just would have envisioned a particular future for yourselves when you took the decision to separate and it's unsettling when things pan out according to somebody else's timetable. It's also scary to suddenly realise the decision be apart is no longer owned entirely by you (not that it ever was really, but it would have felt that way all the time you knew he wanted to reconcile).

It sounds like you had very good reasons for separating from him and nothing else has changed other than his new relationship. Remember you're also seeing their honeymoon phase. He'll probably revert to type if you got back with him.

[another20]

How have you parented and cooperated in the year you have been apart? Has it been respectful or was it difficult?

That will tell you if you have a chance of working it out.

[Cricrichan]

You may always have loved him but you decided to split for a reason. It must have been quite bad if you split when you have DC together. It's easy when you've been apart for a while to forget all the bad things and only see th it good points because you're not having to put up with it every day.

Were your requests unreasonable? If they weren't then he didn't love you enough to make an effort.

[YetAnotherUser]

Good grief no, you only want him back because you had him first and can't have him now.

Don't do it, for all your sakes.

[SandyY2K]

What would change if you got back together? He wasn't putting any effort it. You hated him. Now he has someone else...You want him back.

[Tenpenny]

No, if you really wanted to be with him you'd have never left. This is just a reaction to seeing him with someone else.

[arghihatethis]

@toffeeapple123 them maybe 6-7 months or so. My realisation is maybe about 3 months old. I suppose I thought they'd split up around that time and began thinking of him as likely to be available soon

[toffeeapple123]

How long has he been seeing this new woman?

And how long have you been feeling this way about him?

[MotherisourSlave]

No, in your shoes I wouldn’t. You split up because things weren’t right, unless you have both had a personality transplant the relationship will end up back where it was. It’s not fair on the children either to be yo-yoing between being separated and together. You need to let go, grieve for the marriage you wish you’d had, find out who you are without him and in time you’ll be ready to move on to another relationship.

[CocoAndTheChocolates]

Not until he's single if that ever happens

[arghihatethis]

@Anonymoususer1938 over a year now

[arghihatethis]

@MMmomDD I really have no idea if there's any chance and I agree chances don't look rosy. Torn between thinking tbh it may just be ammunition to throw at me if he really has got over me and is happy and between thinking if he knew he had any chance he might bite my hand off for it

And whether it's fair to do anything at all. I expected them to split up all on their own by now and they haven't yet. If she's going to be a part of DC lives pissing her off by telling him now might be a terrible idea

[MMmomDD]

OP - if you are still married and have kids - and there is still any hope of saving it - i’ll say, go for it.

Chances that it will work aren’t great. However, 9 years is a long history, and kids are enough of a reason to try.

[arghihatethis]

Together 9 years

[arghihatethis]

@TitZillas arguments, stress, illness, tbh I hated him when I chose to leave. I knew he still wanted me but he was an absolute dick.

But I also know I wasn't putting any effort in then and think had I done so things may have been better

[toffeeapple123]

How long were you together? Why did you break up?

[arghihatethis]

@SchnitzelVonKrumm no. We separated, I dated during the separation before he began dating