Stop me from being a needy freak!

[MozzchopsThirty]

Just need a MN slap round the face!

Been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks, get on really well, sex is great.
We were together Friday night and have arranged to see each other Wednesday when we are next child free.

He's messaged a few times a day over the weekend. Nothing last night then this morning he text and said so sorry about last night, I wasn't feeling great and went to bed.

So due to my own issues I'm now totally overthinking it, has he gone off me, is he sleeping with someone else, did I do something wrong? 🙄

I need to woman up and just play it cool

Slap required

[meowimacat]

Have you arranged another date yet?

The guy I'm seeing now cancelled one of our dates early on, but we've continued seeing each other. Clearly he's ill, and he must like you to keep messaging you - all about the actions and effort over words and how often you chat x

[MozzchopsThirty]

Thank you, it's all good, he's messaged quite a bit today and we've had a laugh

I'm feeling fine about it, no bad feeling today, I'm surprisingly chilled

[Overheremandarin]

I hope it goes well OP.

Sorry to hear your date’s cancelled. If he doesn’t arrange another one, it’s absolutely not you who’s done anything wrong, and the uneasiness you felt was absolutely justified.

[TashieWoo]

I hope your counselling appointment goes well Mozzchops.

I’m meant to have a date with him tonight, probably just a quick dinner/drinks due to work and other commitments. Feeling a bit nervous, after a fun night last Friday where we both drunk far too much and ended up in a hotel room (a bit far gone to do much ) I feel a bit mortified. We shall see!

[MozzchopsThirty]

Seeing counsellor tomorrow now 👍🏻

We've cancelled our date due to him being ill since Sunday. He said 'I'd really like it if I could get the chance to see you again once I'm better'
So who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️ it is what it is

[Overheremandarin]

Ahhh then ignore me OP, I'm sure you are just overthinking it and there's nothing to worry about

[MozzchopsThirty]

The level of communication hasn't changed at all
He still messages a few times a day

Have text counsellor for urgent appointment

[Overheremandarin]

OP it's an awful feeling, that anxiety that something's wrong. I'm sure that he did just fall asleep, but just be wary that you're not ignoring your instincts. I've seen so many of my friends (and me) absolutely realise that the man is cooling things down, and for some inexplicable reason blowing hot and cold and when you ask about it they reassure you they'd gone to bed/were having a down day/were busy at work and there's nothing to worry about, when your instincts are alerting you something's subtly changed, but you try and convince yourself you're being silly while the anxiety gets worse and they keep messing you about until they finally tell you your initial fears were true.

I'll never understand why men do that instead of being honest the first time they're asked if everything's alright.

I always think listen to your instincts. It isn't that he went to bed and didn't text, it's that the level of communication changed without warning and some instinct is making you uneasy.

[LesisMiserable]

It worked for me because in my last relationship I was a bit needy - or maybe swinging between needy and "I dont need a man!!!" at alarming speed - all brought on by my insecurities of course.

When I met my now DH on Tinder I resolved to just be chilled - not play at being chilled - but actually calm down and be relaxed and let it flow. At the end of the day, if it's meant to be and the timing is right it will be - but you as an individual can help or hinder it too so I decided to help 'it' and me by staying rational. And well, here we are

[MozzchopsThirty]

That's great advice thank you, no I absolutely wouldn't expect that from a female friend so that's a good way to look at it 😊

[LesisMiserable]

You could marry this guy and be with him 40 years and he could still up and leave you at any time, as could you, him.

People are fallible - we expect them to never change (unless we want them to of course), yet everything in life is subject to change.

So nothing is in stone. So make hay while the sunshines and chill the f*ck out. That's my advice. And treat him with the same respect and space that you would a new female friend. Would you panic if they didn't text you for a few days? Nope of course you wouldn't. Relationships are built not born.

[MozzchopsThirty]

Attila any help with pointers for dealing with this now?
How I can stop feeling this way? This constant fear of rejection? This need to feel loved?

I would really love to be enjoying this time for what it is, fun!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Thought so re the narcissistic family of origin; it was this that drew you into being previously lovebombed.

Please get some decent therapy re both the lovebombing and the wider issue of growing up within such a dysfunctional family of origin. They taught you a lot of damaging lessons on relationships which you have repeated to this day. Your own boundaries in relationships seem to be still off beam here.

Seriously consider seeing that counsellor again particularly if you found that person helpful last time around.

Love your own self for a change Mozzchops and do not date further until you have addressed these issues properly. Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied.

[Viviennemary]

If he was cooling off then he wouldn't bother texting you. I think you should take it a bit more evenly. It's easier said than done though I agree. Two weeks is really early days. Don't be too needy. that's a huge mistake. Watch that film He's not that into You. It's really amusing and so true.

[MozzchopsThirty]

My mother is a hideous narcissist and I am virtually NC with her

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Lovebombing often takes place during whirlwind romances and is often done by narcissists and sociopaths. They do the idealise, devalue, discard behaviours all too well. Such people thrive on drama and they do not care what form it takes.

These stages may not just happen once, the cycle can go round and round on repeat until either the abuser becomes bored or until the one who is the target sees through it. Unfortunately, it is such a dizzying experience it can take a little while to grasp the reality of what is actually taking place.

This concept is known as love bombing due to the bombardment of actions that may appear very similar to “love” but that are extremely overwhelming and deliberately perpetrated. So much so that the bombing can effectively sweep people off their feet and cause high levels of infatuation, as the target is unaware that it is a manipulative means to gain attention.

The approach does not give the person being bombed time to think straight or to assess whether the bomber is genuine or not as the relationship moves through the stages at full speed.
Love bombing is initially carried out through excessive phone calls, text messages, emails, the constant desire to be in close contact whether virtual or physical and the desire to be connected almost every moment of every day.

Those who fall victim to love bombing may be at a vulnerable stage in their life and the love bomber swoops in and naturally seems to fill all the voids. They play close attention to painful emotional wounds, weaknesses and insecurities and will tell their target everything they want to hear and they often express dramatic displays of affection. However, anyone can be taken advantage of and can become a victim, so it is always best to be on guard.

Did you yourself grow up within a narcissistic family structure?.

[MozzchopsThirty]

Yes I've done the freedom programme
Didn't help me with the lovebomber
I just though he was lovely and totally open with his emotions

[hellsbellsmelons]

If you've had abusive relationships in the past, did you do the Freedom Programme?
Please do it if not.
It will give you much more confidence in your relationships with spotting red flags, boundaries, self esteem etc.....

[MozzchopsThirty]

I haven't been intense with him at all so how can it be off putting
All this anxiety is in my head, I'm not telling him how I feel
But thanks for making me feel a bit more shitty than I already do

[BatFaceGal]

Not idea where the random aggressively came from

[BatFaceGal]

This is all madness. How OTT can you get? I’d be slowly backing away from this level of intensity if I was him so you do need to maybe find a hobby or distraction so he doesn’t pick up on your neediness. Try and aggressively it elsewhere, it’s a very off putting quality

[MozzchopsThirty]

Tashiewoo I think the lovebombing has really affected me.
I've been in some really shitty abusive relationships but that really confused and upset me!
I think I may consider seeing my counsellor haven't been for a year but feel it might be necessary this time

[Trills]

I agree OrangeCrush - I felt that apologising for not texting for half a day was a bit much. But clearly they are both a bit much for us, so maybe they'll make a good pair!

[Hahbah6]

Anxiety is a horrible feeling. I suffer dreadfully. Feel like my chest is going to explode at any time. Mess help a bit but my whole life is ruined by it. You have my sympathy

[userxx]

Stop stressing, live in the moment and just enjoy it. Really need to start listening to my own advice 😉