Partner left with 11 day old baby

[Hcs2275]

Hi All,
I do so hope you can help and advise me on this forum as I am totally lost right now. I have been with my partner for 3 years. She has a 10 year old boy with her ex husband, and I have 3 boys with my previous female partner. My partner gave birth to our daughter on 17th November. A child that she had been desperate for, and if I'm honest, my feelings were not the same. I am 9 years older, my 3 boys are all at school now, and I would not have had anymore children if my partner had not wanted to.
Just to give you a bit of background, my partner is a VERY affected ACOA

loveandlifetoolbox.com/being-in-a-relationship-with-an-adult-child-of-an-alcoholic/

Hope this link helps in explaining what that does to a person in their relationships. Our relationship has been a real rollercoaster! One that I have ended many times in the first 18 months due to the way I was treated. But i kept seeing the wonderful parts of my partner, and hoping she would change.
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say there has been emotional abuse. Over the last 3 years I have been punished for not earning enough money, having a wonderful loving family, having a very healthy parenting relationship with my ex, not loving her enough, constantly being tested, and my children being criticised, stupidly resulting in me changing things I do as a Mum to them. My partner never supported me with my children and always saw us as HER son and MY boys. I could never do enough! It was like she sabotaged anything that was normal and calm and healthy, by creating a HUGE row, or demanding even more from me. Something I now know to be a very common trait of an ACOA. In between these times, she was loving and affectionate and made me feel a million dollars.

Prior to the birth of our daughter, we had agreed to do combined feeding. I had done this with all my children as I am only Bio Mum to 2. It was SO important to me to be involved in every aspect of my daughters care, and my partner knew this and agreed. 3 weeks before she was born, she suddenly told me she was now going to exclusively breast feed and there was nothing I could do to change her mind. This hurt me a lot, and I tried to come to terms with it, but it caused me a lot of anxiety and arguments. SO our daughter arrived 2 weeks early and it was so special, but within 24 hours my partner took complete ownership of that little girl! She wouldn't let me do anything with her, take her for a walk, bath her, let the boys near her, and of course I just had to watch while she held her and fed her and bonded. I felt wretched. Then she took to the bed with the baby, and left me looking after the other 4 boys, the dogs etc etc etc. I felt like I didn't have a daughter, but nothing I said, and none of my tears, would make her change her behaviours.
And then a week ago, after a row about me wanting to take the baby for a walk, and not being allowed, I left the house for 4 hours, and got a text message saying she had left. Thankfully I left my boys with a friend and went home to find my house turned upside down, and an empty nursery, and my partner and baby gone!

She has returned to her old home 2 hours away that was on the market to sell. She has been in touch over the last couple of days, full of remorse, begging to come home, begging for me to be a Mum to our daughter. She is full of apologies, and apparently has had a light bulb moment and knows exactly how to fix things re her behaviour.
She has apparently told the 'friends' who came to get her, to get out of her life, and told her alcoholic and homophobic and violent parents, and her homophobic, bullying sister, that she never wants to see them again. She says she hates her home city, hates her house, and misses the noise and mess of our home with my 3 boys - all the things she moaned to me about for so long.

I am so confused right now about what to do. I do still love her, but i don't trust her, and feel that her issues are so deep rooted, that no amount of therapy is going to change things overnight.
I feel so protective of my boys. They had their sister taken from them, my partner and her son, and are very confused and angry that they never even got to say goodbye. I cannot put them at risk again.
I have put my house back together and made it my own again, and to desperately try to find something positive out of this for my boys, they decided to have their own rooms again, and we have spent time making them nice again.

Aside from my feelings for my partner, there of course is a little baby girl mixed up in all this. A baby who I have not bonded with, who I don't really know, and I am not sobbing for every minute, like I know I would be if one of my boys was taken away from me. And I cannot bare the thought of trying to be a Mum from 2 hours away. It's just not the way it was supposed to be.
I co parent with my ex partner 50/50 and we live 20 minutes apart. It's been a tough ride, but we do a great job, parent well together, and have 3 very happy and confident boys.
My head is all over the place right now, flitting between taking my partner back tomorrow, or never seeing her and my daughter again, and every other feeling and solution in between.

Please please shed a bit of light!

[Rainatnight]

I know from experience that co-mothering is hard. I hate to say it, and obviously it can and does work, but two people wanting to be mum creates an element of competition. You have to work very hard at it to make it work. And it doesn't sound like it's working in your set up or that she (and to an extent you) have the emotional wherewithal to make it work.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

This part of the OP rings alarm bells for me:

" Over the last 3 years I have been punished for not earning enough money, having a wonderful loving family, having a very healthy parenting relationship with my ex, not loving her enough, constantly being tested, and my children being criticised, stupidly resulting in me changing things I do as a Mum to them. "

This is how people in the wrong turn things around on their OH. There's so much vagueness here and a narcissistic streak potentially.
"Punished" how? Punished as in she broke down over not having had a wonderful, loving family or needed some space to deal with her head or said something a bit unkind? How were you punished for not earning enough money? Are you viewing all critique as punishment?

What's "being tested" mean? Again, we've got no context here. sometimes people do this in an abusive way, sure, but other times people "test" others because they have some reason to mistrust them, or something is perceived as a test by the testee that wasn't intended that way by the supposed tester. This is all so vague and hand-wavey that it rings the bell for not being very introspective about how this situation might have seemed for her.

This is something a lot of people do when they have narcissistic injury: believing that something that's actually about their partner and is them expressing their innermost feelings of fear, doubt, or worry is actually a punishment with the intent of hurting them. It recasts the reason for everything as the effect it has on one partner, rather than the intent with which it was said. I had a narc ex who claimed I was "punishing" him any time I didn't feel like having sex with him because he was too drunk to be attractive, for instance.

[MiniTheMinx]

Did she trash the house, or just leave it a bit untidy because she was packing stuff?

I would be inclined to leave things as they are. She has pushed you away, then moved back where her own family are and told them she hates them. She sounds mentally very unstable. I would concentrate on your boys. This baby is hers, not yours. The fact that she is so far away might be a positive rather than a negative. She will no doubt be fine, probably eventuality coming under the radar of SS. Not your problem.

[chiaseeddisapointmentagain]

Let her go with her baby.

[roundaboutthetown]

It sounds like a toxic relationship. I would say you are far better off without each other, tbh.

[Bedtimebunny]

Another one who agrees with math.

You are trying to make this all about you. It isn't. Crying and challenging her for wanting to breastfeed is ridiculous behaviour. Imagine if a man behaved like this when his wife had just given birth? He would be skinned alive on here.

She has just given birth, the last thing she needs is her partner creating drama because they feel left out. Again, it isn't about you.

[123bananas]

I agree with math. I ebf all 3 of mine. DH formed a relationship by cuddling them when not feeding. I was very uncomfortable when he took them out even to the local shop in the newborn stage.

If you are going to try to live as a family again can I suggest you read and watch some of the videos on this site to help you understand the significance of breastfeeding for baby and mum.

Btw 2 weeks early is a full term baby not premature babies born after 37 weeks are considered full term.

[mathanxiety]

WombOfOnesOwn, I agree with everything you posted. I had a narc ex too. There were a lot of bells ringing for me in the OP's account.

[TammySwansonTwo]

Agree with the others - you literally said that crying didn't work. That's not good.

[chiaseeddisapointmentagain]

You are manipulative and controlling. I'm glad she left you.

[Maelstrop]

Seriously? Imagine if a dad came on here complaining that his wife was exclusively breastfeeding and saying he wanted to mix feed? There'd be an outcry. I think you're wrong, OP, badly.

[magoria]

The feeding is only the tip of the iceberg. This sounds like a disfunctional relationship from the start.

I don't think you should get back together right now maybe not ever.

The 5 DC in the middle of this need some stability not more upset.

They don't have a choice so you have to do the right thing and not subject them to the confusion of a partner tooing and froing.

It is not fair for it to be a them and us situation in their own home.

Put them first. You can still be a good parent to the new baby without being in a relationship.

[Dollius01]

I agree with Math too. I would also have left if my husband had refused to let me breast feed or tried to take a newborn baby away from me for any period of time. He took care of the older ones when I was post partum with the younger, that's normal! He managed to bond with all three. I am also a child of alcoholics and I manage to have normal relationships.

[newdaylight]

nothing I said, and none of my tears, would make her change her behaviours.

Because she breastfed, wanted OP to look after the 4 other children and pets, and didn't want OP to take the baby out for walks WITHIN 24 HOURS OF BIRTH TO A 2 WEEK EARLY BABY!!

the post is full of warning signs like this. Just read between the lines and imagine how the OP was actually talking to and treating her partner