DH doesn't understand sacrifices

[Leslieknope123]

Me and my husband have had a lovely marriage of 3 years (together 5). We have a 5 month old little baby and obviously it has shaken things up! I'm very lucky to not have to work at the moment as we can afford rent from my DH salary. But before the baby was born i was extremely career driven, working abroad and long hours self employed .

I love my baby and im very aware i can no longer do a job with such crazy hours/travel (especially as our baby has needed to go to the hospital often and exclusive breastfed / trying to bottle expressed milk). I know eventually I csn go back to something resembling my job but it was such a big part of me that i know i must give up ... I also havent seem anyone friend wise in months because hospital baby means I cannot go too far from home (many friends are too far for baby to go) and my body (can't go to the gym because he won't be on his own with her see bellow )

My problem at the moment is that my husband just doesn't understand how much of me as a person I'm giving up for the baby. He works hard at work to provide for us but the minute I ask him to do something for the baby that means he gives up something he gets really pissed off. I am very understanding that he's tired and Greatful for how hard he works but he's the same.with even the tiniest things.

For example: he gets really huffy about holding her if I want a 3 minute shower in the evening after her screaming all day. Because he wants to relax and have a quiet evening
Bigger example: he refuses to spend time on his own with her because he want s to relax in his spare time. Hs fine when I'm. Around but I have to be there...

Any advice on how to approach him about this how I'm feeling without sounding like I'm. Constantly nagging or that I don't appreciate him? XxxX

[JapaneseTea]

Op have a read of the ‘successful dp becoming an insufferable arse’ thread to see where this ends up. Put your career first, no one else will.

[WhatWouldGenghisDo]

There was a point after the birth of dc2 where i said to my DP

1. you're an adult, you don't need me to explain this to you
   
   
2. I have 2 children, I don't want 3. If you insist on being treated like a child you can go and do it somewhere else
   
   
3. please be aware that as things stand separating and sharing residence would make my life a lot easier and yours a lot harder
   
   He thought it over and stepped up. Now I don't have to nag, his relationships with all 3 of us are much better and he is much happier for it. It's a gamble, but for me either outcome would have been an improvement on being consistently exploited by someone who was supposed to love me

[Davespecifico]

He's shown you his true colours and you can argue with him till you're blue in the face, but if his position now is that he needs his downtime, he doesn't sound to me like a man who could even come close to seeing reason.

Honestly. he won't listen and he won't change his mind. You'll go from constant nagging resentment to pathetic gratefulness for the things he does do.

I think every solution to this problem will be suboptimal - nagging him, not nagging him, leaving him. All have their up and down side.

[TammySwansonTwo]

I love my DH dearly and in many ways he's wonderful but we've had a lot of arguments about things like this in the first year of our twins' life.

Our boys were prem - one was only in for 17 days then came home, but the other has a rare illness and was in for two months. Within a week of coming home he became ill again and ended up in HDU with whooping cough. I had to stay with him for almost 2 weeks while my husband had to stay at home with the other - the whole incident was horrendous but it meant he knew from the outset how hard it was to look after a baby alone.

You probably didn't know what you were doing at first and probably weren't comfortable but you didn't have the option to make sure someone else was always around. You had to figure it out. He has to do the same. He also has to learn that you both work hard all day, and you both need time to wind down.

Most of the arguments we've had have been around the fact that he says if I need help I should ask which makes everything my responsibility. I've told him i need him to be more proactive and that I'm no more aware of what needs to be done than he is, so he should just do it.

Don't let yours get away with it - he can't have the same life he had before, you don't either.

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Does a lot more than 'most dads' oh god it's my exh but this buffoon actually sounds worse.

[frenchknitting]

Not defending him, but I think it is very difficult for dads when a breastfed baby refuses a bottle. It's easy to fall in to the trap of assuming that the only solution to any problem is to apply a boob. I.e. no matter how much they want to help, they just don't have the tools for the job.

Obviously, that's bollocks. But it's true often enough that it's hard to change the assumption.

You are nearly at the weaning stage. My advice would be to make sure you heavily involve him, so that he is as comfortable feeding the baby as you are.

[Codlet]

Have you asked him when you get your down time??

[Quartz2208]

The thing is you either have the (wrong) perspective that looking after the baby is downtime and therefore he can look after her or he is basically saying you don’t deserve downtime

You need at least some time off

[springydaffs]

He sounds like a thug. He = man, woman = baby. It's not his job to look after a baby! He's a man, men don't do that stuff. According to him

[DadDadDad]

From OP: he wants to relax and have a quiet evening - hah!

He seems to be keen to compare with other dads, so I could give my experience. Our DS was premature and in hospital for a long time. I have a clear memory of lying on a makeshift bed next to him in hospital, feeling worried for DS of course, but also utterly miserable about the pre-child life that we lost - things like carefree holidays. But I didn't spend much time focussing on feeling sorry for myself, because my wife's and my son's well-being came first. It was absolutely shattering time physically and emotionally, but of course I just sucked up the sacrifice of not being able to relax and have a quiet life, because I was trying not to be a selfish idiot.

Oh, and throughout all the above, I kept doing my full-time job, and tried not to be too much of an arse about feeling tired. (We were both tired).

Even without hospital visits, a new father should be thinking: "right, I'm not going to get much rest for the next few months years, I don't expect to relax much", not "better put all my hobby nights in the calendar, so DW knows when she'll be on her own".

[SleepingStandingUp]

And mine is having our o2 depednant , tube fed, ants in his pants so he never sits still, doesn't sleep through, non verbal toddler all weekend so I can go and see friends and meet my friends baby. He's brill but he's soy brill not extraordinary because being able to tale care of his child is part of his job as Daddy and supporting me is part of his job as Husband. So don't let him get away with the oh I do sooooooo much more than a shit dad would

[WhatWouldGenghisDo]

It's really simple. You should have equal time off. So if he goes and does his hobby for 2 hours one evening, that's 2 hours he needs to take the baby (alone) so you can have a break. How can he possibly argue that that's unfair?

As for 'I do more than most dads' I know a lot of dads but not a single one who wouldn't take baby for 3 minutes so mum could have a shower! I pretty much handed mine over to DP when he got in every evening when they were tiny!

[RagingFemininist]

Yep he ishad fallen back to the 1950 like most of the men I know once they’ve become a father.
Even worse because you gave a baby that needs specific attention and ne CLEARLY can’t know what to do.

You need to leave him in his own with his own dc.
There is no moan8ng about having to give up some of ‘his’ time.
No ‘I don’t k ow what to do. I feel so unsure of myself’ I’m sure he is confident enough at work and he will have to LEARN, just like you did. But he isn’t going to learn if you are do)no everything for him or are there to pick up the pieces if it goes a little bit harder (it stops him from finding solutions that work for HIM)

Maybe start with talking about sharing the work 50/50 when he is at home. Rest for him but also rest for you when the evening or the weekends come.
Give him him dc to look afetr in the evening, bed time, feed8ng etc... (I assume baby has started solids?)
Go out for an hour during the weekend - your time. Why is it ok for him to have time for himself but not you?
Look at who is calling dinner, wash8ng up, does the shopping?
Find things that he has full responsibility for. H is doing the ironing for example whilst I do the (internet) food shop for the week.
And do NOT go and help him. Sounds very uncaring but my experience that, as soon as you starts giving them a hand, whatever they were doing becomes yours again :(:(

Oh and please remind him that you looking after a baby IS work. If you were working/notbthere, he would have to pay someone to do it an that would be very costly.
Some on another thread said it was highlighted when they went to get some life insurrance with their DH. Their DH was shocked to learn that his policy was much lower than his wife vaches, actually, all the work she was doing in the house and would need to be done if she wasn’t there wouodwould come with a very high price tag.
I thought this was a very good lesson/way to put a price tag (ie value) to what you are doing.

[SleepingStandingUp]

You want your time off to be down time too but unless he steps up you aren't allowed tine off.

If he is saying fiat ask then do it. Tell him you are going out half day over the weekend. He can have the same time off alone. The rest is home to.e family time no one gets any peace time

[Lweji]

What about your own down time from the baby?

You also need it.

You can point out to him that if you don't think he's being fair on you, he could end up with his own every other weekend alone with the baby. Would he prefer that?

[Leslieknope123]

Thanks again everyone. Chatted to him about it and it ended up.an argument. Because if I need it I should be the one asking sbd reminding him ... god forbid he suggest it. Saying he does alot more for the baby than most dad's which yes, he does his share but I think lots of dad's do... apparently he has no alone time (even though he always asks if id be okay for him to do his hobby which 4/5 times I'll say yes) and I get I'm here alot but I don't think he gets that he can step away for a fag outside and be away frim people and baby.. but I could never do something like that on my own!

I get that he's tired from work (he works for a building company so very physical ) but he just doesn't get it... I tried... hopefully if I. Make him be alone with her this weekend hell see what it's like but j mentioned it and he said j was having a go at him ! ... he's usually been so kind and understanding. I just don't know what's up with him at the moment.. I even asked if he was anxious or scared about it and he said no. He just wants his time off to be down time.

[WhatWouldGenghisDo]

OP, what everybody else said. You have to start leaving him alone with her regularly. If not for your own sake, then for the sake of his confidence as a parent and his bond with his daughter.

[SleepingStandingUp]

How old is she?

Is there any extra care needs around her health? You said she was in hospital alot.

Depending on how often she feeds - feed her, hand her over to Daddy and then pop out. Even just to the corner shop. Oh dear we need milk, I'll go - and be coat on and out before he can argue.

[happypoobum]

I am so disappointed this thread isn't about sacrificial goats or vestal virgins.

Anyway, he sounds pathetic. He needs to start parenting like an adult. How old is he? 12?

[mindutopia]

I think you need to put him in situations where he has to learn to get comfortable doing the parenting. Don't ask, tell him when you need him to be with her. Make plans (lunch out or a massage or whatever, eventually you could go do a day of training or a workshop or something related to your career, etc.) and tell him and get everything ready he needs, hand him the baby and go. He WILL figure it out. He just has to be put in a situation where he is forced to. Ultimately, it will increase his confidence and he'll enjoy being a parent more. My dh wore our dd in a wrap every evening from when he got home from work until bedtime. It helped tremendously that they had that sort of bonding time that didn't take a lot of effort or expertise. By the time it got to where I was leaving her for a day or an overnight, he was as comfortable as I was. But you just need to create those opportunities, hand the baby off and go and not look back. He'll do just fine. Also, a few days or evenings of doing it on his own will drive home how important it is for you to have a break too.

[Leslieknope123]

Hey everyone thank you so much for all the advice. he is really helpful with changing her and stuff and he's never been self this before we had a baby ( like if I was ill he would go out to the shops really late at night to get me tablets etc.) The problem is my baby isn't taking any bottles (breastfeeding) and I can't go back to work because of the strange hours ( we both do so no one is around or no one could look after her for that long I don't feel comfortable with)
It's difficult to work it out :-( yeah I think that's part of it is that he is anxious and scared to look after her on his own..

Xxxx

[pallisers]

you need to nip this in the bud right now (although it sounds like it has gone far beyond the bud).

you are BOTH parents to this baby. You aren't a parent and he a parent assistant. You are both parents. That means both your lives change, both of you step up. etc.

I am very understanding that he's tired and Greatful for how hard he works

This really struck me. Why are you so bloody grateful that he is continuing his life as it was? Is he similarly Grateful to you for how hard you work? Why not? Stop being grateful for him being inadequate man who can work but not mind his own child and start prioritising kindness in both of you. Is he kind to you?

You have a potentially huge problem on your hands here in the future - a man who thinks all thinks child related are your problem and that problem is easy and all things earning are his problem and that problem is hard and deserving of gratitude. Stop that right now.

Also - go back to work - if there is one thing you can do now to maybe secure your own future, then go back to work. Between the two of you you can manage. Go back to work. I doubt you will though - your feelings of responsibility to your child (and your understanding that you are her only responsible parent) will make you stay out of the workplace. Some day he will shaft you for this.

Sorry to be so pessimistic. Maybe he'll have a miracle change and become a man who can deal with a baby (like you know the way countless 15 year old baby sitters can) but I doubt it.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Go back to work. If you do one thing now, go back to work it isn't always that easy with a poorly baby though is it. We spent 6 months in and put of hospital, 4 out then 4 in then 3 in and out. I won't leave him in hospital without one of us there so that would have been 12 months maternity then unpaid leave. He's 2.5 now and there's no one who has him except me and DH bar a few hours every few weeks between feeds. He nerds 121 care and I don't earn enough to pay for that. OP doesn't go into detail but clearly has a high needs baby

[SleepingStandingUp]

Having a poorly hospital baby is scary awful. Been , sitting up whilst said toddler screams. In his sleep.

However DH simply wasnt allowed to pull this crap. Once he was at the hospital I would get some air, have a shower etc. Obviously I "asked" him to watch baby etc but if he'd have said no it wouldn't have ended well. Within a day or two of being home i went to the shop and left them for an hour. I did nappy and feed so all he had to do was cuddle then 13 week old baby
He coped. He was nervous about buses etc but I pointed out that if I died, baby would still need to go places and he doesbt drive. He's 2.5 years now, I never made it back to work, DH is full time and he still has him on his own at least once a week for a few hours if I want a break. He even has him all weekend occasionally so I can volunteer.


Tell your partner that you need a break bad therefore will be having some time out at thevwekeend. He can do the same - tell him to pick half day over the weekend and you will do the same. This time make sire feeds are ready etc but only to help him out this once. Then go. Walk pit the door and drive it of reach. Unless it is a medical emergency don't come home an hour / 2 hers. If he calls, talk and reassure him its fine. Unless he is taking baby to hospital you will be back at X time. And keep doing it. Once a fortnight or once a week.

Immersion therapy x

[ivykaty44]

Go out to the shop
Go out to two shops
Go out to the shop and for a drink
Go to see a friend

Make sure you leave him with his son

Just as he leave you with baby you do the same and he will become comfortable- you did

Don’t enable him by allow it