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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you find this suspicious?

43 replies

RogerThatOver · 10/10/2017 22:39

DP and I separated several months ago. I initiated it; he's after getting back together. However, he's made no effort to see our DCs over the past few months and his lack of effort with them was one of the main reasons i left. He also was addicted to his phone and stayed out overnight a few times, claiming he was at work when it's very unlikely. His phone was password protected and internet history always wiped.

Since separating he's changed his face book and email passwords and removed photos of the DC from his phone wallpaper so now it's just plain. He's never had it plain since we met. I went to his for the first time in months over the weekend as my sister had mistakenly posted something there. He was out and when I let myself in I found that he's pretty much cleared his flat and doesn't appear to be sleeping there. He hasn't mentioned this to me. He's got to be seeing someone else, hasn't He? I'd been giving him the benefit of the doubt but the removing photos of the DC and not sleeping at his...there's no other explanation really is there?

OP posts:

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buckeejit · 11/10/2017 22:30

Tbh after that (which was a bit U), I'd follow him to where he's going then call him out on it. Tell him to stop chasing you & draw a line under your relationship. Tell him to have a good think if he wants a long term future with dc as it doesn't sound like a good way he's going about things now

RogerThatOver · 11/10/2017 22:23

Yes, actually, witches- I will tell him. I must have heard I'd never keep anything from you, I'm an open book' and so on hundreds of times over the past few months. He presumed i would be too busy with the DC to actually check on that.

To be clear- I don't want him back and his ambivalence towards the children has reinforced that. However, I also don't want him hassling me to get back together and making me out to be a bitch to his friends, family and the children for splitting the family when I'm more than justified in doing so.

OP posts:

CoyoteCafe · 11/10/2017 18:16

He is an ex for a good reason. Don't let him be more than an "ex."

Don't go over there. Don't talk to him more than you have to about the children.

Sounds like you are still coming to terms with how crazy and manipulative he is.

WitchesHatRim · 11/10/2017 13:26

I tried his email and facebook after discovering he'd been lying about still living at his flat.

Sorry but completely out of order.

As you don't like being lied to I assume you are going to tell him that you've done it?

YANBU to want him to parent his DC. YABVU to snoop and spy on him.

RogerThatOver · 11/10/2017 13:16

they've shown no interest in seeing them either.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 11/10/2017 11:03

So the parents who have a go at you... what do they say when you tell him he won't see his children?

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/10/2017 10:50

I think he is probably having a fling with someone who if they knew he had 5 kids wouldn't give him the time of day.

He only is making noises about getting back together to hand on heart show his parents what a b**ch you are in splitting the family up

ferando81 · 11/10/2017 10:31

I think it would make you unhappy to take him back.

midnightmisssuki · 11/10/2017 10:15

Hi OP - sorry youre goin through this.

YANBU to want your stbxh to parent his children - he sounds awful and it would seem he has already moved on (the flat etc) and trying to live the 'single life'

YABU to try snooping into his flat/fb/emails/phone wallpaper. This is of no concern to you anymore. YOU left him so you wanted this - you cant then be offended he has (appearingly so) moved on. Do you want him back? If not - a clean break is what is needed. Time to talk about access/maintenance and all things children etc.

I hope it gets better for your children soon.

LoverOfCake · 11/10/2017 10:06

The reason why you're being given a hard time over this is because you're snooping through his flat and trying to hack into his email and facebook even though you don't actually want to get back together with him.

He's not seeing his children which is the reason you split up in the first place. His not seeing his children is your business, if you're not interested in getting back together with him what's in his email and facebook and whether he's sleeping in his flat is none of your business.

RogerThatOver · 11/10/2017 07:52

His parents have visited him because they're concerned about him, but haven't visited the baby If he's lying as much as I suspect, they deserve to know too.

OP posts:

tombstoneteeth · 11/10/2017 07:43

Au contraire - I'm not so naive as to believe that women are always perfect and men invariably shits.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/10/2017 07:39

You initiated the separation and now seem to be determined to keep him under surveillance

No, she is unhappy that he has unilaterally abandoned 5 children and is lying about current situation. We don't know what triggered the separation but we have heard that she was effectively a single parent before the separation.

But she is a woman so lets assume she is outright lying.

KarmaNoMore · 11/10/2017 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lagerthaisfabulous · 11/10/2017 07:12

So again you know he is a shit.

He is going to lie to you. Deserving is nothing to do with it.

Going in his flat, trying to get into his facebook isnt going to change anything. You want him to move on. Yoi dont eant to get back with so all his fake begging and saddness is neither here nor there. It doesnt matter.

You wanted to end the relationship. Its ended. He really needs to step up and be a dad. But, as he is a shit, its probably not going to happen.

Joysmum · 11/10/2017 07:06

Blimey the weirdos are all out in force this morning.

Of course splitting up doesn't absolve him of all his responsibilities as a father despite what others say.

Of course if he's begging you on a daily basis not to move on and continue to try to work things out together, you'd be an idiot not to look at what his life is right now and if he's as committed as you would be be if you tried again.

Unfortunately, he's an absent father, just as he was before the split. He's only using the kids to manipulate you. He's also untrustworthy and moving on regarding his own situation and life, despite wanting to hold you back.

You left him for good reasons, those reasons haven't changed except to increase!

RogerThatOver · 11/10/2017 07:02

I tried his email and facebook after discovering he'd been lying about still living at his flat. If he's staying in a house somewhere, he has even less excuse to not see his children. Honestly I'd be happy if he's moved on but do not expect to be lied to or for that someone else to be put above our children which is what appears to be happening at the moment.

OP posts:

Quelto4 · 11/10/2017 06:45

You wanted the separation. Do you want him back. If not, he is free to do as he wants. If he didn't want the separation, have you thought how it could be affecting him, not living with his children. It is not easy dealing with a broken heart and the practicalities of living as a single man again but still responsible for 6 others. Give him time, hopefully he will find someone else to share his life with, we all want that, I don't know him, but if he lives them he won't lose contact.

dudsville · 11/10/2017 06:40

Op, look after yourself, your thread is going weird. As for your posts. I doing think is confusing. He's saying one thing but all his actions suggest another. And you don't need a man in your life life that. Hope your dcs are ok. That's a terrible abandonment.

tombstoneteeth · 11/10/2017 06:33

You initiated the separation and now seem to be determined to keep him under surveillance. Snooping on his phone and letting yourself into his house? How would you feel if he did that to you? He should be a lot more engaged with his kids, but I have had enough experience of divorce to know that some women are less than co-operative towards their ex-partners' access, and are good at presenting themselves as victims. In fact, this is particularly raw with me right now. Could your truth be somewhat different from his?

Mumof56 · 11/10/2017 06:06

Why are you trying to log in to his emails and fb? Or letting yourself in to his house when he's not there? Why do you care what the wallpaper on his phone is?

That's all very odd

Lagerthaisfabulous · 11/10/2017 05:59

So he sounds like a shit and is probably living with a new partner.

However i dont believe you popped round because your sister posted something by accident. You dont ket yourself into someone else flat to grab something. If yiu think they are living there, you would ask. You have also tried to get into his facebook.

You need to move on. You dont need to get into his facebook or flat to know he is a dick.

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Needalifeoverhaul · 11/10/2017 05:55

I suspect he wants his cake and to eat it too! Sorry, hope I don't sound too flippant with the phrase but too me it sounds like he's seeing someone else but in case that doesn't work out, he's got you to go back too....or vice versa..
The main thing here is his lack of contact with the dc. I suspect he doesn't want them to interfere with his life as a single man or wit his new gf.
Obviously, and hopefully, I could be very wrong here but does all seem a bit odd.

JWrecks · 11/10/2017 05:45

Wow, he is baffling! What is he playing at? Wants nothing to do with his own children, was left because of that very fact, is slinking around pretty obviously at least trying to ACT like hes dating or trying to pull, if nothing else, yet hounding you to get back together? He's not even willing to TRY doing anything that would get himself back into your good graces, yet talking the talk of trying to get back together??

It makes no sense at all! It almost sounds as if you've got something that he wants, iyswim? Do you have money or assets or something physical that he may want to get his hands on? Because if he really wanted to get back together that desperately, I'd think he would at least make an EFFORT!

HappenedForAReisling · 11/10/2017 05:32

The fact he wants to get back together would give me reason to care if it was me.

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