I'm.going to have to be a real bitch aren't I?

[Sparrowlegs248]

Because he's just not accepting it. He keeps saying "we've got a good relationship" and I just want to scream no, we haven't! GOod for him maybe, awful for me.

I've come to realize over the past few years that he's controlling, emotionally abusive, moody, negative and generally not nice. We have two small children and what I have put up with for myself I won't put up with for them. But he will not accept that it's over. He says I haven't given him a chance. He can't win etc etc. I'm blaming it all on him (I'm not, I can see my faults, I know I'm not perfect in this)

I just want him to go, but he won't. He thinks we can fix it. Even if he became the perfect husband there are things he can't change. Such as making himself and a visitor and sandwich at lunchtime, but not me, when I was breastfeeding our very hungry new baby, post c section. Having no involvement with Ds1 as a baby, until he had to (dc2 born) ignoring mothers day, birthdays (mine and children's) Christmas. Punching and kicking the wall a couple of feet from.me holding 3 day old dc2 because he was angry about the way I had been trying to put Ds1 to bed that night. Ignoring me when I tried to speak about having dcat pts. Calling me a vile butch in from of the children. And so on.

I'm trying to explain to him that I don't want to carry on, I won't carry on, I want to separate. He just argues with me. There is no argument to be had. But we've got the children so I was trying to keep it civil.

I'm rambling. Dcat is being pts today. He wants to come with me. I don't want him to. He hasn't bothered with the lots of other trips to vets and specialists, while heavily pregnant, and with tiddler and new baby.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Generally I earn more but two maternity leaves in quick succession have pretty much crippled me. He's paying more, quite a bit more than me atm.

Thank.you all, I really need support with this and you are helping.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Definitely don't have joint counselling: it is extremely harmful and destructive when your partner is abusive.
For now, quietly gather all the information you need. Don't worry about what he thinks, says or does; don't tell him that the relationship is over. (If there are any more incidents of aggression, it might be worth reporting him to the police - it's useful to have a record of abusive behaviour). Talk to Women's Aid, your health visitor etc. Then, once everything is in place (and depending on what you have been advised with regard to either leaving with DC or putting him out of the house), take action. You do not need his permission or his co operation to end the marriage. Don't take any notice of anything he says about how he will not 'let' you leave him, or will take the DC away from you, etc: he cannot compel you to stay with him. Good luck.

[Whinesalot]

Go to the Solicitor. If you can't pay thenn he'll have tho. It'll be a debt of the marriage when doing the financials.

[StigmaStyle]

A police car pulled up outside the other day, I actually thought he'd had an accident and had died. I don't want him to due but all I could think of was "well that's that problem solved then" Which I ought to be ashamed of.

I remember feeling like this too. I felt terrible because he's the kids' dad – but I did sometimes think "it would just be such a relief". It's that feeling of being so ground down and anxious and emotionally exhausted that leads you to those thoughts - I hope it helps that other people have been there too and understand. It doesn't mean it's what you really want.

I also remember the lightbulb moment I had when I realised my DP had not been in the same relationship that I had. Mine involved being lied to, left to do everything and suffering all those small but painful signs of selfishness and disrespect like you describe. His involved sitting on his arse a lot, using ignoring, lying or arguing to shut me down when I tried to address problems, and having a nice comfy life while I did everything and he got to focus on his career while I had to cut my hours to manage the kids and home with so little help.

When I told him it was over he basically just ignored me as so many times before. I had to tell him again and again.

As PPs have said, research your next steps, talk to WA, look for a lawyer who might give a free initial consultation. My fantastic lawyer did not need paying up front and had a scheme where you could pay the fee in instalments or wait until you found your feet. In all I spent about £1000 on her but it was well, well worth it as the watertight agreement she thrashed out has made me financially better off than I would have been.

So sorry about your cat too. This is a tough time but you can have a better future and you will get there.

[Funko]

Just my two penneth... even without any abuse I had the same with key exh when I ended it.

Honestly you have to go 'grey rock' for a while until he's out, accepted it and then you can move on to slightly more friendly civil for the kids sake much later.

Try and be emotionless in your dealings with him.

If he's saying 'I can't win', answer 'yes, you're right, you can't. Neither of us are winning, it's over there's nothing left to try. All we can do is accept the situation and try to move forward with a civil relationship for the children'. And repeat.... every time.

[Funko]

Oh and I often thought it would be easier all round if he died. It's fucking horrible but I think many of us have felt that way. We don't actually want them dead, it's a way of processing the hurt.

[StigmaStyle]

Also re being a bitch, that's probably what he wants. If he digs his heels in and does the "we can make it work" act and you have still dump him, he gets to be the wronged and injured party and moan to everyone about what you've done to him.

But you don't have to be bitchy, just "grey rock" as others have said, keep calm, don't get engaged in arguments, and just get on with preparing the ground. You don't need to tell him what you're doing at every step, just get it under way.

When I was gearing up to leave I did things like add a nice shampoo to the supermarket shop, and stash it away for when I was free. Tiny acts of defiance that only I knew about, as it made me feel in control and that I had a plan.

[DJBaggySmalls]

The last 6 years have been his chance. Google for your local Law Centre, they give legal advice to people that cant afford a lawyer;
www.lawcentres.org.uk

[Sparrowlegs248]

Sadly it's been a lot longer than six years.

[pasterfield9]

All the more reason to get the ball rolling with the divorce then. Don't give him another minute of your time, he doesn't deserve it

[Mary1935]

Hi he may ramp up his aggression if he knows he can't persuade you to give it another go. If he does get aggressive call the police as get him removed. Call women's aid for advice and support - they usually know local solicitors in your area that give free half hour advice. Yes I too fantasied about him dying as a way of getting rid without any more shit. (Plus I would have got the life insurance!!!!)These type of men hang on for as long as they can. Look after yourself.

[pudding21]

Op: I was in a similar situation to you, one of the light bulb moments for me was when I came back from a consultation from the go about a breast lump ( I'd had a mammogram) he didn't even look up from his computer to ask how it went. It was fine but not the point. On top of a whole lot of other shit. I'm 8 months post leaving and he still hopes and pesters me to come back together. He doesn't remember anything and I've come to realize I'll never be able to get him to understand. When I've tried he just minimizes and dismisses it. I know it's the right thing but after 21 years it's hard.

Write things down, remember thing so when you feel down or guilt you can go back. I felt like I was in a fog for months but I am so much happier. He's even more of a mess now than he was before. He hasn't done anything apart from whinge about how bad his situation is. He's actually in a good financial position despite having not worked for six years. I have.

You'll be much happier when free, when each incident happens it just gets more hurtful and depressing. It's been the hardest thing I ever did but I'm sat here on my phone ( he hates me in my phone), in my pjs, watching prime suspect with my rescue pup, kids fast asleep and happy upstairs, house clean, drinking tea. And I couldn't feel more content.

Pm me if you want to chat. Mumsnet was invaluable when I finally plucked up the courage to say " I'm done".

[user1487175389]

You do not need his permission to end the relationship. If you say it's over its over.

Go to your local children's centre tomorrow with the dcs and tell them everything. They're well trained to identify and assist mothers who are victims of domestic abuse and are generally amazing people. They'll help you figure out what to do next.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Thank you pudding. Yep he also hates me on my phone. Even though he watches the same old crap on TV every night. I will pm you.