Is an affair forgivable?

[direlog]

I read a lot of threads on here about affairs and people who cheat. They are often incredibly distressing and I admire the strength of the partner who seeks advice on here. But why do SO many partners cheat? It seems so commonplace? Is there something wrong with society's expectations of sex and relationships that causes people to carry out huge levels of deceit? I'm not married to my partner. Part of my reason for this is because I don't feel I need to say vows, I don't want to feel like I 'own' him - I want him to be a free person. I love him, I don't want to control him. To say 'til death us do part' seems a bit wrong - as I can't predict the future. He hasn't cheated on me, but TBH - I would forgive him if he did. Am I wrong to feel this way? As a human, as an animal - reproduction is one of our main characteristics. It is such a huge part of our lives. Animals have sex, yet humans have put big social constraints on how and why we should have sex and who we should have sex. Animals eat, but humans have social conditions about HOW we should eat (certain times of the day, using knives and forks etc). I guess so that we are 'civilised' and removed from how other animals behave. Perhaps societies social expectations of sex need to change?? Am I talking utter rubbish?? I just see a lot of upset and family break downs on here. It's so upsetting.

[sunshinesupermum]

jeaux90 Until recently women did not 'share assets' as legally she had none. We have fought very hard to have our own assets. However blinded we might be by passion when a relationship begins women need to know that forever is often not forever and she needs to be independent of a man if possible. It is very hard to do, I grant you, as women still have the lions share of childcare. However if your partner/husband cheats and deceives you should never feel there is no escape from him.

[NotJanine]

It's really up to the individual to decide if they are going to forgive, we all have different ideas on what we expect from a partner in a relationship.
As others have said though, it is not just the act of having sex with someone. The lying, manipulation, humiliation etc. that often occurs when someone is having an affair, can be even worse.

[Joysmum]

You're very misinformed about what is legally required in a wedding! Civil weddings only require you to confirm you are legally able to marry and do not require any vows at all, or you can write your own.

I also struggle to see how marriage is the intention to control or own a person. its about what you can give your partner.

It is perfectly acceptable and reasonable to get married with both of you being upfront and honest in wanting an open relationship.

[CBC1644346]

Pookie- I think intense sexual chemistry helps keep the interest of both parties. Many couples just do not have this though. I am amazed at so many of my friends pretty much saying that once they had their children they see sex as a duty and just do it now and again to keep their husbands happy and off their backs.

I think a lot of women don't necessarily always end up with a man they are most attracted too either. Sometimes the looker is deemed too dangerous and we settle for security and safety

[PookieDo]

I'm nearly 40 and only just found this. I settled And wasn't happy. I've made a million mistakes. I'm not telling women to leave men but I agree: I think relationships fail because people overlook the key elements of what it takes to keep making it work. That intensity is what makes it work. Our sex gets better, not tailing off but then we have the luxury of child free time and we do not have children together. Women are encouraged to choose safe stable options for the father of their children and intense chemistry is seen as unstable. It doesn't have to be but when you are 25 you don't really have quite enough life experience to forsee how lack of chemistry will pan out over time - you hope for the best, think it might change when the kids are older. But 20 years is a long time to wait

[sunshinesupermum]

Very good point Pookie - thinking back my ex was a safe bet at the time. How wrong could I be.

But as far as passion is concerned I've found that it does fade :-( Living with someone and getting accustomed to all their (good and) bad habits is often a passion killer!

[TFPsa]

On a practical level the big difference between humans and most animals is that our offspring need so much looking after for so many years and (given the way that our society has evolved) they if at all possible need two parents around in order to adequately set them up for life. This need requires a very particular type of 'contract' between mother and father that has many, many non-animalistic elements.

[thunderyclouds]

It is impossibe to know how you will feel and react unless it happens to you. I felt a level of pain I didn't know was possible given I didnt even like the person my H had become over the years. My prediction would probably have been that I would have been relieved at the chance to get out with a good reason. My reality was very different.

[GrapesAreMyJam]

I was cheated on three years ago. We worked through it and have ana amazing relationship now.

[PookieDo]

I've been cheated on myself and or wasn't fixable because of the lies
Both people have to want to fix it

Passion does fade I agree, but the chemistry needs to be there in the first place to be able to even rekindle it if it fades

[PookieDo]

I suppose what I mean is people I know who did work it out had something worth saving. Those who couldn't it seemed to be the final straw in a dying relationship. I'm just basing that on people I know although I see on here it is not unusual to have no idea it was coming and what they thought was a close relationship. So it goes to show even the most connected of couples one person can be tempted to do it anyway. People cheat for so many different reasons it's not always unhappiness it can be about ego

[MyheartbelongstoG]

People cheat because they don't think they'll get caught.

I feel sorry for women and men that stay with a partner who's cheated, IMO they all selling themselves short.

Once someone has cheated on you there is no respect.

[emilybrontescorset]

Everyone has different levels of tolerance.
I cringe st times when I hear the way some people speak to their partner. It's vile. I don't think there's anything to be proud of being with someone who speaks to you and treats you like a piece of crap.
Much better to set a good example to your dc find your self esteem, and leave.

[emilybrontescorset]

I wouldn't want an open relationship it's not for me.
I wouldn't want a partner who had cheated after vowing to me they wouldn't.
It's nothing to do with marriage vows it's to do with my dp promising me that I and I alone are the sole partner for them.
It's not just sex either. People who cheat confide in the other person, share secrets with them and give the other person their time. I don't want a partner who puts me beneath some randomer they have fucked.
I want to be their priority and if I can't be guaranteed of that then I'm not settling for sloppy seconds.
I'd rather be single and free to do as I please than take someone back who thought so very little of me.

[Nowaynowjose]

Exactly, emily. I cannot think of any circumstances in which your partner having an affair isn't showing that they think very little of you and your feelings. Even if you don't find out, they have been extremely disrespectful to your relationship by demonstrating the thrill of someone new is more important to them than your relationship.

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

Having sex with someone else yes.

Affairs/lying/gaslighting - no.

I do agree society puts a big empathises on monogamy, set education, that women should want children etc - its ingrained in us.

I don't agree with deceiving your partner but however discussing openly from the start of you so desire that you want to sleep with others so they can decide for themselves if they wish to continue.

Or to be honest when married/ in a long term relstionship that you'd like something new.

It's hurtful but that's because we are taught it's a slight to us. If nobody had told you it's disrespectful, you'd never know it was.

But this has to be with all parties aware. Deception is deliberately hurtful and not a sign you love someone.