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Leopard.. spots..?

33 replies

Attilathehunny · 04/06/2017 09:55

I've been reading a thread about husbands & prostitutes. Flowers to you wots ( new to posting not to lurking no idea how to do) I'm coming from a different angle ... say one of these men five years down the line after the wife left them....Yes lucky me! I am 6 months in with a man who pretty much did as shitty a thing to his wife as he could possibly do. Interesting he told me immediately as yes previously he was in counselling/ was sex addict etc ect usual script. He genuinely believe this though and hates himself for it. As in was celibate afterwards for 2 years. I believe him as bloody hell the stuff he told me... why lie about anything when the stuff he told me was so horrific & I had no way of knowing? My question is .. can a man change? Do they really regret it or just being caught? My bf is a bloody good ex husband bends over backwards for his ex wife ( def guilt Involved ) pay well over the top money for kids & not once complained about it, great father blah blah blah. Still though... how does someone do that?? He had a shitty upbringing. As did many people. Anyway what do you reckon ?? Can men like this change?

OP posts:

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TempusEedjit · 04/06/2017 14:47

I'd be more impressed by a reformed character quietly going about his business and informing on a need to know basis than Mr Mouth telling you how much he pays for his kids"

This in spades

He probably told you because he doesn't want you finding out the truth about his past hanging over him.

As for change, I don't think many people change their personality in a fundamental way. They might mellow as they grow older, or maybe become more assertive. But a complete shift in mindset? No (unless they have had a near death experience or similar).

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Ellisandra · 04/06/2017 16:18

She's very reliant on him and has kids with him.

My guess is surface amicable = underneath still thinks he's an utter cunt

(Yeah, I'm projecting )

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AndBandPlayedScotlandTheBrave · 04/06/2017 20:15

No.
That flood of voluntary information is designed to manipulate you. Poor wee puppy dog.

I imagine when someone like this says "they won't ever do that again" is leaving off the operational phrase of "today" or "this week".
How awful he/it was! (How awful it was he got caught.)
He will get help. (He will get help in hiding it better.)
The whole dynamic is based on a foundation of insincerity. The charm offensive and the knight in shining armour daytime identity is a fake facade for what goes on at night.

Don't waste previous time of your life on this scenario.
Don't risk your physical/mental health of getting a STI from him, a very real possibility.

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MysweetAudrina · 04/06/2017 21:57

Of course people can change. Men use prostitutes for different reasons. It depends why and how aware he is of why and what he has done in the meantime to learn what his triggers are and how he manages himself when he gets that rush. I don't think you or him could be absolutely sure that he won't relapse but I think it's like any addiction you have to be mindful and self aware. It's up to you to decide whether you feel you can trust him.

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Attilathehunny · 05/06/2017 00:42

Thanks, you're all very wise! I'm no stranger to idiot men but was married for a long time ( non idiot just not right for each other) and forget the games they can play. Honestly if he wasn't such a great guy I wouldn't even be considering / already committed. He has a lot going for him & I suppose part of me thinks there's no guarantees with any men you meet. Seriously how many people in there 40s are single due to bereavement or I dunno his wife left a perfectly good marriage for no reason!? Everyone has baggage at this age. I guess I liked the fact he had owned up to it & tried to fix himself

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user1471464232 · 05/06/2017 10:32

But he's not really a great guy is he? It wasn't just one mistake, it was a very conscious and deliberate number of acts which - to me, and his ex-wife obviously - would be unforgivable. He didn't choose to discuss his sex addiction with his wife so that they could tackle it together. He chose to sneak away and visit prostitutes regularly behind his wife's back - and then presumably only admitted to everything after he was caught?

May I ask what your response was when he told you? My feeling is that if your initial response wasn't 'fuck off forever, you utter scumbag' then you have almost already accepted it. You've accepted him and his... affliction?...already. Which is convenient for him, because when you catch him at it again, he can say 'but I can't help myself, you knew what I was like blah blah blah'.

On the other hand, maybe he genuinely is a changed man. But I would be very, very cautious. And I would find it extremely difficult to ever relax, trust him completely and just enjoy the relationship.

If I'm honest, I thinj you had already decided to accept him before you even posted on here because your original post portrays him almost as a victim that is going over and above the call of duty. He pays more than he should? So fuck. He bends over backwards for his ex-wife? Damn right he should! A bloody good ex-husband? It's an utter shame that he wasn't a bloody good husband instead.

I'm sure you'll give him a second chance, but just know that he doesn't deserve it.

All the best.

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Findingmyfeetinflipflops · 05/06/2017 14:45

OP be very, very careful. I'm in the process of leaving my H as I've found out about his prostitute habit. I am being civil and amicable with him as like Elisandra beautifully put "it's good for my soul".

Nothing can compare to the utter devastation I felt I had been lied to and cheated on for all our marriage. I feel like my life was one big lie and I wasted so many years. No one can tell you if your partner will repeat his pattern of behaviour but personally I wouldn't risk it. I would rather be on my own than having a future with someone I was hyper vigilante with.

My H comes across as a lovely, funny and generous man but his behaviour towards me was cruel and I feel sorry for the next woman he hooks up with.

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asomodai · 05/06/2017 15:01

Absoloutely someone can change.

I cheated on my Ex. I do not make any excuses as to why I did it. It didn't come out until she was told by the OW.

My Dad also did the same thing to my mother. However whereas my Dad blamed everyone and everything else for his actions, I blamed myself for everything and didn't ask to be taken back. I knew that although I had a terrible role model, it was my decision to cheat despite knowing it was wrong and that it was my fault that it ended the way it did. Although I didn't seek professional help, I recognized that I was a Narc and that I needed to work on it.

Upon meeting my DW I told her everything I did before a relationship ensued, I didn't leave out anything and didn't minimize anything.

That was 5 years ago, I am now happily married, never thought about cheating and I actually do housework and put my other half before everything. Whilst I still have some Narc tendencies (Talking about myself too much, including in this post!) I feel like someone who actually contributes to a relationship.

What it boils down to is personality, for some reason something within me decided I needed to start telling the truth because I hurt so many people and I didn't want to be my Dad.