Am I wrong? Can this work?

[sortingmylife]

Not sure if this is correct topic but here goes.
Name changed since but some posters might remember my old threads about my DPs bad (aka non existent borderline hate) relationship with my parents due to work situation gone wrong.

I have come to accept that they don't and will probably never get on as both sides have to completely different views on the past situation. It hurts me. A lot. I've always been a family person and its family that brought me the most joy. I was over the moon when me and DP started seeing each other and to top it off him and my parents got on brilliantly and him and my DF were very close.
I now have my own family with DP we have a DS (2.5) and a LO on the way (shhh it's still a secret).

Things haven't been great recently, me and DP seemed to have detached from each other DP even said that it feels "like we're just living together" , I'm quite self conscious at the moment and we have not been intimate nearly 2 months now (might sound like not a long time but for us it definitely is).
I'm very closed off and don't talk much as once I start talking about my emotions I usually cry and it makes me feel weak and pathetic.
Despite what I just mentioned DP says he still finds me attractive and loves me etc and I don't feel anything when he says that, I feel like I don't believe him.
Recently another issue cropped up where DP said he would not like DS to sleep over at my parents as he doesn't trust them and he also feels uncomfortable at the thought of them babysitting him on their own without me there (even without sleeping over) but he said he understands that the situation is hard for me and I have to choose what's right for me at the given time.
I stayed over at their house a couple of nights ago with DS as DP was away for work and I work evenings so it helped me as they could put DS to bed as I get home past his bedtime. That was okIsh with DP as I was also staying there. The next day I left DS with my DM for about 2hrs whilst I nipped home and took the opportunity to clean and do the laundry toddler free. DP called me around that time and I said that I'm just at home and DS is back at my DMs and said why, he said that its ok and I don't have to explain myself. But he came back from his work trip and we didn't even kiss to say hi properly not a cuddle or any form of physical contact, we are even more detached than ever. We've spoken briefly and DP said that he understands that I do what I think is right but he cannot help the way he feels about it so I can't expect him to just be ok with everything as he feels he has no say in his DSs life/care and that he always backs me 100% with his DMiL and FIL but he understands why I have to make decisions like that sometimes. This comes across passive aggressive to me as in "i want you to think you have a choice but if you make the choice I don't like it will affect our relationship".

I just feel so deflated today both sides have told me they don't expect me to pick a side but it feels like sooner or later I'll have to because no matter what I do I will always upset one side be it DP or my parents. I'm thinking about the day this LO arrives and DP walking out of the room when my parents come to visit at the hospital and I'm welling up. Feels like everything in my life will always be overshadowed with this sense of loss and sadness and tiptoeing around the situation to try and keep both sides borderline happy but no one will ever be really happy.

DP told me today to make a list of the things I want for us looking into the future, how I see this situation and how I see our daily/weekly routine in terms of making time to see my family etc but I feel like there will always be a loophole and something will be amiss/changed or mixed up.

In truth I feel like I don't know how to be happy anymore and I don't know what I want for myself this situation is squashing me into the ground like a bug and I can't get back up. I'm just so sad and I realise this post will probably just sound like an incoherent ramble of a lunatic in comparison to other problems people face in life so apologies. I'm not sure if I'll get any replies to this and I don't even know where to start with my list my head feels like it's about to implode.

[Offred]

He doesn't need to have behaved perfectly at all times re the business to be correct re your dc and concerns re your parents BTW.

It is the DC safety - emotionally as well as physically, that should be the primary concern. You are not being objective re your parents IMO. Re their suitability to care for your DC or the tension you are creating by wanting DP to feel differently about them. He doesn't want them to have unsupervised contact or to socialise with them. There are very good reasons for that, even if for him the priority is his resentment over the business, the fact still remains that your parents do not sound like suitable people to have unsupervised contact anyway.

[Offred]

Agree with some others re the most important points;

1. Your dp is more important to your children than your parents are.
   

1. Your father is an alcoholic and your mother has many issues (codependency, manipulative behaviour etc) that mean whatever happened with the company I agree with him that if your children are to have contact with them then it should be supervised and limited.
   

1. Family businesses do often end up in a mess like this, your parents have come out of this without consequences and without accepting any responsibility for leaving your child without food/nappies and instead your mother is niggling about money and who is owed what - not responsible.
   

1. Whatever happened with the business, if you do not take your partner's feelings seriously your relationship with him will end. His demands are not unreasonable given the safeguarding concerns in point 2. Go with him on that and don't bother picking apart all the he said she said.

[CrazedZombie]

If the arced were reversed and your do write this post, you would be taking a verbal battering for not supporting your dp. Your actions suggest that you are taking a side. (Your parents) You justify their behaviour with each reply.

It's very unfair to expect him to be with your parents for kids' birthdays etc. He isn't banning them from participating, he's leaving for he house for everyone's sake. I can totally understand why he doesn't want an alcoholic and an enabler babysitting on their own. Most people wouldn't allow it tbh.

[MuffinMaiden]

Unfortunately you have to stop dwelling on what happened and accept that your DP wants to be nc. Accept and respect this and don't try to guilt him with talk of birthdays/Christmas etc. He is more important than GPs to his children. He hasn't forbidden you or your children from seeing them, he just doesn't want to be there. It doesn't matter that it makes you sad, because this isn't about you. Don't try to force him to spend time with people who make him feel bad.

[sortingmylife]

If I would have known my DM was asking for a severance package I would have told her about the situation unfortunately I did not find out until the loan was taken and the money has been paid.

Olivia I am not fixating on anything in particular I'm just writing things as they crop up and as I remember them, so much happened that it's hard to always remember every single thing but I do appreciate all the input from everyone. I really need some outside opinions on these situations as I have no one to talk to about them in RL that won't be biased.

The weird thing is that I sometimes question my own sanity as I'm hearing such different things from different sides I begin to question myself.

[Bringmewineandcake]

If your mum worked 3 months for free then I would see that as even to be fair, unless her severance was more than 3 months pay.
I've followed your previous threads and this is the first time you've explained what happened. The issue you have is that your husband mixed business and family by employing your parents, and that business failed. Quite rightly he is disappointed by its failure, but he's unable to separate your parents from their roles as his employees. It may be one of those things that you just have to give time for a resolution to be made.
In the meantime see your parents in your own time with your DS, be firm with DH that you will leave DS with them from time to time and unless he has cause to fear for his son's safety then he needs to accept it and say no more on the subject.
There's nothing you can do to force them each to deal with this matter, it can only come from them.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Everyone's being a dick. However, one fact trumps all others. Your DF is an alcoholic who was drinking at work and your DM was there and didn't make sure he left the job. You don't leave your children alone with an alcoholic and enabler.

[notapizzaeater]

I think if my DH was working himself to the bone and had to take his own company into liquidation whilst still paying DF a wage I'd be grateful. As your DM. And DF where managers did they nit know how badly things where ?

[Mu123]

Jeez, I think you all sound like a bunch of childish arseholes

[OliviaBenson]

And again, why did you not tell your mum at the time? Why did you sacrifice your family wellbeing to give her a severance package?

I can't really comment on the working for free. Maybe it was too little too late for your DP by that time. It may have been really helpful and good of your mum. But it is one thing and it seems odd to fixate on. I doubt your mum and dad are bad people through and through, but it's the overall picture.

[OliviaBenson]

You seem desperate to try and justify your parents. Every post you seem to minimise their behaviour more and more.

You will lose your marriage if you continue this way.

[JennyHolzersGhost]

I don't like the sound of your DP.

[sortingmylife]

Thank you for all the replies, again, I keep rereading and mulling everything over.

To answer a few of the questions from below:

• my DM and DF did not know we struggled to get nappies/formula at the time, I believe my DM would have acted v differently had she known, it was a v.brief period (week or so) but it was happening at the time DP took out the loan which is why he always brings it up

• the counselling was initially for me to try and deal with/accept the situation and the impact it was going to have on my family balance as I was in a really really bad place over everything that's happened. It was only the most recent one where the counsellor brought that issue up with DP out of her own initiative.

Also I don't know if this puts things in a different perspective but after my DM was let go she came back into the company to help (she had the required skills for one of the depts) she worked 3 months full time for absolutely free as everyone believed they could make the company work.
DP does not acknowledge this as he says that she ended up making a mess again apparently even though at the time he thought they needed her.

Here's another thing I would like to get people's opinions on:

My DM worked 3 months full time for free effectively doing the job that was previously done by 1 ft and 2pt employees on the dept.
Months after (once she found out about our situation at the time she got her severance package) she said had she known she would never have taken the money but she said that she also feels like she has now repaid it due to working for free.
DP disagrees and says "free means free" and says that she still owes him that money but he knows he will never see it.

Opinions?

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

since my parents are perfectly ok with just being civil

well they can afford to be can't they?
They're not the ones having to shoulder the responsibility of the debt they helped accrue
They got their wages and severance pay out - all at your families expense.

They are not having to live with the repercussions of their actions - your dh and you are.

He did your parents a favour by employing them - and they repaid him by fucking things up & leaving him in debt.
Your dads alcoholism played a part in creating that mess, and your mum played her part when she refused to give him the respect owed as her employer.
They've basically used and abused him.

You seem to be in narcissistic FOG - and you're not being proactive in dealing with this.
See your parents on your own or make sure you never leave dc alone with them.
Your dh is giving you the respect of discussing all this with you so it's about time you did pick a 'side'.

he's the one putting the restrictions in place
Good job someone has their head screwed on then!

The fact that your parents can't even apologise for the part they played in the mess shows just how little they think of you and your family.

You're choosing your parents 'side' by leaving your child alone with them - who's father does not wish to expose his child to their toxicity.
They won't treat your dc any better than they treat you.
In fact they will probably brainwash your dc like they did you.

Why the hell should your dh stay in the same room as arrogant people who can't even apologise for the position they've put him in?
If your parents were honest about being civil - or making things easier for you - they would apologise to him. it can't be that difficult to say 'look, i'm sorry for my part in the whole mess, is there anything we can do to help?'

Your husbands feelings DO matter, OP, and if you keep minimising them you'll ruin your marriage.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Reading your update on why your DH dislikes your parents I am shocked you refuse to 'take sides'.

Your parents really tried to take advantage of your DH to the detriment of your family, you couldn't afford to feed your dc because you had to appease your mother?!

Seriously do not blame your DH at all for never wanting anything to do with your parents.
I'd go apeshit if under those circumstances dp wanted to take our dc to his parents and play happy families with them.

Why are you so unable to see your own point of view? Your parents would have happily seen your dc starve!

Do you want your marriage to work or do you want to be running around after your parents?

[TempusEedjit]

You couldn't afford formula because your mum demanded her severance package? Wow.

Why wasn't she told, it sounds as though your DP would have had no issue in telling her given the other things he'd said to her and your DF?

[NotHotDogMum]

I think your parents have behaved very badly, and I find it strange that you aren't more supportive of your DP's wishes. No wonder he is distant and withdrawn. Your relationship won't survive if this continues.

[RebelRogue]

The main issue here seems to be that you refuse to take a side,particularly your DP's side.
You're all I don't know what really happened,what to believe ,whom to believe. If you talk like that with your partner he probably feels you don't trust him and believe his account,while he's trying his best to get you both out of this mess.
I'd find that really hurtful

[mrsmuddlepies]

I think it has been said on your previous thread but if it was your PILs who had belittled you and refuse to apologise, you would be advised to go non contact and leave him to see them on his own. Your parents, particularly your mum sounds manipulative and you are constantly trying to please them. As the advice would be the other way round, your husband doesn't have a PIL problem he has a wife problem. You need to decide who is your priority. If you want your marriage to work, you need to be seen as a team. It sounds as if your husband is being left out and you are being disloyal.

[JennyHolzersGhost]

Everyone was partly at fault and they are all making life very difficult for you. I'd tell them all to pack it in and get over it for my sake tbh. They're acting very selfishly and childishly.

[OliviaBenson]

And yes the two things are extreme in their difference. Your parents seem to blame your DP and he them. From the details given I think your parents really need to take responsibility here.

I think I asked before, why did you not tell your mum how bad it all was financially and that you could barely afford formula?

[OliviaBenson]

I think you need solo counselling for you to look at your relationships with your family.

Your comments are interesting though as the sessions you did have seem to be if your DP is willing to compromise. It's all on him. (I appreciate this is only a snap shot).

I really feel for you as it's a hugely difficult situation. But it's not going away- something needs to change but that needs to come from you. Your DP has made it clear and your parents don't seem to grasp it.

[sortingmylife]

Well DP says he brought up the work issues with them but I'm not sure to what extent. I wasn't there.
I don't think my dads drinking was ever tackled.

The strange thing for me is how my parents seem to think they implemented whatever DP asked them and DP is saying they never did and they are all blaming each other for such different things and view things in such s different way, surely the two opinions are a bit extreme in differences?

Me and DP have had counselling and we've been told to not dwell on the past as it sounds very complicated and we probably won't unpick it and also at the most recent visit when the counsellor was trying to see if there's any give in terms of what DP would be OK with when it comes to DS and my parents she got quite concerned and said there's an obvious wall there as he was not willing to listen/accept to any suggestions and got quite worked up.

[OliviaBenson]

Why did you not tell your mum how bad it was at the time? I cannot believe you struggled to buy formula and didn't say anything.

Your mum was ineffective and didn't want to learn/change and your dad had a drinking problem. Did your DP ever raise that with them?

It all hints at not wanting to rock the boat with them, and that doesn't seem like a good relationship.

[OliviaBenson]

I'm still with your DP here- your last post is very defensive of your parents role. I seem to think from your last posts that there was also a bit more to it (unless I'm getting mixed up).

Your mum making comments like that seems like she's trying to drive a wedge between you further as well.

Please do get some counselling op to try and unpick this.