Would I be wrong to approach this subject with DP?

[RainbowsAndLemonDrops]

I'm expecting to be shot down in flames here... basically, DP and I have been together 9 months and we're happy. I'm the happiest I've ever been after two awful LT relationships. DP split with his ex a year and a half ago and they have a 3 year old DD.

Firstly, I appreciate that they must have daily contact regarding the care of their DD and I have no problems with that. Something happened last week that she wanted my DP's advice for (not regarding their DD). Since then they've been in constant and I mean constant contact. They've always messaged at what I'd say inappropriate times (when we're out for drinks/dinner/at a show) he'll reply to her instantly - even when it's not regarding their DD. Again, if it was I'd have no problems!

I went out to get breakfast for us the other day, came back and he's messaging her. Usually he tells me what they talk about or will say X has called/messaged.

I'm a very untrusting person in general and have been cheated on before (please don't say you don't trust him, the relationships done) it isn't. If I had that mindset I'd be single forever as I struggle to trust anyone!

Feel free to tell me I shouldn't say anything and I'm being a massive twat

[Isetan]

Hmm, you still need to mention it otherwise when they've made up, you'll end up exactly where you are now.

He needs to hear from you that you're important and you won't tolerate being treated like you're not. It sounds like he's one of those 'anything for an easy life' types and that means his energies will always be aimed at placating those who threatened that.

[Emergencyigloo]

Look at it from his point of view.

I feel very sorry for the man who has to keep his ex sweet in order to continue amicable child access. Imagine how excruciatingly stressful that just be for him. He must be terrified that she has such power to stop him seeing his child if he puts a foot wrong.

Shelve your annoyance and jealously at their continued attachment and support him by talking through his concerns and fears if he does have them, that she seems to hold such power over the contact with his child.

You might find a way through talking with him about that instead of sounding whiny and jealous about him talking to his ex constantly, and he could respond better to both you, and her. I'm sorry about the terms whiny and jealous it's not meant to be insulting to you, it's just how he may eventually perceive you.

His ex is putting you both under huge stress, you both deserve a break from it. Go away for the weekend somewhere with no phone signal like the Lake District insert exclamation mark

[Chloe84]

I would still mention it, in case it starts up again. Just say something like 'I am uncomfortable with how much you were in contact with ex about things not related to DD. I think you need to tone it down.'

[RainbowsAndLemonDrops]

I think he must read Mumsnet

They've had an argument regarding care of their DD tonight. He then said "we've been messaging too frequently anyway so hopefully this puts a stop to that...

[Cafechocalatte]

Agree 100% with isetan - pull him up about not answering you, or about replying to texts while you and him are out. Don't specify it's only the ex you don't like him texting

[Isetan]

Calm down and take a deep breath. There's no need to verbally pop a cap in his ass just yet.

Take the focus of the discussion away from his Ex and simply say, that you find it quite rude that he prioritises non urgent texts while you are on dates or are spending the evening together. Thus putting the emphasis on the behaviour and not the Ex.

[RainbowsAndLemonDrops]

He's been online all day, taking forever to respond to my messages but he'll be messaging her.

I'm going to bring it up tonight, if nothing changes I think I need to reconsider things. This is not what I want to feel like for the rest of our lives.

I'm fucked off.

[Isetan]

Oh dear guess who's going to pay the price of "keeping his Ex sweet"?

You're so busy figuring out what to think that you've forgotten that, constantly replying to non urgent texts when on a date is just plain rude, whoever he's responding to.

I think it's really important that you establish where your boundaries are because not knowing and failing to maintain them, won't make for a positive relationship dynamic for you.

[RainbowsAndLemonDrops]

He does say he'd never get back with her, he's told me that numerous times but I just struggle to trust what people say. I'm not a confrontational person, I'm dreading bringing it up

[Cafechocalatte]

I can see why it might bother you, however, I am in daily contact with my ex. We split up 10.5 years ago, my youngest dc is nearly 12, so we don't need to be in constant contact, but my current dp would probably say we were!
I would not take my ex back if you paid me, but he was a big part of my life, I consider him a friend.
If you are going to approach your bf about this tonight then please do it carefully. You don't want to come across jealous and possessive at this early stage.
I agree with a pp who said it sounds like he is keeping her sweet to possibly avoid any contact issues

[RainbowsAndLemonDrops]

Every time I message someone at an unusual time he asks what are you up too? So I know he'd probably feel the same.

I understand it's early days, but I think there should be boundaries and a limit. They need contact for their DC absolutely, but this feels too much and it's playing on my mind.

[Underthemoonlight]

You only been together 9months it's very early days. My DH isn't particularly aware that I might message ex tbh it's not really issue with us he understands that I have a child with him.

[user1490817136]

It's not being an arse though , you just wish to be treated as you would treat others.

I would be curious as to what he would do if your phone went off after you'd ordered your starters and you sat tapping away to an ex partner about their problems!

I have an ex that I share kids with and although I understand that people are different , my relationship with the ex is very business like. Our text threads consist of "what time are you picking the kids up today?" "6pm" "Thanks". And these conversations happen only when contact is due.

[RainbowsAndLemonDrops]

quitelikely I agree. I'll speak to him tonight hope he doesn't think I'm being an arse!

[QuiteLikely5]

People do not need to be in persistent contact about a three year old child.

If they are separated then they should act like it.

In your shoes I would not tolerate this as I would not feel comfortable with it.

You have boundaries and this situation is pushing those boundaries.

Time to act so your boundaries can be reinstated!!

[user1490817136]

As with anything OP , if it makes you uncomfortable then you should speak up. I would expect to be told off by my DF if I engaged in non-urgent conversation with my ex when we were out having dinner or at the cinema!

[user1490817136]

I meant to say 'rude' , sorry , I hope my post makes more sense now.

But , yes , I'd tell him you consider it rude and that he may need to set boundaries with her.

[RainbowsAndLemonDrops]

user he has his DD tonight but we're going out tomorrow so if she messages then, I will voice my concerns. It's just no sitting right with me. I sometimes wonder if I'm just being a bit unreasonable and silly things make me anxious sometimes!

[user1490817136]

I wouldn't like that OP. I would speak to him about the responding to her personal texts when the two of you are on a date. If it's about the DC that's completely understandable (but only if urgent). This isn't just about you learning to trust , it's about him earning it.

It might just be a case of him always having responded immediately to her texts and he hasn't considered changing that now you are around. TBH I'd consider anyone sending a non-urgent text to anyone while they are out having dinner/coffee with me though. I'm rather grumpy :-)

[RainbowsAndLemonDrops]

sneaton you're probably right there. He is very open with me, we do a lot together and is a happy relationship. When they argue occasionally she'll call him a waste of space dad and god knows what else and he never ever calls her out on it. He said it easier that way?

[Justmuddlingalong]

Just say that you understand completely, that his DD is his main priority. But when he messages his ex while you are enjoying couple time, about non urgent things, it makes you feel unimportant and it's upsetting you.

[AmberLin]

It's really hard learning how to trust. Believe me, I know. But after only 9 months you could easily scare your dp off by showing even slight glimpses of jealousy or mistrust. Take it easy.

[RainbowsAndLemonDrops]

magoria that's exactly how I feel and I know if I don't say something in a constructive way I'll end up snapping and saying something along the lines of "right, I'll get a taxi home and leave you two to it. I'm clearly interrupting you"

justmuddling you're right, I'm just a little unsure of how to approach the situation in a sensitive way, rather than coming across as I don't want them both to have a friendship.