I've just told him I don't want him back (after agreeing to try again)

[Lovelilies]

Long history of splitting, getting back together.
Currently living separately but planning to move back in with him. I've changed my mind though. And I've just told him. I've said 'I'm not ready' and that I feel like he doesn't want the commitment I do (marriage), even though we have 2 DC together. A recent thread I started said how he wants to travel to a Oz and India (without us) and the general consensus, as well as my own guy feelings, was that he still wants the single life, with a family when it suits.
But now it's done, and I feel awful.
I know he'll try and talk me round, he has every other time!
Any advice how to stick to my guns and not cave?

[Lovelilies]

Thankfully I already have a CMS case for them, it states he's has DS 2 nights a week and no over nights for DD2. He's not been paying the full amount recently because we were moving back but I've asked for it in full now.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Oh, and the other reason they all talk about 50/50 or full custody is to mess with your head.

You really need to go NC or at very least LC with him. Do not EVER speak with him in the phone; make him do all his communication via the written word, which will help with your evidence. Which you will need soon. Add to which, you know that when he talks to/at you, you get your head messed with. You KNOW this. So, don't give him the chance.

Take whatever steps you can to not need him for childcare, as he's proven unreliable and disruptive to your lives. Keep a journal of everything: times he's let them down, headfucks, etc.

I mentioned CMS before. You might also benefit from speaking with a solicitor.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Well, you gotta believe he doesn't want the children 50)50 - he just wants that to be the agreed format while the financials go through and you get squat, then he will violate/renege 90% of the time. And what if he does go off on travels? From the sound of things, this is always an imminent possibility.

Have you made a CMs claim yet? Worth doing. They're onto all the tricks NRPs try, like quitting jobs, etc. Sometimes you have to really keep on them to keep on him, but for the most part, you have a better chance of squeezing the shekels out of Twunt with their help than without it.

You need that help. You've got all the evidence you need. And he's clearly not going to step up unless forced.

[Lovelilies]

Ah, that makes sense Pre.
I doubt he'll really want that. In the 10 months since DD2 was born he's looked after her without me twice for a total of 12 hours
One minute he wants 50/50, the next he says he's quitting his job to do locums and will 'let me know' when he is available to have the DC.

He's being mr Nice today, text to see how DC are. I replied they're fine and left it at that.
It's totally crazy but I doubted myself (only for a few minutes) when I drove past where our campervan was stored and I remembered the fun road trips. I've actually written a list of reminders for myself about how crap he is so I don't cave.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

They all want 50/50 because it means they don't have to pay maintenance.

[Lovelilies]

He's said he 'might' have the children on Monday. And demanded to speak on the phone to arrange contact with the kids.
Now he's saying he will let me know on Sunday when he will have them.
I'm going to arrange mediation as he seems to think 50/50 is suitable

[Msqueen33]

Oh god he sounded like a right arsehole then. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

[kittybiscuits]

You can forget about Sunday and get your mum to stay over.

[Lovelilies]

I will switch phone off, I did yesterday for 16hrs and it was lovely and peaceful!

If he cancels last minute, I'll have to call in sick/carers leave which wouldn't normally be too back except I only went back last Sunday then had Monday off as the little Ines had D&V and couldn't go to the CM!
I'll probably get bollocked but what can you do?

Yes, his dick head brother lives in Oz

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

How bad would it be if he didn't turn up on Sunday (or if he found a reason to cancel late on Saturday, probably somehow your fault)

I wouldn't trust him.

[Msqueen33]

I remember you I think. Does he have a brother in Oz?

He sounded awful. It'll be horrible for a while then will get better. You're strong and will move forward to have a life that doesn't revolve around a dick.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Don't stick your hand in the crazy!

^^ This. Step away from the crazy. Move along, citizen.

[expatinscotland]

Yes, he's acting like a tantruming teenager because he hasn't got his way. And yy, turn the damn phone off.

[kittybiscuits]

Turn the phone actually off. Put it in a drawer. Step away and give yourself a chance to calm down and breathe.

[Lovelilies]

Now he's texting that me and the kids are his life, and he will look after them on Sunday while I work.
I'll have to hold him to it now, but I'll change my shifts in future so they can be with the CM so I'm not relying on him.

His behaviour is crazy isn't it? I'm not exaggerating what he's said/ done. He seems to think he's being perfectly reasonable and I'm the bonkers one, because I changed my mind.

[expatinscotland]

Don't stick your hand in the crazy! He's a fucknugget.

[kittybiscuits]

You have done exactly the right thing. Step back from him. Then step back some more. Now step back again. He's a crazy-maker.

[Butterymuffin]

Ring your boss asap and say the kids are ill, your husband has left so you won't be able to come into work and you wanted to let them know sooner rather than later. Then you can start planning a bit further ahead. You haven't fucked up, it's circumstances.

[Lovelilies]

I only answered because I thought he wanted to come and see DS (he hasn't).
I've had 35 missed call since then and numerous texts.
The latest;
"My behaviour isn't crazy .. yours is! You're acting irrational and irresponsible - neglectful towards the kids with the way you are as a mother. It's not something I can compete with.. "

Mr Nasty now. I'm glad in a way that he's following his own script as I kind of know what to expect.
It's bloody hard doing it on your own though! All 3 are ill at the moment, the baby won't be put down at all, DS is acting up royally, and DD1 was sick everywhere in the night needing multiple bedding changes etc.
I can't face a life of crying baby, screaming toddler and moody pre-teen! (I know things will get easier but, my God!
I don't even know how I'll get to work on Sun/Mon as he was meant to have the DC!
My mum can only manage a couple of hours she has severe COPD and there's no one else.
I've fucked this up royally.

[tribpot]

Why are you engaging with him? He told you about the chest pain (alleged) exactly so that you would say why didn't he tell you, so that he could say you don't care so why should he. Don't give him the reaction he wants.

I can of course appreciate why you wanted to tell him about the welfare of his son, but there was no need for any further discussion.

If he moves away, he moves away. It's his choice. He only participates in family life when it suits him now anyway.

You predicted all this on Sunday. You said:

He'll be
Sad
Self pitying
Angry
Self righteous
Helpful
Hard done by
Nasty
Manipulative
Kind
Apologetic

In different orders and on different days. I'll get essay length texts.

Yesterday was Sad, today is Nasty, with a side order of Hard Done By and more than a sprinkling of Manipulative.

[Lovelilies]

I tried to get in touch with him to tell him our DS has been put on steroids and inhalers today for his chest.
He called back later and was rambling. Said he'd been in hospital with chest pain but discharged now.
I asked why he hadn't let me know. His reply was I don't care so why tell me!
Had a brief conversation on the phone I reminded him why I don't want to be with him. He's going in about how unfair I'm being, irrational etc.
Then when I asked what about the DC, he said he's moving away. I can do what I want with them like my eldest (dad is NC and he knows how horrible that is for her!)
He's moving away. So I hung up, nothing more to say is there?
Fuck.

[Onecutefox]

OP, take a piece of paper and divide in two columns: Positive and Negative. I am sure the Negative column is going to be a few times longer than the Positive one. Keep it as a reminder.
He likes his cake and eat it but do not be his cake.

[Lovelilies]

He is definitely a world class champion of the 'empty words'. In hi head, if he promises something, he's already done it iykwim? So if he doesn't actually do it (99% of the time) or do it when he's said he will, it doesn't really matter as the thought was there 😒
Just the other day he promised DS (3) a lego set. Said he had one at his house for him and he'd go and get it. Surprise surprise, there's no lego set (yet). Poor DS keeps asking for it, because Daddy said he had one. It really pisses me off.
It's like the marriage thing. He proposes. I say yes. Then whenever I talk about getting married he'd laugh and say oh there's no rush, I need to do x,y,z first.
Re reading my posts on here help me keep strong, and realise when he's promising the world it's just a load of shit.

[Onecutefox]

OP, I have a friend whose eXH (they're divorcing now) always wanted to do something not related to being with his family. His hobbies were number 1. He was leaving them, coming back and that would repeat many times. Eventually she dumped him and now has a wonderful man who plays a father figure to her child.

[Butterymuffin]

If your family's so great, how come he wants to go travelling without you? And how come he is threatening to leave them? Empty words. If you get back with him, you'll just get more of this. Definitely time to end it.

An idea I've seen on here before is to get a new phone and number and keep your old number just as a pay as you go that only he will use. Then you can just check that phone when you're ready rather than being bombarded with texts or calls all the time.