Saying something you regret

[Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages]

Hi
I'm separated and recently started what turned out to be a toxic relationship with someone a lot younger than me.
He couldn't cope with the fact I am still married and I respected that. Except it was one of those situations where he would say we couldn't see each other, I'd accept that and then he'd contact me again. We'd make arrangements to meet up and then he'd cancel last minute.
Somehow I didn't have the courage to end it once and for all at the time. - Possibly because the sex we had was phenomenal - best I've had in decades and this was mutual.
Last weekend a couple of things happened - he told me he was thinking of another woman as he masturbated and my friend saw him out with another girl.
I was angry, jealous and drunk so stupidly sent him viscious messages telling him not to contact me again and saying the one thing you never, ever say to a man which is not true.
He phoned me early the next day and called me all manner of names under the sun and told me to F off.
I have apologised profusely because I was so hurtful. I feel horrendous. I can't apologise anymore. I don't even know if he has read my message or just deleted them straight away.
I know I did wrong and was incredibly childish. Is my guilt misplaced? I just have an urge to try to make it/him feel better.
The relationship had to end and could never go anywhere but I didn't need to kill it quite so dramatically.

[Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages]

Thanks for the tip Biddylee! I will look at that for sure; I am hopeless at letting go.
Abs - highly recommended!

[Biddylee]

I'm glad you've parted on civil terms... just don't let him back near you. Check out the stuff about no contact on the Baggage Reclaim website (it's my new favourite website)

I don't think I've dated anyone with abs - must put it on my 'to do' list...

[Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages]

He has contacted me. Clearly the relationship is over but we had a brief and civil conversation. We have parted on civil terms which I am pleased/relieved about.
Time out before I move on, I think.

[Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages]

Biddylee, I'm sure there will be. And ones who don't do things they shouldn't and ones we feel confident with. Maybe some abs too! I'm a new fan.

[Biddylee]

bestthings Yes - I know the feeling about spending a bit more time with the box of sexy tricks. Although the guy I was seeing didn't have abs. And for me he was the first one that came a long after the end of a LTR.

Anyway I expect there will be plenty more with different sexy tricks and different bods.

[FrenchLavender]

He was a twat, he deserved the things you said

I beg your pardon?

[Isetan]

You both behaved immaturely. Yes he was a twat but you had the option of not breaking nc but you didn't. Instead you let him mess you around further and spat your dummy out in a fit of pique.

I get that you're mortified and upset but I don't get the impression that understand why you could did it and how you could have avoided this whole mess. You you let 'good sex' spur you to chase a relationship that was limited to only good sex.

[Shayelle]

Sorry should NOT have apologised!!

[Shayelle]

Stop beating yourself up! He was a twat, he deserved the things you said - you should have apologised!!!

[ageingrunner]

It's not the end of the world. He was mean to you, too. Be kind to yourself!

[Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages]

I've never done it before. Never said anything like that.
I'm certain I won't again.

[BubblingUp]

I do know someone who has done this exact same thing several times. The common theme is alcohol. She's a mean drunk and lashes out at men texting really nasty mean stuff and then is remorseful and guilt-ridden the next day. She has major regret - and yet, she'll do it over and over.

[Horsemad]

You both sound immature and not ready to date each other.

[Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages]

Thanks all. Player is a word I have heard a lot in connection with him.
It was the first relationship since I got married and it took a lot for me to go there.
It wasn't my best decision to embark upon this relationship at all. I think I convinced myself I liked him and he liked me. I still regret what I said enormously. But I do have to learn and move on.

[Dadaist]

Maybe OP you were suppressing a lot of emotional investment? Telling yourself it was just great sex and that you could cope with the hurtful things he said and did. You held it in, in the hope of being attractive to him. And so when it came crashing down you couldn't help but unleash the hurt inside you that you'd been trying to hold back on?
Anyway - that's just my guess, but if it was anything like that - then I wouldn't feel too bad OP - you felt used and hit back. He's not vulnerable - more like a bit of a player if you ask me. Just forgive yourself and move on? And if you are a little annoyed at yourself for messing up the chance of bedding him again - well you've just done yourself a favour really! Good luck OP!

[Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages]

Thanks. I don't think we had a great deal in common but obviously that doesn't make it ok to hurt someone. I'd like to have emptied the box of tricks or at least taken a few more things out.
I have learned already from this.
There may be horny men out there but horny men with abs you can crack walnuts on... they are harder to find.
My own fault.

[Biddylee]

Bestthings it is difficult to let go when you have had some good sex... having said that the box of sexy tricks can start to get repetitive and boring after a while if there isn't something else that goes with it. Treat the experience as just some good sex, a lesson in not phoning a lover when angry and a lesson in idiot spotting.

And I am sure more sex will come your way. The world is full of horny men.

[ageingrunner]

It might do him good to be taken down a peg or 2?

[StickyWick]

Sounds awful but I would just forget about it. It sounds like a disaster of a relationship. I'd give dating a break for a while.

[Naicehamshop]

I wonder if all the pps have actually read the op??

He has behaved like an immature little shit by constantly cancelling on you at the last minute, telling you he was thinking about another woman when he masturbated... ugh!

Yes, you shouldn't have said what you said, but he sounds like a toxic wind up merchant. Stop beating yourself up about this and move on.

[Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages]

There are lots of reasons why we couldn't get together again even if we both wanted to.
I hope he won't dwell on what I said because it was utterly untrue. It has shaken me that I was so hurtful. I have to live with that.
Has anyone else done something similar and got through it?

[FrenchLavender]

Well if you've apologised in the most heartfelt way you can then you can't do more than that and you should leave it now. Unless he already has huge insecurities about his size I am sure he will get over it. It doesn't sound as though this relationship was a goer anyway, so try not to overthink it and move on.

But do be aware that if the tables were turned and you were posting about him making spiteful personal remarks about your appearance or your performance in bed you'd be told in no uncertain terms that he was a nasty abusive wanker who got kicks from dragging your self esteem into the gutter and on no account should you allow him back into your life.

He sounds pretty immature, telling you he was masturbating over other women, so as to provoke a jealous reaction from you presumably. It's all a bit tawdry, isn't it?

Find someone you don't have to play these silly games with.

[Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages]

Oh it's dead in the water. There's no coming back after the things I said. I feel ashamed, appalled, devastated by what I did/said to him - that it was poisonous. I have told him this and I know sorry doesn't come close. As well as obviously saying it was untrue and again that he is an amazing lover.
I don't expect him to forgive me.

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

He sounds like an arse but yes of course you shouldn't have said these things like he shouldn't have said about wanking over someone else.
You obviously don't bring out the best in each other so just leave it well alone, and find someone who you are compatible with.

[LostSight]

I hate that he hates me, more than anything.

At least you know he's not indifferent. Maybe when he grows up, and you aren't on the rebound, you'll find each other again and be able to laugh.