Is he being racist towards me?

[fedup17]

My husband is black and I'm white. We have 5 children. He's always going on about how much the white race have done the most evil on the planet and reads pretty much loads of stuff that discredits the white race. I often feel uncomfortable. He then starts saying that the white race. are actually created from the black race and we are the 'weaker version' of them and that's why the white race hate the black race so much. He goes on his general rants and then says he loves me and all that when he sees I'm upset by his comments. The one thing that gets to me though is every time we argue and i say or do something he doesn't like he will say things like 'it's your white genes showing through'. He's allowed to call me what he wants and that's fine but if I say anything back its always 'its your white genes, that's how white people behave'

He makes me feel ashamed for being white and makes me feel like a less of a person and when he goes on about all these evil things the white race have done in the past to the black race I always end up feeling like I'm not entitled to be in This planet like I don't deserve to be. Is he actually being racist to me even though I'm white?

[PollytheDolly]

Sorry! That wasn't meant to come across blasé and a joke. I worded that wrong. Apologies. I think this is a very serious situation which if left unchecked will damage 5 more people and the real possibility this will continue through generations.

He is completely consumed by his hatred. There's a lot of stuff there he has learned, which needs to be unlearned. The OP and the children need to be away from him, notwithstanding the abuse side of it.

[SandyY2K]

He's having a pity party, and only he is invited. It's a fancy dress party though. Dress in the 18th century or something similar.

This is a very blaze attitude and rather dismissive of a serious matter.

[highinthesky]

He has a point but does he treat all Caucasians to his discourse? No, I didn't think so.

[quencher]

Op, the thing is, there is nothing you can do to stop him or change his mind.
There is two ways of learning about slavery. finding the right sources and not getting into the rabbit whole of conspiracy. That's the worst for any body because they can be really extreme. They could be based on truth but we will never know. The only person who can get him out of there will be himself. There is a lot out there because of the internet and it's disturbing staff. It's lovely when a person is oblivious to what really happened.
I would suggest counselling to see if it can help. It might be best of that counsellor is black and not just anyone.

I really fell sorry for your children. They don't need this.

Op, please don't try and justify his abusive behaviour. He should respect you and his children because they are white too. His sexist behaviour does not change the white blood running through his children.

@SandyY2K I have stopped watching all slave movies and dramas. I was tempted to watch roots but I could not do it. Am glad you gave me more reasons why I shouldn't. I just could not take it. I know am not the only one. My mum gave up on British tv all together and subscribed to nollywood.
Slaves movies seem to be the only movies and dramas Hollywood is good at making for representing black people. There is black samurai movie in the works, with lots of unknown story how he ended up in Japan, they chose slavery as his back story. That will not be helpful for people like the op's husband. He will find the counteracting and conflicting stories online and will be part of the conspiracies he will be reading. Re-affirming his belief in whatever it was.
It's hard to move on from slavery when it's shoved in your face almost everyday. When racism is part of most dramas that involves black people.

Please op, deal with the abuse. His new views should not make him abusive towards you in anyway shape or form. If he loved you, whatever he reads and from knowing you, he should be able to make judgment and know that you are different. You did not enslave anybody. You are not to Blair or Cameron. You are the person who loves him and was willing to have five children with him.

No. He's having a pity party, and only he is invited. It's a fancy dress party though. Dress in the 18th century or something similar. Making jokes like this and dismissing it is how you end up with terrorist. Am not saying the ops husband is one. I would take this seriously. Extremist don't just come out of nowhere.
I wish I could offer more help op. I really feel for you.

[MrsDoylesTeabags]

I'm soory you're experiencing this fedup what a horrible situation to be in, it must be very difficult.
Your husband seems to be going through some sort of crisis but that does not excuse his treatment of you, and it is abuse.
I am mixed race and it can be confusing and difficult. I've faced horrible prejudice and ignorance from black and white people, though never from my own family but there's no denying that it has had an effected on my confidence and how I view myself compared to others.
For the sake of your children if not your own well being you need to resolve this one way or another

[PollytheDolly]

I'm not sure if he's watched any films like that but he does talk about slavery and stuff. He reads a lot of stuff online. A lot of conspiracy theory stuff as well. I think he just reads loads of online stuff and when he hears about all these wars and all other bad stuff that happens he seems to think these things wouldn't happen if it wasn't for white people causing them. He's goes on about the 'white westerns' invading this country and that country.


No. He's having a pity party, and only he is invited. It's a fancy dress party though. Dress in the 18th century or something similar.

[SandyY2K]

It can be very dangerous to become obsessed like that. Although it gets addictive reading more and more about.I would spend a couple of hours every day reading online.

Sometimes it really strikes a nerve.... I guess living in today's society, you just see the whole injustice of it. I can remember thinking what a life I would have had, purely because of my skin colour and if I was born in the US ... So I can relate to the obsession. It's hard to describe really... And when you're online one thing leads to another and you read more heartbreaking stories including those of former slaves, escape attempts, and rapes by slave masters and what really annoyed me was the fugitive slave Act being passed.

Some of it actually gave me nightmares... visualising slaves being thrown overboard to die, college boys being drafted in during summer vacation to rape the slaves in order to create more slaves, having your children sold off as a punishment... Yeah it's really hard to take in and when you read further into it, it can have a way of affecting you mentally.

It's irrational to think it's every white person, but it's impossible to seperate the brutality from the race itself.

I'm not defending him, I'm just explaining how reading into the history of slavery and further delving is very emotional and can be traumatic even.

Most people just hear of slaves being beaten and being sold at the markets... But I've learned so much about slave families and the systems that enabled it to carry on.

However, even in those times, I know that not every white person agreed with it. I know that some risked punishment when they were teaching slaves to read and write.... But it can be difficult to wrap your head around the depth of cruelty bestowed on black people by white people back in those days.

History is important, but bringing it into daily life as your husband is doing, serves no purpose. It will lead him to be a very bitter man and far from what he's doing... He should focus on ensuring your DC are well educated and know they can achieve whatever they desire in life and without being held back by the colour of their skin.

Teach them how to deal with prejudice and discrimination that they will likely face during their lives.

I teach my children, that despite how poorly black people were treated, they have risen and become the best at many things in society.

Above all, we are a human race and there is no place for bitterness over what our Ancestors did. When you know better, you do better.

[fedup17]

I'm not sure if he's watched any films like that but he does talk about slavery and stuff. He reads a lot of stuff online. A lot of conspiracy theory stuff as well. I think he just reads loads of online stuff and when he hears about all these wars and all other bad stuff that happens he seems to think these things wouldn't happen if it wasn't for white people causing them. He's goes on about the 'white westerns' invading this country and that country. He does have friends from work who are white, drinks with them on nights out from time to time and gets on really well with them so he doesn't have a dislike to white people he Just seems to be obsessed with it all.

[SandyY2K]

Has he been watching films like the remake of Roots and 12 years a slave?

Because watching those films can put you in a certain 'place' as a black person. I found after watching 12 years a slave, I was reading lots and lots of stuff online about the slave trade and the treatment of slaves. It really is distressing and as a black person myself, I felt a lot of anger. You wonder why your own race was seen as sub human. It's very painful, but that doesn't excuse the way your DH is speaking to you.

In fact a friend mentioned Roots being back in TV and said it's hard watching and it can really change your attitude for a few days after.

Perhaps if he had these views when he met you he wouldn't have married you.

One thing that especially stood out, was how they would whip pregnant slaves, by digging a hole that was to protect her unborn child (because that child was going to be a slave) and as she lay down and was given lashes with the 'cat of nine tails' whip.

That said, I didn't start abusing white people.

Not wanting to turn this into a slavery debate, but to pick up on this....

What about the Africans who sold their own people to be slaves?

They did this through tribal disputes, and never for one day thought that such brutality was going to be dished out to those they sold. Africans never branded human beings or sold their enemies children or family members. This is history, but trying to defend or turn it back on the African people is wrong.

[originalbiglymavis]

So what's happened? Has he got new friends or interests?

[fedup17]

He's only had these views in the last 2 years. He didn't have these views when we met, well he never voiced them if he did. He has always been controlling though and quite criticising towards me which has been like that since we had children and moved in together.

[originalbiglymavis]

He is not just abusive to his wife though is he? He has racist views which he spouts, but to be honest, that is a side issue to the deeply disturbing treatment of his wife and children.

Racism isn't the issue here, it's abusive behavior which no one should have to live with.

[VestalVirgin]

Words mean things, mavis.

Every racist is an asshole, but not everyone who is an asshole is automatically a racist.

This man says he abuses his wife because she's white, but racist people do not marry people they are racist against. (Men rape women they are racist against, but don't usually marry them)

Men do, however, quite frequently, marry women they are sexist against.

[originalbiglymavis]

Of course he is racist. Don't even try to sugar coat it. Racist racist racist.

I can't be doing with the whole 'it can't be racist because...'

He sounds deeply unpleasant and unhinged. It also sounds like he doesn't actually like the Op very much.

[VestalVirgin]

Divorce him. He's abusive.

One could debate whether views that are not supported by society in general can be called "racist", but whether or not he's racist isn't really the question here.

Fact is, you are miserable. Get out of this.

[pinkmagic1]

He sounds very racist and also uneducated tbh.
My Dh is non white and there is no way I would put up with this.
His views are extremely damaging and especially to mixed race children. He could give them serious identity issues. They should be brought up to be proud of both sides of their cultural background, not have to listen to this shit from their father.
I am not one to normally say ltb but his views are abhorrent.

[JJbum]

He is ignorant, racist and abusive.
He is damaging your children through his views and his abuse of you. (As a mixed-race person, I read your post in horror).

You deserve better and so do your children

[BoneyBackJefferson]

It is racist and it is abusive.

People can be both of these at the same time.

[scottishdiem]

He is not being racist.

He is being abusive to put you down and keep you in your place.

Leave him.

[originalbiglymavis]

I couldn't live with this. I'd have thrown him out long ago.

Why have children with someone so abusive? I know that's a naive question and I have not been in a situation like this so have no idea what is going on, but from outside it looks like he is an absolutely​ abusive, ignorant, chip on the shoulder gobshite, who shouldn't be around kids of any colour.

Such venom and hate. I am quite surprised he isn't violent as well. Sounds like a lot of anger. I wonder what his family is like. Do they agree and think the wife is the devil incarnate? Do they bitch about her or make shitty racist comments to her face? Do they tell the kids that mums culture (and where they live) is shit and only they are 'good'?

What a bloody mess.

[PollytheDolly]

He loves his kids and would never want to hurt them even though he's horrible toward me. He says he doesn't consider his kids white as they come from him and he's black

Fucks sake, that says it all! You're irrelevant in his mind then?

He is racist yes, but first and foremost he's an arsehole. You deserve better than that, as do your children. Please don't let this continue through them so that they end up in marriages doing the same thing and continuing this toxic, abusive train of thought in society.

[ForalltheSaints]

I think he is being racist, and abusive.

[cormorantfan]

Sorry, but LaContessaDiPlump, you are wrong
By far, the smallest degree of genetic variance is actually found between what we think of as races, and most certainly not within them: your genotype is not more likely to be more similar to someone who descended 'from the same population of migrants', except for a tiny group of alleles that constitute a fractional percentage of your genotype: the rest of the vast swathes in genotypic difference are as below:

In 1972, Richard Lewontin performed a FST statistical analysis using 17 markers (including blood-group proteins). He found that the majority of genetic differences between humans (85.4 percent) were found within a population, 8.3 percent were found between populations within a race and 6.3 percent were found to differentiate 'races' (Caucasian, African, Mongoloid, South Asian Aborigines, Amerinds, Oceanians, and Australian Aborigines in his study). Since then, other analyses have found FST values of 6–10 percent between continental human groups, 5–15 percent between different populations on the same continent and 75–85 percent within populations

[BoneyBackJefferson]

whatisgoingon1
Definitely agree with how much the white race have done the most evil on the planet Not sure how can anyone even want to deny it?

I'm not sure how you could quantify such a statement.