AIBU to expect my family to not contact my ex?

[gomezabc]

Currently going through the tail end of a divorce, during which my ex has restricted my access to my children, been extremely inflexible on child care arrangements when they are in place, and has dragged the finances out far longer than necessary and been very vindictive in that regard.

I used to get on with my ex's family really well, however since the split NC from them (to be expected I guess - I walked out). But my family are still in contact with my ex on FB, messaging etc. AIBU to expect that they shouldn't be, that they should understand the hell I'm being put through?

[Isadora2007]

I was really hurt that my ex in laws basically cut me off after exH and I separated. I am the RP and it was tough going being a single mum. It upset me that that the one night a fortnight my ex had them was when they'd see their grandparents as well because I could have done with the support or the "time off" at other points during the month if they had contacted me or answered me when I offered them time with their GP.

I didn't end the marriage their son did. So I don't see why I became public enemy number 1... but I did.

Now the kids have very little relationship with either their dad nor their grandparents. Which is a real shame as they're great teens.

So yes OP, YABU. Let your parents keep the relationship with their grandchildren separate from their relationship with you.

[xStefx]

Mamagin it doesn't but the " feeling sorry for myself " post and the username made me think it is. I could be wrong though :-)

[Mamagin]

xStefx, where does it say that the OP is a man?
Agree with everyone saying that contact needs to be kept up for the children, and that you don't just drop somebody because their marriage ends.

[2gorgeousboys]

I think YABU as long as your smile are not siding with your ex against you. My uncle fell out with my DM when I was a teenager as she stayed in touch with his DW when they divorced. My DM and her sister in law had been friends for 15/16 years and my aunt was my god mother. Keeping the friendship going also allowed us cousins to keep in touch as she stayed in the family house 10 minutes from us and he moved and worked away. It got worse when we all went to my aunts second wedding! My mum (and my view) was that just because he didn't want to be married to my aunt anymore didn't mean we had to cut contact. It wasn't about asking sides!

[LadyLapsang]

You sound incredibly self-centered, you walk out and it's all about "the hell I'm being put through". Maybe your family are placing the well being of your children before any loyalty to you. Depending on your behaviour, now and in the past, they may not feel much loyalty to you and may have more sympathy with the position of your ex in trying to give the children the support and stability they need.

[xStefx]

You meet a partner , have kids and are all happy your parents get on with her.
You walk out, leaving ex with kids and expect her to be ignored by your family and them not have a relationship.
Bloody selfish man, me me me!

Spare a thought for your ex who Is parenting alone and your kids who miss their dad. Stop crying over your family being " disloyal" because they are not. Unbelievable

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Somerville

because its not always that easy or simple.

But we don't know what went on and the OP hasn't expanded on it.

[tomatoplantproject]

You walked out. Unless there is some massive story, that is a truly shitty thing to do to someone, especially if there are children involved.

Your family may well be feeling sympathetic towards your ex, ashamed of your behaviour, and want to stay in touch to see the children. If your ex's family are NC with you presumably they were having to pick up the pieces after you walked out and are not feeling kindly towards you. If your ex has the children most of the time they may well also have unlimited access to the children so not feel the need to be friendly towards you.

Time to apologise and mend bridges perhaps?

[corythatwas]

I am still on good terms with my db's ex. The way I look at it is, for years I was told that she was a member of my family, we bonded, she became a part of my children's life, to them she was their aunt, and then he walked out on her. Not my fault, not her fault.

I am not blaming my brother, but he doesn't get to take away dc's aunt from them, because that is a separate relationship that doesn't belong to him.

He also doesn't get to force me to take sides either for or against him- I didn't ask for this situation and I refuse to choose.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Why did the relationship end?

[StewieGMum]

It depends on how and why the relationship breaks down:. If you had an affair or were abusive, then you need to take responsibility.

Your children are allowed to have a relationship with your extended family, regardless of whether or not you are there.

[Somerville]

If it was abusive the OP would have left with the children, surely.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Somerville
So, you walked or on your spouse, and think that as a result she/he and your family should instantly lose their relationship? Right...

If the relationship was abusive...

[willconcern]

Maybe they ARE taking your ex's side. Did you walk out suddenly, with no warning, had you been having an affair?

In any event you can'take dictate to adults who they can and cannot be in touch with.

[SookiesSocks]

Because you are not rp so no need to keep in contact with you to see the children. Plus you walked put so they may hold that against you.

Maybe they are taking her side if for example you walked out after having an affair but its more likely they stay in touch for the children.

[Minime85]

Why did u walk out? Could that be something to do with it?

[gomezabc]

Patriciathestripper1 is right - I feel like they are being disloyal to me.

Yes I take on board the "grow up" comments, I haven't told them to stop being in contact, I just feel like they are taking my ex's side.

I think it adds to my feelings that my ex's family have all gone NC with me. Why wouldn't they also keep contact for the dc's?

[Minime85]

Why wouldn't they? I've been separated 4 years this year and still in touch with exh aunts, cousins and his dad. Think it shows a mature grown up attitude.

[Somerville]

So, you walked or on your spouse, and think that as a result she/he and your family should instantly lose their relationship? Right...

[Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername]

Ah, wait, sorry - I mis-read it. I still don't think you are being unreasonable OP, but I now see that yes, they should have some kind of contact with your ex, because of DC

[Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername]

When I split with ex-h, my parents still kept in touch with him, but didn't tell me. There was absolutely no need for them to keep in touch with him because of PFB - I had custody, they saw her through me, not him. When I found out, I asked them to stop, and they did. OP - YANBU

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Yabu

Your relatives are thinking of the children. They are the most important thing here.

[willconcern]

YABU.

[SookiesSocks]

There are children involved so your family keeping in touch is understandable.

Try to see why they would instead of demanding they shouldn't.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

You AIBU.

Grow up.