Moving away from kids dad - what now?

[Poppy1978]

Hi everyone,

I'm moving to Croydon next weekend, to be nearer my bf. It's all very scary, leaving everyone I know here in Norfolk.
Apart from the ex, who I can't wait to leave of course!

My relationship with me ex husband ended with me going to a refuge and has been messy since. We've been seperated over 2 years. Contact has settled at every other weekend, but now I'm moving this is unlikely to be possible, especially as neither of us drive.

Have any other mums been in this situation, and could perhaps offer me some advice?

I can't say I'm bothered if he dissapears off the face of the earth, and the kids are quite young so prob not too many questions there.

However, I really don't know how to tell him. He is ok with the kids, but violent towards me, so I avoid him as much as poss. I seriously tempted to simply write to the solicitor. The ex doesn't even have a telephone number.

The other query is, where do we go from here. He is not allowed in my property, so I don't know how we are going to arrange access. Can I been made to take the kids up to him? I'm on income support, so this could be difficult.

Thanks,

Poppy

[lottylouloopy]

Thankyou so much for your help with this it has put my mind at ease.

[Snorbs]

You might be better off starting a new thread for this but, essentially, a court won't give a damn about a 15 mile move particularly if you're offering to facilitate contact.

The only times a court really cares much about moves are where the court suspects the reason for the move is to frustrate contact, or where the move would take the children outside the jurisdiction of the court (eg to a different country - England to Scotland counts).

If your ex has Parental Responsibility then he does have a right to be consulted about changing schools but he can't insist that your children stay where they are. The most he can do is apply to court for a Prohibited Steps Order but as your move seems to be for good reason (so you've got the support of your family) and it's really not far, I seriously doubt he'd get a judge to agree that you shouldn't move.

In general, dads only get sole residency either a) by agreement, b) by death or abandonment by the mother, c) where the mother is demonstrably unfit (eg injecting heroin into her eyeballs) or, occasionally, d) where the mother has a long history of ignoring court-ordered contact. As you've already got an agreed contact schedule that you are willing to maintain, he's not got a hope.

[lottylouloopy]

Hi all,

Me and my partner have decided we want to move to a new house closer to our family this means that my children will have to move school and nursery but they will be living closer to their grandparents, i told there dad of this news today and he is not overly impressed to say the least, we are moving about 15 miles away from where we live now so not that far the kids will see their dad alternate weekends as they always have and i have offered to drop and collect the kids to their dad so he doesn't have to travel the extra distance.

I think i am being reasonable here as this move is not affecting his regular contact with the kids one bit and i'm not even expecting him to go out of his way to collect them but he is being awkward and says he will try to stop the move and get custody of our children himself.

Does anybody know if it is possible for him to stop us moving or getting custody of the kids ?? ( my children are 3 and 5 haven't lived with their dad for 2 years and are very happy living with me) any advice would be much appreciated.

[tammybear]

ah, well we arranged exp's visits ourselves, but we do have arguements over him having dd at his. my hv suggested with that, that i should go to courts regarding access but exp has agreed that hell wait until i think dd is ready.

[Poppy1978]

Hi tammybear, so far the courts haven't been involved, though funding was granted to take it to court.
dd is very bad on long journeys, gets very travelsick, so I guess it wouldn't be unreasonable for me to require exp to come down to me. I hadn't thought of that

[aloha]

Believe me, Beety, as the wife of someone with a child from a previous relationship, I'm normally strongly in favour of dads having proper, meaningful contact with their kids. I think it's important and really good for children even if the parents can't stand the sight of each other - but that's provided the dad is a decent person who isn't violent. I just think violence changes everything.

[tammybear]

poppy1978 - in my situation, i leave it down to exp to come to see dd, as because of the distance, its no point me taking dd up to see him as its a 3 hour drive and she doesnt do well on long drives. exp doesnt have parental responsibility or anything or though he thought if he got it, he can do whatever he wants (idiot). i know its a very difficult position to be in. it was my exp choice to move away, so its really up to him to make the effort. do the courts know you're moving in the sense of exps access, as im presuming they would have to alter it wouldnt they? if i were you, i would get your current solicitor to write to exp, that way if you're worried of him turning violent on you, you're not there. sorry if im not much help

[Poppy1978]

Thank you for all your advice and support. I will get away first, and then tell him and see what happens from there.

mummytoseven, that might be the best idea, if I can find someone to supervise, or a contact center. My concern over rare visits was that I am sure he will expect to take the kids home with him during his weeks off.

Hopefully there may be another solution and if it goes to court they would recognise that his solution would be unfair stress on the children.

[ggglimpopo]

Message withdrawn

[mummytosteven]

poppy - I was thinking along lines of visitation a few times a year at pre-arranged times, with supervised access - not suggesting he should turn up out of the blue, or even have them overnight. I agree with aloha - don't even let him have your new address for now -and have things done via solicitors. Sorry that neither set of grandparents will be of any use.

[aloha]

You don't have to let him have the kids at all you know. Even if he gets a court order, he's basically powerless. As for his having them for a week against your wishes, well, I think not.

[aloha]

Good luck and put your own safety first. So sorry to hear about what happened to you. Personally, I think you have the right not even to tell him where you are with his history. I feel sorry for your dd, but that's his fault, not yours. I hope your move brings you lots of happiness.

[Poppy1978]

mummytoseven - that is my view, that I can't be the one to sto contact. But I jsut can't let him turn up out of the blue one every 3-6 months and expect to take them to his for a week.

Grandparents not a lot of help I'm afraid. Mine can't stand him and wouldn't want to be involved, his parents are too infirm.

It is going to be so awkward that if he does come to Croydon to see them, I can't have him at mine, so decisions would need to be made as to where he goes with the children all day.

[Poppy1978]

I am considering writing to his solicitor rather than him directly. I may need to get myself a new solicitor when I move to Croydon. I did have witheld address for some time before, until
things settled.

I don't really consider that he has rights. He has never done anything for the children. DD can't remember the situations where she was trying to block him from getting to me, and the nightmares she used to have. She was only 2.5 at the time.

It's the childrens rights I am trying to protect. They have a right to know who their father is. I still haven't decided what I will tell them about him in the future when they do ask why we divorced. I think eventually contact will stop, but ggglimpopo is exactly right in that if I refused it he would fight me all the way in any case.

[spacemonkey]

eloquently put aloha - i completely agree

[mummytosteven]

poppy - if you go to sols could you ask about the possibility of him only having supervised contact?

[mummytosteven]

Poppy - I realise he has treated you very badly, and that you are trying your best in a difficult situation, but I still feel that him seeing DD/DS a few times per year is better than not at all. I think it is important that, even if he loses touch with DD/DS, that it is not your fault - i.e. that you said he could see them when it was convenient for him to visit. I can see why you might not feel comfortable with them staying with him for a week etc - but you could try agreeing something with him which doesn't mean that happening until they are a lot older. Or could they stay with their grandparents??

[spacemonkey]

It's a very difficult situation, you have all my sympathies poppy. In view of his violent behaviour in the past I would go through the solicitor or write to him once at a safe distance, making it clear that you are open to discussion about contact arrangements for the kids. Then the ball is in his court.

[aloha]

I meant to put 'His rights (eg to see the kids) don't overrule HERS (to a decent life without fear of being attacked)"

[aloha]

I personally think a man who is violent to his children's mother and forces her to leave the home and go to a refuge is abusive to his children, regardless of whether he actually hits them. It is disastrous and terrible for children to have this kind of family life. He sounds a truly appalling man, and Poppy is still clearly afraid of him. I tend to agree that a man who beats up his wife pretty much gives up any right to a family. His rights most certainly don't overrule his. If someone beat me up and I was afraid they would do it again, I would also want them to disappear off the face of the earth. I think a letter to his solicitor might be the best thing - give a neutral contact address for the time being - and let the police know if you are at all scared that he will find you and hurt you. As for your dd, I do think you need to sit down and say that you are all moving to a new house and maybe won't see daddy quite as much. As her how she would like to keep in contact - maybe the phone, or letters might be appropriate. I actually think violent men are best kept away from kids. Most men who hurt their wives end up hurting the kids anyway.

[Poppy1978]

Beetroot I would love an ideal world too, but with soem people it just isn't posssible. I don't want to take the childrens rights away from them, but he isn't good for them, he is a horrible person, that's why I said that.

I'm trying my hardest to do the right thing by the kids, I do have strong feelings about my exp and what he put us all through.

I'm having trouble explaining things here...

[Poppy1978]

Spacemonkey - That is exactly how my exp is. And of course I'm doing it all to 'spite him'.

Beetroot - I know what you mean, and I'm not trying to take them away from him or prevent access. I'm moving because I have a right to a life too, and for a better life for them.

My exp put me through hell. Nothing would make me happier then to see him dissapear off the face of the earth. But the children have a right to a realtionship with their dad adn I'm am not going to take that away from them.

My probs are - how to tell him we are moving, when his reaction could be God knows what, and how to arrange access with somebody who can't be bothered to do more than walk up the road once a fortnight.

Aloha - I have dd 4 and ds 2. ds is a little slow, and will not have a huge understanding of what is going on. He doesn't understand we are moving.
dd is very bright. She knows we are moving to London and it is a long way away. I don't know what to tell her about her dad, cos I don't know if she will be seeing him or not. She is close to her dad. He lets her get away with murder when he has them, and she looks forward to that and the attention. She knows we won't be seeing Nanna and Grandad as much, and we are going to be closer to Rishi, my partner.

I'm not sure how dd will feel if contact ceases. As i said I'm not goin to take that right away fromt he children, but my other frear is that he will only want to see them a few times a year, and I don't want them to have to go to stay at his for a week, when they will then hardly know him! It really needs to be regular if he is goin to bother. It is all very difficult. {sad]

[spacemonkey]

but poppy is not planning to disappear without telling him beety