What do you do when they're wrong, apologise but it's still not ok

[Abecedario]

Hi. As the title really D(ickhead)P is having a rotten time with work at the moment, very stressed and unhappy. He works from home and I'm off this week following an injury that has meant I'm not able to work - nothing major but enough to have me feeling sorry for myself. His reaction when I hurt myself was all 'what have you done NOW?' and not exactly supportive, which I called him on and he admitted and he has been really helpful and caring since, but it's interspersed with more grumpiness and like a pissed off attitude about it all that I don't understand. He says he's angry at the situation not me but - I don't get what there is to be angry about. I had a genuine accident, it was unfortunate but I'll heal. In the meantime work are supportive and I'll hopefully be back in next week?

He was a moody arse all day yesterday, I told him he was being unfair and he realised it and apologised, went to bed thinking all fine. This morning he's moody again, then over something really small and stupid he flipped. I didnt have enough cash needed to pay something that could only be paid cash (dog groomer), I asked him for the extra tenner and I'd get it out when up and about again he muttered and stomped about before thrusting it at me in a pissed off way. I said if it was a problem I'd pay it in online banking to his account right away, but couldn't help adding 'or call it your contribution to the food shop' (I'd just done online). So I get told 'you can go to your sister's, I've had fucking enough' cue more stomping about and slamming doors. I said 'what, because I needed to borrow a tenner that I'm about to put straight back in your account' and was told yes, more effing and blinding, more he'd had enough etc etc.

To avoid a drip feed it's his house, I pay half everything and we're saving to buy a place together. He's more cautious about money than me and can get stressy about it but there's nothing owing and it's not like I'm forever taking money off him, I just haven't left the house other than to go to minor injuries at the weekend so forgot/wasn't able to get cash out. It being his house makes me vulnerable and makes it Shitty of him to use that in an argument because he keeps telling me this is my home too blah blah but clearly not because he can actually just tell me to get out. I said 'do you really want me to go' he said yes then the groomer arrived so he went into his office and I dealt with that. Once she'd gone I hobbled upstairs to see him, he just glared at me so I started to throw some knickers in a bag because I really did just want to get out, called my sister and left a message asking her to ring me back because I'd need a lift as I can't drive due to the injury. Then he was all apologetic, tears, he's sorry, he doesn't know why he's so angry, he's stressed, it's not fair to take it out on me and he knows it blah blah. He says he's felt angry since I hurt myself, he doesn't know why, knows it's not the right reaction, he knows he's selfish, he's a weirdo, he doesn't understand it himself. He can be like this - he gets really anxious sometimes but it comes across as anger, usually at himself.

He's kept saying sorry throughout the day and can't do enough for me. He clearly wants me to say it's all ok but it's not. If I could drive anywhere I'd have gone anyway, and still got half a mind to get my sister to pick me up only I'm not sure I could face her house full of kids, grandkids etc etc and having to explain why I'm there.

It's not that he told me to get out really, I know he didn't mean it, I'm just pissed off with him stooping to that level because he knows it bothers me that I'm the one in the insecure position here.

And I'm just pissed off that since I fell and really fucking hurt myself, of which there is visible evidence on top of me hobbling about like an old crone, wincing in pain, he's been a moody grumpy bastard who suddenly developed a 'cold' and a 'headache' and didn't I know he didn't get much sleep and blah blah. Like he has to be the hard done to one even though it's actually me that's in pain. And I'm feeling guilty for inconveniencing him by hurting MYSELF! We want kids and I just think what if there's an issue, what if I get ill (my birth mother died from complications with childbirth), what if our child hurts themselves and wants daddy to kiss it better and gets a short response back instead? Is he going to stand there in the labour room and huff and stomp and complain about actually he's got a sore throat so this is really very hard for him. I say this to him and it's all 'I know I know, I won't be like that' but actions speak louder and all that.

We're good usually, good communication, he is affectionate, makes me laugh, makes a huge effort with my family and friends, compliments me, does sweet things like getting up early to defrost my car or cheers me on when I'm trying something new like running (off the cards for a while!) He can be so kind, thoughtful and considerate but then he has moments of being spectacularly selfish too, or just totally clueless about what I consider to be fairly basic parts of human interaction (e.g. If your loved one is hurt surely the immediate reaction is care and concern, not anger?) Sometimes can't do enough for me and has been so generous and thoughtful so many times, but then when I actually need him to help/do things for me it's all moods and poor him. (To a lesser extent he's been like this when I've been ill, or when the dog was - the response is anger, not as in screaming and throwing things but like pissed off rather than concern? Then when you tell him he's being unfair he realises and is caring again).

He does listen when I tell him he's upset me, he does try really hard. He is very sorry. I just can't say 'it's ok' because right now it's not. What do you say when it's like that? I don't want to leave, I love him lots and part of me wants to let it drop but he really really hurt my feelings and it's not ok. I've just said 'I know you're sorry' and 'we've both got some things to think about'. He's out now as he was visiting a relative then got his sport later this evening, which I've told him to go to as we could both use the space. I'm not going anywhere tonight realistically but I don't know long term.

God, this is so long and probably boring sorry!

[Naicehamshop]

Oh come on, springy. No one should have to put up with aggressive crap like this from their partner. .

And referencing one of your earlier posts, how are you supposed to bring up children and stop them from irritating a man who can't control his bad moods? There are massive red flags here, op.

[springydaffs]

Perhaps you're not a panicky /anxious sort, catkins. Unlike some of us...

[Kittencatkins123]

Yeah I've worked from home springydaffs for lengthy periods of time and under huge evil boss/ridiculous deadline/find me three moons on a stick level pressure. However stressed I was I didn't take it out on my partner, when they were ill and around I just worked in another room. It's not hard to adjust, particularly when you have a degree of empathy. We aren't talking about a momentary snap then instantly apologising, it's full on, lasting moodiness when he should be being supportive and helpful to a partner in pain. I'm honestly shocked by how much eggshell treading you're suggesting OP does now and in the future.

OP - hope you're okay. It does sound like you're going to stick up for/are sticking up for yourself and I really hope this doesn't come up again. If it does, I think you really need to think about whether this has a future.

[pocketsaviour]

Hes held his hands up that we was selfish and uncaring, thing is he can't say why he reacted like that and that's the bit that bothers me because what will he be like next time?

So what is he going to do in order to change the way he reacts at times like this?

You've identified that works stress may be a trigger for him. Perhaps there are other things in his past which make illness a particular trigger? Was either of his parents or a sibling chronically ill when he was growing up?

Whatever the case, he needs to do some serious work on himself - probably involving proper in-depth therapy, as he's unlikely to be able to self-refer on the NHS. He needs help with re-writing his instinctive angry response, and that DOESN'T mean "Everything will be fine as long as you're not ill, or if you are don't tell me about it." It means more along the lines of "My DP is ill - it's okay, everyone falls ill from time to time, she is not in danger and neither am I. I am going to self-care by doing XYZ and I am going to make sure my DP has the support she needs."

If he cannot do this, you need to give serious thought about what that means for your future. Marriage should be a team effort. If one of you is down, the other should be picking up the slack - not huffing around bitching about how hard it is for them!

[springydaffs]

Any pp's work from home? It can be enormously stressful. To have an unforeseen event at an already panicky time can tip you over the edge. I have been VILE in a similar situation.

As for future children /life together: you are both finding out he deals badly with a situation like this - so in future you will cut your cloth accordingly. Learning to live together takes adjustment as you fit the pieces together: what works, what doesn't work. In future you'll both know he doesn't deal well with this set -up and, should children come along, you'll be prepared to make sure he eg works away from the home; lessens the pressure by taking practical steps to avoid a clash.

He has my absolute sympathy. So do you, of course, but your injury has effectively invaded his office at a crucial time. Not your fault or his, just the way it is: nothing personal. I'm not surprised he struggled to cope - and is remorseful in the aftermath.

[Naicehamshop]

Don't have a child with this man.

Please.

[Abecedario]

I'm a suspicious cynical oldish bag myself and I promise I don't have a shadow of a doubt there's nothing dodgy going on, other than him being a moody selfish arse. I know that's what they all say etc but trust me that I've been round the block enough times and as far as cheating/porn/dodgy stuff in that sense goes I know I can trust him.

As for the other stuff like can I trust him to be there for me when I need him? Well he's not shown me I can has he?

I have to say he's trying extra hard now, but it's a bit late. I'm not going to end it now, I do understand where people were coming from and I am taking on board the fact that I need to be wary, I'm going to keep stashing the money I save by living with him so that I've got options, and I'm not going to rush into anything. Hes held his hands up that we was selfish and uncaring, thing is he can't say why he reacted like that and that's the bit that bothers me because what will he be like next time? I know he will be lovely and nice, supportive etc now, but I need to see something actually changing i.e. If he's so stressed and work is getting to him so much and he hates working from home so much then he needs to either look for something else or take some steps to manage his stress levels.

[AnyFucker]

Are you calling me a suspicious old bag, DTA ?

actually I am

[DownTownAbbey]

How can he work from home and have babies if this is his reaction to people when he's stressed? Don't have kids with this man unless you expect to be a nuisance to him for 18+ years. TBH AF's response came to my mind (but then I'm a suspicious old bag ).

[Abecedario]

Regarding the financials - I was renting before this so sharing with him is a lot cheaper than that. The saving I'm doing is in my own account, and so I have a deposit to rent again if we split, plus a little over, leaving me in the same position as before or slightly better.

We split 50/50 and he's never scrimped on that, would never usually bat an eyelid over something so minor. The dog was mine before we got together but he'll often be the one to get dog food, or last week I took him to the vets and partner unprompted/unasked gave me the money for it saying it's his responsibility now too. Sometimes on a Sunday he'll take my car and fill it up for the week as he knows I always hate doing it and as he says he doesn't have petrol costs. So this is not something that would usually bother him, he clearly just wanted to be a dick about something! He's so organised and prepared for everything always and I can seem more scatty (though I've made it through some awful shit, held down a good career, am on my way to an MA and basically managed to survive nearly 4 decades doing things my way so ....). So I'm sure he'd have known about the dog groomer 6 months in advance and had the exact cash in a labelled envelope waiting, but sadly we're not all so perfect. He's said since, as he's in creep mode now, that of course I don't need to give him the money back.

In other news I had a message to phone the hospital back and it turns out there was a fracture after all. Today is his one day in work, he's offered to come home to take me back to the hospital to get it strapped up but I've told him not to bother my friend can take me. I'll probably then go back to hers for tonight at least.

[Mix56]

Imperial is right.
On the up side, you now have warnings & can observe & confirm this in time to beat a hasty retreat before it goes belly up.

[ImperialBlether]

There are two issues here.

One is that you can't rely on him for support when you're in need. It makes him angry. I wouldn't have a child with someone like that. You will need support, you won't get it and then you'll be crying saying you can't leave him as he's a great dad.

The other is the financial situation. He begrudged £10 for grooming a pet which presumably he shares, when he knew he was getting it back via the bank immediately and yet he owed you money for food? Again, I wouldn't have a baby (or buy a house for that matter) with this man - what's he going to be like if you were on maternity leave and didn't have any income at all? Imagine asking him for money all the time - it would be horrific.

You can see those red flags waving at you. If you don't get out now, seriously you only have yourself to blame when it all goes wrong.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

I know people all react differently under stress, but controlling your reaction is part and parcel of being grown up. If he can't do that, I certainly wouldn't want to be having children with someone like that. It would have an awful impact on them. Also agree with ScoobyDoo about you being in a very precarious position financially. In your shoes, I'd definitely be re-evaluating the relationship. Take some time and breathing space, and when you are back on your feet again, think about whether you really want someone who will constantly throw his toys out the pram whenever you're feeling low and vulnerable.

[QuiltedAloeVera]

He will not change.

He is not good enough. Don't pity him for that. Do not have children with him.

[scoobydoo1971]

Regardless of whether your partner is having a bad stressed out time or not, you have time at home now to reflect on your living arrangements. While you may see yourself marrying him and having kids with him, you should be aware that kids - even the best in the world - are stressful and a huge life adjustment. Throw in child sickness, lack of sleep, body and mood changes...it won't be much fun for you if you are parenting with an unsupportive husband.

You have left yourself wide-open to financial exploitation in this relationship. His name is on the house so all that money you are giving him counts for nothing if you separate. Your house-purchase savings should not be in a joint bank account or his bank account as he could take the lot if you break-up, and a legal fight would be expensive. You may think everything will be ok, but you have got to plan for an exit option too and having the capital to put a roof over your head from your own savings if you need to start again.

[AnyFucker]

My take on this is your unplanned stint at home has put the kibosh on something dodgy he had planned

His reaction is extreme.

[Kittencatkins123]

Sorry OP (and extra sorry because of your poor foot) but I think this behaviour is really worrying. If my OH hurt himself I'd be going out of my way to help and support him. Not snapping at him over tiny and inconsequential things that most partner's would be happy to help with (e.g. 'Loaning' a tenner that it sounds like he owes you anyway!). Maybe he is stressed at work but that's not an acceptable reason to be horrible to someone in pain and vulnerable. Also it sounds (and sorry if I'm reading this wrongly) like he's been like this before?

A good partner is supportive and kind, and if stressed leans on you not snaps at you. In this scenario he could offer you physical support, you emotional. Instead he's snapping, being a twat about money and asking you to leave!

Please don't minimise his behaviour. Ask yourself would you ever do this? And think about how much nicer it would be to have a kind, supportive, giving partner (like you sound to be!)

I won't say LTB (though in honesty, I probably would) but agree with PP - you have to tackle this head on, not pretend it isn't a problem, 'it's just stress' etc.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

[Allfednonedead]

If it helps, my lovely, supportive DH (I have major MH issues, so I really know I can rely on him) is a bit like this when I'm physically sick.

It makes him really grumpy and competitively ill. I don't really understand what's going on, but as he has amply proved on numerous occasions that he cares deeply and will not let me down in the big things, I've learned to live with it.
I'd still be wary, in your case, but it does sound like springydaffs might be right and it's about his stress levels.

[springydaffs]

I suppose he's finding it hard, impossible, to say ' I don't want you here, please go away '. Not bcs he doesn't want YOU bit bcs he needs to be on his own to get on with his work.

I know if I'm working from home, up against it with a big assignment I'm very anxious about, I could have the screaming an dabs if someone threatens to stay at home, for whatever reason. I just need to be ALONE to get on with it.

[Abecedario]

springydaffs I have to admit that's how I'm reading the situation, which really doesn't make it ok but I do believe it's more an explosion of stress rather than him actually caring so little about me or wanting to hurt me. I suppose you can say that I would want to see it that way, but he really has come through for me in the past and shown love, respect, care etc. Not just in the past but most of the time - does his fair share of housework, more probably. Stood up for me when people have been wrong. Really helped when I was job hunting and down about it. Brings me a cup of tea in the morning. Takes the dog out to let me in. Picks me up from the airport/station etc. Supports me in my goals. Encourages me to see friends/family. Came with me the first time I was seeing some family after a bit of an estrangement and I was nervous, cancelling his own arrangements to do so.

Now I sound like I'm making excuses and brushing it all aside. I'm not, I guess just illustrating how it's all the more confusing/upsetting when this happens.

I'm not going anywhere tonight because frankly my foot kills, I've taken some painkillers and all I want is my own bed (to myself, I shall suggest he sleeps in the spare room as he has to avoid knocking me anyway since I've hurt my foot/leg). I think tomorrow I'll tell him that as I'm clearly stressing him out, and as I need to recover somewhere I can relax and not worry about pissing him off again that I will go to my friend's for a few nights so we can both have a think about things. Not my sister, love her to bits but she has a houseful and doesn't need me cluttering up the place.

[springydaffs]

I didn't read your op in the way pp's seem to be. I read it that he's exploding with stress, it's got the better of him, you being at home (so he doesn't feel he can get in the zone with his work?) was the final straw.

Couples don't have to be joined at the hip. I think it's a good idea to go to your sisters. The fact the house is his name is irrelevant imo. Just get away from each other for a bit.

[SenseiWoo]

He hasn't got your back when you are down. He is good at tearful apologies but lapses back into the angry behaviour almost immediately. He can't explain it and 'doesn't know' why he does it (which is what people say when they don't want to admit or examine their behaviours). He is 'cautious' and 'stressy' about money (I suspect this amounts to not liking to share or spend it). He tells you he knows he is 'selfish' and a 'weirdo'.

Believe him.

I couldn't possibly say 'stay' or 'leave'. If you do stay, though, all the above needs to be thrashed out. Make sure your underlying assumptions about how you will live, who does what, what to do with money and how family life should be, are compatible with his.

Are you going to get a share in the house? How will you each protect your financial interests? Have you got the same values? Are you allowed to be moody and rude like him? What happens if you are?

What proportion of the time does he spend being an arsehole and can you live with that?

[scottishdiem]

It looks like a change to routine has really thrown him out of kilter. Which would make me wonder about kids in the future to be honest.

[laundryelf]

He told you to get out, even though he knows how vulnerable you are feeling living in his house! He had even decided where you should go so he had thought about what he was saying. He knew you were injured and unable to drive yourself but wanted you out of his way regardless of any difficulties it would cause you.
Please take notice of these red flags, you cannot trust or depend on him, I would make plans to leave as soon as you recover.

[Happybunny19]

Or he could just be suffering from stress at the moment and the thought of more responsibility while you're out of action tipped him over the edge. If this is not his usual behaviour I would let it go, but if it's his usual response when you're ill I too would think again before starting a family.