Have I married a corpse? (long whinge about my DH's lack of interest in...well anything actually)

[tinkerbellhadpiles]

I'm exasperated. I just got my daughter down after looking after her all day so DH could 'work' in his hobby studio (which to be fair brings in a little bit of money but isn't our main means of support). He's come in, sat down on the sofa and is reading the paper (and has been for the past TWO HOURS).
I suggested I get a parrot so at least I had someone to talk to and he just smiled and went back to reading the paper.
He says he is 'working really hard' in the studio and so can't help me with our daughter - as he has done for the past ooh about FOUR MONTHS, he's changed eleven fecking nappies since she was born 19 weeks ago, has NEVER put her to bed, says 'she doesn't want me, she wants you' at every opportunity and frankly I'm pig sick of it.
I've explained this to him rationally MANY MANY times, I've yelled at him, asked him how he is going to feel when his daughter turns round in a few years and asks why her daddy doesn't want to spend any time with her and he just says I'm being silly and that he DOES help. Yeah for about five minutes a day when HE wants to feed her.
If she craps herself he pretends not to notice the smell and then when she starts crying he hands her over so I can deal with it. I feel like flinging the nappy at him.
His father was pretty distant and I've discussed it with him and he admits that this is probably why he is distant (ha! he did admit it) but he isn't doing anything about it.
It's driving a major wedge between us because I feel so cheated. He said when I was pregnant that he'd help. But he seems to think that whatever he is doing (including spending up to 20 hours a week online chatting to his mates) is 'work' and what I do, well apparently that's what I'm meant to do.
I wanted to have another child, and I said to him 'how do you think I'm going to cope with two?' and he replied 'well other women do'. The whole bloody reason we both work part time from home is that we are supposed to share the load, or at least that's what I signed up for. Having said it's up to me to initiate sex round here so we've had it once since I had her so it's fairly unlikely to be an issue.
Oh and his invited his hoity toity neat freak friends round to stay tomorrow so they can get drunk with him while I put the baby to bed.
I feel like I'm married to a corpse such as the level of communication round here.

[frenchconnection]

Stitch.... What the fuck are you on? "looking after the baby is one person's job, usually the woman's?" What planet are you on?


My ex had your stinkin' attitude.

So i left him.

[foxybrown]

woo-hoo! A bit of the other works wonders, huh?!

any professional firms? Molly Maid etc? any au pairs with time who want to make extra money?
really pleased for you. My DH has been utter crap today, arriving home from being away and a late night last night, falling asleep and now taken himself into other room to fall asleep infront of footy, leaving me to entertain the children as I have been all sodding week, on my own ...best take some of my own advice!
And my first two are very close together too ...!

Hope he keeps it up (no pun intended)

[tinkerbellhadpiles]

The irony of it is we both want to hire a cleaner and can afford to - but we can't bloody find one round here (even paying £12 an hour!

Actually we had a VERY long discussion last night and things seem (touch wood) to be better. He's still not changed a nappy but he has put the washing on, made my lunch, made me four cups of coffee and spent two hours crawling around on the floor with DD. I guess it'll be a long process but we both sort of understand each other's point of view a bit more now.

Hope so anyway, because I have a funny feeling DDnumber2 may have been conceived last night

[BandofMothers]

No, I agree. My dh stayed at home for 6 months while I went to work, when dd1 was 8mths until she was 14 mths. He loved it, I hated it.

[foxybrown]

yes, and that our children have relationships with other people (i.e. their fathers) which are independent from us. But that is where the frustration comes in. When they are so young they are our world, so dependent upon us. its a lot to take on, but also we want our DHs to establish their own bond, and they can't do that if they don't participate can they? or am i talking cobblers?

[BandofMothers]

Agree fox. Love the baby part, but HATE housework with a passion.
Would much rather be playing with lo's.
Everyone needs a bit of time away from the babies though, or you'd go mad.
I don't think you can spend all your time with anybody, even your own dc's without freaking out a bit, and needing time away.

[foxybrown]

Thing is, I've never really minded the babies being my job. Its the crappy house stuff that seems to get lumped in with it that isn't just for one.
No-one ever wishes they'd spent LESS time with their kids do they? Its a bit sad he's not participating more 'cos he's gonna miss out.

[simplycontrolfreaky]

it is perfectly normal to want to kill your dh in a postnatal hormonal rage you know..... having a first baby is a huge shock for everyone..... things will settle down.... but he is being wholly unreasonable if he's behavinglike that. keep posting, you'll feel better for coming on here.

[TeetheCeeofDavedom]

But actually stitch I massively disagree with it being one persons job, that's utter bollocks.
If she's breastfeeding then that's her job and changing nappies and looking after his wife is his job.

[TeetheCeeofDavedom]

Oh sorry, I had completley missed you were brestfeeding, sorry, the red mist that descended over me clouded my vision. Sorry.

[wartywarthog]

you can go out the second you've finished feeding her and be back in time for the next feed. that should give him at least 2 hours to spend with her. i think the more he's around her, the more he'll want to do.

[BandofMothers]

Yes, def a pooey nappy to the head will get his attention

[foxybrown]

Its hard to make that initial step away, but it is only a step and he needs to learn. Do you feel ok about leaving her with him for a short time?
If he wants to spend all day in his studio, tell him to spend a bit longer in there and pay for a cleaner! Then you can enjoy your baby, not worry about the housework building up, and he won't be there to wind you up!! Failing that, chuck the nappy at his head. Just make sure its a good one!!!

[BandofMothers]

My dh didn't bath our dd1 until she was 2.8 yrs, when I was in hosp having dd2. Now he baths her all the time.
They can find lo's intimidating, but once they try things and it's not so hard they get the hang of it. (hopefully)

[stitch]

i think we are all giving advice from our own life experiences. decide on whats best for you tinker. but feel free to come and have a moan on mn. after all thts what its there for.
lots of luck

[fizzbuzz]

Can't you just hand her back when he passes her to you with a dirty nappy? (not that you can pass the poor thing around like a parcel!)

I think you need to be more obvious. When he is next doing his hobby, march in with dd, hand her over and say I'm going out, and will be back in xxxxtime, when she needs feeding again.

[stitch]

sorry tc, but i totally disagree with your advice.
leaving a bresstfed baby alone liek this is traumatic for both the baby and themom. the bloke is likely to go to his or her mom and give the babies mom a bad mother label to live down..its unlikely to help anyone.

if you are brestfeeding, then sit and enjoy the feeding. watch telly. whatever. just sit there. let him organise the house, the meals, the bills evreythinge lse. and just take care of the baby..enjoy that

[SenoraPostrophe]

well, yes, the baby does sit in a dirty nappy until someone decides to change him/her. That happens whether or not the father helps out surely?

a baby is the responsibility of at least two people. Usually one person does do more of the caring than the other(s), but that doesn't mean they have to do everything. and anyway "one person's job" doesn't usually mean "the main responsibility of one person"

[foxybrown]

Have you tried expressing yet? Perhaps you need a breather. I reckon men can be a bit scared of little, fragile babies - and feel a bit useless as we supposedly have all the maternal stuff going on so we automatically know what we are doing
Take an hour. Get a paper, have a coffee, leave him in charge with a bottle of your finest. He'll cope.
But I admit, I sometimes need to have a full on tantrum my 2 year old would be proud of to get DH's attention. Then he takes over with the kids and does a good job. Extreme measures!

[TeetheCeeofDavedom]

Go out for the day and leave him with his DD for the whole day. Chuck him in at the deep end and take soem time for yourself. Tell him you'll keep doing it till he comes to life and has some small input in your lives.

Tell him that if you left and he opnly got to see his dd every other weekend his life would be crap and a lot harder work then piutting in just a small amount of effort.

[stitch]

sp, one person's job, as in one person holding the main responsibilty. delegating when necessary, but still holding the main responsibilty.. or is the baby supposed to sit in a dirty nappy till either parnet decides to get up and clean it??
i agree with the idea that tinkerbell needs some time out, but she needs it in a responsible, organised way. just dumping the baby with an obviously unhelpful h is likely to just cuse her more aggro in the longrun.
lots of luck tinker

[Aloveheart]

my ex husband said when i was pregnant with my first child. that he would help and i couldn't do it all as he wanted to. He never changed a nappy, never bathed his kids in 8 years. Don't be a doormat like i was. Tell him tell him tell him. i know how frustrating it must be. He's being really unreasionable. He needs a kick up the bum, in my eyes.

[AngharadGoldenhand]

stitch -

[BandofMothers]

If he makes you do all the work with the baby then designate other non-baby things for him to do.
Esp things you can't do while bfing. A lovely little excuse for a sit down, for ex, cooking, washing up. Doing the supermarket shop, which is much easier without newborn in tow.
Laundry and all those other things you don't really get time for with a tiny wee one.
If he says "I work all day"
Say so do I, and all night too sometimes, what's your point???????

[fishie]

give him a specific job. doesn't really matter whta, but make him contribute towards the new unit of three.