Is my 20 year old son behaving like a spoilt brat, or am i wrong?

[feellikerunningaway]

I split up with my partner a few months ago. My son hates him with good reason maybe, my ex was always good to my kids but did have a lot of tantrums with me. I was a single mum before I met my partner and my kids seemed to think I was superwoman. I spoilt and pampered them with love and anything they wanted although I had little money, I suppose I was overcompensating, the single parent guilt kicking in.
They have seen my mental and physical health deteriorate over the years, my failed relationship was just the icing on the cake, its been a combination of things - the stress of being a lone parent for so long, being made redundant, depression and anxiety which was probably caused by a childhood I can't tell my kids about. It's all come to a head after all these years. Plus the constant physical pain im in.
I'm trying to help myself, I have finally after more than ten years been taken seriously by my gp and have appointments for counselling which I know I desperately need. I am also having a small procedure under sedation to hopefully ease my physical pain so I can walk and move about properly again. However, since I split with exp my son has been an absolute arse to me, his attitude stinks. He could see how much I was hurting mentally and physically and he never has one good word to say to me, not one. I've tried and tried to explain to him depression is an illness (and he should know, he's had it) and he just says he doesn't want to "listen to my bullshit". He bitterly resents having to help out in the house (and its a rather large house i'm struggling to cope with).
I don't ask him to do anything normally but since ive been in pain and on my own I've asked him to vacuum (not every day), put a bit of washing in, help with the cooking, empty the bins and make his own sandwiches for college. (Basically anything that involves bending or lifting puts me in severe pain at the moment).
The way he speaks to me on a daily basis is vile and depresses me even more. I have tried to explain it wont always be like this and as soon as I can solve my physical pain I can get to my appointments and work on everything else. My daughter told me that ds purposely smashed a bottle all over the kitchen floor the other day because i'd put it in the bin rather than the recycling. I only did that because at the time I couldn't walk as far as the recycling bin! I asked him why he did it? He could have cut the dog's feet to ribbons. He said because he felt like it, was sick of the shit.
The shit being this apparently - I have had no choice but to get back in touch with exp. I can't drive, I cant walk, I suffer badly with panic attacks. I have no friends local to me. There is literally no one else to take me to my appointments, no one. My mum can't walk herself, I have no other family within hundreds of miles. Ds is making things so difficult for me. Exp has been down (we aren't together, just on speaking terms now), cleaned the house for me, taken me shopping, is willing to take me to any appointment I need to go to. For all the problems we had, he has always been reliable and has never let me down once. Ds has point blank refused to let exp in the house so I allowed him in anyway while ds was in college. Ds found out and went mad. He has threatened to start trouble if he even sees exp's car on our drive, I've begged him not to, I cant take any more arguments and nastiness, that is NOT going to help my anxiety. I've told him, look, I don't expect you to be his best pal, i'm not saying you have to like him, but sometimes in life you have to tolerate people in order to help someone you care about, that's just how it works.
"fuck that" was his answer. (which is pretty much his answer to everything). I have been angry with ds to be honest but I haven't said anything. He's seen me wander around needing a bath lately but being unable to have one in case I have a fall. He's not even willing to sit by the bathroom door for five minutes because he has "my own life". When I think of the bloody hours I sat awake at night watching him breathe after he had an asthma attack, I feel so hurt.
Am I expecting too much of him? His best friend does more for me than he does! If he sees something, he cleans it up to help me. I hate saying this but my son just seems so spoilt and selfish.

[Isetan]

It always amazes me when parents essentially raise spoiled brats and then when they reach a certain age, suddenly expect them to be the opposite. You've made a rod for yourself and if you're not prepared to get tough and demand better, then guess what, he'll probably continue being a spoiled brat.

I'm glad your Ex is helping but I can understand your son's visceral reaction to his presence (even though his behaviour is mirroring your Ex's). Your Ex is the man who he watched abuse his mother, labelling the abuse as tantruming doesn't lessen the impact.

Op it's time to be part of the solution, which means you have to stop being part of the problem. Just like you, your son could be benefit from counselling too, his childhood sounds confusing and traumatic. He may well be belatedly acting out to events that happened in the past and your Ex's reappearance coupled with your temporary incapacity, could be triggers.

Even though your son's behaviour probably has complex and deep seated origins, it doesn't excuse it and for you and your son's sake you need to get tough, boundaries are pointless if there are no consequences for trespassing them.

[Olympiathequeen]

Forget DD talking to her brother, I thought she was 18 or so.

[Olympiathequeen]

Perhaps his nastiness is a fear reaction? Fear at seeing someone who had been so strong and coping and who made everything right in his world falling apart.

I think there's not much more you can do but what you are doing, and just hang in until things turn a corner. Is there any practical help,you can get from social care? Maybe dla?

Maybe DD can talk to her brother? I feel so sorry for the whole family and hope things improve for you.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

What I'm seeing here is a woman, who's refusing to put herself first. Who desperately needs to put herself first. The pecking order probably goes:

Son (because he was more difficult so got more attention)
Your mother
Your aunt
Your daughter
You

I don't know where your ex fits in this hierarchy but he was definitely above you, your dd and possibly your ds.

You've been giving your children the message that your needs are the least important for years. Your mother has been doing the same. Now you're hurt and bewildered that your son has no issue with seeing you in agony when in fact it was a pretty foregone conclusion especially considering the lack of decent male role model either in his father or in your ex.

Your mother is not your responsibility. You and your 13 year old daughter are your responsibility. Your ds is an adult. Your mother is an adult. TBH kicking him out to live with your mother would be a possiblility to solve both problems. He could look after her and he wouldn't be there to treat you like dirt. Perhaps he'll even start appreciating you. Or send him to live with his father.

You really are one of life's doormats and unless and until you start respecting yourself and demanding respect from others, you're not going to get it. Counselling will help. Your mother has trained you really well to attend to her needs and be a doormat. And you've trained your ds to be a narcissist just like his grandma and in the process reconfirmed your status as that of doormat.

[feellikerunningaway]

Bibbity sorry I missed the point there. I'm not depressed to the point that dd even knows, I fake it, smile and laugh, don't cry in front of her. Yes, I do stretch out on the sofa because im in pain and I am sleepy because of the painkillers, I cant help that.

[feellikerunningaway]

bibbity, I don't ask a lot. Tidy her room, put washing in the basket and don't throw stuff on the floor because mum cant bend to pick it up is all I ask of her.

[feellikerunningaway]

Makes sense, I've always been my mother's mother.

[midsummabreak]

www.willieverbegoodenough.com/narcissistic-mother-survey/

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

How does your dd fit into all this? I must say it sounds like you are asking a lot from your children. Not necessarily in terms of housework (although it sounds as though you are so debilitated at the moment that you can't actually do anything at all) but in terms of living with your extreme anxiety/depression. It is hard on other family members as you know from living with your mother and your ex. He sounds so unhappy in himself. Maybe family counselling rather than individual counselling for you?

[midsummabreak]

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder/

[feellikerunningaway]

Thanks midsumma, sorry I didn't see that post straight away

[feellikerunningaway]

and no, I cant sit on a stool for any length of time, or stand for any length of time thanks very much my spine is sitting on a nerve!! it doesn't matter whether I sit or stand, my leg still gives way!!

[feellikerunningaway]

Laungagelearner...erm excuse me, where exactly have I "blamed my son"? and asked for "payback time"? or indeed said im "handicapped". I have physical pain which hopefully can be resolved soon. Many thanks for your understanding.

[midsummabreak]

You can discuss your mother's alcoholism in front of your son without her present, for your own mental health.

[midsummabreak]

Having aids may indeed assist showering/bathing however the risk of falling may still require the presence of someone nearby.
I don't understand why op is being seen to be blaming her DS, if he is refusing to help when she is ill and attacking her verbally??

[feellikerunningaway]

Midsumma I cant , she's my mum, I just cant. She's too fragile. She will never ever try to help herself, its too late. She wont accept help, she wont ever admit she has a problem let alone admit it to a doctor. She wouldn't even let them into her house for a home visit when she couldn't walk. She's going to die and all I can do is slowly watch it happen, then watch my aunt blame me. It's always my fault.

[languagelearner]

So, you have physical ailments making it impossible to do anything at home, the family has just split up but it's unclear whether you've left your parter, or if your partner has left you. Mental health problems too, are currently trying to get counselling from the gp, cannot walk even the shortest distance, don't dress up or take baths because fo pain? You're still at your old house, probably with financial difficulties as well? You're always blaming your son ("ds is making things so difficult for me"). You say you put your anxiety in the first room and everybody else must comply, and you think it's payback time for taking care of him when he was younger ("after he had an asthma attack").

In that respect I think you should try to get aid from outside, and talk to your gp about how you feel about the situation and how hard it is for you to cope.

That said, if your son is living with you while going to colleage he should help out and do his share.

Why must your son sit by the bathroom door? If you're handicapped you ought to have a shower fitted in and can sit on a stool doing your hygiene? If you have a bathtub you should get one of these: Surely you can get one on prescription from your gp or something similar?

[Atenco]

Well I suppose then it is time for him to move out. Still doesn't help with your ailments, but at least you will cut down on the conflict. I don't live in the UK, but are you entitled to any home help considering the state of your health?

[midsummabreak]

I would stay away from your mother and aunt. your mother has been killing herself for a very long time and only she can choose to change that. Her liver will be shot to pieces, all very much her own doing.
Take your DS with you to the next Dr appointment and discuss your condition with him, in detail. Ask Dr if there is any possibility you can attend to heavier tasks, or if this may cause further issues with inflammation or pain. Ask your Dr what can be done to assist your mother who is an alcoholic, and drinks a bottle of brandy a day.

Your son needs to get real, and stop believing your mother's lies. You are doing him a favour by proving to him that this in no way your imagination.

[feellikerunningaway]

Even though their relationship was doomed from the start, ds seemed to prefer it to us, me without a partner. Even though we were a happy little lone parent family.

[feellikerunningaway]

He went through a stage of just wanting to be with his dad and his wife because they were like a proper family not a lone parent family, it broke my heart at the time because I couldn't help being single!

[feellikerunningaway]

Atenco, no to be honest as soon as my son hit 13 he was a nightmare and I wasn't with exp then didn't even know him. ds changed overnight became withdrawn, moody, dismissive.

[feellikerunningaway]

noncommittal, i'm constantly told i'm selfish for being ill. I'm starting to believe it. My ex did, (not now), my mum, my son, my aunt (for upsetting my mum by being ill).

[Atenco]

Ok, just putting this out there in case it rings any bells. Was he well-behaved before you split up? A friend of mine was in an abusive relationship for eleven years and after she split up with her partner her son in his late teens started to play up. In his case he had been on his best behaviour for six years because of the behaviour of his step-dad, so he hadn't gone through normal teenage rebellion to protect his mother, so he was only free to do so when the abusive partner was gone.

Not much help to you and I am so sorry you are going through this, sounds horrible.

[Ohdearducks]

So she's manipulative and abusing alcohol, do believe the things she says to you?