What is a 'normal' marriage?

[Mumtoahostofdingbats]

I'm interested to hear as don't think mine is. Can you let me know some typical things your husband does to support you/ show he loves you/ put someone other than himself first other than go to work. Thanks in advance. Need to know if I'm too demanding or am justified in feeling so sad and let down a lot of the time.

[TheNaze73]

For me, it's really straight forward.

Don't accept normal for a start, you're worth more than that.

You should be with someone, who's your best friend, can pull you up when you're being a twat, make you laugh, who you fancy the arse off of & who you would run through a brick wall for to help.

I think you should be your #1 priority & they should be your second. Obviously with children in the mix that changes.

[ThirdThoughts]

I'd take the opportunity of his offer to move back to where you want to live, near your friends and family if you have some who would be supportive. Depending on which country you are in, leaving the country with his permission might be the only option, you don't want to be in a situation where you are separated but stuck living abroad because he won't let you take the children home.

However, given his attitude, I would see it as the first step of seperating and wouldn't really expect him to join you. Pick a living situation that suits you and the children.

[Ellapaella]

I think I have a happy marriage. My DH supports me in everything I choose to do and has encouraged me in all my career choices. He is an 'equal' parent in that he doesn't assume that I do the majority of the childcare etc, he pitches in and does as much as me, takes time off work if the kids are ill, goes into work later and does the school run 3 days a week so I can start work earlier. We share money equally and take turns to have lie ins and time out for our own hobbies etc. Ultimately we share the same goals and have similar views on what we would like family life to be like. I feel 100% that the children are his number one priority that he will put them and me above anything else. He works very hard to provide so much for us and never complains. We are not perfect but very content. I have been married before and didn't have any of these things - I walked on egg shells and felt resentful a lot of the time. If you are questioning the happiness or normality of your marriage then there are probably some fundamental problems within it.

[Ellapaella]

You sound like you are missing 'home' though and could do with a wider network of support that you might get back there. Bless you, it's a tough situation to be in but you do sound very unhappy with the way things are right now.

[LaPharisienne]

This may sound stupid, but have you told him you're so unhappy you're thinking about leaving him? He might not realise how you feel... I'd expect a negative response initially because he will feel you're judging him and finding him wanting but press the point and explain yourself as much as you can without getting too upset? If he doesn't listen if course it may be game over.

My DP is a wonderful partner and father but is very, well, blokey ...

We are very, very happy tho and this is at least partly down to the fact that if I am feeling a bit passed over/ unloved (in favour of some engine or other)(!) I can tell him and he will listen and do something about it.

[DistanceCall]

I read recently that a study concluded that what good marriages have in common is generosity and kindness. I tend to agree.

www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

[Mumtoahostofdingbats]

Hmmm that's interesting as what I say to him most of all when I confront him and he says what do you want? I say for you to just be kind to me. He just isn't a lot of the time.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

He doesn't care about your happiness. Not only that, he's doing the opposite and making you miserable.
Generosity and kindness are ways of showing you re thinking of your partners happiness. This is why they're so important.
My dh works long hrs and has hardly ever bathed the kids or read them a story but that's not an issue for me as he does a lot of other stuff.

[fusspot66]

Back again OP. Grab that offer to go home with both hands. Women can be trapped in countries away from home when spouses refuse permission for them to leave. Of course he's probably threatening you should go home just to stop you complaining because obviously he's so very wonderful that you couldn't possibly want to leave him.

[Joysmum]

He's sick of you being ill and tired

My DH would be upset if I was struggling, not angry or irritable.

[loinnir]

Take the offer and fly!! If you tell him you are planning to leave he may block you leaving the country.

[ems137]

My husband is far from perfect. I'd love him to be more romantic and a little less lazy BUT he treats me as an equal, he tells me (occasionally) that I'm a good mum, beautiful and he doesn't ever want to be without me.

I do a lot for him but the minute I felt unappreciated I'd stop! I'm a SAHP now but when I worked he'd often make my pack up and have a cup of tea waiting when I got in.

Life is far too short to be in an unhappy relationship. You and your children would appreciate you being single and happy rather than miserable but together. You wouldn't encourage your children to be in this type of relationship would you? X

[Notashappyaslarry]

I'm afraid I cant offer you any support but reading your post was very similar to my own situation and how I am feeling at the moment. I too feel unhappy, sad and unloved and have for a number of years but it is affecting my health more and more as time goes on. All our discussions and differences comes down to finances and he has the final say which I think means I am not trusted and respected as it is mostly 'his money' so he gets to say how it is spent.
I think it must be very hard for you if you are living abroad without friends and family to help and if you could move back that may be the best option but like you I dont want to break up the family unit. Good luck

[Mumtoahostofdingbats]

So today I told him how I'm feeling. I told him how I feel he isn't kind or generous to me emotionally. That I don't like the way he speaks to the children. That I'm so tired of his anger problems and how he loses it over the smallest things .not necessarily at me but just 'being' angry all the time. He said he doesn't want to argue. He doesn't want to talk about it. He agrees he isn't that kind or generous and is frequently in a bad mood. We then had stuff to do and didn't discuss it further. I haven't been alone with him since (kids or friends around) I brought it up because after a day of foul moods and silent brooding yesterday he was all 'you look pretty today' and being affectionate. It's the ups and downs I can't take. He did have good reason to be upset yesterday (a serious issue at work) but it was a family day out and he sat on a bench all day and didn't interact whilst I took the three children around a theme park type place. I just think you have to put on a brace face around children and get on with it. It's what mum's do a lot of the time when we feel tired or stressed . We are still 'happy' and responsive with the children as far as we can be. Not sure what will be the outcome but I feel better he knows how I'm feeling. Ball is in his court now. Thing is, I just don't think he can change. 😢

[HandyWoman]

He doesn't want to talk about it. He won't change. Therefore ball is very much in your court.

[Mrskeats]

I'm about to enter a second marriage after a not great first one and am only getting married this time as my dp has shown me what a good relationship can be.
He's very thoughtful and unselfish and easy to live with. Great with my daughters also.
I would not settle for normal now.
Life is too short to be spent feeling unhappy.

[Msqueen33]

Your post is similar to mine same number of children tho two have Sen. My dh is quite tight financially and the last few months I've felt we are in a bad place. I feel unloved and unsupported. I'm a sahm and he works and I've said I understand in the week he's not around much and I accept it what I've struggled with is his lack of involvement in all the things regarding the kids like homework at the weekend. I need more emotional support. We've had numerous conversations and he's not changed (I read something recently that said if you told them how you felt and they didn't listen it's because the current situation suits them and they don't want to change it). I'm scared of going it alone. I know he'd be nasty (he can be low level aggressive) but I'm tired of walking on egg shells. I even said to him how I felt like he didn't want to do anything with the kids or be part of the family and he didn't even reply. Funny thing is his brother's marriage just broke up. I just want to feel appreciated and supported and that he wants to be with us rather than complaining he doesn't get much leisure time these days.

[ImprovisingNow]

GoodyGoody With whom I feel safe, cherished and valued

Definitely this. It brought a tear to my eye when I read it. All things I never had with my horrible exH.

[Hermonie2016]

Msqueen & Munro, absolutely right when you say it suits them.My stbxh didn't want to hear me talk about any issues, he preferred to just sweep it away.He was rarely supportive when I needed it.He was kind when he wanted to show it.
Why?
Mixture of reasons, he is selfish, has low emotional intelligence, had destructive parents who were physically & emotionally abusive to each other so that is his role model.I also felt he thought I would be unlikely to leave as financially he is in a strong position.
He said to me "but I'm good to you" and that summed it up, he gave me what he wanted when he wanted to, not according to my need.That's why it's unpredictable.I would get meals cooked or offers of cups of tea.He would buy me flowers for being a good wife and mum but if I needed/asked for something then it wasn't predictable.I could get kindness/indifference or anger.
I didn't trigger his responses, only his mood decided on the response.
Prior to the separation I recall being really upset and afraid of H and his only consideration was himself and what he had to put up with.It was the final straw.

My stbxh was excellent at childcare and household stuff, he was happy to iron his own shirts because it suited him.However if I was sick (rarely) and it clashed with his need (could be work or a hobby) he couldn't priortise me.If he did then he was resentful as felt I had controlled him.I certainly couldn't have a period of "neediness", such as illness for a period of time.Any empathy he showed was time boxed.

Stbxh had an abusive childhood and didn't have the secure attachment you need to maintain healthy relationships.Some people can heal but it requires insight, introspection and motivation.Why would your H be motivated if his life works for him?

I feel my h wanted the status and comfort of marriage but mostly would prefer never to have anyone rely on him.

[Msqueen33]

That's scary Hermonie2016. On paper on a "doing" level he sounds wonderful. My dh has always seen himself as a mature, kind and helpful provider. He's kind if it suits him. He's from a lone parent family and was worshipped (still is) by his mother and never lived alone. In part sometimes in my head I feel like I'm confused as I'm so use to him saying he's a really good guy. He's not awful. He'll nip to the shops for us, he works hard but there's an underlying level of selfishness that he doesn't see.

[MeetTheMartian]

hermione that sounds similar to my experience.
With one very big difference.
DH is often just not seeing things and as soon as I point out things to him,he can see how his behaviour is not on and he is changing it/being more careful.

And that mumto is the difference between a twat and a kind man who is a bit lost. One is saying he is sorry but carries othe same way. The other is genuinely sorry and will do his best to change.
Where do you think your H is?

[RickJames]

Since the night we met we have made each other coffee in bed in the morning. I think its like that with everything though - there is nothing that he does that i dont do for him. We stand up for each other (even on flimsy pretexts!) He is an appalling gift buyer, he has an outrageous flash temper which he immediately apologises for but is still so annoying and he is very stubborn. On the other hand, he is always full of chat and never lies. He is very invested in making sure that me and our son are happy. He is supportive of my business. If he buys himself something that i like, he'll buy me one. He laughs at my jokes. He thinks I'm clever. Its a miracle really, my parents marriage was so awful and bitter, i dont know how i ended up with a nice husband!

[Hermonie2016]

Msqueen, that is what was so confusing and kept me there for 15 years.His support was conditional and like slot machines could pay out sometimes.He never ever apologised and if forced to (last incident infront of older teens) it was completely insincere.'I'm sorry if you felt bullied'.

When he meets someone else they will think he's Mr Perfect and he is, until you expect him to support you.
He does lots of easy gestures, buying flowers, being complimentary, going to the shops to get night nurse or filling a hot water bottle for stomach cramps.Amazing isn't it and I initially felt so lucky to have met him however I feel I was being trained, like a dog, given treats for skills.You are being completely undemanding of me aka a good wife here's flowers.You still made dinner, cleaned the house, looked after children, whilst poorly, I'll go to the shops to get you medicine.

However when I was actually incapacited through surgery and another occasion with pneumonia I was left completely on my own emotionally and physically.It's so confusing as if I raised it he would find a way to blame me.He had to priortise me over his needs he would be resentful.

My friends all thought I was the luckiest woman alive but I felt I unloved for being me.
He gave me flowers weeks before we separated.I remember feeling hollow inside and thinking why was I not appreciating him.The reality was had I made any requests I would have been shouted down so the flowers were just a hollow gesture.

I would judge the quality of your relationship by how you feel you are treated over an extended period.Love is a verb, a doing word but some gestures (like words) are cheap and easy to give. If your gut says you are not loved I would listen.If you can't communicate how you feel or if you feel alone in your marriage, it's not a good marriage.

[Mumtoahostofdingbats]

hermione2016 what you said about wanting the status and comfort of marriage but would really rather no one needed him or got in his way. Bingo. Even somerhing as stupid as making a cup of tea or getting dressed, he will be intolerant of me in his space in the kitchen or stand in front of the mirror whilst I'm trying to put on make up to button his shirt??? It's like he can't share anything (he doesn't share food btw 😂😂) He had a dysfunctional family and his two sisters are both single parents (never married) I have to say he is seldom kind and never makes gestures like flowers or gifts.