Anyone experienced getting the silent treatment from a friend rather than a partner? How do you deal with it?

[Penguin13]

Been good friends with someone for about 15 years. At this point you would think we could be pretty honest and open with each other. I have a problem though. Whenever I do something that she disagrees with or offends her (which seems to be quite often as she is quite sensitive and we also seem to have quite different views about things sometimes) she goes silent on me or does the whole passive aggressive letting me know I have wronged her without actually telling me what I have done to upset her until such time as she deems I have been punished enough. She would probably say she was 'too hurt' to talk before then but I am guessing since she doesn't actually communicate! After the event she will just go back to 'normal' without whatever it is having been discussed and resolved.

I am once again in the dog house - although for once I know what I have done - but despite messaging her to apologise as I can see her side on this occasion and wanted to smooth things over, I have had radio silence for just under a week. I just hate this whole dynamic of not talking about things in an adult manner. (In case you are wondering why I messaged rather than calling she can't talk on the phone.) This is such a usual pattern of behaviour that I anticipated the silence from the moment her DH messaged me on her behalf to let me know she was upset

I really don't want to lose her friendship, it's not just a question of longevity, she has so many lovely qualities and can be so thoughtful and caring, but I am really struggling with this aspect of our relationship. It is so wearing wondering what I am going to do next to offend her and it's hard to act authentically when I am trying to operate within 'the rules' and tread on eggshells.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice on how to deal? I have a horrible feeling someone is going to tell me I need to have a direct conversation with her about it but I am worried that it will just make everything worse or I will say the wrong thing again. Is it unreasonable/unrealistic to expect something different from a real friendship? There has to be a way to have different views/ways of doing things sometimes, or even be human and make mistakes and bring able to talk it through without all this stress surely?

[Penguin13]

It's an interesting theory although i'm not wholly convinced. Communication in general is certainly more challenging for her but she lip reads and speaks extremely well and we can converse normally face to face. If she wanted to discuss rather than writing all it would take was to arrange to meet. Additionally, because messaging is our usual mode of communication when not together I don't see why being annoyed should suddenly make it more challenging. That said, I am not the one who is deaf so perhaps it is more of an issue than I perceive.

[MissKG]

I thought something like that might be the case. It probably explains some of the ongoing passive aggressive behaviour as she gets too annoyed and probably frustrated to 'text' it all out.

[Penguin13]

Hi Miss KG. You're not too far off base in that my friend is profoundly deaf hence not being able to chat on the phone but we usually message a lot on WhatsApp so it isn't that she can't 'chat' for herself. I left it out of the op as I thought it was a bit identifying if she should stumble across this thread but to be honest she would probably recognise the situation from the other details anyway.

[MissKG]

I'm assuming from OP, that friends DH is calling on her behalf because OP's friend is ill and it involves her mouth or disabled and it affects her mouth? Not that she is just refusing to talk. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

[Penguin13]

Thank you so much everyone for your helpful and thoughtful responses. I think stepping back a bit and protecting myself emotionally could be a good move. One factor in our relationship having become so unbalanced I think is that contrary to what some PP have posted I think people can change for the better and I have changed an awful lot since we met. Over the years we have known each other I have made some mistakes and maybe not always been the best friend and I think this put me in the default position of being grateful for them bring friends with me. We are talking a good 5-10 years ago now though and at some point I think you have to move on from the past and recognise that the vast majority of people do things they regret when they are young and inexperienced.

Someone up thread mentioned upbringing having an effect but what I find strange regarding communication style is that within her family they are extremely direct with each other and don't seem to have a problem displaying emotion be it negative or positive. It only seems to be to people outside of the family that such umbrage is taken and offences discussed at great length.

Have taken the first step anyway. I had some Christmas presents for the family I had planned to deliver by hand but posted instead. It cost me a bit but worth it for the mental distance I think. I also plan to visit a bit less which won't be too hard as I have a another baby on the way and will no doubt have my hands full. I am an introvert by nature so naturally find interaction even with friends somewhat taxing but always come away from a visit there feeling particularly drained.

Thank you again everyone for your insights and advice. I know this method of gathering opinions is naturally biaised as you have only really heard my side but a lot of what you have said has validated what I was thinking but couldn't voice.

[SeaEagleFeather]

bloody hell addhock that post is spot on

[MrsDesireeCarthorse]

I'd have replied to her husband's text with 'When she is willing to tell me that herself, I will discuss it with her.' Not him. Not his business.

And when she texted back, I would reply, "I have had enough of you ignoring me every time you get upset. Talk about it with me like an adult, please, so we can move forward. It is really starting to damage our friendship."

If she goes silent again, friendship over. What she is doing is a form of bullying, and a pathetic one at that.

[AddHock]

Penguin – coming on a forum like this suggests that you’ve recognised that something now needs to be resolved about the troublesome element of your friendship with this other person.

From what you’ve said, the behaviour that concerns you is:

1. your friend not acknowledging that you have the right to express
   your own views or opinions (in effect, that they have no validity
   because they do not align with hers);
   
2. your friend withdrawing her friendship when it suits her with the
   object of punishing you when you ‘step out of line’;
   
3. your friend not permitting any honest dialogue between you about
   the workings of your friendship; and
   
4. your friend’s behaviour being at times so implacable that in order for
   your friendship to continue without any more difficulties, you may
   have to be prepared to modify your own conduct significantly when
   dealing with her.
   
   I have to be honest with you – this does not measure up to my idea of friendship, as it appears that the honesty and empathy only work in one direction.
   
   You say:
   ‘I am frustrated as I know I will find it very difficult to confront this behaviour but I don't see how I can allow it to continue without challenging it if our friendship, which I still firmly believe is worth salvaging, is to survive.’
   
   For your own sake I’d agree that it is important to challenge this behaviour because it appears to belittle you as a person. But a direct confrontation would probably provoke a flounce of gigantic proportions, which you would find very upsetting, especially as you would probably be made out to be the ‘baddie’.
   
   Do you think you might have shouldered more than your share of responsibility for this relationship, and you are beginning to recognise how unfair this is? Might it be less painful for you to gradually withdraw from the friendship, and let the distance this would create between you and your friend give you back some peace of mind?
   
   If you were challenged, you might feel like putting some of the points above in writing. I’m not confident that any of them would be accepted, but for once your thoughts and feelings would have had legitimate expression.
   
   This is merely the opinion of someone on an online forum, but I’m venturing to respond to your posts because I’ve found from personal experience that someone else’s objective view of a situation can throw a different light onto the problem.

[toptoe]

Sadly you can't change her behaviour. This is it - this is how she'll always be. Are you sure her nice qualities aren't just part of her controlling nature? Are her gifts given with conditions? Step back and look at the whole of her. Getting her dh to have a go too - that's a flying monkey right there. Getting upset at any perceived slight - she's definitely judging your every move, whilst seemingly the shit doesn't stick to her. Blaming you for her dh's shit stirring.

Honestly, if you look at the whole picture what is the point in this 'friendship'? It sounds to me like she's using you to get gratification. Use is abuse. I'd just let the whole thing cool off and disappear. If she asks why, tell her straight you're fed up with walking on eggshells and I bet you the shit will hit the fan. Lots of tears, telling you and everyone else how nasty you are, sending in flying monkey dh to tell you how you've upset her.

Don't accept behaviour you wouldn't do to someone else.

[Rainbowshine]

It seems to me that she (and her family) are what I call "the professionally offended" and the over dramatic behaviour is like an addictive drug to them. They actively seek tiny misdemeanours out in order to get their fix of being superior and aghast at other people.

In your situation I think I would just gradually see less and less of them and definitely stop worrying about what you may have done, because in all honesty it could be as ridiculous as wearing the wrong colour socks for people like that.

[IrenetheQuaint]

Yes I think you should step back a bit mentally too.

In my experience of friendships it is quite natural to get slightly annoyed with people occasionally and want a bit of space to get over it... mostly these situations resolve naturally and are much easier than having a Big Discussion which so often gets fraught and ends up with both people being more entrenched in their original position.

However, her passive-aggressive behaviour and her DH's ridiculous text suggest that this is much more than that. Life is too short to spend time agonising over what you've done to annoy her this time. You don't have to ditch her altogether, but prioritising other saner friends seems like a good plan at this point.

[SeaEagleFeather]

perfectly's advice is great.

It might be an idea to step back a bit mentally. Not fully, just a bit of a distance just to protect yourself. Her good qualities sound lovely but walking on eggshells is no good for -anyone-. You dont realise how it gets you down until it stops. So a bit of mental reserve can protect yourself; enjoying her fun qualities but not quite relying on her.

Alternatively, could you directly and gently challenge her? "If I upset you, can we talk about it? if we can resolve something then things might go easier"

Trouble is that if she's been brought up in this passive-aggressive style, it'll be entirely normal for her. It's -really- hard to break, though direct talking is far more constructive. So really it's down to your gut instinct as to if she'll respond to a direct talk.

[loobylou10]

As long as you continue to ignore her sulking, you are allowing this cycle to continue.
It's not how adults behave and you need to call her out on it.
It must be exhausting, waiting for the next episode. Don't let her treat you like this.

[Penguin13]

It's been interesting to hear the perspective of others who have been there. Strangely, I would never accept this behaviour from a romantic partner. I might have once but these days that kind of game-playing would get pretty short shrift so I don't know why I have accepted it from my friend. I guess partially because she is so firm in her opinions that it is easy to start questioning whether you are really in the wrong and also because it was always just enough that I wondered if i was magining it/being paranoid and if I questioned the silence sometimes I would just get the old, 'sorry i' ve been busy' chestnut (though never too busy to post on Facebook for example) leaving her safe in the knowledge that she had made her point without ever speaking directly.

She has actually now got in touch regarding a birthday present I bought her (which if I say so myself was a dammed good gift ). On the one hand she thanked me effusively, on the other hand her message about it made no reference to our disagreement and ignored the messages I had sent and were ignored which were literally directly above them in WhatsApp So once again we are back in the last bit of the cycle with nothing having been resolved. It's almost like because nothing is ever actually properly talked about and forgiven I feel like there is an invisible tally somewhere with black marks being entered against my name each time a misdemeanour happens.

I am frustrated as I know I will find it very difficult to confront this behaviour but I don't see how I can allow it to continue without challenging it if our friendship, which I still firmly believe is worth salvaging, is to survive. Naturally if I say anything at this time of year I will have ruined Christmas for the whole family although it would probably actually be their perfect present to have something to be really outraged about

[TheMagicFarawaySleeps]

Penguin - I have just had this from a family member (who was also the school Alpha Mummy, strangely). Unless things were done her way, she would sulk. She would then stop all communication until she had decided to 'forgive' the offender. Invariably, the offence would have been having a different opinion.

She cut me off for two years after my DGDad died, never explaining why until two years later. Apparently I said something to her DH which she didn't like, but primarily, she cut me off because of the actions of my DM .

Anyway, she is now furious because I have called her bluff and now have stopped contact via cards, presents etc. She has roped other family members in to be cross at me too. Because she is the victim!?!

Seriously, please cut your losses and move on. These game players are pains in the arse.

[Penguin13]

Well done anonymous for standing up for yourself and getting out of that relationship. It definitely doesn't sound like he valued you.

[dollyollymolly]

She sounds very tiresome. I'm not sure I could be bothered with her.

[Poocatcherchampion]

anony you made the right call there. That is not a loving relationship

[georgethecat]

Have had a few friends like this in earlier years - cutting them out & rolling on was the best thing!

[NeighTrumpSnort]

Well....I know that you have had a long friendship but is it really worth all this angst and hassle.

If she valued your friendship then she'd treat you better.

Not sure I could be bothered with having to second guess myself and watch what I say just incase she might react negatively

[Atenco]

No, she is not going to change, or at least she would first have to realise that there is a problem, which does seem to be the case.

My mother was like that a bit. After she died an aunt told me that nobody had been allowed to get angry when they were growing up. There were four children in a tiny terrace house and anger was forbidden. So of course my mother got an ulcer instead and never learnt those complex ways of negotiating a problem with other people. But at least she was aware that it wasn't good to be that way.

[MrsT2007]

Honestly, I'd wait and see.

I had similar. Someone I considered a friend who just started blanking me. I knew she'd had a rough time recently and even texted to offer help (no reply) only to receive a drunken rant at midnight one Friday night.

Instead of discussing things face to face or being a grown up she resorted to radio silence and pissed texting.....So after I apologised for any of my part of the problem, I've blocked her number and basically shut it off.

If she wants to behave like a spoiled child then so be it. As she's also the school 'alpha mummy' I've distanced myself from helping with events etc too.

She owes me an apology and until I get it then I will be civil and no more.

I'm very much of the opinion now that life is too short to waste time and energy on trying to please people who cannot compromise or apologise.

[QueenLizIII]

She isnt going to change. One friend cutting her off hasnt made her rethink it.

She doesnt get it. She is the victim everytime.

Her DH texting you alerting you that you've upset her. Is she 2? Id have asked her dh to convey back that you wont ever be upsetting her ever again. Permanently.

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

Unlike the other posters, I never had any friends like this! It is totally out of the acceptable behaviour for friends. My friends are never offended, never blank me etc. That's just not an adult friendship at all.

I'd not be keeping going with this one, they seem to enjoy being offended and having someone to gang up on (you). I'd just make new friends as this is not within any norm I've ever experienced, my friends aren't like relationships, we tend to be easy-going, overlook minor issues and enjoy each other's company when we get together, friends are people you choose and it's very different than family or even your primary relationship.