This is an invitation I shouldn't accept, right?

[BumDNC]

Basic outline. I have a recently new boyfriend for 6 months, don't live with him. I have 2 DC. Good relationship

I have a few male friends, mostly who I know through work and such like, married or unmarried - friends/colleagues. None of us work in the same building anymore but we seem to have stayed in touch (but separately - we aren't a group of friends although we all know each other) and this is via occasional emails or text and 99% of any chats is work/organisation related or just 'hey how are things'. Boyfriend knows I speak to these blokes in this capacity as I have mentioned them in passing probably. Nothing untoward has ever occurred in my mind.

one of them is the type what I would class as 'knowing he's a good looking bloke' (he is, I cant deny it - he isn't ugly) and I have partaken in a fair amount of ribbing him about his ego. We've had some really good work related laughs over the years. He's married and has kids and even when I was single we have never overstepped any lines in fact he spent a while trying to set me up with a single colleague which never happened.

Recently he has been contacting me more frequently, initially about work stuff and now he has invited me to something, it is not 1:1 it is an event. I was polite and said hey well maybe I could pop by and that I could bring my boyfriend - who is now busy on that day. I told my BF about whether he fancied going (sounds fun anyway) but he can't. Work bloke is keen for me to come, and I could go with my friends but I'm not sure it would be appropriate for me to go at all. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, neither of us are single and although yes he isn't ugly, he's a cocky so and so and that's not my cup of tea. I'm concerned turning up without my BF would give off the wrong message and I'm also concerned he might be looking for something on the side, I have literally nothing to base this on apart from a gut feeling, so maybe i am the one with a big ego here?

I'm not going to lose any sleep over it if I miss it but I am a notorious over thinker. It could be a good laugh with some mates. But I was thinking that I know he is married and made no mention of his wife tagging along and if I was the wife I am not sure how I would feel about my DH essentially going on a night out to meet a female colleague

[BumDNC]

I think where I am going with this is this type of scenario that could risk putting distrust in my new relationship.

Him: how was your night out?
You: good thanks, well apart from X was a bit of a sleaze he got drunk and tried it on. I told him to fuck off and went home
him: oh right. Nice friend judges Bum's judgement and wonders or all her mates are married sleaze creeps
Me: yeah well I shouldn't have gone because I had a feeling he was flirting a little but but I went anyway
Him:

Kind of made my own mind up! BF is worth more than disappointment of work friend that I can't go to his event.

[Radbadsad]

From your follow up messages you already seem to have decided how the evening is going to pan out, so it's possibly better that you don't go as you might spend the whole evening on edge trying to second guess colleagues every action. However,if new boyfriend is the type of guy to judge you because someone who is married and knows you have a boyfriend tried it on with you, then I don't think much of BF's attitude.

[EvenTheWind]

Don't go if it would make things awkward or uncomfortable for you. Not because you don't want to let your BF down.

I agree with your decision not to go, by the way!

[BumDNC]

I've fucked up. I went anyway because everyone wanted to go as I had already invited them. I could have not gone but I did. I was the drunk one. Nothing bad or physical actually happened But there is clear sizzling chemistry between us at this point - it's def moved totally out of friendzone in that sense, or well he just wants to know I like him for his ego (highly likely) and I am so fucking annoyed with myself. It's really put into question whether I should be with my poor lovely BF. and that I am a shitty person for going along when I knew it could end up this way. It's not a self esteem thing - I don't think I want to be wanted. He's sexy and I have tried to pretend he isn't!
I've been clear with work guy that we can't be mates and as we don't have to see each other at work we should not communicate anymore.
He is married and i am not a scummy cheat. Argh
Don't like myself very much right now

[eddielizzard]

ok - sense of perspective. you haven't done anything wrong. you've told him you can't be friends and that's good. you know you can trust your instincts now. i actually think this was positive. the only question really is: why are you questioning your relationship with your bf?

[BumDNC]

Thanks
I kind of think I don't fancy him as much as I would like to. He is the nicest lovely man and we do have very good sex but I'm worried whether I am deep down fatally drawn to these kind of situations. Many years ago when I was younger I shamefully did sleep with someone who had a girlfriend because he was just so bloody attractive

[Charley50]

Maybe there is also a hint of forbidden fruit about it. You know you shouldn't have him which makes you want him. (Yuk he'd cheat on his wife - deeply unattractive behaviour).

With your DP you know he wants you and you feel secure with him, so you want him less. You're subconsciously looking for drama and a boost to your self-esteem. (Armchair Freud)

[Scooby20]

So you do fancy him. That's why you went. Deep down you wanted to know what would happen.

You haven't done anything wrong. But it seems like it's leading that way.

You felt uncomfortable tried convincing everyone (and you) you didn't fancy him and knew going was a bad idea. But you still went. What happens next time?

Stop now regardless of your relationship. This guy isn't single. You don't want to be an OW.

[BumDNC]

I honestly did think I did not realise I did fancy him. I acknowledged he's good looking because he bloody knows he is. What is most annoying is that he isn't an attractive person - he's arrogant and quite a twat, also at least considering cheating on his wife - pushing those boundaries of it. He's funny but that's his one good trait.... See now I'm not with him I realise I don't really like him and he's not attractive to me. There is no logical reason for this attraction/chemistry crap. I just don't like what this says about me as a person and stupid choices I make. Which isn't the first time I have made a bad decision.
A next time would be a terrible idea. It's done with now, I know I was a twat to go along, why did I do it?!!

[BumDNC]

I think it's probably good there are no emotional ties here to be cut. I don't like how it made me feel, that chemistry thing where you literally just want to have sex with them there and then feels like you have lost control of your own mind - booze was a terrible idea.
Armchair psychology of myself, I have always been prone to bad sex choices in this way - just get totally caught up in how it makes you feel rather than anything else. I used to like the feeling of 'the chase' when you met someone you fancied the pants off and the whole flirting and anticipation, and I was naive enough and stupid but a few years ago I was dumped and humiliated by a complete arsehole and after that I hated flirting and the anticipation and not knowing.. so I finally meet a lovely man and deep down part of me doesn't really want him. As it gets more serious I panic? Then drawn into/go looking for something exciting and lie to myself about it?

[EvenTheWind]

Breathe.

It is ok.

Your instincts were right and you went against them. You have taken steps that this doesn't happen again.

Having chemistry with someone else doesn't mean you are in the wrong relationship - as you said, you don't actually like this guy, whilst you do like your BF.

Stick to your plan and stay with your BF, see how you feel once this turmoil has passed.

[BumDNC]

It's opened up some other horrible feelings I think.

[EvenTheWind]

Sounds like it

Learning how to have better relationships is a journey, not a teleport. This is another stride forward. You haven't fallen off the road.

[Scooby20]

You made bad decisions in the past. I would guess you view your boyfriend as a 'good decision'. Is that why you are with him?

Do you just feel like he is a sensible choice?

Maybe just take some time to deal with your feelings and really look at why you are with you bf. Are you with him because he makes you feel like you have moved on from your mistakes in the past. He is physical proof you are making good decisions?

He maybe be a good choice. But that's doesn't mean he is the right bf for you.

I hope that makes sense.

[YetAnotherGuy]

I don't like how it made me feel, that chemistry thing where you literally just want to have sex with them there and then

I think that is a common feeling for most men. Doesn't necessarily mean that your BF is wrong for you though

[Cricrichan]

You shouldn't feel like this 6 months into a relationship. As nice as your bf is, I don't think he's the man for you. You should be besotted with him at 6 months. If you feel like you do already then you might end up cheating or deciding to split up with him when it's gotten more complicated (eg house together, kids etc).

[EvenTheWind]

Disagree, cricrichan.

[BumDNC]

Yes he does feel like a good decision in some ways. He's also just a brilliant person. I probably don't deserve him. He is good for me and he makes me feel safe, respected and adored but never stifled or anything. We have never had cross words and still have fun but I think we could have more passion and fire but then that could lead to rows and falling out and might not look like a good relationship.
Sex with my BF last night was very good, but I couldn't orgasm not matter what either of us tried and I couldn't keep my mind from wandering - this is what doesn't help.
Also I need to broach with BF about going to the GP... (which I already have multiple times). I think he has an issue with stomach acid and can get bad breath which is not good for me...

I wouldn't live with him and we don't want more kids so I am not going to allow it to get more serious if I can't get my feelings straighter