i think I'm having a midlife crisis

[Fattiefattie]

Right I just need to vent a bit and get this off my chest.

Total cliche. Works do. Booze and colleague. Both married.

Big party to celebrate a huge milestone after months and months of absolute graft.. Very boozy, no holds barred, lots of dancing and hugging and general silliness and merriment amongst everyone. Things got a bit out of hand and weird with one colleague. Started fine, chatting and hanging out at the bar. Others joined us and came and went. I got really drunk and we had a really good laugh and I danced a lot of the night away.

I'm a bit of a social smoker but haven't done so in ages but headed off with this colleague for a smoke. A few others joined us but as we went outside he put his jacket round my shoulders (didn't ask for it) and sort of stood with his hand on my back. So far so good - he's quite a lot older than me and I thought perhaps it was a bit of a paternal thing. I had patched up one of the twenty somethings earlier in the night and given him a hug on one of the sofas so seemed innocent enough.

Then as the night progressed into the wee hours I became aware of quite intense eye contact from him. About ten of us ended up in a nightclub. I was really drunk by then and couldn't drink anything else and sat in a booth with a few of us. It ended up just the two of us and he came and sat next to me and I remember thinking yikes he's pressing his leg against mine. He asked me to go back to his suite with him. He basically said that I'd let loose already and it was up to me how bad I wanted to be but he wanted me to come back with him. Quite matter of fact really. We then had this quite frankly mental discussion where I reminded him that he was married etc. He's very senior in the business (I'm relatively senior too but not at board level). He's very matter of fact and steely - have seen him in action at work. He would need to be to get where he has. His 'position' on this was that he fancies me a lot and I must know that. It was really surreal - he basically said that I'm great at my job and funny and I can't say the rest - not crude but is just to cringey to write down.

Nothing happened BUT

I had to give myself a bit of a slap a few months ago when i realised that I was checking out the car park for his car when I got into work and was disappointed when he was travelling for business or when I was. He used to come by my desk for no real reason and if he saw me working elsewhere in the business he would always come and sit and have a chat. We've had a sensitive employment issue to deal with related to someone in the business and lately had a fair amount of face to face time on a one to one basis. We do get on great in a work context and get shit done. I really respect his decision making and drive.

Nothing happened and I went back to my hotel alone and he to his. A few things though - I'm worried that things will be different at work. I'm worried that other colleagues might have noticed something in the air on the work do. I have a big event with him in a week's time that I can't get out of. There will be 7 of us but usually we would travel together and I don't know how to deal with it. He would also usually be an ally. Is he going to ignore the entire thing/address it. How do we move on with dignities intact? I don't know if he will be different or cold now.

Also - I AM massively drawn to him and I think that perhaps I have caused the whole thing by being too open and friendly. Stupidly I thought the fact that there was a significant age gap kind of neutered it.. I so wanted to kiss him that night. I knew I couldn't but I feel guilty even thinking that way. I am also glad that I made sure we stayed with colleagues too as I think it could hhavve got out fo hand if we'd been alone. I need to deal with this feeling. I also feel that I was perhaps responsible - did he see that in me somehow??

Urgghhh. I have seen him briefly since - I was with another colleague and he popped his head in to see how we were feeling. My colleague took a call and he looked me straight in the eye and smiled so hopefully he won't be a dick about it all and we can forget it ever happened but I am in a spin about it all and this big upcoming event.

[Fattiefattie]

Update- the world didn't fall over. Brief email exchange a few days later off back of work email re drinking a bit too much and dreading coming in. All fine - no issues. All v professional since. BUT I am battling a school girl silly crush. A helpful side effect of which is to avoid and be a bit aloof but I need a slap to come to my senses. If I wait it out I think it will pass - too old etc and not objectively especially attractive. Need a system. Pathetic.

[Dozer]

But that's not all your regular chats with him privately and at your desk were about, was it?

Hugging/boozing/"patching up" colleagues/talking at length on such a night out with a colleague you know you're attracted to. Not professional.

[Fattiefattie]

I take your view upto a point but I can't do my job without having one to ones when dealing with sensitive employment matters. Negotiating a settlement for one of his employees. Dealing with highly confidential information.

[Dozer]

? The OP makes it all clear: OP and this lecherous colleage had breached professional boundaries with each other well before that evening, and during it in the hours before he came onto her.

Eg frequent, lengthy "one to ones" .

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Well, opinions obviously vary, Fattie, most posters have been supportive of you. I don't think Dozer's posts are very illuminating so not helpful to you really.

I think you'll be ok at work and you've not gone down a dangerous road that you could have. I wouldn't worry about it any further now.

[Fattiefattie]

Ok not going to even try and defend myself. Perhaps you're right.

[Dozer]

numerous examples in your OP.

[Fattiefattie]

Why so Dozer? Boozy incident aside.

[Dozer]

His too of course.

[Dozer]

Your boundaries and professionalism sound poor, way before the boozy incident.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Fattie, I'm really glad if my post helped you. There just aren't enough women in senior positions and it's still very much a man's world, particularly as you get higher up the ladder.

If you look at how the men in your organisation behave (ignore the bad behaviour you wouldn't want to emulate anyway), I would mirror it. Women have (I think) a tendency to over-worry, show concern far more than a man would and whilst other women would see it for what it is - worry, concern, etc. - I think men can wrongly pick this up as weakness.

No harm done and I'm sure you'll handle this man brilliantly when you're next in his company. I imagine that he'll read signs pretty well, a bit like a cold-reader, so you won't have to do much but the way I would handle it is polite-indifference-with-a-puzzled-air if he mentions the night again.

You love your job - you've earned it - and I don't ever want you to be in a weakened position because I'm saluting you and your achievement! :)

[Fattiefattie]

LyingWitch you talk a lot of sense. And I do know exactly what you mean re corporate life. This is the only job I ever really really wanted. I love it. The very collegiate atmosphere perhaps lulls me into behaviour that isn't that professional. Noted re hugging anyone. Will stop from here on in.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

You have obviously had a bit of a 'thing' for him for a while now if you were checking for his car in the carpark. You need to own that because your opening post comes across a bit wide-eyed and innocent - and it actually isn't BUT...

The good news is that you didn't actually 'go there', you could have and you didn't so, the way to treat this is like any other day... go into work, be professional and, if he has the temerity to bring it up (and I don't think he will at all because he is quite frankly probably used to this kind of thing), then just say, "Goodness me, drink got the better of me and it's best forgotten now.". You're blaming alcohol and whether it is that or not, the sanest thing would be for you NOT to drink on these events or stick to just one. Reason being is that if you think alcohol is your lever then it will give you some sort of permission in your head that this is ok when it isn't.

You're senior at work. This has the potential to mess up your career on a grand scale if you don't nip this in the bud right now. It's actually worse with you being senior yourself because he could get you fired - not moved - fired and your name muddied in your industry. Sad but true. Don't give him any reason to do that; he's in the wrong too but nobody said corporate life was fair and I know you know what I'm talking about here.

No more cosy chats and no more eye contact - and please stop hugging colleagues, any of them, you're not their mum and you don't need this aggro and potential for line-crossing. Be professional and encourage your subordinates to do the same. I winced a bit at your hugging of a younger male colleague. Don't do that.

So, all's well that ends well - if you don't fuck it up. It's all in your hands.

[Fattiefattie]

I suppose that's what I'm trying to say that by responding to him, the cosy chatting and eye contact that I did lead him on. I don't know- is it just semantics or am I missing the difference?

[AnyFucker]

I didn't say you had "led him on"

That still puts him in control, acting in response to you.

How about taking responsibility for how you responded to him

There is a subtle but important difference

[Blobby10]

Fattiefattie well done on stopping! I was in the same position as you - little sex, no passion, just great parents together - I went through a phase of drinking, loving the attention i got from my flirting, responding to texts from other men - I never had sex with anyone else but got close.

Your last post smacks of you taking on the whole blame - 'i must have led him on...' err no - he is a practised sleazebag who can sniff out a woman not entirely happy in her marriage from 10 miles away! You stopped him and are taking steps to make sure it doesn't happen again WELL DONE!!!! I didn't do that.

Am now divorced, dont drink, dont socialise and have no lovelife.

If I could go back 3 years and not do what I did then I would do. I would have put my energies into revitalising my marriage. At least then I wouldn't be so lonely and miserable.

[Fattiefattie]

I certainly don't mean to let myself off the hook AF. Like you say I need to own it. I must have led him on one way or another but glad that when it mattered I was clear headed enough to put the brakes on. Time to be a grown up.

[AnyFucker]

Glad you have come to the sensible conclusion.

Now don't be lulled by the "I bet he has done this before, he is a practiced cheat" etc. You don't know that and it let's you off the hook somewhat.

You have agency. Own your own behaviour. See this as a rather jarring blip. It happens...but more will happen if you cross those lines. Be very sure that if you do, the consequences will be all yours.

[Fattiefattie]

Bloody hell I haven't half gone on. Sorry everyone. Such a non problem to get hung up on. There was a tipping point and I tipped the right way rather than the stupid way despite the temptation. End of. New day. Off out for a run.

[Fattiefattie]

Woken up to more advice and questions- thank you Mumsnet. I am mid to late thirties but probably seem older due to my role - people assume I find that I'm 40 ish because I am pretty far on career wise, have been married a long time, got primary school aged kids. He is mid 50s at least.

Me and DH are ok. We don't have much spark these days. I try as does he - but we seem to have lost sexual chemistry. We are a great parenting team and as all working parents we balance a lot between us and that works. I am happiest doing stuff together as a family team. The sex is not great - has been terrible at times. We went through a period when our marriage fell into being basically a sexless marriage. We make an effort now (but it is just that ). Sometimes I initiate or go with it because it makes the atmosphere more pleasant but it often feels like flogging a dead horse. Once a week absolute max - can't remember last time I came (TMI). So perhaps I am vulnerable to any scraps of attention... I have really tried with it. I had got into a rut of not exercising a while ago but this last year I run and work out regularly and feel better for it.

Sorry don't know why I'm boring you with my entire bloody life story.

Notyoda - everything you say resonates for me. I know it's really silly but the jacket thing was a bit surprising- he didn't ask me or say you look cold here have this - we hadn't even stepped outside and I just felt him put it round me and place his hand on my back. It's nothing really but I wonder if it looked a bit off to colleagues.

Also I sort of liked it at that moment. My DH would never do that even if I was freezing he would just tell me I should have thought about it before I came out etc....

But yes I bet he is practiced and I will keep that at the forefront of my mind. I need to cut him off whilst being super professional. Not helped that we have just had a reshuffle at work and he now sits within my area where previously he was elsewhere. I am travelling for a few days so it should all have blown over before next week.

[NotYoda]

And OP

Finally, the bit where your spidey senses should have been alerted is when he put his arm round you and gave you the jacket.

That's an act of intimacy. Now you know he's not feeling paternal towards you.

[NotYoda]

To make it more explicit, do not be alone with him at social events.

[NotYoda]

OP

You know what's in your head and what's in yours. You've got a crush. He wanted to have an affair

You have the choice now whether to create, or allow to be created, situation where there is intimacy, connection or even physical proximity between you.

You can choose what to do about this

I'd also think to myself - this is not romance or whatnot - he's probably had affairs before. Hopefully this nips the flirtation in the bud, since you know he's prepared to betray his wife so he's not that nice, is he?

Me, I'd be keeping half an eye out for whether he's prepared to be nasty to you.

Then you have to think : why did I allow it to go too far? Focus on you and your DH

[AddToBasket]

Flirting and having a crush don't have to equal a mid-life crisis or an affair. In the big scheme of things, nothing happened and you went home.

Is there a chance that you are revelling in the excitement of it all rather than actually wanting anything to happen? Don't go breaking your marriage vows for a bit of drama/flattery - it will be a hideous crash to earth and you will feel awful. So cheap.

That hasn't happened yet. I agree with everyone saying don't drink.

What age are you and what age is he? He sounds practiced.

[eggyface]

You could try telling your husband. Not to be flippant but it could work. Make the crush feel more silly than exciting and make it something for you two not something for you and exciting-other-bloke.