Pregnant with ex abuser's baby - need advice :(

[user1479657614]

So I have recently found out that I am pregnant with my ex boyfriend's baby. We've split up as a result of the abuse I received from him not only physically, but mentality and emotionally. It is all currently being dealt with by the police who have encountered it as one of the worst cases she has seen in her whole 10 years in the force.
I don't know what to do as everyone is telling me I shouldn't keep it as its his and how i will grow up to hate it because of this, but I don't see how? Its my baby too and as horrible as it sounds i couldn't risk him ever seeing the baby just because of what he is capable of. The ex doesn't know I am pregnant due to a restraining order given to police so it's no contact. I'm left mentality and physically scarred from this man. Would it be such a bad idea to keep the child?

[mummy198]

Sorry didn't realise I had replied on a thread

[mummy198]

Hi looking for advice about my 7 week old baby. She is very unsettled,excessive smelly wind and green runny explosive poos for about 10 days. Wondering if anyone else baby has this on gone through this thanks in advance

[Purplebluebird]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I echo what others have said, I could not keep a baby tied to this man, however much I wanted it. I would forever worry and live in fear that he would try to take the child away from me.

[BestZebbie]

If he isn't in custody right now and there will be a delay of several months before he goes to prison - will you be safe during your pregnancy if you continue? Is he likely to flip out if he hears and be one of the vile people who would beat up a pregnant woman to try to make them lose the baby (obviously at great risk to the mother's life as well)? If he is, I doubt a restraining order would stop him, just add a little bit on the end of his subsequent sentence for the assault (and he may not care if he knows he is going down anyway)

[jeaux90]

Hey OP I have been in a very similar situation and I did keep the baby. Think very hard about this though it wasn't easy at first. However now he hasn't been in contact for 6 years. My daughter is 7. Good luck whatever you decide to do (I was 37 by the way so I thought it was my last chance)

[LynseyH]

I've only read your post, not the responses but I wanted to add something.
I was with a really horrid 'man' years ago and got pregnant. I kept my baby, we split up long before baby arrived. He still caused issues for me, I moved house a few times but always still local to my family.
When my son was 4, my ex tried to put my windows through (caught red-handed so didn't succeed). Police installed a panic button, I sat and had a good long think.
I made the decision to leave my home town and everyone, everything I had known all my life. At only 24, this was pretty scary!!
As I didn't have funds, I was moved to a women's refuge and was temporarily housed for 6 months before I got a permanent new home, an hour away from where I used to live.
I no longer look over my shoulder, I don't worry about him at all. He was arrested for what he did and was given a slap on the wrist (we're talking community service and fines, no prison time).
I'm very careful with my friend list on Facebook, I have the highest privacy settings too. I don't allow my son to be photographed for school either.
I now have 2 more children, another on the way and have been with their dad for nearly 7 years. It's hard work, but it's achievable. When my 2nd child was born and my partner wanted him to have his surname, I said fine, but could I take his name too? He was fine with that so both myself and my eldest also have a new surname.

Just to point out, my ex didn't care about my son, he's not on the birth certificate, never paid a penny. He has no rights at all, especially with a crime sheet like his. He only ever wanted to control me and cause me hassle.
Best thing I did was move away and have a fresh start.

I hope you find your answers, I hope you do what's right for you. Don't be swayed into a decision you'll later regret. You'll know what is right in your heart and your head.

Very best of luck to you

[abbsisspartacus]

Move change your surname and move he wont find you this country is huge honestly I was stalked moved 20 miles away and they didn't find me they drove through the village looking for me and still didn't find me just spend a bit of time go to Scotland maybe? Bury yourself with a new name shut down social media etc and live your life

[tilleuls]

Do what is right for you and your baby - if I were you I would téléphone Women's Aid as well as Rights of Women for advice on how to protect yourself in the future and if you decide to keep the baby. Social services will be involved if there has been DV and they will also be able to help you safeguard your baby and point you to other people who can help. Also, the comment about being forced to allow prison visits - thats absolutely false!! When in prison the father doesn't have a 'right' to see the child and is reliant on someone else bringing the child to them which YOU would have total control over. (I know this as I am in a similar situation myself being pregnant and the baby's father in prison - he was also emotionally abusive). It's very likely that SS would tell you to cut all contact with the father. If you have the baby, don't put his name on the birth certificate and put in all of the safeguarding measures you possibly can.
Hoping you're doing okay

[Snowflakes1122]

Don't tell him whatever you do. He will have the perfect excuse to harass you.

If you want to keep baby, I'd seriously consider moving to another country.

[Tamberlane]

Unless your willing to travel far away to raise this child in another country(oz, usa distance!) where he is less likely to be able to travel to for access I would strongly recommend against having this baby.

Its a life sentence ...for you and the child.
The courts will grant the father access in the uk and Ireland if he wants it....and he may pursue this just to make you suffer.
Its near impossible to guarantee that this man will never no about this baby.facebook,word of mouth etc...it will get back to him!

Think long and hard OP.its not just as simple as saying you wont allow access or let him know...the law will be on his side as ever child has the right to a relationship with their father....unless that parent has damaged the child! They will not deny his paternal rights because he abused you...the law is the law.its not always fair!

[Sneakynamechage]

Unfortunately, just because he has a conviction doesn't mean he won't be allowed access. The courts very rarely deny access. Women's aid currently has a petition about the family courts and how they don't have enough understanding nor training about EA/DV relationships and how it affects children. Read Claire's story on their website as an example truly terrifying how they didn't listen to her or the childrens wishes.

[Snotlynn]

I am the daughter of a deranged abuser who I've had no contact with since I was a toddler. It has fucked me up massively and I have a mental health issue and am disgusted to have his genes in me, I was a very difficult kid and have a lot of issues knowing what that monster did to my mother. There is no way I would force another person into this existence but it's entirely your choice. Congratulations on escaping from that worthless piece of shit.

[Marilynsbigsister]

Sadly the level of abuse metered out to you has often little bearing on the contact a father can have. The thoughts of the family court being that the relationship between partners , and parents /children is entirely different, The law relates to a child's right to see their father. Whilst the parents relationship is fuelled by violence the parent/child's could easily be risk free (!) to the child and will allow supervised access for a period to assess the fathers behaviour and if they play the game well ,will then get unsupervised access.
I work in a job where I have a lot of daily access to the justice system. I think you need to take a step back from assumptions you may or may not have been told with regards sentencing.

I have seen people who have committed multiple rapes, people who have been convicted of manslaughter and even people who've committed murder get out before ten years . (What they get sentenced and what they serve are wildly different and rely on things like a guilty plea / 'good behaviour ' / age of perpetrator/ probation reports. As pp above have said, you are banking a lot on a lot of assumptions. He hasn't even been arrested yet, then the CpS have to agree to charge, he could be bailed, then 6-9 months to get to court . Followed by a jury convicting, (and don't underestimate the stress of giving evidence) .

Never let any of this put you off a prosecution. There are so many organisations out there to help, I just want you to know that it's not easy and 'a done deal' . Most importantly if you are making a decision wether to continue your pregnancy based on a belief that because of your ex appalling behaviour to you, he will be denied access - the chances of that are very remote. (Sadly)

[mummyto2monkeys]

Op it sounds very much that you want to keep this little one!
This monster has taken so much from you already, why should he take this from you too! There are other options to abortion, if you decide that you cannot consider abortion but are not in a place where you feel you can Mother his child, there is adoption. But it sounds like you do want this little one!

I would consider a new start! Sell up and move somewhere remote, one of the Scottish Islands/ the Highlands/ Ireland. Somewhere completely new where you can recover and begin the journey toward healing. He has no reason to believe you are pregnant, if you move and start over he doesn't need to know that you had his child. If this is the type of man to come looking for you, then a fresh start for your safety could be a very good idea.

[Halloweensnake]

It's not the babies fault who it's dad is...you sound like you want to keep the little one...follow yr heart x

[manhowdy]

I wouldn't keep the baby, OP, sorry. Not because I wouldn't love the child, but because it would tie me to my abuser forever.

I had a baby as a teen with an older man. Despite a restraining order banning him from coming near me, he was still able to gain access to our son. He was also given access to our son despite threatening to jump off a building with him among other things. Horrendous time. And full on horrendous for quite a few years.

Even now, TWENTY YEARS later, I still occasionally wake up to weird/abusive messages he's sent me in the middle of the night. Madness. Don't put yourself in the same position I did.

[SandyY2K]

If it was me and I wanted to keep the baby, I wouldn't tell him. Him being in your lives will be hell.

[YouWereAlwaysPerfect]

I wouldn't keep the baby, reason being he has been abusive towards you and that he is going to go to prison, therefore the baby won't have a father, it just wouldn't be fair on the baby.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

[goddessofsmallthings]

as horrible as it sounds i couldn't risk him ever seeing the baby just because of what he is capable of

What you need to understand is that, should you continue this pregnancy, it will not be up to you, or down to you, to dictate terms as you, and the child, will be entirely at the mercy of the family courts who are not particularly merciful to women who have been victims of abuse.

[goddessofsmallthings]

once the police catch up for him he will be going down

That isn't the case. When the police apprehend him there's no guarantee that he will be remanded in custody until he's tried for whatever offence(s) he's charged with and he could be on bail until the trial.

If he pleads not guilty it could be 9 months or more before he's tried. If convicted, only the judge can determine the sentence and, as another poster has said, he'll be out in half the time of whatever prison term he's given.

In the event that he goes to prison, he'll have access to solicitors and be given legal aid to establish his parental rights and pursue you for access to his child through the family courts and, if it established that he is the father. it's not inconceivable that you will be ordered to make the child available for prison visits.

If it should come to DNA testing, you may be held in contempt of court if you fail to provide samples.

With regard to restraining orders, injuctions are granted for a set period of time after which they lapse. Application can be made for renewal of a non-molestation order (which is what I am assuming you have) but any such application is unlikely to succeed unless he's been found to have been in breach of the earlier order.

You cannot seek a restraining order for an unborn child, nor can you seek an order to keep the father away from the child when it is born unless you can prove that he poses a significant risk to its wellbeing - as he may be safely banged up when the current order expires you'll be on a hiding to nothing in endeavouring to establish that he's a risk to you and/or the child.

Regardless of whatever the father of the child has done to you and regardess of whether or not he's made child maintenance payments, the family courts will not terminate his parental rights and are more than likely to grant a contact order. This may take the form of him intially engaging with the child in the supervised environment of a contact centre and, providing this goes well, extend to unsupervised contact, overnight stays, etc after which he could apply for a 50-50 childcare arrangements order.

How will you feel if the child is required to spend weekends, half of the school holidays, every other Christmas etc with its father, and how will this impact on you and on child itself?

Imo continuing this pregnancy could be the second worst decision you've ever made; the first being your decision to become involved with an abusive man and failing ditch him the minute he revealed his true nature.

[Cricrichan]

Nobody can tell you what to do but it would be worth talking to someone who knows about what's going to happen to him and his rights.

I'd be tempted not to tell him if I was going to keep the baby though

[PoldarksBreeches]

How old are you?
If you're under 30 I would advise definitely terminate. If over 35 I'd advise to seriously consider it but also weigh up options of leaving the area and hiding all online presence from anyone who might know him. It's a life sentence to be honest.

[ThatStewie]

The chances of family courts preventing access are virtually nil.

[user1478904621]

I agree luckylucky24. My daughter is my gift for putting up with such as arsehole! Luckily she is nothing like him & is disgusted that he abused me. She still has contact but as she says it's only cause she feels sorry for her younger half siblings cause they love her to bits.

[luckylucky24]

I haven't been in this situation but if I felt the chances were he wouldn't get access via courts I would go ahead with the pregnancy. A light at the end of the tunnel :)