WWYD?: upcoming 50th and DH

[DestinyofDisaster]

I'll try not to ramble and your advice would be much appreciated :-)

Ok, so it's my 50th in approximately 4 weeks and I have a horrible feeling that DH is going to let me down again. I'm not expecting or indeed wanting a big do, DH knows I'm not really in to all that.

However, we've been together for almost 30 years and he knows in all of that time I've always wanted to visit London and go to the theatre. I had assumed that's what he had planned for my 40th as we had discussed it many times and although he never actually said that was what we were doing, I wrongly presumed. We did in fact have McDonald's watching the xfactor :-| (yes, I was a bit pissed off about it)

So, I'm guessing you've realised my DH isn't very romantic and he can be a bit unthoughtful.

We've joked about it over the years, although he's still aware it's something I want to do and friends of ours have had playful digs at him and told him he better have something nice planned for my 50th. But, I don't think he has and it's actually getting to me. I'd be seriously miffed if he thinks McDonald's and the xfactor will do it for me this time.

I know it probably sounds ridiculous in the grand scale of things but WWYD, should I ask if there's anything planned or just wait and see? I think I might actually LTB if he hasn't planned anything special.

[Nanny0gg]

Go with your friend.

You'll have a much better time.

[Lostandlonely1979]

Destiny I hope this isn't out of line but it does sound to me like you're almost hoping that he'll f**k up and that'll give you reason to finally throw your hands up in despair and leave. Except you probably won't, because you'll talk yourself out of leaving over something so innocuous.

I'd plan something that he can easily be lifted out of if necessary and spend a bit of time trying to identify whether you're actually happy in this marriage.

A happy marriage is two people playing to their strengths and loving, supporting and encouraging each other. We can't all be amazing at everything and it sounds like his strengths don't lie in planning. But I don't think that's really what you're upset about.

[ChinUpChestOut]

Do. Not. Wait. Any. Longer.

Here are your Action Points:

1. Ask DH directly "Have you organised theatre tickets and a hotel for my 50th?". If he answers "yes" go and have a and . If he mumbles an "errrrr, umm," then tell him you'll take care of it and is to do nothing further. (that implies he was still doing research etc - I assume you want to give him the benefit of the doubt ).
   So if "errr, umm":
   2)Get on the internet and book 2 tickets and a hotel for you + 1.
   
2. Ask DH if he genuinely wants to go with you. Not a hassle if he doesn't, but if it's not his thing then he needs to speak up now. If he says "yes I want to come", go and have a and another . If "umm, err, well, err" then phone your friend and invite her instead.
   
3. Then have another and a as you have, by now, earned it.

[Kidnapped]

"My BF knows what DH is like and has said that she and I should celebrate my 50th together and leave DH sat at home on his iPad".

Do this. Have a laugh in London with your friend.

And organise something with your adult children. Meal out or something on a different day?

If your husband doesn't want to be involved then okay. But don't hang around all your life waiting for him to get his act together.

It is your life - you can do all sorts of things, alone or with friends and your children. Book a holiday. Go for it.

[80sWaistcoat]

Reading this again - it's not really about your birthday is it? 'Last straw' was a bit of a clue.

Do you need to repost in Relationships ... it doesn't sound like you are entirely happy with a life where you don't go out and a trip to London is almost too much to imagine.

[ravenmum]

When I was still with my ex, I wanted to arrange a party - the first ever party just for me - to mark the 20 years I'd lived in this country. We often had parties with our neighbours so I asked them. On the day, we raised our glasses and someone said "To Raven's Ex! Happy belated birthday!". He'd told all the neighbours the party was celebrating his birthday, which was a few days before my birthday, and a couple of months previously. When I asked why he didn't mention my 20 years, he said he didn't realise it was important to me. I felt like I was being needy expecting him to even remember that much. But I wasn't being needy. It was him not spending a single moment's thought on me. He also invited a work colleague to the party, who I later discovered was an ex-OW.

So I get what you mean about wanting to feel like someone is thinking about you. And in some ways I get why you haven't just gone to London - since my ex left I've done more things I wanted to. It's like I was frozen in inaction before, waiting for him to join in and organise stuff or just show some enthusiasm for what I did.

Looking back I should have been more pro-active, and actually had higher expectations and made them clearer to everyone. My ex still would have been a shit but at least the neighbours might have raised their glasses to me...

[AnyFucker]

BTW, who told you that you "ramble" ?

[AnyFucker]

Never been on holiday ?

Does.Not.Compute.

[ravenmum]

I'd also say ask him now, so that he still has time to change his plans to something you want if they are not quite up to scratch. You don't have to make him tell you exactly where you are going, just say something like "I'm really excited about my 50th so I am just going to have to check ... don't tell me all the details, but you have cottoned on to the fact that I want to be treated to the theatre in London, right? Otherwise I'm going to organise it myself."

[MotherFuckingChainsaw]

I think you do need to say something

I am a little forgetful and self absorbed and frankly crap at remembering to organise stuff like this.

DH has a good technique

'It's my 40th birthday soon Chainsaw. I want you to organise something special for me'

'Ok what do you want'

'I'd like to go to a restaurant in Paris '

'Ok darling '



It would be better not to have to ask, but asking is probably better than sitting seething with resentment.

[80sWaistcoat]

Even more so after reading your update - talk to him. Ask him quite clearly without any room for misunderstanding - "so is there anything planned for my birthday" - if there is ask what it is and if there isn't or you don't like what's planned - you or the two of you organise something.

From the sound of your lives at the moment - X Factor and a McDonalds was probably the Ritz as far as he was concerned. A weekend in London and the theatre would be like 2 weeks in the Caribbean!

You don't sound needy - you are just married to someone who is unlikely to organise suprise birthdays. So organise the thing you want to do...

[LetsAllEatCakes]

Ask him what the plans are. If nothing is in motion then you can decide what to do and who with.

Don't frustrate yourself bh seething and wondering until then.

[singleandfabulous]

Youve never been on holiday in 30 years?

Why?

How do you spend your time off? Do you do anything outside the home as a couple?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Why don't you book things yourself? It's obviously not his cup of tea. I don't understand why, if you want to go to London so badly, you don't just...go?

[DestinyofDisaster]

Sorry, just wanted to add, I have been to London now, about 3 years ago (never previously been) unfortunately no sightseeing involved, just work related meeting / overnight stay and straight home.

I know it probably doesn't sound like it, but I'm not a very needy person. We've never been on holiday, we've had the occasionally meal out but we don't go out iykwim. I'd just like to have my special days acknowledged

[BigGreenOlives]

Just ask him if he's booked the night away yet. As your birthday is in early December you need to get a move on!

[DestinyofDisaster]

Thank you for your replies, and apologies in advance because it sounds like I'm drip feeding.
But just to answer a few things. We have discussed it at length, he knows exactly what I want to do. A show was selected that we'd go and see and my best friend/colleague had given me the heads up that I would need to book some time off work a couple of months ago. (DH & BF get on very well).

I'm not in a position where I need to book time off work at the moment. Due to a breast cancer scare last month I took leave to re-evaluate my life. I'd been working long hours and my job was very stressful still times.

I've lost all my family members over the past few years so it's just DH, me & our grown up Dc's now. I have one person that I can genuinely call a BF.

My BF knows what DH is like and has said that she and I should celebrate my 50th together and leave DH sat at home on his iPad but I guess I'm just hoping that he won't let me down again. We've had some problems in the past and perhaps I'm the real problem waiting for the final straw? :-/

[Naicehamshop]

Agree with everyone else ; take control of this yourself. Don't sit around waiting to be disappointed.

[SandyY2K]

Why have you been waiting 30 years to go to London?

My thoughts as well.

I have a friend who was always let down on mother's day, by expecting her DH to take her (and the kids )out to lunch.

He'd leave it till the day and of course nothing was available ... they'd walk into restaurants and they were full. Eventually they ended up in McDonald's a few years, which the kids loved but she was furious.

So she started booking a restaurant herself every year.

[Whocansay]

Organise something yourself with your friends. Take control and stop being such a martyr.

[MissMargie]

I arranged my 50th and 60th. Amazing foreign hols - DH accompanied me so he was happy too.

[ravenmum]

So, I'm guessing you've realised my DH isn't very romantic and he can be a bit unthoughtful.
I can't say I got that from the introduction at all. More that he had no clue what you were expecting.

Why have you been waiting 30 years to go to London?

[80sWaistcoat]

Don't set him up to fail. That's not fair.

If you've been together this long he must have other strengths that have kept you together, even if birthday planning isn't one of them. There may even be thing that he does that you don't that keep the relationship moving.

Either tell him exactly what you want and ask him to book it or do it yourself as your birthday treat and invite him along, or even plan it together.

Not my 50 th but this year we went downtown so I could pick out a present and I've booked a table for him, me and some friends at a place I like for my birthday...

[Thisisacting]

You need to tell him clearly what you want. If you still don't think he will do it, book it yourself. I know it's not the same but you know what he is like by now.

[AnyFucker]

You are just waiting for more disappointment. Why ?

Decide what you want to do for your 50th and make it happen. Your H must have some good points or you wouldn't still be married to him

I found that I evaluated a lot of things in my life when I was 50 and some stuff that wasn't working for me got removed from it. Just saying.