So tired of walking on eggshells

[MadJeffBarn]

Me and dh have been together 8 years. We have two children together.
All the time I've known him he's had anger issues. For the most part I know how to navigate him, but sometimes I just have to bite back. Tonight is a prime example of how ridiculous he can be. Watching one of his dvds and it starts to skip. He gets up, huffing and puffing, and tries to fix it. It's still skipping, so he throws the dvd case across the room. I turn my back and pretend to be asleep so he doesn't start. He eventually gets into bed, and punches the bed above my head. Because my back was turned I asked him what he did, and he tells me he punched it. We've had a bad day anyway so I tell him not punch our stuff, to which he goes fucking nuts. I chose to turn my back and pretend to go back to sleep while he's still yelling but secretly seething. I've decided to wait until he's asleep before going for a cigarette and I notice he's thrown my phone on the floor too. He gets so pissed off if he feels like his stuff is being disrespected (despite us not having watched this particular film for about 5 years and we've had a house move since then it's clearly me who's scratched the disk) he is incredibly disrespectful to my stuff. If I leave something on the kitchen side I come back to find its been moved or thrown away because it's 'messy' yet I wouldn't dare even tidy his stuff away. He's broken kids toys by throwing them across the room in anger, earlier this year he broke a knuckle by punching a wall because he needed a doctors appointment for something but I dared try to tell him it would be shut at 10pm on a Saturday and I wasn't trying hard enough.
On top of this he doesn't work, instead he's trying to work at what he loves to do, which is fine, but if I were to say 'don't punch our bed because I would have to be the one who pays for it (again)' it would be met with aggression.
His only saving grace really is that he's a good dad. Although when I really stop to think about he's an okay dad. He gets up in the morning with them, makes them breakfast, helps with bedtime but spends most of the day on his phone ignoring them. I can't remember him ever taking them somewhere fun without me begging him too.
Problem is, I just can't kick him out. I cant pass him on to his mum, as he's so hard to deal with, nor will be take responsibility for himself and get a job. Most likely he'll plead and beg until I take him back or take an overdose for sympathy.
I've never admitted this out loud about our relationship and it's making me feel so sad, and so angry, but so defeated.

[needsomeperspective]

My husband is like this often too.

We've been married 8 years too and have 2 kids as well.

I have no advice for you. I'm in the same boat. It's not consistently bad enough to make me leave but is bad often enough to make me largely miserable and always on edge.

I'd love to get my husband CBT. If I manage to persuade him to go and it helps I will revisit this thread and update you.

In the meantime am happy to exchange vents when it gets bad. hand holding :(

[TealGiraffe]

Ugh i don't know how you've lasted so long with him tbh.
You are worth so much more than a life of walking on eggshells! And what are your children learning? Put up and shut up? That won't lead to them having stable happy relationships will it...

You are not responsible for him. If he ends up sleeping on mates floors because he doesnt work. Not your problem. He threatens an overdose? Well that's his choice.

Please think about leaving this arsehole...

[OohhThatsMe]

could you try speak to him or organise a night out just the two of you?

This has to be the worst advice I've ever read on here!

OP, I'd tell him to get out. He's a cocklodger who is violent and focuses on damaging your things, rather than his own. He blames you for everything. What is the bloody point of him?

[Pallisers]

but is bad often enough to make me largely miserable and always on edge.

that is no way to live your life.

[GloriaGaynor]

he's trying to work at what he loves to do

And how long has been trying to work this out for?

(and yes pps are right he's abusive and a poor dad.)

[debbs77]

He sounds like my ex. But he wasn't as angry as yours, just that he would GET angry and break things and blame me for everything, and then not talk to me for a week.

It came to a head when he spent an hour slating me in front of the kids. My 12 year old got cross and had a huge go at him! He got angry and I thought he would hit her. I rang the police and they escorted him out. Best thing I ever did x

[magoria]

Your poor bloody kids. Their toys are broken because he throws them around in anger.

Trust me they hear and see much more than you think.

He is a fucking shit dad who you yourself says spends most of the day on his phone ignoring them.

Pretty soon they will be old enough to start walking on eggshells through fear too.

Get him out before this is their life too. What he does is not your problem he is a grown man.

[ilovelamp82]

It will not get better. It won't. Everybody in this situation feels exactly the same as you and it can take a long time to leave for some people but I think I can definitely say there isn't a single person that has been in your position that doesn't wish they had left sooner.

You say you don't want to hand him over to his mother. He is not your responsibility. You do not have to be emotionally abused to avoid someone else to have to deal with him. He is a grown man. He can sort himself out. If you can't muster the courage for yourself, do it for your children. You deserve better even if your self esteem has been crushed so much that you don't believe that now. You do!!!! And so do your children.

Good luck op. Be careful though, get all your ducks in a row because kicking an abusive partner out is when things can really escalate.

By hitting the pillow next to your head and throwing things, it's his way of showing you what he is capable of dishing out to you, to get you to tow the line. Hence the walking on eggshells. It will not get better. You cannot fix him and he has no intention of fixing himself (even though when you kick him out, he will tell you he will, he won't)

Good luck x

[Shayelle]

Sounds very sad for you op 😞