so what are you supposed to do when your middle-aged DH starts an obsessive interest in a hobbie?

[Roundnroundnround]

DH eats, sleeps and breathes a sport. He cannot seem to talk or think about anything else. If he's ever texting, it's about the sport, ruminating over a game he has played or watched, or even scenarios his fellow sport fans send to him about their own games or games they watched. If he can't play it himself, he watches it on television. If he has to sleep, he watches it on his phone in bed with earphones in, in the early hours of the morning, the phone lighting up the room while I'm trying to sleep.

It's all he texts me about when he is out of the house. That he played the game, he won or he lost. How he feels about it. What everyone else who is there thinks. That he watched a game, somebody won and somebody lost. He's happy or he's sad depending on who he likes and whether he thinks it was fair.

When he's in the house, he talks AT me about the sport. Philosophical conversations we have as a couple get shunted on to an example involving the sport, then once we are safely back on sport territory, he continues on it.

When we're out with friends, he drags conversations - kicking and screaming - on to his sport. People indulge him for a while, but when it seems he wants to carry on, they make excuses to leave or start a new conversation (actually talk over him.)

I have tried to take a small bit of interest, hoping that will encourage him to feel his interests are appreciated and will solicit return questions about things I'm interested in. No. It makes him speak for longer and longer about the sport, in a "let's start from the beginning" kind of way. Then he gets overwhelmed with how much he wants to say and ends up giving me the complete history/backstory, right up to the answer to my question and beyond.

When he's finished (answering my polite question,) he will sit back and say that he really feels we've bonded tonight. That it reminds him what a great partnership we are.

Is this selfish behaviour or obsessive behaviour or both?

[glueandstick]

Please don't let it be golf. It seems to be a special type of utterly boring going on with golf.

[GloriaGaynor]

I think I'd rather he had an affair.

[Oakmaiden]

My husband is sortof like this, with the extended lecture with all the back information included. Not generally about a particular issue/hobby - just about whatever is going on at the time.

I have to be honest (and we have been married 21 years, so I am quite comfortable being honest) - I just say "Far to much information, Q. Just the main point, please."

[Belleblush]

I'd say he's either on the spectrum or approaching 40/midlife crisis. Either way, it'll pass.

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

I'd say he's either on the spectrum or approaching 40/midlife crisis. Either way, it'll pass.

Again, he's not on the spectrum just because he has an obsessive interest in a new hobby.

Either way, it'll pass? Not if it were asd. Asd doesn't pass.

I wish people would educate themselves before posting shit like this.

[JoJoSM2]

Lol I'd just tell him that it's lovely to be able for him to tell you about he sport but it'd be great if he took interest in whatever you like too. Perhaps you could start with an evening together during which talking about the sport is banned?

[JoJoSM2]

PS I wouldn't just give him the cold shoulder or changed the subject when he starts talking about it as it might feel mean to him and he won't understand why you're suddenly acting disinterested. It think it's important to communicate in a nice but clear way that's it's a bit of an overload at times.

[raspberrysuicide]

My ex husband started running a few years ago. He's obsessed with it and is always going away for weekends to run somewhere else or for races.
It split us up in the end.
It was all he talked about, read about and listened to and watched.
It drove us apart eventually.
He's now with some other woman who us as obsessed with running as he is.

[housewifedesperate]

God raspberry, are you me? Think they're mo feckin farrah! (no disrespect to mo, he's ace). Let them keep running.... All the way to them hills.
Seriously though, if it's an obsession that's damaging your relationship, you need to talk about it.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Have you tried telling him to shut up?

My dh can talk for England, we work together so it can get a bit much. When I've had enough I just say "ok you've talked about that, can you stop now". I also have rules about not talking about work when we're walking the dog and on a Sunday.

You really need to have a chat where you tell him you've had enough, it's boring for you and you're going to start asking him to stop.

[BeverleyBrook]

My DH has had similar obsessions before. Hints had no effect at all. I had to resort to being very direct, as in "you are being boring and rude, please stop dominating every conversation with a subject only you are interested in". He did calm down after a bit, thank god.

[Belleblush]

Heaven...my comment was light-hearted and not meant to offend. I do actually know quite a bit about spectrum disorders; we are all on the 'spectrum' to some degree. No need to be so aggressive. Peace ✌️

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

Well I think if it were true that you know quite a bit about spectrum disorders then you wouldn't trot out such a flippant comment that does no one who is diagnosably "on the spectrum" any favours.

[Belleblush]

It wasn't meant to be flippant or offensive. Sorry.

[Gymnopedies]

Just tell him the truth! He is a grown man, he can understand that not everyone is interested in his hobby (and I say that as someone passionate about her hobby, DH just tells me when he has had enough of it).

[LadyConstanceDeCoverlet]

It may be unwise to tell him the whole subject bores you to tears when you have already pretended to take an interest in it. I think you need to approach it initially by pointing out the reaction he is getting from friends and saying he really needs to lay off. You can then move on to say gently when he brings it up at home constantly that, just as friends are not necessarily interested, you also could do with it being much more diluted and that it would be considerate if he would realise that you do have other interests and things to talk about.

[Wren1975]

Heaven ... I don't think anyone is saying he's definitely on the spectrum just because he has an obsessive interest. However if this is part of a pattern of behaviour (along with the poor social skills described) it could be an indication of an ASD and it would surely be worth the OP considering if he meets any other of the criteria? I would suggest considering it as a possibility if for no other reason than it might help her learn to communicate better with him.

[GloriaGaynor]

He could just be a bore.

[bikerlou]

At least it's a healthy hobby my ex got into BDSM and left me to join their circus. If only he had been obsessed with sport we might still be together. As it is just seeing him makes me want to vomit. men do this, the obssessive thing - you need to sit him down and tell him how utterly he is boring you.

[MayhemandMadness01]

Dh is a little like this with his work. My standard responses are:

• Well, thats 10 minutes of my life that I will never get back, cheers for that.
  
• You are boring me now.
  
• Shut the feck up, I dont care.
  
• Yawn.
  
• were has it gone? You know the blocks of cheese which I need to ram into my ears.
  
• I wont be able to use those earrings you bought me when I have to cut my ears off.
  

Dh doesnt do hints, the direct approach is the only thing that works

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

It's a bit narcissistic isn't it? 'I'm the centre of attention and my opinion is more important than yours'. I had a Fil like that. No interest whatsoever in anybody else talking. Full of his own self importance, obliviously so.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Mayhem I'm going to borrow some of those for my DH. I love him to bits but he talks too much.

[LittleTripToHeaven]

Gloria Quite.

[Sciurus83]

Mayhem those are amazing. Definitely borrowing!

[Titsywoo]

I dunno my ds and dh have aspergers and they are exactly like this.