Did I make a mistake need help with my confusion

[confused84]

I've posted on here in the past.
I am in a relationship ship that I have been in for over three years now.
It has always been rocky and he hasn't always treated me brilliantly.
In march this year I called an end to it was tired of his games his bull and general selfish ways.
After the break up I met someone else unexpectedly completely out of the blue I went on a few dates as I was single and it was harmless. This man treated me like gold he took me out bought me nice things and told me everyday how amazing he thought I was.
I've never had anyone treat me like this and i didn't know what to do with it at the time I acted casually and never discussed the future or feelings.
I felt like I had always known him he was like a best friend to me and someone I felt like I missed my whole life in a crazy way I could tell him anything and be myself and he never judged me.
My ex did not want to let me go and promised to change and did not leave me alone during this time. He promised me the sun and the moon and I ended my new relationship and took me ex back.
He did change and to some degree he is a better partner than he has ever been but the selfishness is still there and he's gone back to never taking me out or buying me anything we live together and he gives me some money but not that much considering what he earns he doesn't split things and I've got children from a previous relationship.
I feel he only changed out of fear of losing me but over the time he's gone back to a lot of his old ways.
We are close and have a good relationship but it's because i put up with a lot more than I should from him for a quiet life. I do love him and it's been a while we have been together now so I'm scared of change.
The other man was gutted when I ended it and I saw him a few wks ago in the supermarket and he spoke to me he was nice and caring asked what I was doing now and then asked me did I think I had made a mistake I said no and he left it at that.
The thing is I miss him so much he was only in my life briefly but during that time he really cared about me and showed me so much love that I have never experienced before with anyone. I know of course he didn't know me long enough to love me but he said I'm mad about you never felt like this before and as far as I know he hasn't been in a relationship since as we have mutual friends.
I dream about him all the time wondering if i made a huge mistake I could tell him anything and three hours with him would pass in five minutes. I am not unrealistic I'm not a teenager and I don't want to walk out on my current relationship for a mad idea that I've got in my mind that I've walked away from the one.
I love my partner but he's very self centred and I always feel I'm last on the list I know he must love me as he went to pieces when we split up but he's so materialistic and money mad and I hate it as I'm not like that at all.
We have arguments about it as he will quibble with me over a few quid that I owe him etc
I keep thinking did I make a huge mistake walking away from the other man.
Everyday I think About it has anyone else been there help

[AnyFucker]

have you ever had a time when you were without a man as an adult ?

[LellyMcKelly]

I would get rid of your current partner. He sounds awful - emotionally and financially controlling and abusive. It might be worth your while spending some time alone. You can't have liked your ex that much or you wouldn't have left him.

[TempusEedjit]

I often say this on similar threads but you need to judge your partner not on what he says but on what he does. Your posts are all about how he won you back by begging and telling you he loves you but talk is cheap and he literally won't put his money where his mouth is even though he sees you and your DC struggling.

I'm sorry to say he "went to pieces" when you split not because he loves you but because his free ride came to an end. I would bet my bottom dollar that once he's saved up enough for his mortgage you won't see him for dust (apart from the odd booty call maybe). Get rid regardless of what happens with the other guy.

[ThisIsReallyNotMyName]

TBH it's sounds like you need to focus on yourself and learn to be ok on your own rather than using men to prop you up.

[Dozer]

Yes, you made a huge mistake. LTB!

You'd be much better off single.

[confused84]

He's got thousands in the bank and he goes on about this thousand pounds all the time hangs over me everyday.

[confused84]

What grates on me with the car is I said I didn't want it I had enough to get a shitty car and he pressured me he drove to the garage and paid in his credit card when I told him not too this was when we first got back together.
In the end I took it because he made me and then I said well you won't throw this in my face will you and he said I promise I won't i would say at least once a week he brings it up.
I assumed he got me as a present he never said otherwise then a week later said he would set up a payment arrangement with me I never said anything and just agreed with it. So it's been 8 months of me paying for this car now like I've got a car on finance which I couldn't afford to do.

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

It's only a grand. That may feel like an insurmountable amount of money, but what price peace and happiness? Can you afford the house on your own? It sounds like you probably can. If you can, then get this leech out of your home. Make an agreement on the repayment of the car money and call it a day.

[Sassypants82]

Having read your updates, your partner sounds like a stingy prick. I would recommend you get rid of him. Whatever you decide about the second man, your partner is a waste of space.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Irrespective of any other man, you would be better off in every way to finish things with your 'partner'. Presumably you can't claim tax credits etc with his wage. He really isn't good for you.

[confused84]

Also I haven't got a tumblr drier and my sons bunk bed is broken and I told him we need those things and he went out and bought a new state of the art television when I need other things. It was his money he used which is fair enough but I can't afford to buy what I need right now and he buys silly things that we don't need. I'm looking forward to getting the compensation so I can buy some beds and a drier and at least I've paid for them so nothing can be said.
I know I should do something but I'm scared and I had so many hopes that it would work and it's all gone now :-(

[confused84]

Yeah your right and I really miss him as a person too. He made life so much better for me for that short time I just feel like shit right now. I'm not saying he's the love of my life and we're going to get married he just made me feel worthwhile.
My partner promised me the earth when we got back together and I fell for it but it wasn't long before the cracks appeared and he couldn't keep up the facade any longer he's not as bad as he used to be because he probably knows he can't be but it's still there a leopard doesn't change it's spots.
Yesterday was kind of a turning point because I owed him £30 he had lent me for my car insurance this month he put £32 in my bank as I was overdrawn and asked him for the first time in about a year to lend me money he did it and then when I paid him back he asked for the £2 and I just laughed and he was like your always trying to have me over this is why I don't lend you money so he wanted the £2 aswell and I just got really angry that he even was seriously asking me for two quid.

[Funko]

Nope. You ask him to leave. You pay him back what you can afford on your terms not his. Or sell it and buy a cheap one. It's your money.

I did that. I split up with a total Arse got with a fabulous new guy. Got tempted back with tears, promises the whole world on a stick. That lasted another ooh what 8 months before I finally saw sense!

Not a popular opinion so I'm prepared to be flamed but you know what... kick the Bugger out and the Tell the guy exactly what you wanted to blurt out. I'm not suggesting for a second it's a good idea to get straight back into a relationship. You would probably do well being on your own for a while but at least you've said it. Admitted to yourself how you feel and who knows... some time down the line he might be waiting in the wings when you are ready.

Don't wait for some imaginary line in the sand to act. Take your life back and get rid. You'll have more money for you and your kids not supplementing him!

[inlectorecumbit]

I would ask him in return for the X months money due in backdated rent he owes you.
That should cancel out the £1000

[confused84]

Thanks everyone was beginning to think it was me. To be honest the other guy wasn't that full on I just think he probably treated me how most men should treat someone and I wasn't used to that so I majorly freaked out and ran back to what I knew.
He didn't pressure me or anything I just felt more like me when I was with him he made me feel like a better person like I mattered my opinions mattered and he said I was really funny and made him laugh and my current partner never says that to me. I think I've just changed and when I saw him in the supermarket I wanted to really blurt out that I was miserable and I had made a mistake but I couldn't . I forgot how I used to be until he came into my life it's hard to explain but I got used to the behaviour of my current partner to the point that I felt it was the best it was going to get and this was it.
The man I'm with is now saving for a mortgage and I asked am I included in this venture he said yes but deep down I know I'm not and even if I was he would throw it in my face that he came up with the deposit so I would rather stay here.
I'm a in two bedroomed house at the moment with three children but would rather that than move with him and it's not mine.
We haven't been out now since June he keeps saying he's saving but it's miserable as I'm not going to get anything out of it.
I'm due some compensation in a few weeks for a accident I had at work it's only a few grand but he's already asked for the car money all of it back and it's Xmas coming up etc and wanted to save some for a rainy day but now I'm thinking just pay him this £1000 what I owe him and get that off my case.

[LetsJunglyJumpToIt]

Your DP is an abusive cocklodger. Yes you made a mistake.

[Hobbes8]

You're not judging your partner harshly enough. He sounds like a right knob. Controlling, stingy, unaffectionate, uncaring.

[Shallishanti]

OP, your current partner sounds controlling to the point of being abusive.
See if you can find the Freedom Programme locally, I bet a lot of it will ring massive bells for you. As for the other bloke, being so full on in such a short time is not a great sign either.
I hope you don't have any DC, and you are free to move on more easily. You deserve so much better, everyone does.

[inlectorecumbit]

he is not a DP. He is a cocklodger
You would do well to get rid of him and spend a while on your own -to try working out just what you want/ expect/will tolerate in a DP

[MagpieWife]

Hey OP, you sound really confused and lost.

It sounds like the new man was lovely and made you feel good about yourself and your original partner is mean, stingy and makes you feel insecure and unhappy, so I can see why some posters think it's a no-brainer and you have made a mistake.

I do understand how you feel though - it's hard to leave what you know behind. I was in a similar situation once - I broke up with an ex who just wasn't right for me and then panicked and came very very close to taking him back. He also begged me to change my mind and it's hard to say no to that kind of pressure.

I'm so glad that I didn't take him back though - I'm now married to a great guy who is a thousand times the man was in every way.

You could do the same - although it sounds like you did make a big mistake, if the new guy isn't seeing anyone you still have time to turn things around.

Either way, I'm rooting for you.

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

See, if it was my house and my partner was refusing to split the bills and wasn't treating me like an equal, I'd be single in no time flat. And I'd sell the car, give him the outstanding money and get a cheap runaround.

It's easy for me to say, but I'm not living your life.

If you aren't happy, you have to do something about it.

[confused84]

Like when I was with the other person he asked what chocolate I liked and I said a flake and he brought me one from the shop a few days later and I text my friend about it and she was like wow your grateful for a flake and thought it was madness. It wasn't that it's because he remembered what I liked and bought it for me. Maybe you are right and I'm judging my partner to harshly

[confused84]

Sorry just feel i have to paint a picture here that I'm not after someone's money or anything. I just wasn't used to someone buying me things and taking me out for dinner that's all and it showed me another life that people can be generous etc but I'm not materialistic I buy my clothes from primark he wears armarni. I'm not bothered about those things I just want to feel cared about and special to someone and someone to ask how my day is or would I like a drink sometimes.

[confused84]

He also bought me a car that I didn't want as I my car broke and he made out it was a gift but then asked for the money back a few wks later. I can't afford it all back at once so I pay monthly for the car when I would of got myself a cheaper car but he insisted and never said it was a loan and I wish I never had the car and it's brought up in every argument.

[confused84]

Like the sky got cut off as I couldn't afford the bill this month and he won't pay he's on £1000 a week roughly most wks and asked me when I'm paying but I can't afford it I've got three children aswell.
I said if you want to put half each to the bill this month we can pay it but he won't. He just gives me money for shopping each wk and that's it.
I don't care about having sky he originally paid the first bill so we could have sky but I struggle with all my other bills so it's cut off and not been put back on now.