This time 24hrs ago I realised my OH hadn't come home...

[SnowBodyforrrrm]

He popped out to a friends birthdays drink taking our family car at 8pm, saying he'd be back in a hour. He called me at 10.30ish saying he'd be back soon and I'd cooked him some food for when he got in.

I'd had a busy day with our four kids (9,5,4&4) so I went to bed around 11ish. I didn't call him as I thought let him stay and enjoy himself, he was only drinking lemonade so I wasn't worried about him driving home.

2am my twins come into my bedroom. I wake up and realise he's not home, I ring him repeatedly and his phone is off.

I fall back to sleep eventually and wake at 8am and his phone is now just ringing out. I get hold of him 8.30ish, he claims he was at his mums.

It took all day but at around 4pm, he admits he met some woman and went back to hers. They slept together. He destroyed our family.

He had nothing left to lose by telling me. I threw him out this morning when he didn't return. I'm not stupid.

I don't know why I've even come here. I don't need anyone to tell me to leave him, I've done that. My life is in bits. I was just starting to get some of it back after battling a brain tumour last year and seeing my twins finally go off to school. I had a bit of time for me again. I haven't been able to have sex with him since last June. I fell ill in July over night, nearly died, was diagnosed with a tumour, had surgery all within a month. I was put on steroids and other antiseizure drugs and have ballooned by over 3st. I feel disgusting. I told him when he'd try and initiate sex, that it was me and how I felt about my self that was the problem. Maybe I should feel grateful he waited a year before doing it.

He's all I've known since I was 18, I'm 30 now. I loved him so much.

I'm so sad for my family. I'm so worried for our future. I can't support us on my own. My tumour is likely to come back. It's such a bloody mess and I don't think I can cope.

[Puff42]

I'm so sorry I can't imagine what a shock this has been.

[gettingitwrongputingitright]

Oh god op what a complete wanker. Keep posting on here.

[laurenandsophie]

OP, no advice, just sympathy and sadness for you. You are incredible. Your heart will mend, this current situation will be resolved, things will be good again. I am so sorry for you.

[Patsy99]

This is horrible for you, I'm sorry.

But . . . can I suggest slowing right down. Do you actually want the relationship to end? Does he?

You've both been through a terrible time with the brain tumour and that will put the relationship under massive strain. Sometimes people fuck up. Has he ever done something like this before?

You sound loving towards him in your OP.

Before rushing to end everything I'd sit and think about what you want and whether the relationship can be repaired

[ImperialBlether]

What a horrible situation. Good for you for dealing with it like that.



On a practical basis, here is the calculator for child maintenance and here is the calculator for tax credits.

[Gazelda]

One step at a time.

Write a list of things you need to sort. Talk it over with a friend then take each item in priority order.

Don't place more stress on yourself than is absolutely necessary, just aim to get through today and then through the rest of the week. Apply for everything you're entitled to asap, to give yourself some breathing space. Don't make any major decisions until you are feeling less shocked.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Reach out to people you can trust to support you emotionally, hug you when you need it and be your cheerleader when you need strength.

[HerRoyalNotness]

💐

I don't have anything for advice, but I wondered if your mum was going to retire in July, would she be able to help you with the DC after school to enable you get get a more well paying FT job? Something to discuss and think about.

Don't panic and rush into anything, take your time, see if your X will pay the mortgage at least for 6mthd until you can work out a solid plan

[SnowBodyforrrrm]

Thank you all so much for your lovely responses. Sorry I've taken time to come back. The last few days have been a whirlwind. I've taken practical steps like seeing my GP on Monday and the CAB yesterday. I was supposed to see a family solicitor today but I've put that on hold now. We met today for a coffee and a talk without the kids around. I know he's desperately sorry and I know he has never done anything like this before. My initial anger has subsided and I've decided the next step to take is to go to relate together as this was just one of many things that haven't made for a healthy relationship over the last year or two. I know it's not entirely his fault we've ended up this way (of course the cheating is solely his fault) but I've been very wrapped up in myself and my kids for a long time, I have really ignored him so I know I have played a part in this mess.

I'm holding fire on the house, he's going to continue paying though he's not living here and I got some more hours at work which will help. You're right in saying my kids need a stable roof over their heads until I decide one way or another what to do.

Part of me feels stupid for even contemplating trying to make it work. But I love him and I know he loves me. We've taken each other for granted just lately. I genuinely believe this was a one off moment of madness. I can always tell when he's lying as he's awful at it hence how I caught him out so quickly on Sunday. I won't even consider him returning to our home for a long time though if we do try again. It'll be small steps for a long time.

Am I crazy for even thinking about trying to forgive him?

[Bestthingever]

There's no right answer Op. Some people are able to reconcile and make it work. I wish you the best of luck.

[6demandingchildren]

Good luck I hope you can sort your marriage out. Just don't try and get things back to how it was. This is a new chapter and a fresh start xx

[Vagabond]

You're not crazy. You have 4 children, a young family and responsibilities. At least he didn't string you along and lie and lie.

I'm a forgiving person who knows lots of happy couple who have cheated on each other and are still happy (both discovered and secret affairs) after 30 years of marriage. I include my own parents in that.

I think with what you've been through with your health problems and your young family, trying to go it alone will be harder on you than trying to rebuild your marriage.

People on MN will say I'm crazy but I absolutely believe that a marriage can recover from this. I know that, because I've seen it many times.

[ThatStewie]

No one can really advise you on what is best at this point. Relate can be helpful but please remember that NOTHING you did caused him to cheat. It doesn't matter how wrapped up you were in your children or that you took each other for granted. He made a choice to cheat rather than to talk to you or suggest counselling. You've also had a severely traumatic experience; not to mention 4 very young children (and 3 under age of 2 at one point!)

Give yourself time to reflect on what you want and need. And, above all, be kind to yourself. His choice to cheat is not your fault. He needs to fix this. Not you.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Snowbody ((((hugs))))

I know it's not entirely his fault we've ended up this way (of course the cheating is solely his fault) but I've been very wrapped up in myself and my kids for a long time

You mean having and battling a brain tumour and raising four DC (I'm assuming his four DC)! Neither of those in my eyes are a valid excuse for what he did (not that there is any really). If he was unsupportive and left the majority of the donkey work to you then he can't complain you had no time for him. Please don't blame yourself, he chose to do this.

Sorry to say this but on a practical level he needs to tell you if he used protection as you'll both need to be tested for STIs.

You decide what you want for your future, it's barely hours since you found out, give yourself time to think x

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

ThatStewie summed it up better.

[Patsy99]

Only you can decide what feels right for you and the cheating is a terrible thing to do. But to my mind (if it's genuinely a one off one night stand) it's not the same as an affair with all the ongoing deception and premeditation that involves.

Also if he's been a loving and supportive partner over the last year that counts for a lot. Whilst you're off course not to blame for the lack of sex (you've been seriously ill) it's another strain on the relationship.

I've experienced a brain tumour in my immediate family and watched a marriage fall apart as a consequence. I think it creates such enormous pressure on everyone sometimes people just can't cope and react by doing destructive things to escape. Speaking from the experience in my family, the fall out of the relationship crumbling has made a bad situation much worse and I think it's really sad it couldn't be worked out.

It does sound like you and dp love each other.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

I just cannot comprehend how he could do that to you after everything you have been through (I am weeping inside).
I really hope he does everything to put it right.
All the very best wishes xxx

[smilingeyes11]

so you are saying his unfaithfulness is ok because you neglected him. Oh dearie dearie me. Sorry but I think he has done a number on you and you are so desperate to cling onto your life that you will accept responsibility for his fecklessness.

[Rachelly123]

I've been in your position with my ex. He did the same to me around 5 times and I kept having him back. Leaving him was the best decision I ever made.
I am so much happier now and I am a far better parent without him in my life. 2 years ago I was homeless and thought I would never cope on my own with a 1 year old and working 50 hours a week but I did.
Like me you are young enough to meet someone else and move on from this. It sounds like you have a lot more strength than I had. X X

[catchingzzzeds]

You've had some great advice on here but trust your own judgement and the history of your relationship. If you still live each other then of course you can try and make it work. If nothing else at least you'll know you've tried.
In the meantime make sure you've started your claim for child tax credits and working tax credits, I think you might be entitled to quite a lot. Before you sign up for the extra hours at work use the Entitled To calculator to work out what you'd be entitled to for your current hours and the new hours, you may be better off sticking as you are.

[gettingitwrongputingitright]

No op your not crazy. You feel how you feel. It sounds like you are taking it slowly slowly which imo is good. Good luck

[gettingitwrongputingitright]

Oh and get yourself sortedfinancially just in case.

[Imbroglio]

Agree with Patsy it sounds like it's been a terrible time for both of you. If you both want it to work, and your instincts are that it could, you will get through this.

[AcrossthePond55]

Please, please if nothing else do NOT accept one iota of blame for his infidelity. It is never, ever the innocent spouse's fault. No matter how bad a marriage may be the right thing for the guilty spouse to have done would have been to talk about the problem or to leave if they feel the marriage is beyond saving. You never turn outside a marriage to solve a problem within a marriage.

If you choose to go to counseling to try to save the marriage I wish you the best of luck. But remember that the issues that he perceives 'caused the problems' were your care for your children and the fact that you had a frigging brain tumour. Both of these things are things that, with a considerate spouse, would cause that spouse to support you even more.

[Atenco]

At least he didn't string you along and lie and lie

I do think that the fact that he was honest is a good sign.

So sorry you are going through this. But make sure you apply for all the benefits you are entitled to.