Unreacting ?

[user1474842169]

I have been with my partner for 18 months. We both have children, don't live together & due to distance/work manage to see each other about twice a week. Although separated from his STBXW he has only recently moved out of the family home.
A few weeks ago he was overseas for work & suggested I pick him up on his return & for me to book a hotel for the night. He said there was no rush to get back the next day and we could make a day of it - long leisurely breakfast followed by a walk etc.
I booked a gorgeous hotel, preened myself & duly picked him up - an hrs drive for me. I arranged drinks, dinner & food that I know he liked.
The hotel and afternoon was amazing & all was going great until he said "oh, hope this doesn't mess with your plans but I have decided to leave at 7am (actually I was to drive him back) as I think I need to get back to help with the children (he has 3)" - I kinda threw a wobbly & created an argument which ruined our time. I completely understand his children come first as mine would & now feel irrational about it.
However, the next day he messaged me to say '' Mrs has suggested I stay at the house tonight as it would save me driving back & forth but she is going out so I get to spend quality time with the 2 Ds & 1DD"
I said "i bet she has no intention of going out"
Anyway she didn't go out - I knew this before he told me as I only 1 very late message. She knows all about me.
I then get a photo from him of the breakfast table - "look what I have to deal with !!"
So they then have a family lunch before he then meets me for a very quick very late drink (35 minute drive)

I just feel incredibly pissed off - like a casual observer with their nose pressed up against the cake shop window.

Am I being unfair to him & did I over react ?

[daisychain01]

Please user147 he is showing you loud and clear what his thought processes are. He's a disingenuous cheat. Do you really want him to think he got away with it?

No matter the tough words you say you will be enabling this behaviour to come out again when he gets fed up of playing happy families with you.

It isn't a reflection on you. He's a loser. sorry to be blunt.

[laurenandsophie]

Er, I agree with the others that it sounds like you're on the side, and that he and his wife are still a family. Even if she knows about you - he might be playing you both. For all you know, he's convinced her he needs more sex than he can get from one woman, and she's also just accepting this guy's smooth talking. He doesn't sound like a catch, I gotta say. Sorry, OP. :/

[LesisMiserable]

This man is somebody's partner - but he's not yours OP.

[Only1scoop]

Please tell me he didn't leave you with the hotel bill?

[Whoooodat]

Agree with ayeamarok there. He set it all up so you would have the expense and effort and he didn't even fulfil his side of the bargain by spending the next day with you. Not even the morning!

I would feel very hurt and used if I were you.

[QueenLizIII]

The discourtesy of him ASKING me to book a hotel room for a lovely weekend when he arrives and then swanning off and leaving me with the bill for what he had asked for and said he wanted would be the deal breaker.

it's just rude and disrespectful

[Luvjubs]

Jesus no WAY would I be putting up with that!! He's sleeping with both of you

[TheNaze73]

Wake up & smell the coffee OP. He's taking the piss. His communication skills here aren't the best. He's not ready for a relationship by the sounds of things

[AyeAmarok]

I agree with everyone else, he's treating you terribly. He isn't considering you in any of this (yes, his DC come first, but contrary to what he's telling you, that's not what is going on here).

The hotel stunt was bad. He wangled an airport pickup, free night in a hotel and then a (very inconvenient for you) lift home, with you picking up all the expense and effort.

I don't think he's a good'un.

[pictish]

And what expat said too. This not his ex's doing, it's his.

[pictish]

Agree with goneto - he is using his status as a father as an excuse to treat you with disregard.
Nope!

[user1474842169]

Thanks for all your replies. It was late when I wrote the comment about her welding her power & on hindsight it was the wrong comment to make.
I am enabling him, wrongly.
I have told him to sort his shit out & give me a call when he is in a position where we can move forward - if I am still here there will much to discuss

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

He's messing you around pretending that making his kids a priority means it's acceptable to treat you rudely. He clearly isn't in the right place to honour commitments to you and the kids. And he can't be changing arrangements with you based upon what his ex suggests. There should be clear access times he can work around.

[expatinscotland]

'The STBXW is definitely welding her power at the moment'

No, he is. He's got you ferrying him round, providing nice sideline entertainment, and you're swallowing it hook, line and sinker. Stop blaming her.

[daisychain01]

He's doing a fine job of playing Superdad of the Year, slow hand clap.

And he enjoys you ferrying him around and arranging his accommodation. Please be clear that he is giving up nothing. You are giving up your peace of mind every moment you are with him.

Why not tell him that your priority is now 100% your DC, and you won't have any spare capacity to fit him in FO to the other side of

[MumblePuppy]

This is all kinds of wrong. Don't blame the STBXW. He would have been perfectly capable of handling this better, if it was just a genuine "I miss my kids" thing.

I think you need to face the fact that you are a lot less important to him than he is to you, and he is not treating you well.

If I was you I'd be very aware of the possibility of this being an affair (with you as the OW, texts are easy enough to fake), or a rebound relationship, or even that they are going to try to make a go of it "for the kids".

Doesn't really matter which of those it is, or whether this something else. It will end in tears- your tears. The only chance you have of retaining some dignity is to walk away now and not look back

[Only1scoop]

No way would I have got up to ferry him around upon HIM changing plans last minute.

He's having a great time with you at his beck and call.

[DeathStare]

Why did you drive him back from the hotel?

He rearranged plans without consultation with you, to plans that suited him and did not suit you. He then expected you to inconvenience yourself so that he could get what he wanted. AND YOU DID.

Why? If he was so insistent he wanted to leave your time together early why did you not tell him that in that case he needed to sort out his own arrangements to get home because - as previously agreed - you were having a long lie in at a luxurious hotel.

He is having his cake and eating it too. And you are delivering the cake to him. Stop enabling him to treat you badly.

[Somerville]

She wouldn't have power if he didn't give it to her, love.

What are you going to do about this 'relationship', d'you think?

[user1474842169]

God yes - I feel stupid. We have always gone Dutch or taken it in turns except the last few times. The STBXW is definitely welding her power at the moment

[QueenLizIII]

getting your monies worth at the hotel.

so he asked you to book and arrange and you paid.....

[user1474842169]

Yes I know that.
I also feel my known reasons for him leaving her are so cliche it makes me feel embarrassed :

No sex
Loving her as a friend but nothing else
Should never have married
Stagnation

[pictish]

Oh...three days. Righto. I was right the first time. Bollocks. He's not in it except nominally.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you deserve more than to be a distraction from what he'd rather be doing. You know that.

Out of interest, why did they split up?

[Somerville]

Well after three days abroad I would want to see my kids first, rather than my fiancé. So I don't find him wanting to do so, odd. However it is incredibly odd that he's being so poor at communicating plans to you, and messing you around in the process. You're not over-reacting to feel that.
And he's more than odd to be seeing his kids at his former marital home. Does he not have space for them in his new place or something?

This man doesn't sound like he had either the time or the emotional capacity for a new relationship. And you've been hurt before - you k is it's easier to e tri ate yourself sooner rather than later, don't you?

I'd bin him if I were you.

[user1474842169]

Yes I can as well - but we are talking 3 days