"Darling, that's just not helping"

[SharingMichelle]

Is what I said to my husband this morning.

I'm a bit torn between (a) feeling bad that I am not supporting him, when he always supports me, and (b) feeling frustrated that he is so bad at getting the kids out of the house in the morning.

I said it because he was having a go at our 8 yr old. The thing is, 2 minutes earlier I had also been shouting. The difference is that I yelled "DS! UPSTAIRS! TEETH!! NOW!" which moved us towards the goal of ds finally doing his teeth. Dh, instead, starting quizzing ds about WHY he was so unhelpful this morning. It went "Why haven't you cleaned your teeth yet? Why? Mummy asked you to three times already! Why haven't you done it? Why? Have you packed your bag yet? Why not? Where's your folder? Come on! Why aren't you ready?" And it was just horrid and badgering and I yelled at him that he wasn't helping.

Also, when I yell at the children, which I very rarely do, it is never in anger and I am sure it doesn't upset them in the slightest. If anything it's almost exasperated and funny. When I am genuinely cross I don't yell.

This snapshot is just an example of a common pattern; me doing everything 'right' and then getting cross with dh for getting it wrong. It's horrid of me to think it's like that, but although I do see how I'm in the wrong, I think there is a grain of truth in it too. I put a lot more effort in.

When dh is away I cheerfully get all children fed on a decent breakfast, time for chatting, everyone with the right kit, all book bags signed, and in to school in plenty of time. There's only grumpiness and shouting when he's here to 'help'.

At one point this morning I actually told him to go upstairs to get himself ready for work, like he was one of the children :(

I was thinking of talking to him about it. I want to say that I understand I'm a bit control freaky in the mornings, and I apologise for undermining him, but also could he please think about helping us to move positively towards the goal of everyone leaving the house by 7am, still on speaking terms?

I also want to ask him to have another look at HTTSYKWL.

Gawd, am I about to get a roasting? I do sound smug and controlly (because I am a bit, I do work on it and try not to be too unsufferable), but the issue right now is that my husband is probably feeling hurt and a bit unimportant in family life, and I want to fix that.

[Superstar90]

I wouldn't make a big deal of it - just say that children respond better to direct instructions.

make sure you both have specific responsibilities for tasks in am - him breakfasts, you teeth etc

Not relevant to your question directly but you some like you have a fear of conflict. It's ok for a parent to be human sometimes!

Your DH sounds wonderful backing you up so its just a minor tweak to perfection on how he does it!

[SharingMichelle]

Hello everyone. OP here.

I think writing my massive long OP actually got a whole load of irritation out of my system. Dh and I have both apologised, me for being a smug, insufferable control freak and him for being grumpy, shouty and unhelpful. We are friends again.

I've had a bit of a giggle at some of the more extreme advice (I do genuinely love my husband, honest!) and I've taken on board the more rational stuff.

I think I will actually pick the right moment to speak to him about how we can better support each other when we have one of 'those' mornings. I like the ideas about each having separate things to achieve.

Honestly, I think this morning was just a bad one - combination of ds being unusually head-in-the-clouds, dh being grumpy, me being snippy, everyone a bit tired. We're usually better organised and kinder to each other. We need to be able to keep being that when things are more stressful.

[FeralBeryl]

Ok - what is the giant acronym standing for please? My head hurts trying to guess.
I'm still digesting the rest of the OP...

[SatsukiKusakabe]

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk?

This is the book I also keep asking my dh to read our kids will be grown up before he gets round to it but never mind.

[LineyReborn]

Everyone out at 7am though.

[Oblomov16]

How to talk is a good book. for anytime, because it reminds us how to talk to children, gently.
However, is primarily toddler based : how do I get you to do what I want; i'll give you a choice, which really isn't an actual choice - ie, its quite clever - do you want blue socks or red socks / do you want to do it right now or in 5 minutes.

But, with an 8 year old they shouldn't need this baby'ish guidance. Yr3? is supposed to be independence, getting organised.
How many times, do we need to tell them, to ...... brush their teach, remember football kit, hand in homework, etc. I know, because I stand there, saying to my 2, "how many more times do I need to ...."

But seriously, I agree with your husband. He's asking them, why aren't you doing this? You know its supposed to be done. Its been drummed into you for years. Why does your mum still have to badger you to do it. He's got a point. His timing, and the way he phrased it, may not be the best, but he's actually sticking up for you, asking them why they still need to be reminded. Maybe this can be discussed in a more calm environment.

(and if you get the answer, PLEASE let me know, coz I am none-the-wiser!!

And to ask yourself, why are you still pandering to them, mollycoddling to them. Maybe you too should take a step back.

Our school begs parents to take a step back, not to pander them, to get them to do it for themselves. I am still trying to do this.

[SatsukiKusakabe]

I disagree she is pandering to them. The stuff he is doing is at best ineffectual and at worst hectoring, and they will tune it out. My kids get themselves dressed and their stuff together and shoes on, and they are only little. Independence and self responsibility are important, but there are effective ways to go about it, and I don't believe getting waylaid with a lot of whining "whys?" Is effective. It's meaningless. There is no why; they are children and get distracted, that's why.

How to talk isn't just for toddlers and not just giving them fake choices either, it's about finding ways to involve them and guide them in making their own decisions, from what I remember anyway. A lot of the scenarios are entirely for 8 year olds as they were not appropriate to me with toddlers at the time.

[ayeokthen]

Glad you got it sorted OP, sounds like a crap morning and one of those days.