Can someone please hold my hand?

[fivetosix]

Married for 12 years in a relationship full of emotional abuse, sometimes physical, a constant feeling of never being good enough, OH out constantly and I never did anything to keep him home because I will sick of walking on eggshells.

I told him over a week ago I wanted out. He moved his things out. We have been civil since. We knew this was a long time coming.

The problem is, other than our three DCs, I have nobody. My parents have both died and I have no siblings. There are relatives but family issues in the past meant that I haven't had contact in years. His parents are overseas but he has a huge network of friends.

I was very much dependent upon him for everything. Now it's my turn to rule the roost, I'm scared. More than anything though, I feel alone. I have a small handful of friends who are aware of the situation, but whilst I put my whole life into looking after the children, I no longer have anybody to look after me

He told me last week to look at this as a fresh start in life, that I should embrace it and be happy. He told me that he wouldn't leave me high and dry, that as long as I needed support, he would be there. I can't go to him though every time I feel lonely or need a shoulder to cry on. We lead separate lives now.

Whilst I've spent today trying to keep three children entertained and my head out of my ass, he seems to have his whole life sorted and prioritised.

I want to be someone and do something with my life, but if I go back to work, I would be much worse off financially. My friends have told me to take some time out for myself for a while and just get through things day by day, but I'm my own worse enemy and do far too much dwelling in my head.

Please tell me it will be ok. That even if I have nobody, that I can do this. I have to do this for my kids, but at the moment I'm struggling to get through the day without thinking I'm setting myself up for failure

[fivetosix]

Just to add my DS is disabled so we receive DLA on his behalf and I am his carer (although CA will cease when I go back to work)

[Cary2012]

You'll be fine OP,

I was left after twenty years with three kids, so I know how you feel.

I know what you mean about a relaxed home, it made
such a difference just to be able to relax, the kids were more relaxed too.

I'm not going to pretend it isn't scary, it is. But it's also exciting! You can cook what you want, eat what you want, watch what you want on tv. For me, cancelling the Sky football deal was a very special moment!

So grab your new life with both hands and enjoy!

Change the furniture, repaint the walls...do what you want.

But do get legal advice, that's important re finances.

[fivetosix]

Using an online calculator, I have worked out that I would be £130 better off a week going back to part time work.

Taking into account all incoming and outgoing, I have worked out that I would have £1300 left at the end of each month. However, I'm not sure how much I'm shooting myself in the foot if I say I will cover all outgoings except STBX credit cards and outstanding loan (used for build/repairs on the house that I live in with the kids and he's moved out of).

I need so much to start to become independent from him however neither of us can afford to buy the other out of the home. He would still have his earnings from the business in his name and use them to pay for the business rent/rates/bills etc (he has moved to the flag upstairs.

Now I admit I am completely clueless when it comes to this kind of thing. Am I being too generous or not generous enough?

[fivetosix]

It was only earlier this afternoon I thought the exact same thing I do love a pretty notebook.

[DraughtyWindow]

Good idea!

[mumndad37]

Something that really, really helped me in my darkest days early divorce period was to get a nice journal/notebook and every day before going to bed just take time to write down whatever good things happened that day. It really did help!! We do tend to overlook good things unless we make a conscious effort to be on the watch for them, and it is actually amazing how many good things do happen. Reading the notes later still cheers me up, though after a while I noticed good things without taking special time to write them down. Try it. I never would have believed how much it can help.

[DraughtyWindow]

Ah thank you nicenewdusters and five Done nothing out of the ordinary today but at least the sun is shining. I am however feeling very OLD!
Yes, writing stuff down is really helpful... You could also make a list of exactly what is worrying you and then deal with each item individually (by coming up with options/solutions that work for you. CAB will help too.
We are all here to support you. You can PM me if you want to, I'd be glad to help out wherever I can, although I'm no expert on benefit entitlements.

[fivetosix]

Honestly, I have let him deal with the finances for the past 12 years and I just don't have a clue where to start. He knows he has the upper hand in all of this.

I will try to clear my head and get things onto paper. I'm sure you lovely people would also be able to point me in the right direction too.

[nicenewdusters]

Let the tears come OP, it's only natural. Keep on doing the practical stuff, it'll keep the momentum going.

[fivetosix]

Hellsbells- I didn't mean for that to sound snappy, I am sorry. I am hoping to get back into running when I can get my head out of the fog and find my mojo. It will give me something to focus on for definite. Thank you for your kind words

[fivetosix]

Running- I won a ballot place in this year's London Marathon until he told me I was being ridiculous and why did I need to go to London when I could run around the park

Happy birthday Draughty I hope you manage to have an amazing day!

I have spent most of the morning in tears. I'm in such an unstable position financially that thinking about it makes me head explode. I need to contact CAB so will be making a list of incomings and outgoings.

I feel immensely stupid for the decision I haven't made and times I haven't spoken up in the past. It's all coming back to haunt me now

[hellsbellsmelons]

You could get into running.
Would that be something you can do to keep yourself busy when he has the DC?
There's an app called C25K 'couch to 5K'
No money required.
I know when I split with my Ex, exercise really helped.

You are being so strong so keep going.
You can and will do this.
You've been doing for years already.

As the saying goes:-
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option!

Well done and good luck!

[nicenewdusters]

Happy birthday Draughty

Enjoy your day OP. It'll be strange but it will become your new normal.

[DraughtyWindow]

How are you doing OP?

[fivetosix]

In this together my dear

We can get out of this and we will.

[AgnesNoname]

Hi Five,
I am going through similar as well, you are not alone
And you are strong enough

[fivetosix]

New week and a new start. He has just been to collect the kids for their two days with him. It's Eid today and the other day he mentioned taking them out for a meal but as a family so they could enjoy their day. No mention of it when he called yesterday or again this morning. I certainly wasn't going to ask him and make it appear I was fishing. I will take the children out somewhere to celebrate when they're back on Wednesday, but in the meantime I'll have a quiet day alone.

It's the little things like that which I need time to adjust to.

I am strong enough. I think.

[mamakena]

You are already a warrior for having the courage to end an abusive relationship of many years. That stuff can really mess with your heart and mind. Give it time, the fog will clear. Then you'll start seeing the freedom of not walking on eggshells, not being belittled and abused... And one day you'll simply jump for joy as you realize the new dawn of a free life. I'm in that journey too. ... best wishes

[fivetosix]

Yes you are so very right.

I was ready to ring/text him about the situation but needed to calm myself down first before I said the wrong thing. I have had time to gather my thoughts and will speak to him at a better time without the children hearing what is being said.

You have all been amazingly supportive. Thanks to you all, I know I can do this

[DraughtyWindow]

3rd thing on The Bucket List will be your own transport then... And also to firmly reiterate that any plans made involving the children should not be changed last minute unless in an emergency. Routine will be in your children's best interest - tell him that. Do not be afraid now to be firm. You are not to be walked all over. You've had enough of that remember?

[GinBunny]

Five, I know it is hard, whether you had it planned or not. I guess it's like a bereavement where someone has been ill for a while, you expect it but still have to grieve when it happens.
Don't worry about how you should be feeling, right now my emotions change on a minute by minute basis and I am sure you feel the same.

[fivetosix]

Patience- was never my strong point! However, the last few days I've been watching myself and I am becoming so much tolerant and relaxed at home because I'm not on edge. Everything is on my terms, or sometimes those of the kids when I let them

I feel like I can get to know myself again and lose the person I have been made into.

Three kids can sometimes be overwhelming, but it's at times like this when they're all in bed and I can't sit back and think 'girl, you've got yourself through another day'

[Gracey1231]

I'm here to hold your hand! You will be okay, you are so very strong raising your children as a single parent and that strength will get you through such hard times honey. You can do it! Just be patient, Rome wasn't built in a day, baby steps are key during sadness. But you can do it. I'm always here as a listening ear ❤️

[fivetosix]

Oh GinBunny- I'm here to hold your hand.

Ours was on the cards for a while to be honest. I have my suspicions he may have cheated but no evidence. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

I'm not sure what is the right way for me to feel to be honest. I wanted out, so it should be relief and happiness, but 12 years of marriage is a big thing to let go of.

I am having to take it a day at a time. I have so many dreams for the future, but am scared to dream too much in case that gets taken away from me too.

[GinBunny]

Hey Five, I'm here for a chat if you want. I'm a week into a breakup after finding out H cheated on me. I've been NC with him since Tuesday because being in contact was wrecking me. I want to speak to him but I know he is making a go of it with her and it's breaking my heart. I'm scared about the future and about how to cope financially. I have no DCs but dogs and at this point in time it looks like I am going to have to move into a flat (which we own and rent out) and there is a clause in the lease to say no pets, so I might have to give up my dogs too.
How your life can change in just a few days