A support threat for those who have NC with siblings

[RustyPaperclip]

After a lovely message from another poster (yes that would be you Bods!) I would like to reach out to other posters who have a difficult relationship/NC with siblings. MN is incredibly supportive of all kind of relationships but I wasn't sure if a thread existed where we could all rant about our difficult relationships with our siblings. You know, those people we have known us all our lives, who should know us better than anyone, but instead are strangers/enemies. I know that I am struggling tonight

[Bagpuss1200]

I've had NC with DB for past 4 years now. He became an alcoholic 22 years ago, just before my DD passed away. Since then he became a continual drain on myself, DM and my DP. We tried so so many times to help him out and even had him home to live with us, in the end he stole, destroyed DM's house and frightened her so much that we had to have the Police to physically remove him. I found out after that he was telling everyone that I was the reason he had alcohol issues as I left him to look after DM!!!! Even though I was working full time and caring for DM every evening and weekends. DM sadly passed last year and a mutual friend advised him of her passing. He showed up at the funeral without showing any sadness or remorse, did not even send a card or flowers in memory of his DM. I'll never acknowledge him again, he is just pure evil and won't be changed. Even the family GP has advised to stay away from him as he is bad news.

[AmongUs]

Reading this for support, glad I found it. Thanks to everyone for sharing.

NC with mother and sister for 1.5 years as mother sided with sister. Slowly becoming stronger but the betrayal still hurts. Can never trust them again and don't want to know them. Given up trying to figure out why people behave the way they do.
Coming to terms with it and getting on with life but I still think about it and it gets me down sometimes.

I think what we mourn is the relationship we hoped for. We have this societal vision of family, where everyone gets along, loves each other unconditionally, has each other's back and everything is perfect. The problem is that vision is usually not what is the reality for a lot of people.

Reading these threads has made me feel that I'm not alone and big family fall outs with long lasting consequences do happen. Thanks for the support.

[Ilovecharliecat]

My ex husband (sorry I can't even call him DHXH) has cut his brother out of his life after his mother passing, to the point that he wouldn't even allow his brother to stay at their parents house with his father after coming home from abroad (don't want to disclose where but 8+ hour flight). I had to contact my X niece via Facebook to find a phone number for my kids to see their uncle and auntie (without their father knowing) my kids are both teens so I didn't push them into it, it was their decision. What I'm trying to say is sometimes people want to go NC, and I appreciate that. But sometimes family need to keep in contact. Sorry if this post is inappropriate, just trying to give another perspective and no offence to other posters

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Offers hand to hold.
It is hard. You mentioned being named executor up thread. Is someone you were close to recently deceased? I can imagine that would make feelings more sensitive.
I am sorry they didn't pick up your call and denied you a chance to say anything. But that may have also spared you hearing cutting remarks from them...so in a way it was good they didn't answer

I sometimes think of it (nc with family part/whole) as working without a net. One would generally believe family members would be there to support you. But sometimes, with reason or no reason, it doesn't work out that way.
Detaching from my sister was a difficult decision because she spent a lot of money on us/organized activities ect. It was a little materialistic of me to think about it- which would just be using her. I got over it somehow. (No amount of theater tickets was going to justify putting up with the emotional abuse.)

Anyway, as with school friends or other relationships, sometimes relationships run their course or the people are just not on the same page any more. I think that can happen with siblings too as they have their own families and careers and interests that shift siblings further and further down their list of priorities. Not your fault.

Sorry to go on and on without knowing the circumstances of your family dynamic. I may be well off base/too simplistic.

[RustyPaperclip]

I am such an idiot, in a moment of weakness I tried to ring them and they didn't answer. Of course they didn't, I am clearly the antichrist to them. I have spent my whole life looking up to them, admiring them, but they hate me and I dont know why. Growing up they they were everything to me and their disdain hurts me so much. Just venting right now and crying

[peanutnutty]

Rusty I don't know if it's worse with her being a twin. Had we still been in the same area, I think it would have been worse, being split by distance means I don't have to avoid her as such.
I contacted her eldest dd (who I watched being born), sent her some money for her birthday. The money came back with the letter.
My eldest dd and her middle dd were born 2 weeks apart, hers being the eldest. She took the name I had decided for my dd (we were still okay at that time).
My dd and her dd have been in contact over Instagram and wanted to meet up. I facilitated this as I don't want my dd to miss out because of me. My dd went off with her and her children, where the youngest said "your mum hates my mum". My poor dd (12 at time) didn't know what to say. She has never heard me bad mouth my sister and is not aware why we fell out.

That really sums my sister up, it is all about her.

I don't attend family events, the last one was a significant birthday. Her dh contacted my dh and asked if we'd come, as she wants to put it all behind her. It was a no from me. He then text and asked if just my dh and dd's would go. My dh was so disgusted by that suggestion that he didn't bother responding.

So, in her eyes, I suspect she thinks she has done everything to reconcile and has offered an olive branch.
She doesn't see that she needs to apologise for her initial insults of my parenting and dd but more so her letter.

[SparkleSoiree]

I'm the eldest of four. My three siblings have gone NC with me, for reasons known only to themselves but I suspect it's related to my relationship with my mum - they view me as GC. They have all gone NC with me as a trio on and off for over 20yrs. This latest episode has been five years. My children have no relationship with their cousins as they only ever spent a few months at a time in contact with them. My 3 siblings are so friendly with our extended family that myself, DH and children often don't receive invites to family events whereas my siblings do, emphasising the feeling of exclusion. I love and miss one of my sisters very deeply as we endured so much as children but counselling has helped me accept that I cannot change this situation and have started to properly grieve the loss of them from my life as a permanent event. I don't ever want them to have the opportunity to do this to us again, it's too painful and mind-fucking when they ignore me and refuse to at least tell me why they have ignore me. The extended family all feel very sorry for them and that really confuses me.

[Hoppinggreen]

I'm nc with my brother. Ironically it was actually Him who made that decision when I tentatively suggested something he was about to do might actually be illegal.
He's done me a favour to be honest as it's probably not something I probably would have plucked up the courage to do as my Mum finds it very upsetting .
It's a relief to be honest but luckily for me I do still have some contact wth my sil and the children, which is what would really have hurt.

[CoverYourEarsTeam]

Thanks knaffedoff, I'm counting on the karma bus too, driving at great speed with any luck . My SIL is too clever at this to have ever messaged me (or called me, in 10 years) but she's such a controlling madam I'm sure her true colours will come out eventually. But the BIL is an arsehat too, so probably not much to gain.

[mummyto2monkeys]

I am not nc, but then I am. I have two younger brothers, both still living with my parents at 32 and 33. My Mum calls several times a day, she talks about my brothers. They send money and a card for my children at birthdays and Christmas. My two children love them to bits, my husband takes them to my Mum's and they play doting Uncle's. I see them once a year, at Christmas, they drive out together at lunch time on Christmas Day and leave again as soon as we have finished our Christmas meal.

My eldest brother can't handle seeing me disabled, I have been wheelchair bound for going on five years and he can't cope so he avoids having to see me. This has been incredibly hurtful as we were so close beforehand, he would come out and stay to help me when my children were tiny. My husband used to work away and my brother came out and took care of all night feeds and nappy changes during the night just after my dd was born, until my dh returned. He is a fantastic Uncle and adores my children, so I would never go nc.

My youngest brother and I were very close throughout childhood, however he was always jealous of me especially my relationship with my Mum. He is a great guy, has a great personality and larger than life. He is great with my children and they adore him. He is just wrapped upon his own life.

My husband only has one sibling his younger brother, unfortunately they are nc as we chose to go nc with narcissist in-laws. Bil took in-laws side and other than being Facebook friends they haven't spoke in years.

I feel incredibly sad that our children see such poor examples of sibling relationships. It hurts that my brothers don't want to see me, they are so stressed and awkward when they visit and obviously couldn't leave fast enough. I think that my brothers feel they don't need to speak to me because my Mum updates them on what is happening every day. But I won't hide that it hurts. I have spoken to my parents about it and my Mum makes excuses, my Dad gets angry at them and I get the impression it is something that he tries to discuss with my brothers regularly but to no avail. I love my brothers and miss the closeness we had when we were younger.....but I have come to the stage where I have accepted that my brothers don't want a relationship with me. I have told my parents that I don't want them to feel forced into coming to our house for Christmas. Only time will tell whether they will choose to come....

[knaffedoff]

cover my sister is the same, lovely to everyone, can't do enough for others and the rest of the family, appear to think it's me. I once showed them messages I had received, they were stunned. Sadly, I know that she talks a really good game, so she manipulates and puts across her side, which leaves the family caught in the middle and confused. I am relying on karma

[knaffedoff]

I don't have contact with my nephews, my children miss their cousins and I have reached out several times to maintain a relationship amongst the children, sadly I believe the nephews have been poisoned against me, as they wont come unless mum is invited, as its rude to exclude someone but the nephew is nearly 10. Plays at friends houses / enjoys sleepovers etc but because I won't invite the whole family, I am being unkind. I won't invite my sister over, she is rude, ungrateful and extremely judgemental about me and she and now she criticises my kids☹️

[CoverYourEarsTeam]

(I am raspberryberet from earlier. I NC because the spelling error bugged me)
My BIL and his wife aren't as bad as some of this lot, but bad enough. They have cut us out of their lives, despite living only two suburbs away (the only members of my husband's family in this country). "I can't do Christmas any more," he says, "I have a family now". His horrible wife just ignores us - we take lunch when their first baby is born and she sits upstairs until some of their friends arrive, whereupon she skips down the stairs and they all sit and chat in a group and we (me, husband, two sons) are left sitting in the corner. No invite to daughter's first birthday or anything subsequent, no invite to joint christening of both girls. I was deleted off Facebook years ago, so that's been made pretty clear.
They did a poem asking for money as gifts for their wedding - to help pay their mortgage. We gave them the equivalent value in a voucher to a hardware chain - she rang up the next day asking for directions to the shop, but not a word of thanks.
They no longer buy our kids gifts (or we theirs), but when they did, ours would get the cheapest, nasty plastic shite possible. Then they'd sit at ours and tell us about all the time and money they spent on her nephew, who is the same age as our youngest. Then there was the time we organised to visit them on my son's 6th birthday, only to find they'd gone out when we got there.
I have to ask friends and neighbours to be emergency school contacts for my kids. Neither of these two would even know which school my boys go to. And couldn't care less.
There's more, although I suppose it's not as bad as plenty on here. We feel thoroughly isolated, because the rest of the extended family is treated so differently (phone calls, attention, good times, great gifts etc) and doesn't understand what has gone on. I tell myself the behaviour and choices reflect more on them than on us, and we're better off without such nasty, entitled people in our lives. But I do wish it was at least a bit different.

[RustyPaperclip]

Thank you GinBunny i have been struggling for too long and wanted to reach out to other people who might be feeling the same. It's tough to be anonymous though. I can't help but wonder if my siblings might see this, yet at the same time I kinda want them to know how much they have hurt me

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

I'm place marking so I get email reminders about this thread, so I can come back to it tomorrow when I'm on a proper keyboard.

I'm very low contact with my sibling. Last saw her three years ago, spoken to her a handful of times since (when I'm at our mother's house and I get forced to speak to her on the phone). She's a narc and a bully who has never forgiven me for being born. I walked past her in the street about four years ago and had a panic attack (she didn't notice me, thank goodness, but I still freaked out).

[chocolatespiders]

I have been NC with my dB for nearly 4 years.. we were unbelievably close and a great support for each other through difficult times.
Problem arose when he met his partner and she didn't like our relationship. He also has NC with my mum for the Same reasons.
I send his children a birthday card from my children.
He sometimes picks my children up possibly twice a year to spend some time with them.
He lives 5 mins from me and it is heartbreaking.

[GinBunny]

I'm so sorry for what you have been through Rusty, and everyone else on this thread. I've wanted to start a similar thread for as long as I have been on MN but didn't because it is very identifying and painful. But thank you, I finally feel I have a safe space where I realise that I am not alone.
and to all of us.

[GinBunny]

Rusty: I think what hurts the most is losing any contact with my nieces, I doubt they even remember me now.
Losing contact with my nephews and niece has been the worse thing about it all. I loved them so much and spent all my time with them before going NC and the sole reason I didn't do it sooner. Then I realised that she had poisoned them against me and they hate me now. That fucking broke me and sent me into therapy. I wish I believed in karma, that one day the truth would out and we would be reunited but she's so toxic that I believe that day will never come.

[Genovea]

I went NC with my mum 8 years ago. She and my step dad (an alcoholic) used to abuse me physically and emotionally, but it was my mother interfering and making negative comments about my adult life finally made me cut off contact for good.
My two siblings went silent immediately after this too and we've had no contact since. I knew that would happen. Sib 1, the elder was horrible and would say things like 'I hope you don't tell any of our mutual friends (about the physical abuse) because it would be embarrassing for me. Sib 2 was younger and I was always kind to her, but seems that counted for nothing.

Their birthdays can go by now without my remembering them. It's a relief mostly, but there are times when it feels sad to have so little family and I don't know what to tell people who ask if I have sisters, I make it sound like I'm still in contact I think, without being explicit about that or going into detail. There's also the worry people will think it's my fault for being estranged from so many.

[Aoibhe]

Can I ask, if you go NC with a sibling, what happens to your relationship with their child/ren? Do you still send birthday, Christmas presents etc?

[knaffedoff]

I am nc with my sibling, it saddens me that we don't share a friendship, but we never have and doubt we ever will. Life is better generally and less complicated nc

[springydaffs]

ime my twin cannot survive on this planet with me on it. So she has, from the year dot, tried her utmost to cancel me out at any and every opportunity.

[VanillaSugar]

You can always count on Mumsnet OP!!

[springydaffs]

Wow, I'm in the same position, peanut, though not identical and definitely not anything trivial.

When I left my abusive husband my family, particularly toxic twin, took him in like a long lost son/brother. They made it perfectly clear I was out and he was in. He was invited to all the family events and I wasn't.

As I said, toxic brood.