AIBU or is EX Abusive DP? Regarding contact with DS

[notgivingin789]

Hey all;

I have a 6 year old DS and I was in a relationship with his dad ( well just recently broken up with him).

DS dad was very abusive towards me, but touch wood, he hasn't been physically abusive towards me for two years. Though he still is emotionally abusive and unpredictable.

The Social services and I concluded that the dad and DS should have contact time three times a month and he should pick up DS from my house. Social services are not involved anymore; but I would like to continue this contact arrangement.

Though there's an issue.

DS dad doesn't want to pick up DS from my house as every time he does; my neighbour always calls the police on him. To be honest; I don't really blame the neighbour, I don't know if she has some kind of motive ( as we didn't get on in the past). But I think the reason why she calls the police because in the past, whenever DS dad was at my house; the neighbours could hear him beating the crap out of me, cursing me and just being very disruptive.

Anyway; like I've said before DS dad hasn't been physically abusive for two years, but still is intimidating, emotionally abusive and unpredictable when angry. The last time the neighbour called the police was when DS dad brought DS back to my home; and wanted to talk to me ( he alwaaaaays does this when bringing DS back home); I don't really want to talk to him as this always leads to an argument; and DS dad brought up something (months ago) which made him upset and wanted to talk to me about it (which obviously leads to an argument). DS wasn't shouting or anything, but he was becoming a bit hot headed and was being rude to me. I think the neighbour heard this and then thats why she called the police. Though from what the police told me; they said the person (obviously our neighbour ) said she heard shouting, arguing. Though I always keep quiet when DS dad is rude to me so I'm not sure if she was confused.

But anyway; DS dad has refused to come to my house to pick up DS. Instead he wants me to drop DS to his. This is a big no no, as one I'm more at risk when I see him in public; two; DS dad would then try to persuade me to talk to himwhich leads to him getting angry and I don't like DS witnessing that. I prefer for him to pick up DS from my home; as I live with my siblings and I feel more safer. I told DS dad that if he doesn't like coming to pick up DS cause of my neighbour. Well DS is old enough to go downstairs and wait for you by the communal doorobviously within earshot( we only live two doors down) . I also told DS dad that when he brings DS back to my house that he shouldn't talk to me. Instead he should just bring DS back home and just go back to his home; not wait around trying to get a conversation out with me (which leads to anger- argument then abuse).

DS dad has just sent me a couple of text messages now saying "I should fuck off, I'm taking the piss, I don't want DS to see him".

Am I doing the right thing in all this? It's just so difficult. Should I just bring DS by his dads?

[Hissy]

Erm, whAt benefit precisely do you think your ds gets from being hand ver to a man as abusive as this? What do you think he'll learn from his father? How will his opinion of you be formed by listening to he poison your ex spouts or intimates? If your ex doesn't want to do pick ups at your house, tough tits.

This is a power play.

The least amount of contact your ds has with this man the better.

[Hissy]

Stop allowing this guy to call the shots. Don't allow him to abuse you through your son. Your son isn't capable of handling a man like is. When he is, you can bet your house that your ds will get battered too.

Just shrug, don't engage and call the police. Every. Single. Time. Let the police show this weak little prick what real power is.

What therapy have you had? You can't recover from any of this without it, and even then it's a huge feat to achieve.

[memyselfandaye]

I disagree entirely, he's a violent bully, you're terrified of him, he intimidates your neighbour so much she rings the police whenever she sees him so I would not allow him one minute alone with my child.

[Hissy]

Please don't allow him to build a bond with your child. He'll use it to hurt you. Know your enemy.

[smilingeyes11]

Thank goodness your neighbour has common sense. I would not want this monster anywhere near my child. And if he wants to collect and abuse you too then don't answer the door and call the police yourself.

[exWifebeginsat40]

let him go through the courts for access and see DS at a contact centre. this all sounds chaotic and dangerous. if you are being harassed call the police every time.

[dancemom]

Instead of him coming up to your door could one of your siblings go down and collect / drop your son from the main entrance?

[BertieBotts]

What do people who are suggesting OP doesn't let this man see her child want her to do exactly?

I completely agree that it's not in any child's interest to form a relationship with an abusive parent but social services have deemed him acceptable for unsupervised contact - which means that if it goes through court CAFCASS are also likely to deem contact to be advisable. Then OP is stuck with a court order which demands that she make her child available for contact no matter what according to their schedule, even when the father loses interest or becomes unstable. A court order that if she breaks she faces potential imprisonment or losing residency entirely.

At least with the current situation she can slowly back off if her ex loses interest, plus she does have the opportunity to place limits on contact if she feels uncomfortable at any time for any reason. It should be that the courts would stand up for the best interests of the child, but I think that it's much more sensible to stay away from court action unless it is absolutely necessary, because the evidence suggests that they don't actually act to protect children unless the children have been proven to be in serious danger.

BTW OP I think you are right not to go on any "family outings". Keep things clear cut for DS - you are not a family.