He needs space and I am sad

[Patheticfallacy]

My dp of 15 months is going through a really difficult time. His ex is trying to reduce his access to his son and it is having to go to court. He's a very involved father and this is breaking him. He's also under an intense amount of pressure at work. He's become very emotionally withdrawn and silent. I think he's been seeing me out of duty rather than wanting to see me sometimes. At times he says he just wants to lie in bed with the duvet over his head. He seems to have lost pleasure in everything he used to enjoy. He thinks he still loves me but he can't feel anything very much at the moment as he's numb. He said those feelings don't just go away and he thinks it is his situation. I have have become anxious and needy which obviously is the last thing he needs right now. I tried to end it on Sunday but we both ended up crying. Sunday night we talked and I said that I thought there was still love there and I didn't want to just let go. I told him I'd be there if he needed me but that rather than feeling he was obliged to see me on certain days, I'd give him space and he could come to me when he really wanted to see me. I said that dealing with the court and solicitors was the most important thing right now, that he was not to worry about us and that we would be ok. He will be in touch I know, but I find uncertainty really really hard. Neither of us want to end things yet, but I'm trying so hard not to feel rejected. He's clearly very low at the moment. I guess I'm posting on here for the support I need right now, as he needs room to get through his issues alone and I'm very sad too. We really have had something special and I hope we can come through this. Obviously there are no guarantees. I just need a big cuddle right now. I love this man so very much and he's hurting and I can't help him.

[Patheticfallacy]

Thank you muddlewitch. I will try to just get on with life and hope the fog begins to clear for him soon.

[Muddlewitch]

Elefriends is a good idea, not only because you will have people to talk to who are also caring for loved ones going through depression, but also because there are people on there who have been in your boyfriends position and might be able to give you some advice from that point of view in terms of what support they found helpful etc.

Depression is a horrible thing, and so is loving someone who is suffering from it. As pp said, when you get that low it takes everything you have just to get through the day and put on foot in front of the other. For me when I have been like that, everything becomes a conscious effort including the things we usually do automatically. For example, making a cup of tea or going to the shop would require me to think about it and talk myself through every step. It's draining and like wading through treacle all day.

You are doing the right thing by giving him space and letting him initiate what he is and isn't able to do, as he is probably feeling that everything else in his life is slipping out of his control at the moment.

However you need to look after yourself too. Be there for him but don't centre your whole life around it, or put off making other plans just in case he calls. You are important too. Depression is a horrible deep fog that descends, you need to make sure that whilst you can step into it to support him or offer him a hand to step out of it, you need plenty of time in the clear air for yourself for your own wellbeing.

[Patheticfallacy]

I think you're right. He needs to be selfish at the moment. I just hope we get through it.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Feel like I do need to reach out to people and talk and talk at the moment.

I think we all do.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I'm not so certain that he is "putting you through" something. It sounds like depression and he'll be putting his energies in to getting through the day and figuring himself out. It can be a very, very selfish time though, and that may hurt those around him.

[Patheticfallacy]

Just had a look at elefriends. Feel like I do need to reach out to people and talk and talk at the moment.

[Patheticfallacy]

I'm taking my children to their swimming lessons and I'm not sure after that. Just going through the motions really. I don't think he'd put me through this if he didn't know somewhere deep down that he does love me, but it's so hard to do this without being dragged down yourself.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I know that feeling

This morning you could give the Samaritans a quick call or drop them an email (I think that's possible) or read up on elefriends?

What have you got planned for today?

You need to recharge yourself with positive experiences and positive times

[Patheticfallacy]

Just bumping again. Think I just want someone to talk to.

[Patheticfallacy]

Thanks Red Maple. I'm feeling OK I guess. A bit in limbo and lonely too.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Hey OP, sorry your post was missed yesterday. How are you feeling this morning?

[Patheticfallacy]

Just bumping. Feeling a bit down myself today.

[Patheticfallacy]

The thread is about me because I need support to be able to support him. Last night I just tried to be there for him in a quiet way. Honestly at the moment I'm just trying not to feel rejected.
I don't think insisting he seeks help will work till he's ready to admit the problem. He is now going to mediation with his ex wife which is good.

[Lweji]

Damn, not for "men", but for "me".

[Lweji]

For men there are two things here.

One is his possible depression. I'd insist that he goes and seeks professional help, even if it's temporary, because it could have far reaching consequences, in terms of children and job.

The second is the relationship. I can understand in his position that he is probably feeling the pressure to be that person to you. But sometimes we have to be there for people more than they are to us. You don't want it to be forever, of course, but this is a test of your relationship and your feelings for him.
Do you try to listen to him and support him? Most of the thread seemed to be about what you're getting and less on how you can support him.

[Patheticfallacy]

We sat and watched tv and had a take away. Chatted a bit. He's still not very physically affectionate and doesn't appear to have much of a sex drive but I guess that's to be expected at the moment. He gave me a kiss and hug goodbye this morning. I'm going to try to be very patient with him. I just want him back with his old sparkle.

[LesisMiserable]

That's good. Now whatever you do don't finish it again. Be there for him in a real way.

[Patheticfallacy]

Thanks sans. That's what I think too. I think that him simply knowing I'm there is something and I've just taken the pressure off completely. I got the impression that some posters thought the space thing would make him disappear, but that isn't actually something he would do. It is not in his character to end a relationship by disappearing. He's actually still making contact now but with no pressure and I'm looking forward to seeing him tonight.

[sansXsouci]

I don't agree with those saying you can't help if he won't help himself, if someone you love is depressed - and he does sound depressed - you can be there for them, that's about all you can do, but it's pretty important. It hurts to have someone pushing you away, but it's not so much rejection as him closing off because of the pain. I think you should just let him come to you, which by the sounds of it he has now, also keep gently encouraging him to see the doctor. Obviously if it all gets too much and you are being dragged into depression you need to end it for self preservation reasons.

[Patheticfallacy]

Hope so. He sounded a bit better on the phone. I'll just let him keep initiating contact.

[honeyroar]

That's good.

[Patheticfallacy]

He rang. We had a nice chat and he's over here tomorrow.

[Isetan]

You can not help him if he doesn't want to help himself. I'm glad you've distanced yourself because your relationship was in grave danger of being a hiding place for his issues and you the fall guy.

You can not love someone better and there's a thin line between being someone's support and being their crutch.

[LesisMiserable]

You love him so much and want to be there for him yet you tried to finish with him on Sunday. How is that supporting the man you love? Taking a quiet back seat as you have now, not pressuring him to have to consider your relationship as another thing that needs seeing too is the way to support the man you love. Hopefully, finisgjng with him then revoking it will not have damaged that too much. Emotional maturity and consistency is what he needs from you right now. A rock is immovable not wobbling at the first hurdle. Be his rock, he has enough on right now.

[Atenco]

You sound like a kind thoughtful person OP. I have no experience of this myself, and hopefully it will all work out ok, but meanwhile I second this suggestion: Make sure you have plenty in your diary to keep you busy in the meantime